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My wife has been working at a company for a little over a year. Person X is the GM and used to be her boss but now she reports directly to owners after a promotion. She isn’t really required to go into the office constantly but she still does. Prior to pandemic she spent a lot of time with Person X getting lunch and having beers. She always claims they’re working. Whenever there is a late night event they go to she’d get drunk every time and refuse to come home even though I’m watching our toddler and have to wake up at 4am for work. Last time she did this she claimed she had a meeting up at the brewery at 4 and she didn’t come home until 9 and claimed she was leading a meeting the whole time and then admitted later she was just drinking. She accidentally texted me “thx for drinking with me” and claimed it was meant for a female coworker she was splitting a drink with. Now that it is closed she goes and claims they all drink in the office (which I have a hard time believing is okay with her employee) and they all go have a beer at the second unit sometimes. Yesterday she claimed she was hanging out and working their with the female employee she had mentioned she texted before. Later admitting the “production staff” including Person X came over. She didn’t leave until after I called her at 7pm. That night I fell asleep early and got off the couch to go to bed. She was clutching her phone against her chest and I went to put it on her night stand and in her sleep she woke up opened the text messages quickly tried to hide it by looking at the weather and fell asleep. I saw a message to Person X saying nighty night babe. I looked through the proceeding conversation and she was rambling about telling him a secret about watching gone with the wind every week (which she doesnt) and asking if he was awakey ending with nighty night babe at 11:30 pm. I really dont mind her having a beer at work every now and then but on what planet is it okay to text your single male coworker random drunk thoughts at 11 and calling him Babe? In a previous message he has called her “dear” but I didn’t see much else because I was so pissed I woke her up immediately. I texted him why is my wife calling you babe and she screamed I was getting her fired. The next morning I asked her to call him on speaker with me on silent because I wanted to know what he would say. She refused and went to a hotel. Now she is saying she is going to her parent’s where my kid is currently. This is not the first time she has done sketchy things claiming she doesn’t remember or doesn’t know. She says apparently Person X calls everyone dear at work and she calls everyone Babe. Bullshit right? Please advise.

You are getting gaslighted BIG TIME.

Best case she's in an emotional affair (EA).

Unfortunately, best cases are rarely the case around here.

You need to investigate. Go over the phone bill and check her calls and texts. If she's truly involved with him, his number will be all over the place.

What she is doing is wrong and constitutes cheating, but I suggest you prepare for her subterfuge by investigating.

Next time you see her, get her phone and immediately download the program Fonelab.

Use it to run a recovery on your wife's phone to recover any deleted text, photos, videos and more. You can also create a complete history of her texting with him.

If she backs up her phone on her computer, while she is off cheating with him, (That's what she is doing right now when she left in a huff) you might be able to use Fonelab to recover messages etc. from her backups.

If you can access her iCloud, you can also check that to see if her messages, photos and more are backed up there.

Can you access any email accounts? Also phone records from her mobile provider's online dashboard will be a trove of information.

***

No matter what you find her behavior at least crosses serious relationship boundaries, and is wholly inappropriate.

My guess is she is at least in a full-blown emotional affair and most likely a physical affair.

I'm on my phone so others will fill in the correct course if action, but the summary is seek legal counsel, prepare divorce papers, expose her behavior, demand she cut all contact with this man even if she has to quit her job, demand total transparency and a timeline that can be verified by a polygraph if you wish, do not accept any blame whatsoever, and if you wish, put in place measures to monitor and verify her behavior and actions (we can fill in more later).

Detach from her emotionally because she needs to know you don't need her to live your life. Accept no less than total and utter contrition.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:25 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Sorry you are here. I agree you are being gaslighted. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Her running to a hotel is highly suspicious. There are numerous red flags here warning of your WW being in an active A. You have received good advice. Read in the healing library. Get tested for STD’s. Do not have sex with her until she has a clean bill of health. See an attorney to learn your rights. Always value yourself. If the OM she is texting has a W or gf inform her of the inappropriate texting. Protect your finances. Read and implement the 180 to help you to detach. Good luck.

Read your post and pretend it was a friend asking you what you thought if this was his situation.

Sorry man but you are being had.

Based on what you posted she's at least being deceptive and on an EA (very likely a PA since they work together), plus when confronted she took off and went to a hotel, what type of reaction is that ? I would go see her and tell her she's got 10 seconds to show me her unlocked phone, if she refuses tell her it means D, btw under NO circumstances allow your W to go have drinks often after work without you, if you're not invited then she's not invited, now you could decline and still allow her to go but that's a lot different, after reading hundreds maybe thousands of stories like that, Nothing good comes from it, no GNOs or trips together with the "girls", and no that's not being insecured, that's simply minimizing risks, plus she should not have any problems with you being there.

Get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and hide it in her car under the seat with velcro, you can get one online or in Walmart or Best Buy, play with it to learn how to use it, mute any sounds and put black tape on any lights it may have. But again if she refuses to give you her unlocked phone, tell her it means D, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, and don't let her play the "it's my privacy" card, there's no "my privacy" in a M other than toilet time, once you tie the knot it becomes "our privacy".

Whenever there is a late night event they go to she’d get drunk every time and refuse to come home even though I’m watching our toddler and have to wake up at 4am for work. Last time she did this she claimed she had a meeting up at the brewery at 4 and she didn’t come home until 9 and claimed she was leading a meeting the whole time and then admitted later she was just drinking.

Wow. So much to unpack here. I mean, in a general sense, I'd start with... your wife has a bit of a drinking problem if she's impacting you going to work (as she clearly did in this example) because she is staying out drinking with "Friends" literally until the next morning. RED FLAG 1.

She accidentally texted me “thx for drinking with me” and claimed it was meant for a female coworker she was splitting a drink with. Now that it is closed she goes and claims they all drink in the office (which I have a hard time believing is okay with her employee) and they all go have a beer at the second unit sometimes. Yesterday she claimed she was hanging out and working their with the female employee she had mentioned she texted before

Simple test of this. What does the Female employee say? Don't let her know you asked her, just ask the employee out of the blue.. like, hey, did my wife leave her watch with you the other night? Or something like that. If she says "What other night?".. ohhh busted.

on what planet is it okay to text your single male coworker random drunk thoughts at 11 and calling him Babe?

That one is not so obvious. There's a woman in my office that uses "Babe" sarcastically often. I would never misconstrue her intent, because that's based on verbal cues. Never something she'd text, however. So, um... gonna say no, there's no planet where that could be misconstrued for what it was.. A term of endearment.

In a previous message he has called her “dear” but I didn’t see much else because I was so pissed I woke her up immediately. I texted him why is my wife calling you babe and she screamed I was getting her fired.

Interesting. Very direct. Did he respond at all? Her reaction is defensive in nature.. for herself or him?

The next morning I asked her to call him on speaker with me on silent because I wanted to know what he would say. She refused and went to a hotel.

Well, now you know where her priorities lie, and they aren't with your marriage or protecting her good reputation. I mean, such as it is.

Recommendations. I'd probably go the surveillance route. I hate to say it but your "evidence" is only sketchy. It isn't definitive. You didn't really catch them in the act except making very inappropriate texts and most of that, I'm sorry to say, is on your wife. Using "Dear" isn't going to come off as sexting, really. It's kind of old-fashioned. You'll need better proof than this. Suggestions: GPS on the phone, VAR in the car and VAR at the house. You can get that stuff delivered from Amazon. Rigidly adopt that 180 Method (see the Healing library). This is the situation where it is most effective-- when you suspect your partner is stepping out on you. Don't reward her behaviors. Come up with a set of firm boundaries for what you will or wont' stand for and don't break them.

For God's sake, she might need to check into an AA meeting if she has a repeat history of booze-laden incidents like this.

Sorry man but you are being had.

Yep, and not exactly by a skilled operator, either.

First: sorry you're here. Be sure to read everything in the Healing Library (on the left). There are also pinned posts at the top of this forum. Read everything there, too.

Second: you have a toddler, and right now, you are *the* safe, stable parent in your household. I'm not sure how aware you are of that yet, but you need to begin wrapping your head around it. If for no other reason than because your kid needs you to be strong.

This means: no drinking, first and foremost. At the very least, NEVER drink to excess. This is not the time for that. Make sure you're getting enough water and take care of yourself.

~

She says apparently Person X calls everyone dear at work and she calls everyone Babe. Bullshit right? Please advise.

I kid you not, I knew a mile ahead of you typing this out that this would be what your wife would tell you. This is why, in a perfect world, you would have come here first and been advised *not* to confront her about that text. Obviously we're not in a perfect-world scenario, and it makes 100% sense that you confronted her.

Another thing you'd be wise to start recognizing ASAP is that, in the world of infidelity (ugh, welcome), everyone tends to follow a pattern that's been seen over and over and over again. WS's (wayward spouses) all say and do the same things, AP's (affair partners) all say and do the same things, and even BS's (betrayed spouses) all say and do the same things, at least at first.

This means a couple things for you:

1) Your situation is really not very unique at all. In fact, the coworker affair is probably the most run-of-the-mill affair story we read about on here. My ex-wife's affair was with a coworker, too.

2) The people here have an *incredible* amount of experience and insight into how to get you out of this infidelity situation. Often, we can tell you with 99% precision exactly what's going to happen next, if you give us enough info.

However, here's the tricky part: remember that pattern I mentioned above? You have one, too. All BS's do. Everyone posting here followed the basic just-found-out pattern, including me.

The path out of this shitstorm often feels extremely *unintuitive* and *wrong* to a freshly-betrayed person. I get it. It may take you a few days (or more) to really wrap your head around just what you need to do in order to have a chance at achieving whatever goal you currently have.

And what is that goal? There are only three possible goals, actually. They are:

1) Reconcile with your wife. This will take a lot of work, and it's not something you can do by yourself (your wife needs to come with you), but there are steps you can begin taking today to give you at least a chance at that. There are many happily-reconciled former BS's here.

2) Divorce your wife. This takes less work, but is generally the scariest option for a new BS. You can do this all by yourself, and there are steps you can begin taking today that will put you on that path. There are many happily-divorced former BS's here.

3) Do nothing, really. Sweep it under the rug, so to speak. Hope for the best, but probably share your wife from time to time. She'll see her boyfriend daily at work. Maybe you can overlook that. In this scenario, you don't have to even make another post here.

Real question: which one of these sounds good to you, and when do you want to get started? And what do you think you need to *do* to get started?

Don't fool yourself into thinking there's a fourth option. There isn't.

~

Start here: recognize that as long as your wife is out of the house, she's in constant communication and/or contact with her boyfriend, and whether you want to believe it or not, they are making plans without your knowledge. They are figuring out how to protect themselves and throw you under the bus if they have to to save their jobs and their relationship.

So what do you want to do, and when do you want to get started? What support to you need?

I am not kidding: the people here can work through this with you step by step, no matter which path you end up taking.

Ask her to prove that she went to a hotel, that should be easy.

I am afraid the she is well into an affair with the boss.

and...where does she go on these nights.

Whenever there is a late night event they go to she’d get drunk every time and refuse to come home even though I’m watching our toddler and have to wake up at 4am for work

.

To clarify, when I said she refuses to come home I mean she refuses to come home when she says she’ll be home. I’ll call her after an hour or two and she will tell me she’ll be leaving in fifteen minutes, I call her an hour later-same thing, hour later- same thing. Then she screams that this is her job and she is in a meeting (which she admitted she wasn’t). Or she’ll be at like an evening public conference social type event and she’ll do the same. Always comes back trashed claiming she had two drinks everytime and always eventually admits it was more when her stories don’t add up. Once she was going out to dinner after work with her other coworker (female) and when I called her she would only tell me she was with the coworker and “some people”. Turned out they had incited these two ghetto looking dudes who claimed to own a fake company to dinner and I found pictures of her basically grinding on them at the event. Anyway she says they didn’t show up. The “some people” sketchyness is the problem. I mean this is just one example but you get the idea.

Her phone is company phone so can’t see bill but they work closely so wouldn’t prove much anyway. I know she stayed at the hotel because she gave me room access and number and i called it through the hotel and it connected.

She just flew to her parents where are son is currently because she says he’s sick. I sent the original screenshots to her father who won’t speak to me because she has a similar type thing with his friend where she got drunk and passed out in his bed and he texted her thanks for the cuddles the next morning. He also bought her massages and a plane ticket to see her parents and right before she left (even though I was uncomfortable with it) she broke her phone and she turned it off when I took it to get repaired. I had to turn it back on and he was telling her she needed a spanking for telling her parents she was coming instead of surprising them because he wanted to spoil her for a night. I chewed him out and they chose to be friends with him and shut me off. She even still went down there and the next day called drunk to tell me her mom saw nothing wrong with it and she’s going to see him anyway. Anyway a lot of stuff ensued. But her parents pretend I don’t exist now and once even threatened to call the cops on me for murder because W didn’t answer texts for four hours while she was working (genetic lunacy, grandmother once institutionalized).

But anyway. That is just one more fucked up thing she has done for context. I told her if she wants to continue our relationship I am going to install software on her phone to see all her deleted texts and calls.

And yes, she has a severe alcohol problem. I told her to stop drinking at work a week before this when three ciders disappeared from when I talked her when she was at the liquor store during work hours. She claims they just all freely drink there. When we first met she put herself in the hospital three times for pancreatitis. A month ago we were on vacation and she drank an entire bottle of tequila while I was in the shower after we’d been drinking all day. I had to drag her to the room after she passed out at the restaurant table. She used to get drunk and throw herself down the stairs on multiple occasions. When we first got together i’dn try to break up with her and she’d cut herself to make me stay.

I could go on and on. But my question is this. If i run the software and I find nothing explicit is that absolute proof? Or did she just fuck up by texting him the one time because she was drunk and they just keep it at work?

IMO you don’t need anymore proof. You only need proof enough for you.

Sorry you’re here. I don’t think you’re that naive but you sure have some denial going on.

Tay202020:

I am very sorry you are going through this. I don’t care what you find or don’t find on her phone. Step back and look at what you described of your WW’s behavior. She is broken, a mess, and toxic. Her parents are toxic. Does any of her behavior resemble a devoted and committed W and mother? You know the answer. Your son needs one stable parent. Your WW needs to get into AA or detox, and serious therapy. Look at all of her dysfunctional behavior. You are constantly having to call her and act as the M police! Yuck! This is no way to live.

Always value yourself. Set your boundaries. Get your son back home. See an attorney and file for D, and have her served. It is a long shot but it may snap her back to reality. If not you are getting out of this nightmare. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:13 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Infidelity aside your WW has an alcoholism problem and based on what you posted she's allowed to drink while on the job and she won't stop going out to have drinks after work, she doesn't take you seriously, plus she doesn't want to give up her phone, OM and much less her job, which means she will keep drinking and will possibly eventually drink herself to death or suffer major health problems or an accident because of it, based on that alone I suggest you dump her and file for D, get rid of her and the toxic in-laws.

Remember you DON'T need anymore proof or a reason at all to file for D but if you insist in trying to R and need more proof then get a VAR (or 2) and a GPS tracker (an old phone with an app could work) and gather more evidence.

Probably should be clear. I say wife because we have a kid together but we have not legally married and have been engaged for 4 years. We were actually planning to file legally this month.

Just advice from a stranger, don’t get married to her. See an attorney and set up a custody agreement and financial separation. Get a stipulation about drugs and alcohol while she has your son. You deserve better and so does your son.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:43 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Probably should be clear. I say wife because we have a kid together but we have not legally married and have been engaged for 4 years. We were actually planning to file legally this month.

This does matter. I agree with advice to speak to a lawyer asap. Seriously. Your partner has left on a plane and your kid is out of state...she could so easily tell someone you've been "harassing" her or "abusing" her or "stalking" her by looking at her phone...and a work phone no less. We have seen this sort of thing before. BS suddenly ends up with a restraining order and supervised visits with his kid.

For all you know, she is already working with her parents, who don't seem to like you anyway, to speak to lawyers and file some kind of suit against you.

The fact that you're not even married probably puts you in an even shittier position here.

Based on everything you've shared, I'd be very concerned and proceed with extreme caution. Seriously.

She just flew to her parents where are son is currently because she says he’s sick. I sent the original screenshots to her father who won’t speak to me because she has a similar type thing with his friend where she got drunk and passed out in his bed and he texted her thanks for the cuddles the next morning. He also bought her massages and a plane ticket to see her parents and right before she left (even though I was uncomfortable with it)

Whoah.. wait the actual fuck, what? The SHE in there is your wife? And her parents supported this? Oh come ON, man, you should have led with that one.

Yeah. She's cheating on you. Booze or no booze. Her parents enable it. I bet they are heavy drinkers as well, right?

The bit about not speaking to you? Why is that? Did they ever say?

she broke her phone and she turned it off when I took it to get repaired. I had to turn it back on and he was telling her she needed a spanking for telling her parents she was coming instead of surprising them because he wanted to spoil her for a night. I chewed him out and they chose to be friends with him and shut me off.

Okay, just for a second and step back. Pretend you're just about anyone coming into this forum and read that, as a stranger to this story. How do you feel about that outcome? Are you getting a warm and fuzzy about your wife yet? Because, brother, you're living with a serial unapologetic cheater. As Okokok says, there's only three ways out of infidelity: Reconciliation, Divorce and Sweeping it under the rug. I suspect you've been living with option 3 for a long time now, and your sense of outrage is finally catching up with you. There's no shame in that. I've done all three out of order myself-- rug swept, confronted, tried to reconcile and divorced. All of them not particularly handled well, but I didn't know about SI.com back then. So you have my empathy and the empathy of everyone in the room, but at the end of the day, we're just a bunch of internet people. You're going to have to make the call. How do you see your life ahead of you, being as you are right now? In five years? in Ten years? When you are retired? Will this life be something you can live with for the long haul? Ask yourself when you are looking at your face in the mirror tomorrow.

In the meantime there's stuff you SHOULD do, no matter what choice you make. STI/STD checks. Protecting your money, Stop drinking yourself. Fix this situation with your son, WHY is he at your parents? He's sick.. why and how? Right now your'e the stable parent. Your inlaws may hate your guts but you are still that child's father and they had better not be an obstacle to that.

Have you confronted the older guy's wife yet? You have ZERO conclusive evidence that an affair is happening but yeah, something really inappropriate is going on. I'd call HR on this as well. This level of drunkenness isn't acceptable and it damned sure isn't their corporate culture, I don't care what she says. A company that drinks like she SAYS it does wouldn't last a year.

I strongly suspect your wife is an alcoholic. I come from a long line of Irish drunks and believe me, I know what I'm saying. Drinking at work? Lying about the work culture? Drinking alone? Drinking until she passes out? You KNOW these are very unhealthy behaviors. She needs to get into a substance abuse program before she spirals totally out of control. You know she's heading there.

We get it with the "refuses to come home". She wants to party.

But anyway. That is just one more fucked up thing she has done for context. I told her if she wants to continue our relationship I am going to install software on her phone to see all her deleted texts and calls.

Normally I would say this is a huge error, but in this case, you need to just cut ties with your wife. You been with her for many years, you have a child, to me she is your wife, even though you aren't married.

But in this case, your not being married might be a huge advantage for you!

I don't really see what there is to save here. This woman is a complete mess and she will not get less messy, and why do you want to stick around to clean her up anyway? She is cheating on you, multiple times, with different people, and all different kinds of infidelity. Her parents are nutty scumbags.

Forget you. Think about your kid. You need to extricate him from her influence as much and as quickly as you can.

Get evidence yes. But the evidence needs to be for court proceedings in your custody case, not proving she is being unfaithful. Throwing herself down stairs? Cutting?

She is dangerous. Get out.

She has a drinking problem. Huge problem.

Do not allow her to drive your child anywhere. She sounds drunk 24/7.

Get a lawyer. Get a custody agreement in place. Now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:20 AM, May 4th (Monday)]