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Signing up and following thru with the poly are 2 things. Let's hope she does the test.

Even if I decide all this shit is enough, but I I mean signing up for a polygraph seems pretty serious.

I guess I'm a lone dissenter about polygraphs, but my attitude is if you have to submit yourself to humiliation of asking your spouse take a polygraph then what is the point of staying married? If I have to treat my spouse like a crime suspect then that person is not fit to be married to me. That's just my feelings. Any marriage, even happy marriages, are hard enough to make work without having to go through all this stupid bullshit.

But you do what you need to do friend. If having her take a poly will bring you some piece then by all means...

But this should be the final humiliation you subject yourself to.

Thank you. I and am protecting myself and basically preparing for separation no matter what but it really seems like she is putting the effort in this time. She is being sent to intensive therapy designed for ptsd from the abuse she has suffered

from her mother.Called EMDR. Looks promising and very scientific. But I would really like some input on the polygraph thing. Converus. What if she passes?

And again, we are not married. Just trying to do what is best for my son.

And yes, it does sicken me but I just mentioned it. Didn’t demand. She offered because she wants to regain my trust. I mean I’ve taken sleeping pills and thought about crazy shit too. That in itself is not unforgiveable.

Please also keep in mind her Mother has always hated me

for no reason and she is going into intensive psychotherapy to fix her problems related to that abusive relationship. If she is mentally addicted to pleasing her mother itd make sense that she’d have a drive to flirt with other men when her impulses

are compromised. Just reading about high success rate of therapy.

I mean the last guy she had flirty exchanges with is a 60 year old man and her parents’ best friend (one of the reasons they hate me). That is clearly a symptom of a fucked up parental relationship.

I am not trying to be narcissist but I am in my lower 30s, in very good shape, and am generally considered attractive with a healthy libido. I understand that doesnt matter and this happens to everyone but just wanted to provide context for 60 year old man comment.

I mean the last guy she had flirty exchanges with is a 60 year old man and her parents’ best friend (one of the reasons they hate me). That is clearly a symptom of a fucked up parental relationship.

SO what?

Similar to the way Westway objects to polygraphs, I am not as concerned with "her whys".

I am much more concerned with "her whats".

This is not to say why she does what she does has no importance, but in the end, it's what she does that hurts you. And her child. And her self.

I forgot you weren't married to her. I would say then that you should not marry her. Share custody of the kid, but don't marry. Any future with her is going to be extremely risky with her alcoholism and other issues. You'll probably end up with full custody of the child down the line after she has been busted for a couple DUIs anyway.

[This message edited by Westway at 6:36 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

Tay,

You are in a relationship with a very toxic partner and her very toxic family.

You want to do what is best for your son? REMOVE THESE PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE UNTIL THEY HAVE MADE THEMSELVES SAFE FOR YOU AND YOUR SON. PERIOD.

You are waiting, expecting, for them to change upon their own volition. But then you are setting up your lives (for you and your son) as if they have already done that work.

This is not something that can happen over night. Not even in a week or so. This is something that takes at LEAST 90 days, probably many months more, to fully realize.

Her simply saying she will commit is garbage. Promises aren't worth a thing around here. Consistent actions. In her case, she needs to commit to and COMPLETE a full 90 days of rehab FOR STARTERS. Then you can decide what to do next.

I felt no humiliation in requiring my XWW take a poly. My XWW felt great humiliation in taking one. I needed some assurances to answers to some questions I had of her. She'd been lying so much I didn't know if she still was for those particular questions.

I'm not going to repeat "what they said" and make you feel like we're piling on you. I agree with the consensus that you shouldn't even consider marrying this woman. I do want to repeat the core fact that this is a "she's a drunk" problem way more that it's a "she's a toxic cheater" problem. Not that it excuses anything. She has to know this, you must communicate that there are no guarantees in life. If you don't trust her , you don't trust her. I surely wouldn't. Not with a child whose health and safety is your mutual responsibility. You're a good guy and you want what is best here, I see that. Nobody's saying to hate her or humiliate her, but I would be very cautious about any long term commitments.

I mean the last guy she had flirty exchanges with is a 60 year old man and her parents’ best friend (one of the reasons they hate me). That is clearly a symptom of a fucked up parental relationship.

Pardon me for digressing. I read that the first time and my reaction was "wait, WTF?? seriously??" Can you explain why their parents "hate" you for objecting to this? Why wouldn't THEY be objecting? Do they, somehow, want their 20-ish?? daughter to be hooking up with their buddy? You know what that looks like, right? That's just... weird.

I don’t even know. She passed out drunk in his bed after their parents anniversary (at his lakehouse). They have been neighbors since she was a child.

He texted her “thanks for the cuddles” (she once told me her family calls sex special cuddles which is somehow how he explained to her father they didnt have sex). I think I said this earlier about right before flying down there on his dime to supposedly see her parents (I told her I was uncomfortable with him paying and I would myself). Anyway found a text from him saying you need a spanking because she told her parents she was coming and he wanted to spoil her. Told him to stay away from my family and we talked and he said he was just teasing and he talks to his daughter like that. So I go off on him. My fiance goes anyway and i tell her not to go to his place or see him. She calls me drunk the next day saying she’s going anyway because her mother said it is ok and nothing looked inappropriate and the guy had called her parents to “get ahead of it” and refused to talk to me. I had no desire to tell her parents but he involved them and used her Dad as a middle man to explain what happened and my fiance maintained she didnt remember. Also none of them could tell me where my son was during all this. They accuse me of being on drugs when im asking them to check on our son because fiance is throwing up drunk with me on the phone. They tell me she had one glass and i go off on them. Wont talk to me since. But yah they also shortly after threatened to accuse me of murder because fiance didnt answer texts for 4 hours. If you see above where I talk about texting her mother she was demanding I apologize to their friend his family and their whole family over zoom. Also apparently this guy (recently divorced) kisses all women he meets on the mouth of their SO isnt present. I talked to my fiances best friend who told me this is true and he is creepy and she wouldnt let him around her kids. He also told her she can do better than me. He constantly has groups of his daughters friends and young girls at his lake house. No he is not good looking. Sidenote, when my fiance was young this guys stepson apparently was caught watching her in the shower through a skylight or something. Their two families had a big meeting about it and they had the kid shipped off to some camp in the middle of the night. A lot if me suspects that was actually him. I told my father I was in redneck hell when all this started unfolding.

Long story short they sided with him. I’m not allowed to see, call or talk to them. Spend a lot of holiday time alone now because they would fly up and have holidays at her brothers house while I stayed at home by myself. I don’t know. Her family dynamic is creepy. Her mom and her brother (a bisexual former transient who does his hair like her) have this weird relationship where they would have “dates” and go ballroom dancing. This is the guy who called me stupid and ignorant once and tried to blockade me from my son because I would t hug him. He also thinks he is a DJ, prophet, and humans live to 300 years old with just sunlight. He would say this shit around their family and NO ONE said shit. Its crazy.

[This message edited by TAY202020 at 5:30 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Update on fiances progress though. Pretty pleasant. Hasn’t drank. Has only been in the office for an hour for one meeting. Taking therapy seriously. Her mom flew up last week on her rich uncles private plane because her crazy brother is having a kid . She didn’t even go see them. Recognizes her mother is main problem and starting EMDR therapy to get control if her lying. For context her mother is a trophy mom who has a nanny raise her kids. Family used to be rich (supposedly) but I think it was all given to them by her uncle. She went to a 30,000 a year private school for kids with learning disabilities. I mean smells like affluenza as well.

On the polygraph subject. Has anyone ever gotten a result and it was denied by the WS? I know they are not 100% and I’m worries if she has a personality disorder she might trick it.

I felt no humiliation in requiring my XWW take a poly. My XWW felt great humiliation in taking one. I needed some assurances to answers to some questions I had of her. She'd been lying so much I didn't know if she still was for those particular questions.

I get your stance, but my feeling is that as a husband I should not have to play cop to my wife's perp. If it comes to the point where you have lost so much trust in your spouse, then the spouse is no longer fit to be a partner. JMO.

Please, please, please do everything you can to get sole custody of your son. Hire the meanest shark lawyer you can find, someone who will take the child's mom on the stand and rip her apart in front of the court.

You will never forgive yourself if you don't. Do you want your child raised by these maniacs?

Do you want your child raised by these maniacs?

Gotta agree with Westway here. Try to get your child away from them or one day you will look up and realize your child is just like them. Break that chain.

Echoing Westway’s comment, it is imperative for your child’s safety that you get the sharpest attorney you can.

With the amount of dysfunction at play, you will have a very strong hand in shaping exactly how limited your child’s interactions with their mother are.

The court will most likely appoint a guardian ad litem to determine what’s best for the child. He or she will investigate the potential living situations for both parents.

If there is a rich uncle who can theoretically throw vast resources at court proceedings, make sure you document everything. I hope you have a voice recorder. Save every text. Every voicemail. Write up every interaction with your fiancé and her family soon after it happens.

You can research the family friend (sometimes criminal history or complaints are publicly available). Google has more than you think. Also gather as much info from her phone and computer as possible. Locations, times, and track where she said she was against what she told you. You can use this to say “fiancé told me she was with x person on this date but she was really with y. Where was my child?

Document the falling down the stairs thing. You know this family will alienate your child from you so be prepared!! Keep all this information in a safe location. If computer a cloud backup and if physical paper, have copies and where she can’t find it. Hope for the best with her rehab but you have to be realistic. Your child’s safety is paramount.