SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sounds like a Syllogistic fallacy to me (not sure which, political syllogism maybe)

All cats have four legs

My dog has four legs

Therefore, my dog is a cat.

"I advised [ one ] WS to post in the Wayward forum"

"That [ one ] Wayward lied"

"Therefore [ all is implied ] posting in the wayward forum is not panacea"

Some people lie, some don’t. Some "BS" make fake stories in JFO. The important part is to not get attached to any individual story, BS or WS. (just my .02 cents anyways)

Does the following sound right?

The last time LtrCmdLost posted in JFO, the BS lied in his opening post and got lots of support from fellow BS.

Posting [ on SI ] is not a panacea.

Right now you are holding a losing hand. Especially since you live in California!!!!!

My advice... turn it into a winning hand ANY WAY you can!!

Tell her that you both need a completely new start, and move out of California!!! Once you’ve established residency in a new state, if you still want to file, do so in that new state

Have her sign a post nup.

She’s willing to do “anything” - financially protect yourself.

I have one. Perfectly legal in my state. All my assets are mine and are not considered marital assets if we D “for any reason”.

I went back and actually looked at the website, looked at the prefaces and I think I am done. No matter what she does It doesn't change anything. I am tired, bone tired, and can't keep doing this,I an tired, so tired

Achilles...

Not many ppl would even consider staying with their WS after a 4.5 yr A. No one will think any less of you for throwing the towel in at this point.

You have to take care of you now. Start putting your self interest first gloomy forward.

I had a defining moment with my now XWW where I simply didn’t care. Not angry, not sad, just done.

They say the opposite of love is indifference.

If you choose the D path, separate your finances, take half of the joint accounts, cancel common credit cards and take an appointment with a lawyer.

Stay calm when interacting with you WW. When you are calm, you are in control of the situation.

If your WW says: YOU ARE BREAKING OUR MARRIAGE!! !

Don’t argue that (obviously) she’s the one who did it. Just reply: "I’m sorry you feel that way. When you are ready, we can talk about splitting assets and child support, or we can talk through lawyers if you prefer."

There’s no point in arguing with someone who will be out of your life. She will be gone and there’s no need to get worked up with someone you will never see again.

Achilles, you do whatever is best for you. Get legal advice before you make any moves. Make yourself your primary focus.

So strange, the last couple of days she actually seemed like she was trying. She is working on the apology letter to me, answered all questions, seemed to show real emotion. But the more she seems to try, the less I seem to care. I am totally confused now.

Achilles, she did that before your most recent blow up in which she gave up on R and looked in to moving out. Talk is cheap. Apology letters are cheap. Promises to do the work is cheap. None of it means she's less likely to reach back out to the OM or find a new one in the future. What is she sacrificing for R? Not her job. What consequences is she really facing? Unfortunately her actions have set precedent that she's only committed when it's convenient for her and she's not willing to do whatever it takes to R. She says she is but then she renegades things you need to feel safe so she's lying to keep you around.

Step back and 180 her. See a lawyer just for more information. See if she actually follows through on some of her promises like IC. There's no good reason for her not to start today when counselors are offering services over video chat and there's plenty of online counseling options available. See if she looks for a new job. But also feel free to pull the plug whenever you're ready.

So strange, the last couple of days she actually seemed like she was trying. She is working on the apology letter to me, answered all questions, seemed to show real emotion. But the more she seems to try, the less I seem to care. I am totally confused now.

2 days. She’s been in a long term affair.

When she starting looking at housing reality hit her. Right now she’s in self protection mode. Short term won’t count for much.

You’d be wise to stay out of the hopium. See what is versus what you want to see.

"I advised [ one ] WS to post in the Wayward forum"

"That [ one ] Wayward lied"

"Therefore [ all is implied ] posting in the wayward forum is not panacea"

Well,

Posting on SI is not a panacea. There are no panaceas (common synonym for 'cure all'). It's important to remember that.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:23 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

Why are we arguing here? This does not help

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 3:38 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

Nobody is arguing that I can see. This site brings you the benefit of dozens of experiences' worth of crowdsourced wisdom about infidelity.

BH's would be wise to stay off the hopium pipe.

Actions speak; words are cheap.

Statements like "the last couple of days she actually seemed like she was trying", that starts to sound like hopium. Forgive us if we are not reading it correctly.

Achilles1101:

You seem exhausted and grasping right now. Give yourself a break to sit back and look at everything. Watch her actions not her words. Nekonamida gave you straightforward advice. Be vigilant. Detach. Implement the 180. This is not a race. This is your decision moving forward. You are in control. She is no5 going to file for D. She has seen the financial ramifications. Figure out what you want. Good luck.

I find myself in a strange place. It's not that I don't care, I do, but I am just tired. She seems to be doing what I ask, but I really don't seem to care now. I would have jumped on it earlier in this thing. What changed?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:37 AM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Sometimes a dealbreaker is a deal breaker. Even if she does everything perfectly and she is the perfect candidate for R, you don’t have to R.

Remember you are on an emotional rollercoaster with peaks and dips and loops and harsh turns. What you feel today will be different than what you feel tomorrow.

If you can accept that and roll with it and just focus on yourself you’ll be best served.

So don’t tell her you don’t care. Tell her she needs to do the right things over a long sustained time. Months. Years. Before you can feel safe again to give her your heart fully.

Sit and watch and wait. Have the tools in the background ready if she fails. Those are a good lawyer and good IC.

Remember we said she should provide a full timeline. Every time they were together and what was discussed, what they did, and what they felt. Review it with her. Ask questions. Ask her to add in details.

Also a written plan, that you have discussed and modified and review often. Tell her what’s missing from it. Discuss what each item really means.

And an Apology letter (like you mention). But then future letters as well.

One where she puts herself in your shoes and describes what you must have felt when you discovered her affair (that’s my personal favorite). Another where she tells you why she wants to be with you for the rest of her life. Another where she tells you what it means to have you stay and work with her to rebuild. Another where she tells you what she now feels about the AP (if it’s not discuss then you still have a problem).

It can be whatever you want. But while she waits for and IC this is her best tool to work thru her issues.

But still, the most important thing here, is that she leave that job and any interaction with the OM, business or not, behind.

If she can’t find a new one, because of the pandemic, and is home for now, then I’d tell her that as soon as things open up you want to see 3-5 applications submitted to new places for her to work. Watch her submit them.

And while she waits, and if you truly can’t afford to have her quit, then she goes to her boss, on the phone so you can be listening, and tells him or her that she is uncomfortable having to talk to the AP, either on the phone, or ever being with him in person, and that she asks for accommodations in her job for someone else in her department to interact with him.

And finally, she keeps trying to get an IC to work with her. Keeps calling during quarantine. You listen to those calls. Google infidelity therapists in your area and create a list with her to follow up with.

You don’t have to care about all this right now. But still tell her it’s required for her to have a chance. Down the road you may appreciate that she truly made the effort. Or perhaps you won’t care. Or perhaps she’ll fail.

One day at a time. Keep that as your mantra.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:44 AM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Go back and read this thread. Unless she has an appointment with IC and has looked into getting a new job, nothing has really changed. Sure, her words sound nicer than before but nothing has been done in the way of progress for her to become a better spouse to you.

She seems to be doing what I ask, but I really don't seem to care now. I would have jumped on it earlier in this thing. What changed?

I think you're catching on to the fact that your WW has tried some of these pretty little words on you before and when you actually scratched the surface, it turns out they weren't true. It turns out that you did jump on it earlier only for you to be hurt again. This time her words are less effective. You're coming to grips with the fact that words are not enough and can easily be taken back at a moment's notice. So you're not getting your hopes up. That's a good thing. Until you see those words put in to action, they don't mean much and they aren't a guarantee for R. So step back and let her prove to you that she's being genuine this time and not just manipulating you out of D again.

I find myself in a strange place. It's not that I don't care, I do, but I am just tired. She seems to be doing what I ask, but I really don't seem to care now. I would have jumped on it earlier in this thing. What changed?

I can remember being at this place. I'm no psychologist and really can't explain it, but I remember that when the dust settled and all the frantic words and actions I was taking died down...I was just left with the reality of my WW in front of me.

It was not an awesome feeling. And, like you, I was tired, uncaring, and had this sinking, reality-based feeling that what I thought I once had was really, really gone. I think that's because it was.

Lucky for me, that period was very brief and exWW started up with AP again. After that happened, I never looked back. But I remain thankful that I had that very brief, quiet moment of clarity where I was seeing the reality of my wife and my future with her.

Things have been pretty unclear for you for a while now. Maybe now that you're in a sort of dust-settling phase, you're experiencing that clarity now.

because now the threat of WW leaving you for the OM is gone.

this allows your emotions to change. this is why you are feeling

blah.