SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to post this.. I need to tell my story. I was with my wife for 15 years! We had an amazing family with a 10 year old girl. Our marriage never had an issues, we never fought. We would take family trips every week and have big family vacations that were awesome every year. My wife always seemed happy and I know her to be a great mother and all around good person. We were both baptized together. Well, come Christmas time, I noticed that she drew back from me for a week. I caught her texting her ex boyfriend from highschool, which they just reconnected that week. They didn’t even meet in person yet. She was sending pictures of herself that I found inappropriate on the phone, so I confronted her. My wife walked down stairs, took off her wedding rings and threw them At me. Said “I’ve never loved you, not once”. She walked out the door and drove to his place and stayed the night there. Since then we have had very little communication. She acts like I don’t exist. I had to give up some family pets that we had together for the 15 years, and she did not care one bit, pets that she picked out and loved so much. The first week of our split, I hired an attorney. We have a custody agreement. She took my daughter to her birthday party with the new boyfriend breaking our agreement that first week. She has out right told me she wants to raise our child with this guy. My wife is a school teacher and I have never known her to do anything wrong ever. This new ex boyfriend just got out of jail not long ago and has alcohol and drug problems. I am a sheriffs deputy, so this whole mess is very confusing to me. Even all her friends said she is way out of character, her family is crazy upset, and my family has been shocked. Not to mention my daughter has been traumatized by this whole event. She is trying to force a new family on my daughter in the shortest amount of time possible. I have been struggling now for 3 months. The first month I couldn’t even tie my own shoes. Now I am stuck in my 4 bedroom family home that is boxed up and getting ready to sell all alone. My wife refuses to answer my texts or phone calls. She always complained I don’t make enough money, even though I have a good job. Her new boyfriend has a part time job. I’m at a loss for words.

Her boyfriend contacted me on Facebook to say he was happy to steal my wife and that he was going to be a good dad. I freaked out over that. I’ve never heard anything like this before. I struggle now being alone. I have never been alone. I have told my wife many time she can come home to fix our family, but she refuses and says it’s over. My life has been turned upside down over night.

That’s my story. I’m working hard to now raise my daughter when I have her by myself.

I’m struggling for answers I’ll never get. I’m grieving the loss of my family. I don’t know how to move on. I want my wife home, but I don’t at the same time. I don’t know why I feel this way.

[This message edited by Fiveocj at 8:08 PM, April 5th (Sunday)]

So many of us have been in your shoes! When a WS falls for someone else, they turn on anyone who stands in their way.

I went through this 4 years ago. When the affair started, I suddenly couldn't do anything right. My husband of 29 years at that time suddenly despised me. He rewrote our entire history! Said that he had always been miserable.

I have some advice for you and it will be hard for you to do. Stop calling her. Stop communicating. If you must say something to her about the kids, just send an email. Don't ask a question that she will have to answer. Leave her completely alone. Right now you are fueling their fire! You want what the other guy has and this makes him want her more. She can't miss you if you don't leave her alone. Trust me, your only chance is to leave them alone and most of the time, the fantasy will dissolve. Don't be surprised once you do this if she calls you! This could work either way, but right now by pursuing her, you aren't helping yourself. And if she doesn't come back, you will have to find the strength to move on. If she does come back, you will need all of us at SI more than ever! It is a long hard road!

She moved out and into her own place. She has stated it’s over and she isn’t changing her mind, and is forcing the selling of our home. At this point I don’t think I would take her back. But your right. I have constantly tried to reach out to her for months. I’ve stopped now. I’m not sure how long it will take for her to turn back, or call me, if that ever happens. But your right. She has rewrote our entire history, I am a great guy that always treated her well! Now in her eyes I am the bad guy. I don’t get it. It all happened overnight. Ridiculous.

I’m actually sure she has moved on from me 100 percent.

[This message edited by Fiveocj at 9:33 PM, April 5th (Sunday)]

Sorry you are here and this happened to you. Nothing you did caused your WW to cheat. She is broken. You have been doing the “pick me” dance. It never works. It just makes you look weak in her eyes. Stop doing it. You can’t change her. Protect your rights and your child, especially if the OM has a criminal history. Your WW is the enemy now. She will try to destroy you in the D process. Make sure you have a strong lawyer to represent you. No contact with her is best. Focus on you and your children. Be strong. Good luck.

Even all her friends said she is way out of character

Bud, this is part of who she is. She’s a grown woman and knows exactly what she doing. Take her off the pedestal you have her on and deal with reality.

If you go back and look at your past phone bills I’d bet this didn’t just happen overnight. They rarely do.

I get you’re in a state of shock. Who wouldn’t be.

Cut out the contact. All that does is lower your status and makes you look weak and unattractive.

Speak to your superiors if you haven’t so this doesn’t reflect on your job performance.

They always comeback is a myth.

Exercise even if it’s just taking walks, watch your diet and any alcohol intake.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:43 PM, April 5th (Sunday)]

dup

[This message edited by Marz at 9:43 PM, April 5th (Sunday)]

I only tried so hard to get her back for my daughters sake. She is an amazing kid who had the best childhood ever. Now it’s broken and destroyed. If I didn’t have a daughter with her, that door would have shut behind her fast! Also. Yes I have texted her every day. When she first left I went through a period of 7 days of no sleep. The doctors couldn’t even put me to sleep with meds. It broke my mind. Not from her leaving, but the no sleep.

Also. It was only 7 days of contact with the ex boyfriend. I have the record of when they started communication. It’s crazy she would jump out of a 15 year relationship without meeting him in person first. The dude had a girlfriend and kid living at his place who he kicked out. It’s crazy.

Let me get y’all’s opinions. My wife has been pushing for the custody agreement to change so her boyfriend can be around my daughter. Should I allow it to help her fantasy pop faster? My daughter is going to hate being around him because I told her who he was after he went to her birthday party the first week of the split. She wants nothing to do with him. My wife is still a good mom (minus the whole trying to replace the dad part) and wouldn’t let harm come to her.

My wife has been pushing for the custody agreement to change so her boyfriend can be around my daughter. Should I allow it to help her fantasy pop faster?

NO. In fact, you should retain a good attorney, get a full background check on the boyfriend from a reputable PI, and do EVERYTHING legally possible to NEVER allow this guy around your kid. Because...

This new ex boyfriend just got out of jail not long ago and has alcohol and drug problems.

You're a sheriff's deputy, so you're probably already aware that having strange men in the home, substance abusers in particular, can increase the risk of molestation of your daughter. It will actually serve better to "pop the fantasy" when your STBXWW understands that you're NOT going to allow "happy families" with the ex-con.

Five... your sweet daughter is not a pawn. If the man is a criminal then you fight for what is best for her regardless if you think your wife is a good mother. A woman who leaves her husband after texting for 7 days and then brings the AP to her child’s birthday the following week.... is not making choices as a mother.

You need not worry about your WW and the AP getting hit with reality... it will happen without your help, despite what it may look like to you.

If you have not started seeing a therapist or trauma coach you need to now. One that is APSATS trained off at all possible. You are reeling from the most devastating thing a married person would ever have to go through. You have to find your healing for you and your little girl. She needs you now more than ever.

No, just no to letting her have custody. The best thing would be for you to have full custody and supervised visitation for her if you could swing that. Her judgement can't be trusted. (And I'm uncomfortable with the fact that she's trusted to teach children, based on what you're saying about her.) You've gotten good advice. 180 is for you to move on with your life, but it will also give her a reality check. Which she needs, esp since she's now sucking your child into her lala land fantasy world. You mentioned baptism. Has anyone from your church (anyone whom has wisdom, not necessarily a pastor of priest) confronted her with any of this?

This just breaks my heart. There are so many women who would kill to have a faithful husband and a beautiful child. You will have a lot to sort through, but you can heal from this. And assuming your marriage cannot be salvaged (and although miracles do happen, it seems unlikely given the current circumstances), God has something better for you than this.

Thanks for the feed back. I’ve been alone all this time.

[This message edited by Fiveocj at 2:06 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

You might want to run his records/past through your attorney. There maybe something there that would preclude involvement with your daughter.

Good luck

My wife is still a good mom (minus the whole trying to replace the dad part) and wouldn’t let harm come to her.

Nope, what good mother would attempt to do this to her child?

Should I allow it to help her fantasy pop faster?

Make no mistake. This is a decision she made. She knows exactly what she’s doing.

Fiveocj

1.) First, lawyer up and have her served. Now. if she ever gets her head out of her ass, you can stop it. Go for full custody. She deserted her daughter.

2.)Stop doing the pick-me-dance now and forever. It just makes you look weak as hell compared to Mr. Studmuffin. Google - "The 180 For Hurt Spouses". Do it religiously.

3.) Ghost her. No communication except through your lawyer.

4.) Get yourself and your daughter into Individual Counseling ASAP.

5.) Separate all financials. Credit Cards, Bank accounts, Insurance, & will.

6.) Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as a PGF file, it's free. Read it.

7.) Remember the movie "Gladiator", how the Roman Legionaries saluted each other with the words, "Strength & Honor"? You have to show this to your STBXW (Soon to be ex-wife) and your daughter. Let them remember you this way. Print it out and put it on your mirror so you have to look at it every day.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 2:54 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

Fiveocj, I am sorry your wife has put you through this with your daughter.

When cheated on, many of us think that if we can somehow make the cheaters see what they have done,the pain and destruction they have caused, they will change and we can resurrect our old life and be a family again.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Cheaters are selfish.

We pick ourselves from the dust, and start to make steps towards a better future for our children and ourselves. These steps a painful, but in the right direction.

We call our doctor and make an appointment to be tested for STD's. Yes, some of us burst into tears having been put in such a humiliating situation, but we know it has to be done.We ask for meds to help us sleep, to help with anxiety, depression... We must be healthy to continue.

We search for the best lawyer to dissolve the marriage. Yes, we might still love our cheating spouse, but a marriage is between 2 people.

We gather evidence to support our custody battle as we want the best for our children. We make sure they are not exposed to the other person involved, especially if they have a criminal record.

We find a counselor for ourselves and our children to help us process the trauma we have experienced.

We lean on family and friends.

We join a gym, we go walking.

We have a haircut, manicure, pedicure, buy new clothes, take up a hobby we always wanted to do.

And we start to live life being the best person we can be, for ourselves and for our children.

It is a hard road, but there is no alternative.

Be strong, you are a good man who deserves all the best in the future.

I was with my wife for 15 years!

15 years and she never loved you all that time? Your wife is full of BS! First thing to know is this. You did noting wrong your wife is broken at this point. I have never met a cheater who did not rewrite the history of their marriage! She can't be the villain of her own story! You have noting to work with here time to move on. Take care of yourself and your daughter and get a shark of a lawyer! Good luck...

What the others share about lawyering up is completely accurate. It’s not a question of being vengeful or trying to leave her desolate; there are procedures and laws that generally assure that the process you are going through is handled in as fair a manner as possible.

Keep in mind that marriage is a legal contract. It varies from state-to-state but theoretically you could be financially liable for commitments your wife could be making.

Any custody agreement you have in place now will be the biggest indicator on how the final agreement will look like. I strongly suggest you do nothing that decreases your role or say on the present agreement.

Regarding your daughter…

Your marriage won’t be the first one to end in divorce (if this ends that way). Your daughter won’t be the first girl to have her mom’s next husband / boyfriend take over some of the roles of a father. In fact – as a father – you should be HOPING that whoever assumes that role does so in a loving, caring manner. As long as you do your part as her father it won’t be threatening, but rather a supplement for your daughter.

Might not be what you want to hear but there are hundreds of posters here on SI that are the “dads” of children from a previous relationship. A common agony here on SI is when these “dads” that don’t really have any rights to custody are losing the kids they have raised for years when their WW cheats and divorces.

BUT HAVING SAID THAT:

It’s a known fact that the risk of abuse increases if the child is living with a step-parent. I have read that the risk of abuse can be anything from 10 to 20 x more likely if the kids are living with a step-parent (This can be googled, but I wish I had a scientific reference to confirm that number. Anyways I think all agree that the odds are higher, be it 3x or 20x).

That’s why you put a clause in the custody-agreement about who, why and when people either you or your wife are dating or living with can be around your daughter. You STICK TO THAT CLAUSE and REFUSE to remove it. Her BF childishness in the message he sent you isn’t a strong indicator that he’s a rational, calm and sensible man.

Everyone here at SI has given great advice.

Here is one thing I want to add. Please know that your wife was never unhappy until she started texting the new boyfriend. Of course now she has to rewrite your marital history to support her opinion that she was “not happy“ all these years.

You know that’s a lie. She knows it’s a lie. However the cheater needs to validate their terrible choice to walk out on their marriage and children/family/Pets.

I agree with others here that her boyfriend should never be allowed around your daughter. If there must be visitation it should either be supervised or the boyfriend is excluded from any contact with your daughter. I don’t believe the boyfriend is going to be in the picture for very long. His behavior in kicking out his girlfriend and children (whose children they are is irrelevant) Just goes to show you that he is not a very honorable person either.

And when things get tough, I am certain he will kick your wife (STBXW) out as well and replace her just as easily.

I’m so sorry for you. You will survive this. We all do b/c we have no choice.