SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It takes 2 to R. You have zero control over your x.

You do have total control over you.

You would be wise to cut of all the contact you can. It’ll provide clarity to you.

There are 2 things that always make these situations worse.

1-the “pick me dance” which lowers your status

2-trying to nice them back

These work the opposite of what you think upfront

Look back. Did it help you in any way?

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover

It’s a free pdf and short. It’ll help

If you chase they will move farther away

[This message edited by Marz at 8:53 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

How can other people just give up so easily and forget about it?

There are very few people here who gave up easily. Usually, they are just as upset and tortured about what is happening to their family, their relationship, their life, as you are. Many, many have gone through much worse.

Many people believe that their relationship and ultimately the infidelity are a special case. Their marriage was wonderful, their spouse was angelic, "How can this be happening?"

Are you kidding? Adultery is as old as mankind. When did Moses come down the mountain with THE TEN COMMANDMENTS? "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery". Apparently the Hebrews were having a little too good a time 4000 years ago.

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife". Hmm... it was enough of a problem that God figured maybe he should say something.

King David sent a guy into battle so he would get killed and he could get his wife. This is the guy who wrote the Psalms for God's sake (literally).

Joseph (of the "technicolor dream coat" fame) gets sold into slavery, and his master's wife makes a play for him!! He refuses, so she accuses him of rape, and he gets thrown in prison. Would make a good soap opera plot.

What I am saying is this: The only way you can save a marriage is for you to be willing to lose it. You have to get strong. When people tell you that you cannot get her into reconciliation when she is is defiant, thinks she is in love, thinks she hates you, is living with her lover of one week, there is no magic that you can do make her find her love for you, no work that you can perform that will get her to come around.

These are lessons that the thousands of people on here have found out through "Blood, tears, toil, & sweat" as Winston Churchill said. Can this marriage be saved, even though you are not a quitter? She is the only one who can do that, and right now it doesn't look too good. The only actions you can take is to move ahead, show her your strength, and try to do your best for your kids.

Will she ever change? Who knows, but you cannot plan on something that unlikely to happen.

You think you see signs of change. Good, and I hope the best for you. Good luck, but stay strong.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 9:28 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

I know. It's her choice. I can't plan on her changing her mind. I just am the type of person that believes family is most important. I also have the personality, that if something is wrong, I fix it. So this is now my personal struggle. I don't know how to fix it. I don't think it can be fixed. But I don't know how to give up on something. It's the worst feeling I ever had. Worse than when my mom died.

I am going to start dating again soon. It might be to soon, but whatever.

You are correct: This cannot be fixed. Your wife is a miscreant. She lacks empathy and integrity. You would have a horseshit marriage after this unless you get a lobotomy.

Sorry. Many of us have been through pretty much the same with minor variations. You need to accept that your wife is really evil.

I really like that. She is evil. Truly evil. I just wonder, how did I not see this before that day? How was I so blind?

As you get clarity (no contact helps) you’ll probably reflect back and see things you either ignored or overlooked before.

You aren’t the first and won’t be the last to be fooled like this.

Take care of yourself and kid first. No one else matters.

I bet the other man (OM) was the one that got away. He was the one she always looked back on and never got over.

All these years, she still looked back with that teenage crush clouding her vision.

You were the one who came along that she settled for. And then, teen bad boy shows up and she wets her pants.

Well, the people who were the popular ones in high school are usually losers in the adult world.

His message to you proves it. What an immature punk.

I would bet that it doesn't last. But if you let her back in, it won't help your family. She has already ruined that. Your kids would be in a damaged broken family.

They are better off at least being away from those two assholes than with the man who would do anything to protect them. She proved that she didn't give 2 F's about their wellfair.

Stand tall buddy. Let her see you as the one that got away because of her shit sightedness. When your kids are grown, they will love you and respect you.

Find someone else. I'll bet she bites her tongue when she finds out you are dating. That's the way these scumbags think. You are supposed to suffer from loss forever, not move on and find her replacement.

When she finds him wanting, she will rue what she threw away. Have your new girl shut the door in her face.

Did your wife suddenly start using drugs after she started seeing the OM?

It just seems like something in her just broke.

Either that or she believes everything the OM told her and is swept up in her new “true love” Fantasy.

So sorry for you. You will survive this. We all do! Hang in there.

So I contacted the woman the OM kicked out of his place. She tells me the guy is a good at faking his life. He lies about everything, and my wife bought into it. She bit into a fantasy this guy cannot deliver. My only issue is, it might take a long time for my wife to find this out. She tells me she would rather be single then come back to me, I think that is her pride talking, she could never admit she was wrong ever. My wife is very good looking, so he might actually try to keep his act together to hold up his fantasy he sold her.

I just talked to another friend of my wife’s, and they were completely shocked by her behavior. Said it was the last person they would have thought would do this.

Yes. It seemed like something broke in her, over night. That night she left me, she was shaking l, and it looked like she had a mental break. I’m telling you, completely out of character 100 percent. Especially after both of us being baptized together and her being religious. Shocking.

I go through periods of depression, anger, happiness, and probably a mix of all of them, sometimes all in one day. I want my wife back home, then I see pictures of her with the OM and hate her and not want her back. I feel like this whole situation has made me bipolar.

I want her back

Then I don’t want her back.

How long does it take for these feelings to go away?!!!!!

I’m ready to move on with my life, but every time I take a step forward, I take two steps back.

Your only good path is no contact. That includes (pain shopping). Block her social media, get rid of photos, etc. anything that triggers you. Time will take care of the rest.

Fiveocj,

Welcome and sorry to see you.

I've read your posts and I think she may have had some kind of break. Please be careful and use you resources. I live in a big city and the police union gives aid for legal and family issues. There are also state and national organizations to help the police as well. Also, are you a veteran? There's help there too.

Anyway, the best strategy, I think would be the 180. Your wife sounds manipulative and she knows you want to preserve your family. As long as she thinks you're pining for her she'll string you along. Let...her...go! When she sees you pulling away at the same time her 'man's' BS begins to unravel I think you'll see some rapid changes. DO NOT buy the 'I must have been crazy' or 'I'm so sorry I hurt you' or what ever she comes at you with. She knew what she was doing, did it deliberately and would do it again.

She is not a good mother. She's an egoist. Please be very vigilant. This OM may only want your wife to get at your daughter. It's an old story. You're a cop so I know you've heard of this.

Since he's an ex-con, maybe you could get him on parole violation. Make sure the judge know who your wife is letting have access to your child. It may not get you full custody, but maybe you could have the court supervise the visits.

Good luck.

This is a little off topic, but it might interest you.

You mentioned feeling your wife is very good looking. I felt mine was too.

I once read a book by a PI out of Austrailia, who specialized in adultery investigation. She addressed this topic of BS feeling their spouse was good looking.

As part of her preliminaries, she would request a description of the suspected cheater. Invariably, the BS would extol about the good looks.

Then, she would ask for a photo and also get to see the spouse when surveilling.

She was shocked at how ordinary or, sometimes how homely these cheaters were.

Not that it particularly matters, but many BS have an exaggerated estimation of their Cheater's looks and it manifest itself even more so after betrayal for some reason. None of my friends or family thought my XW was al that and I can see that now, too, with time and distance.

I tell you this because you may feel, as I did, that my XW was some sort of prize that I had now lost and I would not find another woman that was so attractive.

But, in reality, I found that not to be true. You are far from being ready for a new relationship. But, when you are, you will be very marketable.

I really don’t want her back for her, but I do want her back to complete my family.

One of the best things you can do as a strong, loving, compassionate father is to start to rethink your definition of family. Especially family "for the sake of" your kids.

I would do anything for my family.

Then do the one thing you never thought you'd have to do. In the end, your daughter will appreciate having a strong, loving, healed father who puts the work in and gives her the gift of his healthiest, best self day in and day out despite any obstacle. You have no idea how important and how good that is for her. *Especially* now that she has to deal with a mother who has gone off the rails.

She needs YOU--not some societally-approved concept of a "family"--more than anything else in the world.

My family is worth fighting for.

Correct. It's just that the fight looks different than what you've been doing so far. Very hard for a new BS to see that, but it's true and time-tested here. A million times over.

How long does it take for these feelings to go away?!!!!!

They will begin to go away as soon as you truly implement the 180 and begin the divorce process. Within 48 hours, not only will you feel better, but you'll see changes in what's happening with WW, too.

NOT pushing you to D. R can happen at any time if WW comes along and you both really want it. But you need to take these steps now. Remember that filing for D is not the same as *getting* a D; that process can be stopped at any time, even on your last day in court. Do not fear it; do it. You will be more powerful than you've ever been in the last three months.

~

Lastly, please remember that every single person here has walked this same exact path. None of it is unique. We truly do know how to get you out of this hell. You just need to start to believe.

I can't tell you how many times I've read how contact with an old high school X triggered outrageously insane and self destructive behavior (and YES - it hits/escalates unbelievably fast).

Some studies theorize that connecting with an old flame has the potential to provide a youthful teenage high (out of control high like a drug) that they then associate with a POS like the OM.

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is nothing you could have said or done to prevent this.

For whatever reason your wife became a very different person. As part of that transformation and to justify her behavior she has to convince herself that her marriage was 'bad' and she never loved you.

She may come back to reality (or not). If she wakes up, you may decide to reconcile or not (it's way too soon for you to make that decision).

Currently, she has become another person and you need to accept it for what it is and distance yourself from her.

Treat her civilly but treat her as impersonally/as business like as you would a stranger (because she is).

Since she's living with the OM, IMO you should should zero tolerance for her behavior by initiating Divorce.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:22 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

Yes, I’m am going to start the 180. I am grateful that I found this support site. I can’t sleep still. I get maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I can’t wait for the day I get sleep!

Friend you need to see your Dr.

You need to get your sleep and anxiety under control. You are extremely overwhelmed right now and what you are doing is not working for your well being.

Please get on the horn w/ your Dr. Ask about meds to help w/ sleep AND Anxiety. NOT sleeping pills. But something to quiet the mind so you can rest, and start healing. I too went weeks with little to no sleep and all it did was make me more confused, and weaker, and more prone to catching every bug I came across, and right now you need to keep your immune system up.

Additionally if your work has an EAP program reach out and get lined up w/ some online counseling. You need to get your head straight. You are struggling and that is normal, but having a third party that is not invested in either one of you can help you see things from a clearer and better perspective.

Have you filed yet?

If not, do so. What would it take for her to do for you to say that it is the camel that broke the camel’s back?

Sorry to break the news to you, but she is sleeping with another man!

I can’t sleep still. I get maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I can’t wait for the day I get sleep!

Talk to your doc about this if you can. Maybe you can get a sleep aid or some anxiety meds (but be careful with those). Many of us had to do this.

Yes, I’m am going to start the 180. I am grateful that I found this support site. I can’t sleep still. I get maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I can’t wait for the day I get sleep!

I was in your boat for awhile and one thing that helped was a checkup with my GP which was actually about a week after DDay. He put me on Lexapro and it helped with a lot of the day to day, but also when I take it around dinnertime, I find that I have almost no trouble sleeping. Not to mention that of all the times in my life to be on an anti-anxiety medication, in the middle of a lethal pandemic has been a pretty good time. This situation is stressful for all of us, but I have been able to keep myself in check, some of that I attribute to Lexapro's steady hand.

Not trying to push meds on someone, but it was something from my own experience really has helped me, and I'm only in the beginning stages of R.