SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're getting gread advice and I'm sorry you had to become a member of this club that no one wants to be in but I'm glad you found us, listen you're in the fight of your life, here are just a few of the basics, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we call it the "Cheater's handbook". Also you should know if R is a possibility first the A needs to end immediately and NOTHING kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with ALL family and close friends (coupled with D papers), exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspect of the A and replaces it with embarrassment, shame, guilt and pure ugliness.

1) EXPOSE the A with family and close friends WITHOUT WARNING (very important).

2) File for D and have her served, D takes a long time and can be stopped if she comes around, ends her A, shows true remorse, agrees to NC FOREVER with OM, ends her hobby (another consequence of her huge betrayal), offers full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords, gets tested for STDs and signs a post nup in your favor in case she cheats again in the future. If she refuses to do any of this, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

Now since you don't have any kids and have only been married 5 years, I suggest you RUN and don't look back, life's too short and it only gets more complicated, she's already a proven cheater and a liar and the trust will NEVER be the same, BTW don't forget to get tested for STDs. Keep posting ferquently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI could help you through this difficult time, we've seen this play out literally THOUSANDS of times.

At this point she's still in an ACTIVE A and has not even said she wants R, so your only logical option is to file for D and not be her plan B and wait while she test drives OM. Those who act quickly and decisively typically have better results. She killed the M when she DECIDED to cheat (not a "mistake"), therefore you shouldn't and don't need to ask her for permission to do what you need to do. Take control of the situation and the narrative.

My apologies to anyone who already asked this before, but why was it on you to be working a second job in the first place. I mean it sounds like she is an able-bodied woman....What was she doing for the marriage/household--before her affair that is.

getting revenge on the OM can get you arrested, and

or sued, then a possible criminal record.

you do not need your WW permission to expose this

affair. Expose it to WW parents, grandparents,

aunts, uncles, siblings. Also expose it to her

hobby group.

Just a quick comment, I read your initial post and am sorry you are in this position.

If your wife doesn't know what she wants, she does not want you. File for divorce and go NC.

These "voids" must be part of the template cheaters subscribe to prior to cheating. It is tiresome that "voids" are used for validating infidelity.

Apply the 180 and ghost her. Move on with your life, stop thinking about her and stop trying to communicate with her. It’s already over, her reaction to discovery tells you everything you need to know.

[This message edited by Smillie at 5:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

File ASAP

No kids.

Expose the A

File for D

Don't ask her for permission or approval to do anything you need to do.

Own your future on your terms.

Simply put...

...an alpha wouldn't be waiting for her to make a decision after her betrayal...

...nor would an alpha ask her permission to speak the truth to her parents...

...nor would an alpha stand for her to be even considered as reconciliation material without the very basics...

Talk is cheap, Amanapart. Actions are truth.

What do your actions tell her?

What do her actions tell you?

I’m sorry your here!!!

Just start to work on yourself and cut her out like a cancer.

No kids!! Perfect you can walk away and finish grad school and just work one job. She’s not your responsibility any more. Cut her off from all the accounts and have her new man pay her bills.

Good riddance!! Consider yourself lucky.

Other than her professional world (I need her to keep her job when D happens), her world getting blown up after I get off work.

Amanapart

If you’re 100% going to get a divorce play nice and don’t make any waves anywhere. Not with her work, parents or OM. You do all that if you want to stay married.

Playing nice is subtle blackmail. They’re not sure why you’re not blowing up their world (both hers and OM) but their happy you’re not. During divorce negations they will want to keep you happy. If she sees you getting upset she may give you more of what you want. If you blow them up before the divorce is final you’ve given up a card.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:07 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Lawyer up....it will help you feel empowered...you will then know what to expect if you do D...you might live in one of the few states that lets you go after the OM in court.

So I suggest you make the time to get a few consultations so you know your options.

You need to handle this as a business...no a new hobby. The hobby in getting out of infidelity!

Face it....if this was going to work out, your old lady would be sticking around and fighting for this M, vilify the OM, and showing you a huge amount of submission.

But....if you really really really want to keep her around then doing everything the opposite way that you think you can to win her back.

Yes....push her away, stop talking to her , and make her think she has been replaced by another women.

I always found it weird that people want what they can't have!!!

In addition, until she start to second guess her choice in the OM and thinks twice in what she is about to lose... why would she change?

From were I'm sitting she clearly wants out.

She just wants to be nice/talk to you b/c it makes her feel better.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:37 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

How are you doing?

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice. She moved out into an apartment the other day and signed a one year lease, so reconciliation is not in the cards. At this point we are definitely headed for D. I've gotten sick and missed work this week due to the toll the stress took on my immune system.

I haven't called her parents yet, but probably will soon. She says she's already told them everything, but i would like to give my side.

I had a therapy session yesterday which went well. The hardest part so far is the loneliness, not only did I lose my wife, I lost my best friend.

I will move on, I'll be 31 with no money, no job, no debt, and no significant other.

Truly starting anew.

How long does an uncontested divorce take? complete?

I'm sorry this happened. Just be glad you found out her true nature before having kids with her. It stinks because she was your first love. That's tough. But you'll find love again one day. Don't fret about that.

Hi brother,

Truly a shit sandwich she is gone, moved on and has chosen her life, all deliberate decisions she made without the regard for communicating her concerns to you.

As per other advice, tell all you don’t need her permission to talk with any one, or do anything.

As per what DIFM says:

No kids.

Expose the A

File for D

Don't ask her for permission or approval to do anything you need to do.

Own your future on your terms.

Understandable you are time poor at the moment, seek legal and financial advice for your location, as you are married she may have ‘abandoned’ the marriage but she still has financial responsibilities to it.

Comment or maintain the 180, she isn’t your best friend, that person left you! She may still want to be your friend, but that isn’t acceptable. You didn’t marry her to end up just friends why she bang the older AP. Also get tested for STDs/STIs, she has deliberately put you at risk as she never practiced safe sex!

A are like cockroaches they thrive in the dark, shine a light on their actions and exspose the A to all including his training partners.

One day at a time

Buffer

I will move on, I'll be 31 with no money, no job, no debt, and no significant other.

The 'no debt' is the silver lining in your cloud....

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 9:13 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Since no one else seems inclined to answer, I guess I will. An uncontested divorce can be over in a matter of 60 days if there is no fight over money. Looks like that is you.

Now, here is my prediction. After the newness wears off, and you are on your way to a new life, she wil reach out to you. Watch Take This Waltz on Netflix. Make sure you shut her down or you will be setting yourself up for more of the same.

"Some things you do in life stick." Best line ever.

You are not a fool.

Being betrayed by someone that you trust is crazymaking, but you are still you.

Unfortunately, you found out who you are in your long term relationship with.

No kids.

Let me tell you from experience EVERYTHING IN A MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP IS MUCH HARDER WITH KIDS and she has shown you how she deals with "life" without them.

Don't ask anything more, you can't trust the answers, you don't have kids with her, and it is just you, her, and now it is really just you in the relationship.

Don't let her back in.

No kids...don't get her pregnant now either.

Drop her like the hot potato she is, go on living your life, meet someone else who will be faithful, and don't look back.

Get counseling FOR YOU but don't bother with MC.

I will move on, I'll be 31 with no money, no job, no debt, and no significant other.

I was the 38 year old, with no money, but with a job, great income, house, debt, 4 kids, multiple pets, whose wife just happened to be porn star fucking and blowing some guy she met with her new hobby (the hobby that I introduced her to only to see it become a nightmare). Years of MC, thousands upon thousands of dollars of expenses due to the fallout, friends talking about it behind my back, lies and trickle truth for over 9 years, fallout that still has not really ended 19 years later as our children, all adults now, found out.

Yeah...I'll take your 31, with no money, no job, no debt, and no cheating significant other any day.

How long does an uncontested divorce take? complete?

Depends on what state you're in. I'm in Florida. It took me less than a month after I filed for the divorce to be final and having my final judgement in hand.