SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on a work trip years ago. Of course I didn’t know for a few years after.

Now when he goes on work trips, I go down the rabbit hole.

I even gave him condoms to pack in hopes he might actually use them this time. He was insulted. Oh well.

Any other BS have Traveling cheats?

Gave him condoms? I like it.

While my ex didn't travel, that's always a small concern when my wife travels. She's very fit and friendly and guys seem to gravitate towards her. With no spouse around, traveling for work is a playground for betrayers. That's got to really be hard.

Yup. Mine began his PA while on a trip to his POSOW's city.

The rest of it occurred while she traveled here - something I suspect her BSO wouldn't appreciate.

I've learned that it does not matter where they are, they will cheat if they want to.

[This message edited by sleeplessincali at 8:33 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Sadly my sitch was the opposite. I travel for work which left my cheater with all kinds of time to play house while I was away. The truth is it doesn't matter. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. I'm sorry for your pain and hope it gets easier for you.

^^^ These!

I spent 12 years convinced our marriage had a chance of R so long as my SAWH never went on another out-of-town trip, solo. If he wasn't 'where the action was,' I figured he couldn't go to a strip club with his work buddies (strip clubs being illegal in our area) or find a massage parlor/escort, the way he could when traveling and working at pro sports events. We spent a year in counseling after D-Day 1, where I was told it would be best if I traveled with him for one week a month for the rest of his career or risk his relapsing (the counselor actually told us this!). So more or less reluctantly, I clocked thousands of miles all over the globe at my SAWH's request for years, in the service of staying married, "helping his Recovery from Sex Addiction" like the counselor advised as somehow, my presence on those trips would help my husband keep his pants zipped! (?)

Seven years later when that job ended, I thought I could breath easier because the scary times were in the past. Guess what? Another 5 years went by with him plugging along, working for half the money, when one day on my birthday 6 years ago, he decided to meet a prostitute at a local truck stop and got himself arrested; she was undercover. He found that local action from an X-rated website.

If they decide to do this, there's not much point in thinking you are better off if they 'just don't go on trips.' I know it's a hard thing to hear, because I too used to hear people say that and my gut stubbornly refused to accept it. I lived in real fear of his traveling, knowing how rampant this stuff is in that corporate environment. But in the end, "staying home every night" didn't mean that anything about him had changed. Travel had just made it easier for him to do what he was going to do regardless. (I am the one who should have been leaving after D-Day 1.)

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:48 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

My H cheated while we were living apart because of his work. He travels a lot now. He's gone for 2.5 weeks as we speak. I don't really worry about it.

First, I don't think anything will happen. Second, there's nothing I can do about it. Like others have said, if he wants to cheat again, he will no matter the circumstance. I can't control him. I don't concern myself with things I can't control.

I agree with the others. If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. There really isn’t anything you do to prevent it or put your mind at ease.

My WH and I have lived apart for the last four years, hopefully he will be home for good this summer. His first A was two years ago. The second started a few weeks later. He gaslight me on the second one, I didn’t find out the truth until a few months ago. During his second A I called more often, FaceTimed a lot. I found out later she was there almost every other weekend. He took calls from me and would face time with her there. I had no idea. Even though we are 1000 miles apart and I haven’t seen him since Aug, before our last DDay, I do believe he is remorseful and is telling me the truth. His actions and words are the reason why I’m not on constant pins and needles anymore. It’s not that I trust him it’s just at some point I had to let go.

Coco , i was wondering how do you deal with the stress that if he might cheat.he has wasted your time or just continued to use you ? I get that accepting he can cheat but not the latter.

Yep Speedbump.

That’s my story. I’m traveling bringing home the bacon cuz he got fired oops one EA finished and then found another ho to play with while I was out of town.

The disgusting part was looking at text where he’s talking to both us of and he accidentally sent me something that made no sense.... I was like what! I only realized it later after I printed out all the conversations 🤷🏻‍♀️🤬

Mondas,

I know you asked coco your question, but I want to give you my answer, because I think you'll find a range of ways to handle the risk.

False R is a risk. You have to put in time and energy and opportunity costs. It's not all lost - if R eventually fails, you've learned a lot. That's not much compensation, but it is something positive, even if R fails.

More important and more effective, I went into R because I thought my W would heal and because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The payoff I expected - spending those years with her - was worth the effort and the risk to me. Others conclude it's not worth the effort for them.

Among other things, I knew that if my calculations changed, I could end R at any time. I also considered D carefully, and I was convinced I'd be better off in R than in D.

So I made a conscious, mindful choice to R, and I took responsibility for my choice.

I'm not advocating R (or D) here. I'm advocating making mindful choices and taking responsibility for them. My choice was right for me. What you need to find is the right choice for you.

After all, every choice is a risk.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:07 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Any other BS have Traveling cheats?

My FWW had her fling while on a business trip at a trade show out-of-town. I found out about it a few days after she returned. That next weekend she was off again, this time to a company gala. A few weeks after that, another trip, followed by yet a couple of more during the next couple of months.

I can't even remember how I got through those days, although I'm sure I spent quite a bit of time down in the depths of that fucking rabbit hole.

After a while, maybe that forth of fifth trip, she started giving me extremely detailed itineraries of her work trips (flight info, hotels, meetings, coworkers, etc). She either called or texted throughout the day and we'd skype during the evenings until she fell asleep (sometimes for hours). She did just about everything she could think of to reassure me at all times.

Still, despite of all her efforts, I also knew that if she truly wanted to cheat again there was no way that I could possibly stop her and would probably never know about it. The best I could do was to prepare myself for the possible. If she did it again we were done, no questions asked.

It doesn't matter one iota how long ago the infidelity happened. This is something your H has to understand and, more importantly, respect. He "should" be doing everything he can think of to reassure you that he's behaving himself. It's the smarter, wiser and more humble choice. It's also something you might have to explain to him.

I even gave him condoms to pack in hopes he might actually use them this time. He was insulted. Oh well.

I used to quote an old friend who often said: "Be good and if you can't call a lawyer." I never thought of giving her condoms although I'd imagine her response would have been similar.

Ours is the opposite. I used to travel once every one or two months to visit my family and my STBX used those weekends to screw his whore. Could never rebuild trust after that and I wasn't going to stop seeing my family.

Now separating so I don't have to worry about what the fuck he does with his off time anymore or while I'm traveling.

Opposite role for me...I am the traveler and cheater is a SAHM. Had so many opportunities to cheat while traveling with coworkers and clients, always with alcohol involved and hotels. Never cheated. My thought is if they are going to cheat again, they will find a way no matter if they are at home or traveling. The rabbit hole is easy to go down, but like others have said, the only thing you can control is yourself, and also how you react if the cheater chooses to cheat again.

I will say that my wife has taken it upon herself to put together a 'travel plan' for when I travel. It just documents what her plans are while I am gone as well as what she is going to do if faced with even the simplest interactions with males. I never asked her for anything like that, but she said she wanted to do whatever she could to help me feel safe. I think the travel plan was meant for the cheating spouse that travels, but she adopted lots of the concepts for herself as the one who is staying at home.

I travelled a little for work. Overnights and a few weeklong training events. Phone home when in room with door locked, etc. Couldn't wait to get home to my wonderful wife and three daughters.

WW started cheating before travelling with her POS COW she supervised. But used travel to her best advantage with him. A couple week long trips and several one and two nights away. A couple of extended trips and late planned overnights (last minute). Phone home, door locked, safe inside, ILYs then call him on the hotel phone system to come to her room so there was no record I would ever see.

All during this time and following the 3 or 4 months of extensive travel she went frequently to his place. Did nooners and quickies after work. He lived 5 minutes from HO. Used her knowledge of my travel schedule to her advantage. I wrote it on the joint calendar so she would always know where I was, etc. I wanted her to know. If she didn't know she would phone me and I would tell her. For a good part of the time they worked a split shift because they were so busy so she hand he started their shift early and she was home long before I ever got home from work. This went on for 4 years.

They can travel or not. They will find a way. After DDay, though, her travel was excruciating for me even though he wasn't ever travelling with her anymore.

As others have stated (a lot of us SA wives, myself included), it doesn't stop at trips.

My STBX did the business trips and had prostitues/massage parlors all over southern southern Ca (where we live). It's pathological and there is a spiritual void, that they attempt to fill with countless randoms. These men have a very low vibration and lack self esteem. The "business trips" make it that much more exciting. They get to pretend they are important like Richard Gere, when in reality, they are more skeevy like Woody Allen.

Most of us that replied are dealing with unremorseful men. They blame and resent you for disagreeing with their childish mentality. I personally, have resigned the role of mother. I came to the conclusion that am not responsible for others happiness. This person and my family had me playing the role of scapegoat because it was easier to gaslight me instead owning the responsibility of their shortcomings.

Life is too short. This person has you worried and blaming you for being triggered, while cycling the behavior. It's what unempathetic people do. No amount of counceling will make a person remorseful.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 6:37 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

I get the trigger it is for him to take a trip. It really is so easy for them to do this and a huge reminder. I will have to jump in with the sentiment that a cheater heart knows no bounds because my WS also cheated with co-workers in town. Lucky me. Anyway it may be easy for then but think about how hard it would be for you I’d you wanted to do that. Not hard at all. How is he helping you cope with this trigger while he is on this trip?

The last time my WS (we are now separated) went on a trip and we were ok R, he called, texted, FaceTimed etc. we had a rule that he has to text me want at al times within 5 minutes.

That would be a constant trigger for you. It must be difficult. Maybe ask why he was insulted? Perhaps he thinks he is doing enough while away to make you feel safe? If he isn’t, then maybe you need to decide what that is and ask it of him.

The triggers are debilitating though, write down what they are and how you think they could be lessened.

The bottom line is that if a cheater wants to cheat, it will happen near or far. The distance provides an opportunity that he can create himself closer to home as well. It’s the sad reality of it!

It’s sucks when we don’t have the safety and security in a relationship. It takes a lot of empathy, remorse, understanding and support to create that again...so I hear!

I have the same problem, both for myself and for her. All the cheating occurred while I was traveling (almost all). I still travel extensively for work, and it's honestly, always on my mind when I sit down on the plane. She also travels often for work, and it's on my mind a lot then too. Either situation makes it really easy for her to cheat, and, of course, I also get flashbacks, particularly when I fly, to the times I was flying away saying "I love you, see you in 3 days" as the plane was taking off and she was texting him "He's gone, come over".

It's hard, I don't have any great answers for you. Electronic surveillance helps me a little bit, but I know she could get around it if she really wanted to. Beyond that, the only thing that worked for me is time and consistency. And it's still not "good", it's "better". Instead of a panic attack on the plane, now I just feel like shit most of the time that I travel.

Funny thing, even though all the cheating occurred while I was traveling, I'm always more messed up when she travels. I know how easy it would be for her in that situation and how impossible it would be for me to detect if she just picked someone up at the lobby bar each night. She could find someone willing to join her for sex faster than I could get a drink at that same bar, and that's a terrifying thing for me to think about. I've used this analogy before, but it's like if my job required me to spend my nights in a brothel with a suitcase of cash in hand. That's basically the difficulty level it would be for her to cheat on me, no asking anyone anything required, just say "yes" when someone asks. :(

[This message edited by Rideitout at 7:47 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Mine used his business trips as cover for his sexcapades. When he told me about the A I had flashback of all the times he left me alone for 'work'.

I'm sorry and I hope you'll get out of the rabbit hole.