SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BFTG is swinging some big lumber, but I think he's pretty much spot on, per the posts I have seen as well.

Your wife has to fundamentally change as a person if you want a true R. And, the lies have to stop.

Can she do that on her own? Can she put in the time and effort to prove to you she has changed and can be a safe, loving wife?

I wish you well. I really do.

Well,of course I want him out of infidelity. HE wants reconciliation. So I want that for him. But only,as I mentioned in my post, if it is done the right way. He first needs a wife who is truly remorseful, which she isn't yet. Second, he needs the truth,which he doesn't have yet,most likely. If she doesn't find remorse very soon, or he continues to be lied to, then reconciliation won't work.

I didn't mean for anything in my post to imply that anyone thinks he should have reconciliation, at all costs. There are certain key elements one must have before the process can start. IF those become a reality, then I hope he gets what he wants.

I hope that all BSes who genuinely want R will get a WS who makes a successful R possible but I don't think ANY BS should sacrifice their sanity and dignity over an R that can't happen. Trying to R with an unremorseful WS who won't be honest and won't do the work is a long, painful road to D one way or another.

Blablayahblah, I get it, implausible on its face.

I consider myself a very logical and reasoned person, and even I found a way to rationalize in my mind (in nanoseconds mind you) things that today are beyond obvious in reflection (embarrassingly so) with my XW.

Implausible, indeed. A removal of emotion in your analysis would most likely be beneficial, thus my comment on the "neutral observer", I suspect the polygraph shall provide at least a beginning in that clarity.

Everyone believes they are special/unique, or in special circumstances, yet the math indicates clearly otherwise.

Achilles, based on what I have read, it appears to me that you really need to enact the 180. You need to distance yourself from your WW to allow yourself to heal. It seems to me that you and your WW are so focused on fixing the M and that is premature. Your WW is broken and has issues. Her actions have broken you. It seems you both decided you wanted to try to R, and that is the focus.

I'm not suggesting that you D or separate. Take some time for yourself and focus on JUST YOURSELF. Worry about your own healing. Until you do, you aren't in any position to fix the M.

You asked how to heal.

One part of your healing is to process your feelings out of your body. That can involve actually letting the feelings flow, writing, EMDR, Emotional Freedom Technique, etc., etc., etc. - there are all sorts of good ways to process feelings.

IMO, being betrayed evokes 4 feelings that ...um... feel awful - grief, anger, fear, and shame. If R is a possibility, one good way to process a feeling is to share it appropriately with your W. Appropriately sharing feelings means do it with affect - if you share anger, show her you're angry. If you share grief, show her your grieving, etc.

Processing feelings is not pretty. It's messy and uncomfortable, but if you do it right, you get a lot of relief. I think that's what bftg is getting at. And yeah, your W may not be able to take your sharing - but if she can't or won't, it may be time to split, no matter how much you love her. Love was not enough to keep your W from cheating. Love is not enough to ensure R.

A 2nd part for you probably revolves around co-dependence. Your posts show a lot of evidence that you've got some characteristics of co-d, and there are better ways to live a life. In any case, I expect a good IC will help you become assertive and effective.

I'm not sure you can see the co-d stuff, so you may not be ready to change that, but you imply you want to lay down some burdens and get some physical and emotional relief fro exhaustion. That's something you want to change about yourself, and a good IC will help.

Ok, I am going to get as real as it gets

Early on in our relationship, my partner got killed in a take over robbery. Shot multiple times and then executions' style in the head> I came back home after it ended. and she had a missed call from a former lover. she wouldn't take it

if you can't get it they stood over him and put a bullet in his head>i Live with that and what my wife did every day

Thank you for sharing that. That is a truly horrible thing.

It is quite possible that you have PTSD, and when lock-down ends, it would be good for you to seek out a counselor or specialist for at least a couple of sessions.

I sense that perhaps you have kept a lot bottled up inside you. It would be good for you to be able to uncork that bottle with a professional and let the bad stuff out.

You do not have to bear that burden alone any more, Achilles. And there can be a risk to letting too much bad stuff stockpile without letting it out. The burden can get heavier.

Please take as good care of yourself as you have taken of those you love.

Thank you for everything you did in your job to keep other people safe. To go through something like that and to back out there and carry on leaves me lost for words.

Your sons have a Father they can be truly, truly proud of.

Achilles, thank you for sharing. Definitely something you should explore with a counselor.

I came back home after it ended. and she had a missed call from a former lover. she wouldn't take it

I don't understand. Your WW had a missed call from an exBF? And you suspect she wouldn't take the call in front of you maybe because she wanted to talk to him privately?

I came back home after it ended. and she had a missed call from a former lover. she wouldn't take it

I'm so very sorry. A traumatic event, and you were obviously continuously traumatized by your WW when you got home since you explicitly remember what happened.

Are you saying she's been keeping other men on the side for your entire relationship?

These two events are horrible, but they are not in any way connected and unchangeable. You most likely need to forgive yourself after the senseless, cruel loss of your partner. Survivor guilt is very real. But your WW is a toxic person that you have willingly kept in your life and actually allowed to hurt you. You have not taken care of yourself by getting away from her. It is our job to get away from toxic people. It is not our job to help them to stop being toxic. You need to work with a good IC to find out why you want to accept humiliating treatment rather than finding better treatment from a new partner. Find a good IC who specializes in trauma. It's time.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:36 AM, June 20th (Saturday)]

Past behavior is always a strong indicator of future behavior.

Logical overview

She is avoiding the polygraph.

She is attempting to make herself an equal victim under the guise of CSA etc et al.

She is deflecting blame.

She is attempting to control the narrative.

She is attempting to convince you that she "loved" you during a 4.5 year LTA (how can that even be possible?). This is my definition of love The act of caring and giving to someone else…having someone’s best interest and well-being as a priority in your life.

She is still lying, and I suspect most people see her for who she is in both threads.

She is a threat, protect yourself.

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 10:20 PM, June 20th (Saturday)]

I have no idea why this came out at this time, It just did. Sorry it just did. I can't do this right now I tried, sorry

I will gather my thoughts and post tomorrow

I don't do a lot of posting here anymore, but I feel you need to hear that you are stronger than you know. And as much your WS wants you to "protect" the marriage by stifling your anger and hurt, it will come out eventually. I like you, had hoped for R, but I eventually realized that I couldn't fix the marriage alone. Be patient with yourself. What helped me the most was writing things down. Write down how you feel or what you WS tells you. Your world is turned upside down. Her world isn't. Writing things down and being able to verify your feelings and what she tells you will help you make some tough decisions that you have ahead of you. I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry for what you are enduring.

So I don't know what happened the other night, or why it happened for that matter. Everything, big and small, came spewing up out of me. Things I hadn't thought about in years. I guess I had bottled up things for so long it finally reached the breaking point.

The previously mentioned incident occurred shortly after I started seeing my now wife. She spent the night at my house while I went to work. When I stopped by the house to kind of talk to her about what happened, her phone rang and she wouldn't answer it. That part I get. It was kind of odd that she got a call since it was very early in the morning, but she worked nights too and was on her night off. When I asked her about who called she said it was the guy that made deliveries to her work and he probably needed to be let into her facility. That seemed odd. Why call someone personally instead of the work phone?

What she didn't tell me initially was that he was also her most recent ex boyfriend. She could have told me that in the beginning and saved a lot of grief. She said she didn't want to upset me given what I had just been through. There is no reason to believe she was still seeing him, I won't go into why at this time.

So the pattern started.

My wife and that incident became forever intertwined.

It would appear that I have a lot more unresolved issues than I thought. Seems I haven't addressed a lot of the horror from my work.

Thanks for everyone's patience and kind words.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:49 AM, June 22nd (Monday)]

So from your last post, I am guessing that your PTSD from your work is making life very difficult for you. Or, is the trauma from her 4 and 1/2 year affair what is actually causing your trauma... I am just wondering, where you are at with all of this???

However, How does your issues with PTSD, intertwine with her affair.

I mean she could have divorced you already, if living with you was so hard, but she did not do that.

She screwed you over for a long time, and your PTSD caused that in what way???

[This message edited by BluesPower at 11:59 AM, June 22nd (Monday)]

achilles,

I can easily be wrong, but I read a lot of co-dependent behavior in you. PTSD can cause that or reinforce that.

Not telling you the whole story of that phone call could also be a sign that your W could be co-d. Co-d + co-d is not a good combo.

I do not use the c-d word as a criticism. Rather, I mean it to be hopeful, because there's a known cure for co-d - asking for what you want.

Similarly with PTSD - there are some known treatments that work for some people, and maybe one of the treatments will work for you.

Courage, achilles, courage - it takes work to get out of co-d, but the payoff is great, if co-d is a problem....

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:15 PM, June 22nd (Monday)]

So from your last post, I am guessing that your PTSD from your work is making life very difficult for you. Or, is the trauma from her 4 and 1/2 year affair what is actually causing your trauma... I am just wondering, where you are at with all of this???

Never really thought I had PTSD. Always thought I handled work stress pretty well. The affair is what's bothering me the most.

I think because my wife was linked to that incident, that is what made it come back up. I hadn't thought about the actual incident in a long time.

I'm just surmising, since it came back up in such a vivid way, that maybe some work related things are still lurking. Doesn't feel like it, but who knows.

I can easily be wrong, but I read a lot of co-dependent behavior in you. PTSD can cause that or reinforce that.

I don't see the Co D thing. Maybe I don't totally understand it. I get it in a classic case, but am not sure how it applies to me. I did a little research on it. Maybe I am not very good at examining myself.