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I just hope at some point you get the truth She owes you that whether you stay or not.

My feeling is you do. She isn’t doing herself any favors with the lies and resistance to help you feel safe .

Best of luck to you and I hope you find some peace.

Truth, such a strange thing for some people. I always thought that it was easy, but I guess not. Not sure I will ever get it. seems like nobody owes anyone anything.

Peace, another strange thing. Not sure I will ever find that again no matter what happens.

Whether I stay or go, my life has been changed forever. What she has done to me is irrevocable. I will try to pick up the pieces and move on. My daughter talked to me about it today and it broke my heart. She needs me to be stronger and wants to support me. Sucks the unfortunates that are drawn into our web of deceit.

I have been hurting my kids with my pain, I just didn't realize how much.

Curious as to the progress on the polygraph.

I fear you will not have clarity until its completion, I also strongly suspect she will never take that test.

She came home angry so I don't think it really matters. She is ready to throw everything away and so am I. She is more mad than I am, and totally ran through my emotional heartache, So I think this is it. Strangely I am ok with it

My daughter talked to me about it today and it broke my heart. She needs me to be stronger and wants to support me.

I have been hurting my kids with my pain, I just didn't realize how much.

Please, don't make your kids take on the grown up role. It will permanently mess them up. They are asking you to take care of yourself and stop allowing this rollercoaster. Get strong. Listen to them. Start taking care of yourself.

She came home angry so I don't think it really matters. She is ready to throw everything away and so am I. She is more mad than I am, and totally ran through my emotional heartache, So I think this is it. Strangely I am ok with it

She seems like a delight.

Sometimes it’s easier when they stop pretending to care and just leave.

Brother why is she so mad? Work? AP?, the shit show?

Buffer

1) What you've done you've done. What you've done doesn't lock you into doing the same thing today that you did yesterday. As Armius wrote, better late than never.

2) Your responses to being betrayed are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don't think you'll heal, you won't. I urge you not to doom yourself to a life of pain. If you don't see any way out, get help. If you can't get help now because of C-19 lockdown, promise yourself you'll get the help you need.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:55 PM, Thursday, July 2nd]

OIN

I am not tryin to make my kids take responsibility> I hate what they are going through, the weakness of their father? terrible. The roller-coaster is all my fault>.

After the argument was another day. She apologized and we had a good conversation,

I try to start each day as a new one.

Doesn't always work, but that is what I try,

I hope that is what you are talking about sisoon

She apologized and we had a good conversation,

I'm sorry, but how does this change what your kids said? Are you saying that if your WW would be more consistent, the kids wouldn't be upset? So what is your responsibility to the kids then? What do you owe them, in terms of creating more stability? Is your job to convince your WW to improve herself, then the kids won't be upset?

That's codependency.

Your job is to walk away if your WW is not consistent. And end the rollercoaster. So that the kids have stability.

She's giving you instability.

Your move.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:10 AM, July 4th (Saturday)]

No I am saying that I am screwed up. I can't find the equilibrium to make them happy. I hate what has happened and I am dealing poorly with it. I hate what I have become and I hate that I can't fix it to make them feel better. I try and I fail. Am I human or am I a failure? I question everything I do.

One thing I hate is Codependency. It is a nebulous term that can mean anything. Everybody can throw it around like they know everything about everybody. I get things repeat there selves but I am pissed and need to vent.

Why exactly is SHE angry?

One thing I hate is Codependency. It is a nebulous term that can mean anything. Everybody can throw it around like they know everything about everybody.

I agree with you here. There are many terms like this on SI, and I'm as guilty as the next person of sort of throwing them around haphazardly.

In my opinion, the word itself has very little value as a talking point on basic threads here *except* that it is a categorical term on which many books and resources are available. That could have value to you (and me, and many of us), as we can put effort into studying, learning, and making adjustments to how we interact with the world. But there will be no "Aha! I'm codependent! That's the answer. Problem solved now, time to move on to the next thing."

Am I human or am I a failure? I question everything I do.

You are human.

The sun keeps rising and falling regardless of what happens here on this thread or even with you personally. At the end of the day, there is you and there is your wife.

You will both succeed and fail so many times in the years to come that you will lose count. You may make it through together, you may not. It's ok.

A hundred years from now, none of it will matter and no one will recall these events. Still, the energy you both put out there, from now until the end of your lives, will resonate through time and through your descendants and have a very real, yet unknowable affect on the future of the universe.

Be easy on yourself. Do your best. You honestly are doing so many things so well.

Just some Saturday morning thoughts. Your posts hit me this morning for some reason.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:17 AM, July 4th (Saturday)]

I have brought this up about my own children and some others I know through friends and family. Children are damaged by their parents. It's permanent and it scars.

We're very fond of talking about cheaters being lousy parents, and they are. But we are less forthcoming in addressing those who stay in dysfunctional relationships post-cheating (or any kind) because it is harder to look at ourselves. Children do not want to watch fighting, abuse, or misery in their parents. They do not want a home full of drama or life on the "we're happy, but now we're crying" parental rollercoaster.

Instability in a home creates fear in children. If we are months of instability, and even worse, years of instability, our kids suffer. They will develop their own poor relationship styles, low self-esteem, addictions and other poor coping, personality disorders, resentment, and yes, cheating.

We need to address our own role in perpetuating FOO. If our relationships are allowing instability to continue, we need to walk away and give our children stability.

Please hold yourself to a high standard for your children. Get yourself help, get them help.

No I am saying that I am screwed up.

Do you see that as a lifetime sentence? You can do things to get yourself a lot less screwed up. Or are you using being screwed up as a reason to not change yourself?

I can't find the equilibrium to make them happy.

This is a co-d thought. You can't make them happy. They're in pain. They've asked you to do something that's doable. What's keeping you from helping them?

Sorry, but I’m going to be blunt as I think you need it

First, your wife has been sleeping with another guy for almost 5 years!

Second, I you are not at fault for ANY of her affair. She did it. She decided to give herself to another man, countless times for 25% of your marriage. Think about it, 1 out of every 4 days you have been married, she was having an affair with this guy

Finally, you are currently in limbo and will stay there until you decide you’ve had enough! It is ok if you decide that her long term affair is a dealbreaker for you. But you now know that you MUST make a decision for the good of your kids.

I’ve been where you are. You don’t have to fear fear. Not one of the things I feared when I decided to divorce. Just know that it was the best decision I ever made. The other side has been fantastic.

Good luck

Stay strong

And do what you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror

Ok,

sounds very fatalistic. That is where I have been. I thought that wasn't healthy.

OIN,

I am trying, its not like I am trying to hurt my kids. I am trying to get my shit together. I want us all to heal together.

sisoon,

No I am not screwed up beyond repair and it is not an excuse. I am working on me. Tough, but I am working on it. God, the co D thing again, I am going to scream.

New,

I know what happened, Thank you.

I fear a lot of things right now. I am not sure how this is going to work out. I know what I want, We will see if it happens.

I am who I am and she is who she is. We will see if it works out. My eyes are open now. I see more, if not everything, more. We will see if I see enough.

I am who I am and she is who she is. We will see if it works out.

This sounds like a cop out to me. It's fine when you're dating but it's not okay to take this stance when you have kids at home. You either work it out or you don't. She either is doing the work or she isn't. She either shows remorse, empathy, and respect to you or she doesn't. When you get stuck in a cycle of expecting her to do more, being disappointed by her not doing more, confronting her, fighting, dysfunction and instability is now the environment you're creating that your kids are stuck in. Sure, they are not experiencing the full roller coaster but by your own account, yelling and fighting is not uncommon in your household and your kids have ears. They know something is going on. They are already affected negatively by it. That's exactly why everyone is telling you to 180 and detach. Break that cycle by not participating. Break that cycle by stopping your portion of that dysfunctional dance which means stop expecting, stop confronting, stop arguing. Are you spending so much energy attempting to make her do what she should be doing because you're afraid she will fall back into being completely unremorseful if you step back? Are you afraid that she is only doing anything because you're spending so much time and energy reminding her, being upset if she doesn't, poking and prodding her in the right direction?

Change starts with you. It starts with you doing something different than what you have been all these months that has lead to limited success. What are you doing to work on you? Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet?

nekonamida,

Are you afraid that she is only doing anything because you're spending so much time and energy reminding her, being upset if she doesn't, poking and prodding her in the right direction?

Yes, that is exactly what I am afraid of. How do I know when she "gets It"? I don't know what is real.

That is the truth and it scares me.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 10:25 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]