SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the moderator was making it clear that no one responding to you is allowed to recommend that you have RA on any level because it is against this website's core purpose, which is, getting OUT of infidelity, not getting further into it.

Yes! Thank you!

Do you seriously think that having an affair yourself (yes, a 'revenge' affair is an affair) will help you to get through the pain of having an affair? Will help you to truly reconcile?

No. Continuing down the path you're headed on makes 2 sets of infidelity-related problems, making it even more difficult to reconcile.

To the OP:

Simply put, don't you have enough problems already?

No disaster on the face of the earth has ever been made simpler or less damaging by adding another person/more people.

Get involved/involve other people, you will still have every problem you have right now, plus their baggage on top of it, plus the damage and fallout of your own wrong doing.

Duplicate post, sorry.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 6:09 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

why are people under the mistaken assumption that having a RA will take away the pain of the original affair?

It won't. The excrutiating pain WILL NOT STOP.

You will be steeped in shame and then have two things to heal from.

Why do that to yourself?

In my view, terrible idea. Serves no purposeful exit, or R strategy. As others have said, when your WS finds out, they will call it even. If they don't find out, you will still be angry, traumatized and to add to that terribly disappoint in yourself.

You are NOT in R. The hugs and discussion you had with the potential OM says you are NOT in R. You are only in a wait state. A "what do I want to do" holding pattern.

I have no objections to a WS getting whatever they deserve, but a revenge affair by the BS will only give them resolve to say, even Steven, get over it, move on, no more question answering for you.

Either in or get out. You have a right to do whatever you want to do, but not in the way you were done to. Get out if you think the only fix is to have sex with someone else. There are a hundred legitimate reasons to free yourself from the infidelity trauma you are in. Don't complicate it by fanning the flames. It won't do what you think it will or hope it would.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:20 AM, April 27th, 2020 (Monday)]

Mickie500- I think an RA is something a lot of BSs ponder and it is normal to explore that to really think about before you jump into it.

There are many reasons, but I want to ask what do you think you will gain by having an RA ?

If you really want to rebuild your M I think we can all agree this would not be helpful to it. Instead of making your H rise up to your level of character you are going trade your integrity of the illusion of the A ? Doesn't seem to make sense does it ?

I think that this is a really good thing to bring to IC before acting on it. You can always make different choices in the future, but you can't change the past. It is important that you explore why you want to do this on a deeper level. I'll bet you don't understand exactly either. Your are making decisions without having all of the information. Please take some time to think about it.

Even if you keep your RA a secret, you will know. It will follow you around forever and add to that voice in your head when you need ask and expect what you need in the future.

Please. Just press, "pause," for now.

I’m not going to tell you to consider your WS or marriage or whatever else at this point bc I know when I was thinking of a revenge affair - I couldn’t have cared less about the fucking marriage. My WS betrayed me and I wanted to get “even”, I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. The truth was, she wasn’t going to hurt like I hurt, and I wasn’t going to like it like she liked it.

I had to be very very honest with myself about how I would have felt if I had done it. Me. How I would have felt toward myself. I played out the scenario in my head, I would have needed alcohol to do it which was the first indicator that I clearly didn’t like what I was about to try to do...

As I pictured it I sat with the feeling I would have likely felt when I was done...

I would have felt disgusted. Severely disgusted at doing something with someone I hardly knew and using my body like that. I deserved better from myself. I didn’t deserve to feel disgusted with myself on top of all of the deep pain I was in from my WS’s betrayal. This was what ultimately kept me from having an RA. It wasn’t for my stupid WS’s sake, seriously why would I consider my WS’s emotions (in a good way) after she had done what she did? Like I mentioned earlier, I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. It was harder for me not to have an RA bc I wanted to get “even” so badly...

What I had to remind myself was that no matter how badly I wanted to get even, I didn’t deserve to do that to myself. I deserved better from me. I had to keep telling myself that over and over and over again every time it crossed my mind. It pissed me off that I couldn’t level the emotional pain and “have sex for fun” and “get her back”...But once I sat in that hurt and anger more, I was able to heal it and focus on me instead of her.

*sending you strength*

I had a RA. A revenge A is one of those things you really can't completely understand until you do it. A lot of the conjectures posted here don't reflect my experience or my WW's reaction to the RA. Truthfully, the experience was much worse.

My WW had ended her A on her own. There was no pining or "what could have been" on her side, she was just done and went NC. My WW even got a new job and blocked him everywhere possible. Her AP couldn't really handle that and he followed my WW for several weeks and scared the hell out of her. She drove to a super busy gas station during one of these episodes and told him to stop and threatened to call the police, get a RO, etc. He outed her to me a few weeks later. His BW knew about the A was divorcing him and she let his employer (my WW's former employer) know what happened. He was fired.

My WW was blameshifty too. She trickle truthed to the point of stupidity. She made her A was my fault in her mind. She thought I would pursue her or realize I could lose her because another man was interested in her. She felt I didn't give her enough attention, I worked too hard, and complained too much. She convinced herself I didn't love her. Basically, I held her accountable and she didn't like it. There is power or control aspect to cheating too. Having a secret like an A gives the cheater power over the poor sucker sitting at home with the kids. Cheaters are withholding life changing information from the BS. It gives them a sense of importance.

I also had this notion that her A was some super romantic, sex with a porn star anywhere/anyway/anytime, so in love experience. I wasn't threatened by the guy, in fact quite the opposite, I was shocked at who she cheated with. The dude was a loser and not a physical specimen by any means. My WW was way out of this guy's league and I couldn't understand why. I also felt like a complete idiot because I didn't have any damn idea this happened. I also felt slighted because I had been 100% faithful to her, even when opportunities had presented themselves.

I later learned that her A was pretty pathetic. It was 8 months or so when they basically had daily contact with each other and there were 12 sexual experiences between them that were mostly quickies in a vehicle at lunch.

My RA was with an old FWB that reached out to me with one of those "how's life treating you" messages. We met for coffee and a hour later went to her apartment and had sex. It lasted a year and a half until she ended it. I told my WW I was going to meet her and see where it went. I made it clear I would not be faithful to her. My WW cried, raged, and begged me not to go. I asked her where this emotion was when she decided to cheat and I told her she could leave if she wanted. I rubbed the whole thing in her face too. I was upfront with where I was going and what I was doing. There was no lying or sneaking around. I would come home late and flop into bed smelling of perfume, sweat, and sex and not give a shit how it made my WW feel. I wanted to punish her. I wanted her to feel pain. I felt she deserved what was happening to her. I would blatantly set up meetings in front on her. If she dared to ask me a question about the A or how could I do this, I would flip it back to her. I became a heartless asshole.

I'll tell you Mickie, making the decision to purposely hurt someone you love, or even once loved, is fucked up. The hurt and rage of someone betraying you will fade. You will come to realize you WH's betrayal wasn't about you. That sounds insane now, but it is true. When the dust settled, I didn't feel like I lost my integrity but I did feel like a cruel, vindictive, asshole that used a person to hurt someone that was broken and desperately trying to make amends. My wife said she came out of her A realizing what she risked and she said it made her realize how much she loved me. She's said she couldn't believe how stupid she was. She did realize it was her and not me. She went to counseling, she apologized constantly, she took a polygraph, she read books, she did some sort of affair recovery online course, she delved into her FOO issues, she learned about love languages, and attachment styles and I was hell bent on hurting her instead of healing any of my wounds or fixing anything between us. See how that's beyond unhealthy? I kept myself in the situation longer than I needed too and handed myself, and my wife, a whole bunch of other issues to work through. Take it from someone that's been there and done that, don't do it.

a ‘revenge’ affair is an affair

WW/MH here.

I feel like that tiny sentence by ZenMumWalking sums up everything. An affair is an affair. Sticking revenge in front of it is justification.

I stuck a lot of things in front of my affairs, too. Accountability seemed hard. Ultimately, how I feel and how I cope is up to me. No one held a gun to my head. I chose to get married and I could choose what kind of a human being I wanted to be. That didn’t have anything to do with my husband or his choices.

I’m sorry you’re here, Mickie. I think you’d benefit from posting in Wayward and untangling why your worth is so tied up in other people. You’re enough on your own.

Integrity, honor, trust, dignity - these are the characteristics that establish and maintain high self-esteem.

TOTALLY AGREE

If that salts my WH's self-inflicted wound, so be it. I'm not going to dumb down myself just so his feelsies aren't hurt.

I was a better person than him in that regard. I'm fine with it. If I cheated to even the score then I lose my self-respect.

The discussion may continue as to the consequences of RA’s, however encouragement of engaging in a revenge affair will not be tolerated as this site is about healing from infidelity.

WalkinOnEggshelz summed it up perfectly. An affair is an affair. Don't do it.

I considered it, had prospects for it.

Then decided that that person is not me. It wouldn't make me feel any better for the betrayal I was dealing with. I am not that kind of girl. I used to be. Long time ago before marriage and before I even met my H.

It won't make the situation better. How would it help?

If I would have done it I would feel disgusted with myself. I don't even think I could because the thought of another man touching me makes me feel sick.

I so get how you feel. After Dday I was so angry and determined to have a revenge f**k.when it came to it however I just couldn't it felt too sleazy. I did spend a few months on dating websites and that was a glorious distraction. The ridiculously predictable photos of men with their motorbikes made me laugh for the first time for weeks, a couple of blokes tried to sext me which I found hilariously funny- not the effect they were hoping for I imagine. I did meet a few men for one date and it was interesting meeting different people and again gave me sth else to think about and thankfully for my friends, talk about. I wouldn't advise an RA. I don't think it would make you feel better. But I don't regret my dalliance with dating sites as it gave me back a shred of self confidence and kept me sane until I found SI and other similar sites.

I remember a thread from more than a year ago. I don't remember the poster's name but he explained that he was having a RA.

He explained that it was the best thing he could have ever done after his WW cheated.

He was having some of the best times he could imagine.

He was really enjoying the time he was spending getting to know this person.

Only after recommending that every BS try it did he explain that the person he was spending the time with was himself.

He said he had forgotten who he was, had lost interest in hobbies, ceased spending time with friends and family but was getting those parts of his life back.

But I don't regret my dalliance with dating sites as it gave me back a shred of self confidence

I'd rethink this. So, you need the admiration of others to feel good about yourself? Are you in IC?

I'm not in IC.it was 4 years ago and yes I was sad and pathetic at the time, just after my world had come crashing down. You may not approve of what I did but I don't need patronising

Why? Have you had an affair before? It’s a vicious cycle.

My STBX had RAs if another man even dare look at me. He felt confident that I would never have an RA and I never have and never intend to.

HE WENT LOW... I LEFT

I will never sacrifice my soul for him again 🙏🏼

Meh. Just divorce her, and THEN have the best sex of your life with someone else. It's been cathartic for me. I should thank my ex for setting me free to experience this. (No, I have not rubbed it in. He has no clue).

I don't think a revenge affair would make you "even." You would be stooping to her level. Plus you will feel bad.

Fooled, pretty sure that guy turned out to be a fake troll. S/he was pretending to be at least 2 different people on here. Everything "he" posted was a lie.