SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read something along the way that put it nicely...

A revenge affair will never have the same impact on your ws as the initial affair had on you. The bonds of attachment are already broken and the person you are trying to hurt is already detached... hence their affair.

Keep your integrity and stay true to your values.

My BH had an RA and regrets it.

I think that when some BS hear things like "I kept my integrity," that just salts the wound. They were the steady, reliable partner whose soul got trampled in favor of recklessness and irresponsibility. They want their turn to have fun instead of suffering for the common good. At the very least, they hope it will numb some of the pain, or that it will wake the WS up to the full magnitude of what they did.

But at least for my BH, it didn't work that way. He didn't enjoy it the way he hoped he would. He thought it would be validating, and it was in the sense that it proved he was attractive enough to get someone else in the sack without a lot of effort. But she was there for the same reasons he was -- validation after her ex cheated -- and it didn't feel exhilarating and new. He isn't capable of the foggy, self-deceptive thinking that would have made it feel fantastic. It felt cheap and fake, and he was ashamed of using her.

And what he got in return was exactly what some other members have described. I saw the scales as, if not balanced, certainly a damn sight closer. I didn't have the same level of anger, because I knew "I started it," but I got the mind movies and the heartache. He knew all too well what that felt like, and he still loved me, so he suffered the guilt and remorse of the betrayer on top of the anguish of the betrayed.

It was a terrible bargain, and it led us to rugsweep instead of truly healing.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 5:29 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

If you lined up all the stupid shit I've done in my life, you'd see a long, long line (I'm in my 50s). At the front, looming large, would be my RA. I don't have the energy to tell you all the reasons why because there are too many. I didn't punish anyone even half as much as I reduced my view of myself. So much shame, it could fill a stadium. Sigh.

My initial comment regarding 'you getting out of infidelity' was really about getting out of the darkness of your wayward spouses actions I.e. thoughts/actions you would not have entertained before hand.

However, your last post sadly indicates that you are already crossing that line. It's only a matter of conjecture how far..

You are already having this revenge affair.

You need to decide what to do from here.

If willing, we can assist you out of your own infidelity.

[This message edited by paboy at 6:23 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

I’m sorry if this post is unacceptable. I’m a betrayed spouse, a wife, who wanted advice about a path I thought would help me. Will it be deleted?

Ha, no. You're one of a bajillion BS's who have at least contemplated this.

It makes complete sense that this would cross your mind.

I’m sorry if this post is unacceptable. I’m a betrayed spouse, a wife, who wanted advice about a path I thought would help me. Will it be deleted?

I think the moderator was making it clear that no one responding to you is allowed to recommend that you have RA on any level because it is against this website's core purpose, which is, getting OUT of infidelity, not getting further into it.

You've suffered a trauma and I'm glad you found this website because it's really hard to go through this without a support system to help hold you up while you get your feet back under you and can breathe again. We can't take away your pain but we can help you stay strong as you work your way through it. Peace to you.

I'll tell you another consequence of an RA: you'll be forever banned from the Just Found Out forum, the only place where waywards can never post. It won't matter who did what first or how minor you believe your transgressions are compared to his. Once you have been the BS and the WS in the same relationship, you're a madhatter, and it's no more JFO for you.

Judging from some of the BS I've seen ejected by a madhatter designation, you might be surprised by how much that hurts. How invalidating it feels of your pain. How you'll feel like you've been kicked out of the only club that understands. You might see a post in JFO where you feel you have something really helpful to contribute, but you'll know better than to try. If you do, it will be blocked out with the words "BS ONLY" and a reminder from the mods that you aren't welcome there. You'll have become a potential trigger, someone from whom other BS need protection, because you validated and defended infidelity.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:29 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

I don't judge anyone for having a revenge affair but, strategically, NOT having one will always put you a step above.

I will always be slightly better than him in that regard. He slipped but I am stronger.

Holding onto to your dignity and integrity is much more powerful.

reread FlNightmare ...

A revenge affair will never have the same impact on your ws as the initial affair had on you.

It's just not the same - in fact imagine how that plays out ... when your WH finds out (and isn't that the point?) I'd imagine his response would be - okay now we're even, let's move on. And will you be able to move on then?

am not understanding the phrase "you are still in infidelity" I never cheated on my husband and now I'm considering a revenge affair. I have not met with the prospect who lives here. I did meet with the prospect who doesn't live here in my city....and besides a few hugs and touches we did not go any further.

unfortunately you did go far enough to cross the line in the

sand. you had a PA soon as you commenced petting. you

were on a date when this went down.

foggy WW talk, minimizing and justifying your WW actions.

you need to confess your long distance EA as well as your local

PA.

RA's never level the playing field, they only cause the BS to

lose the moral high, become a hypocrite, cause more pain,

more problems, only making recovery more difficult.

I think that when some BS hear things like "I kept my integrity," that just salts the wound.

This has to be aimed at my post as I’m the one who specifically mentioned the value of keeping ones integrity.

No, not even remotely, because a BS has kept their integrity, as far as one knows, regarding their marital vows.

That is, unless they also happen to be a WW as well.

This is the first I have ever seen here in the General forum - a WW attempting to gaslight a new BS by claiming that keeping your integrity is somehow a bad thing and salting their wounds. Horseshit.

The notion of keeping ones integrity does not “salts the wound” of a faithful BS, as the original poster is, but it sure must grind in the guilt of a WW who has shit on and discarded their integrity for whatever empty, pathetic, fantasy world they convinced themselves they were living while lying to and deceiving their faithful, integrity-intact BS.

Geez, I guess all those supportive friends and family that said I was a good man in being true to my XWW and being a man of integrity were really being assholes in trying salt my wounds.

Integrity, honor, trust, dignity - these are the characteristics that establish and maintain high self-esteem.

Whoever, however, and how many people you fuck doesn’t mean jack shit in the end.

When one is on their deathbed they are not going to look back and think about whoever and how many people they had sex with, they will look back and hope that they were a decent and honest person.

I’ll sound it out from the mountain tops to every Betrayed Spouse out there, “I kept my integrity and you should keep yours too! Your children are watching!!!”

ETA: Apologies to Flnightmare as I see you mentioned it as well. Hats off to you.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 9:02 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

My own little story about RA. So about 9 months post D Day, I am out of town with friends at a bar. This much younger woman starts hitting on me. I didn't exactly discourage it but I didn't encourage it either. Long story short, she asks me back to her hotel room. I think about it for a second, wow validation I am still attractive after what I had been going through in my marriage and a chance to get back at my cheating wife.

Then I thought wait, you are still married and that is not who you are. I told her no thanks and walked away. Probably surprised the heck out of her.

I thought about it later and was glad I learned something about myself. When things were going terrible wrong in my marriage and life, I could still be true to myself and my values. It wasn't even hard.

Now if I could just make the right decisions about what to do in my marriage...….

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 9:47 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

Mickie500,

Why don’t you tell us your story?

We’ve seen it all here on SI. Whatever your story is, you will get good advice.

Going through reconciliation is so hard. This recovery process is excruciating! I didn’t ask for this and I need some relief. I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts or ruminating.

This is why R is so difficult. Even when you've been forewarned about it and you think you know what you're in for, it's still a very rough and rocky road while you sort through your feelings. It isn't called a roller coaster for nothing, things go along just fine and you think you're doing well and something happens to drop you down, way down sometimes.

Sometimes it's one step forward, two back, and one more sideways. When that happens, you need to try to move the steps in a forward direction again and you stall while you try to figure out how.

I journaled for a long time, wrote everything down, straight out of my brain. It helped me unload the poisonous thoughts without spewing them out randomly all over and it also helped me to define what I really wanted from WH to move on. Perhaps you could try that.

Think about how you felt when you found out about the affair. Do you really want to inflict that on someone else? I can't think that you would.

Please don't do this, it will not help you gain any feelings of self worth, nor will it ease your battered self esteem.

One affair is damaging enough.

Just get a divorce. How is this even a question? And already two prospects? Hopefully they’re not married otherwise you’re actually worse than the person who cheated on you.

This is the first I have ever seen here in the General forum - a WW attempting to gaslight a new BS by claiming that keeping your integrity is somehow a bad thing and salting their wounds. Horseshit.

I really think you misread or misunderstood that post.

This is the first I have ever seen here in the General forum - a WW attempting to gaslight a new BS by claiming that keeping your integrity is somehow a bad thing and salting their wounds. Horseshit.

I apologize that it came across as an attempt to discredit you, and I promise you that it was not intended that way, at all.

I have read several betrayed spouses on SI write about resentment at expectations that they give up something that they believe would be healing to them. The OP wrote that "I feel like he was able to engage in the excitement of something new while I was sitting home being faithful." I was trying to acknowledge that sense of unfairness while also explaining that loss of integrity was, in fact, tremendously damaging for my BH.

I most definitely should have phrased it that some betrayed spouses feel like it just salts the wound. And of course, as we see here, not all BS feel that way at all. It seemed that Mickie did, and I wanted her to feel heard even as I argued against engaging in an RA.

Again, I really am sorry that I botched my message.

BSR,

I understand now, thanks.

Apologies from me as well.

Mickie, an RA will not make you feel better.

My stbxh had a 5 year affair with a woman he hired for sex, before that he went to massage parlours for happy endings and spent Time on online dating sites..

For 10 years he cheated in one way or another. It hurts. It still hurts like I can’t believe.

It has been two years and I still feel the pain.

Now I am facing life alone.

How does the hurt stop... find a good counsellor. Face it happened, let them help you deal with it. It was too much for me to do alone, I tried a few counsellors. They were hacks so I stopped. Bad move. Now I have a good one and I really like her.

We are working on me loving me, me forgiving me, not him. My problems aren’t about him now, they are all about me.

I truly suggest you find your own path to healing. It is not an R A. You are mourning the marriage you thought you had. Get help with it. It is so very difficult.

Then you decide if you want to R. For me, my stubborn ass self could not admit that this was a dealbreaker, I lived in limbo on hopium. I could not believe That half my life brought me to this. This pain. I can’t change it. I have to accept it happened. It did.

Maybe you can learn from my mistakes.