SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm really struggling trying to understand my WS. I know trying to figure her out is a waste of my time. But while we're locked up together on lockdown I have to deal with her. It just doesn't make sense to me.

She chose to cheat. Now she's a mess. Crying and sad all the time. I just don't get it. It's not like was hypnotized. She's smart. She knew what she was doing. Through her own history she knew the aftermath of infidelity. She willfully made the decision and all the thousands of little decisions along the way of the last two years. Why the tears now?

From reading all your previous threads I suspect the tears are for her. Getting caught and consequences. Not you.

Unless somethings changed?

Previously you were still getting trickle truth, her not doing the work, etc.

How’d the polygraph come out?

[This message edited by Marz at 12:52 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

BD19,

Now she's a mess. Crying and sad all the time.

She might be crying at the destruction she has wrought, but it is still about her. She is not thinking about how she can help heal the rift she caused.

She is crying for HER loss. It is still all about HER, not you, not the family, not the M.

Basically, she is still stuck in a victim mode of thinking, throwing a pity party for herself.

She may have realized her “easy” life is over.

She may be crying b/c the Affair is over and she’s heartbroken the AP ended it.

She may be crying b/c she knows she financially will struggle.

Point is - stop trying to figure her out. It’s a waste of your time and energy.

Edited to add: I spent 6 months during my H’s Affair being kind, loving and supportive. He was cold, nasty and planning to D me.

The day I decided I had to start putting myself first was the day I became free of his problems and drama. I stopped allowing myself to be a part of his game and manipulative behavior.

It was the day I took back the control if my life. He was removed from having any ability to have any say in my life. He was told to leave. He was told how things were going to be.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:15 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

Seems like she misses her AP? Or her life with having an AP.

You keep taking about ending things. About possibly moving forward with D. Is trying for R working for you? Is she making it easy for you? Is she setting an environment for you to heal from her hurtful choices? Showing you that she understands the pain she caused you?

If you can’t answer yes to those questions, why don’t you change your approach? I’m all for R, even encourage it, but not with a WS who is NOT all in on focusing on her BH’s pain more than her own.

So, At some point why don’t you say to her:

Then start to follow that path on your own. I can tell the approach you are taking is not giving you satisfactory results so why not try a different way. Stop trying. If she’s going to lead this recovery then you have to give her the chance to do so. If she decides she needs to fight for the man she loves, then great, let her show you.

And if she doesn’t, then that tells you a lot. It shows you that you are truly making the right choice to move on and find happiness.

Communicating exactly what you need to see to stay, and then moving on until you see it is truly the only way to go as a BH. It’s being honest. You are not the one who destroyed things. You therefore cannot be the one to lead the rebuilding. So stop trying to do her work for her. I know it’s hard. But unfortunately there is no other way to rebuild a marriage taken down by infidelity.

If she does it, you can find love again in the pride that she did that work for you and your family. And if she doesn’t, then you’re able to move on and not live a life based on a false foundation.

Please think about it. I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:08 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

brokendad19

I'm really struggling trying to understand my WS. I know trying to figure her out is a waste of my time. But while we're locked up together on lockdown I have to deal with her. It just doesn't make sense to me.

She chose to cheat. Now she's a mess. Crying and sad all the time. I just don't get it. It's not like was hypnotized. She's smart. She knew what she was doing. Through her own history she knew the aftermath of infidelity. She willfully made the decision and all the thousands of little decisions along the way of the last two years. Why the tears now?

Mine did the same thing. She apparently didn't understand that I would be upset by everything. How can she play the victim if someone else is upset about her actions? I would bet $100 that your WW somehow denies responsibility. Mine said it 'was like an addiction', for instance.

She knew what infidelity was. She knew the actions she was taking would hurt you. She did them anyway and felt better about herself when she did them. Think about that. How on Earth can someone do that to someone else?

I think TheLostOne is one the right track.

Somehow, your WW is the victim in all of this. In HER mind she is truly suffering and it isn't her fault. How? Maybe her AP lied to her. Maybe by losing the AP she lost the love of her life.

As you said, if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out how your WW is thinking. WS's believe a lot of crazy things. It seems to me that they have to ignore logic in a lot of ways, so it is difficult for logical people to think like them.

Or... She knows she bombed her life out, let some other man use her like his personal prostitute, has demeaned herself in front of her family and friends, and now she's at the cusp of losing the one person (you) who actually cared enough to stick around and support her. The fragile house of cards she built has collapsed around her. She feels cheap and used and worthless. Yeah, it's all about her and her shitty choices and she knows it. She's angry at herself more than anyone else.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:40 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

You can probably get great perspective from WS's on these questions, too. They can't respond in this forum.

If you go to the "I Can Relate" forum, there is a thread titled "BS Questions for WS's" where you can ask specific questions.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:54 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

Thanks for all the replies. That's a great tip, okokok. I'll try there. It's all just so strange to me. It's been about 8 months from dday. I've made a lot of progress in my recovery. But she hasn't.

Just to update as it's been awhile since my last thread. There will be no R. WW has made it clear she doesn't want it. She says she thinks I'll never be able to trust her again. I think she's just a coward. Irregardless I can't force it. So I've just accepted it.

You can see she won’t even try. Her words you won’t be able to trust me again show you how LAZY she is. She’s not even going to try.

I can tell you I was very firm in my intent to D my H. Reconciliation was not on the table. But in 30 days he did enough (against all odds) to prove he “got it” and was willing to change.

He was working against the odds. He never gave up.

I’m sorry your wife doesn’t have it in her to do anything but cry and play victim. Please do not feel too sorry for her. I think Westway summed it up perfectly.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:26 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

She says she thinks I'll never be able to trust her again.

Ahh, the subtle blame-shifting. The problem is a shortcoming of yours, see? Not even her fault.

Yeah, remorseful WS's putting the effort in don't really talk like that.

Irregardless I can't force it. So I've just accepted it.

Curious what that looks like. How are you moving forward from here? I recognize the lockdown complicates everything.

^^^This!!!

I was just about to write the same thing.

Sounds like a personality disorder. Many cheaters are disordered. It is just a label, but, in essence, they lack empathy and integrity.

You will go nuts trying to figure out a cheater. My XWw became a mess, too, when I moved on. Nevertheless, like yours, she did nothing to fix the mess she made.

The same reason a kid who gets caught stealing a piece of candy cries.

Of course you won't trust her again, maybe someday but not for a long time. But it makes her a victim so it's easier for her give up.

"Hey I tried but he didn't trust me" she will tell her friends. Your fault.

For two or more years she has been the queen of the rodeo. She had you at home taking care of the home things and had the AP taking care of her sexual desires. I don't know if you were also doing that, but in her mind she is so desirable she has two men who want her.

But now if the OM is out of the picture and you are looking at a divorce, she has no man (for now) and boo-hoo. Neither of you want her.

Before: She was maybe 75% happy with the marriage, add in the affair which added 30% more fun and excitement . She is topping out a 105% happiness.

After: She is now looking at maybe 35% happy with the marriage because you are not interacting with her anymore and 0% affair because they broke up.

She will be feeling sorry for herself for a while until reality hits her which may be in 3 months or 3 years...or never.

brokendad19

There will be no R. WW has made it clear she doesn't want it

Okay. Sometimes that happens. She, just like you, has the right to make this determination.

She says she thinks I'll never be able to trust her again

If you have stated that you are done then that's one thing, but if you haven't, and she is using this as the reason she doesn't want to try then that is nothing but her projection of herself on you.

Just to update as it's been awhile since my last thread. There will be no R. WW has made it clear she doesn't want it. She says she thinks I'll never be able to trust her again.

What it really is, is that she would have to put aside her pride and work on being contrite. One big hurdle I see that a lot of waywards have trouble getting over their pride. They have this false vision of themselves that they would have to suppress in order to humble themselves enough do the work of showing their BSs that they want to rebuild the relationship.

Selfishness is the big destroyer.

There will be no R. WW has made it clear she doesn't want it. She says she thinks I'll never be able to trust her again.

She wants out but wants it to be your fault.

Selfishness is the big destroyer

So is being a coward and not even trying to correct your mistakes.