SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BV can happen naturally but it can also happen repeatedly in cases of infidelity. Sometimes a BW keeps getting BV because of sharing her WH with an AP. In your case it could be because an OM was also sleeping with his BW/GF/whatever around the times he was with your WW. It's too much of a coincidence that she got BV every time she went to her parent's house.

Cheaters hate exposure. She's running from everyone as well as herself.

So she was screwing the other man and knows that the lie-detector will reveal the truth. I'm happy that you have your freedom now. Make the most of it. Make yourself more successful and happy than you've ever been before. You're the prize. Take care of yourself.

TAY, I'm slowly working my way through your thread and just read Bigger's post. I think he is pretty spot on of what he had to say.

"Alcoholism is a lethal disease. Untreated it will shorten the life of the alcoholic and/or eventually kill him. On the way to that death it will impact the life and the life of those around the alcoholic in a negative, burdening way."

I agree so much of what he had to say. I'm going to read through the thread before I comment any futher.

This comment below, by Bigger hit so close to home for me today. Also, as I read through your thread, I had to stop reading for awhile because I couldn't quit crying. You live the life I lived for a very long time; chaos, uncertainty, hurt, emotional pain, my WH infidelity and unfaithfulness seeing him drunk and emotionally abusive, just a complete, mean jerk when he was drunk. Why would anyone want this??

My WH was only able to maintain his sobriety for 3 1/2 years before he was leared back into the bottle again. Not as intense as before but none the less, his addiction had it's evil grasp back onto his soul, he didn't do enough work on himself or enough counseling or even AA because didn't develop the tools to help to keep himself sobor. It's so sad because not only did he have to battle his addiction for so long, he succumbed to cancer only a month after he was diagnosed in February.

Biggers comment: Alcoholism is a lethal disease. Untreated it will shorten the life of the alcoholic and/or eventually kill him. On the way to that death it will impact the life and the life of those around the alcoholic in a negative, burdening way.

Please take your gf alcoholism seriously. Today, I hate calling alcoholism a disease. In my mind I think we victims use the term "disease" to justify the alcoholics actions. Alcoholism is an addiction, plain truth. And with addiction comes the worst behaviors of the addict and for some reason, codependency, we feel that we have to endure because alcoholism is a disease. And we become addicted to trying to get the addict to quit whatever it is that they are doing. It's a viscous cycle.

After what I've experienced, I'm not going to buy into that concept of alcoholism is a disease anymore because when I did, his disease (addiction) allowed me to make excuses for his rotten behavior because remember, it's a disease and in a sense, it's like telling us that he can't help it, as in the case his cancer was a disease, so we end up forgiving the unforgivable behavior. His disease (addiction) controlled my life for far too long. His disease (addiction) is partially the reason he is no longer with me today...

Honestly to me, addiction is the biggest obstacle for a person to have to want to overcome. Addiction is strong and evil and relentless. You don't really understand what addiction can do to not only the person who is addicted but to family also. Addiction can destroy and wipe out families. Addiction may already have its grasp on your son.

You are not that invested in this relationship. And another bonus is that you are not married. Your girlfriend will either struggle with and fight to stay stay sober for the rest of her life, or she will succumb to her alcohol addiction in the end and a lot of times, it means death

I don't care where your girlfriend is at in her sobriety...she's already let you down several times. Enough is enough. Let her go and figure her own life out, or not. Don't allow her to drag you and your son down anymore because she will, I promise you that she will if you continue to stay with her. I want you to understand that it doesn't matter what she says or does because addiction is currently her best friend and she will go back to her best friend-alcohol and living the dangerous lifestyle.

It will never be worth you making an effort to make things work as long as she chooses her best friend (alcohol) over you. But you also need to understand that this is her battle and if death doesn't catch her anytime soon, she won't quit this lifestyle until she is sick and tire of being sick and tired.

I wish you the best and hopefully before it is too late, you will quit making excuses about her disease and make you and your son top priority. Count your blessings if you are able to escape this relationship. If I were you, I also wouldn't date for awhile until you can figure out how you attracted someone like this. Have you thought about looking into Alanon?

Well, alcoholism is a disease because it is progressive. If the alcoholic doesn't choose to stop drinking, the alcoholics tolerance level builds up and then the alcoholic will need to drink larger amounts of alcohol to get the same good feeling effect. And the only way for the disease to stop progressing is the alcoholic needs to completely quit drinking. And sometimes when the alcoholism is severe, the alcoholic will need long term medical and psychological counseling and a 12 step program that they actually need to wor.

I understand that your gf is your son's mother but do you really want to continue down this path of uncertainty and in the end, it can be for nothing? Or you can have the option to leave her for good, get counseling, maybe go to Alanon and begin to heal yours and your son's lives? I would choose the later and easier path to

emotional health and happiness.

I decided to stay with my WH dispite his alcohol addiction. And we had some great times together. And I loved him deeply. But because of his unfaithful behaviors, I kept a wall up to him, I didn't trust him so much anymore.

The road can also be very rough, chaotic and hurtful because the alcohol changes their personalities, and a lot of times they aren't good changes. It took a solid at least 2 years before I was able to see the wonderful husband he used to be.

It really depends what you want to do with yours and her life together, or separate. But you also know that she may slip and drink. And with drinking, the personality changes come back, just like that.

Take your time and think about it...I get what you mean when you say that you would like some booze now and then but if you don't put it aside too, the chances of her getting and staying sober are less. The biggest problem is your gf alcoholism and emotional instability. Alcoholism creates a lot of problems for the alcoholic and the family members.

If she were to overcome this through lots of counseling, AA and AA women's group meetings (and you go to Alanon and do the work also), there may be a chance for the two of you to have a better future together. I came down hard on my WH when I gave him an ultimatum to follow these steps or lose me. He chose to give up drinking, September 20, 2015. If he would have continued down this path, maybe he would be alive today? I really don't know because cancer struck him and he also was keeping his drinking under control.

You get to choose your own destiny.

For several years after my son accepted that he was an alcoholic and started real recovery work, we had no alcohol in the house. We did it to support his recovery. Now that he's got a lot of sober time, we have the occasional bottle of wine. He's getting married in September and his fiancee's parents are having a bbq for them (fiancee is also an alcoholic) There won't brew any issues with guests having drinks. They are strong enough in their recovery, their 12 step friends will not mind.

It takes a long time and a lot of work to get there.

Alcoholism is a disease. It's progressive and deadly. Some addicts will use that as an excuse "I'm an addict, I couldn't help it!" That's a certain way to tell they are NOT in recovery. AA and its counterparts don't claim it as an excuse. It's a disease that WILL kill unless treated. At the same time, friends and family can understand that it's a disease but never, ever think it's their responsibility or in their power to cure it. An active addict may try to suck you in with that line, don't accept it.

Staying with an active addict will surely take years off your life, damage your kids and other family members. You can recognize that YOUR disease may be that you allow yourself to be treated this way. There isn't anything that tells me i have to stay in a situation that harms me and my kids.

It is a hard road travelled and they have to hit rock bottom to really start the hard yards of recovery.

Buffer

Just checking in on you. How are you doing today?

Long past due update.

Don’t remember where I left off. She moved out. We started to try to “coparent” while she went through treatment. So I was basically living at her place 5 days a week with our son and I had him at my house alone a couple days a week while she went out. She never stopped drinking. Pretty sure she quit rehab. Still texted her boss flirty things right next to me. I had a couple instances where I could tell she was drunk while watching our son and I would go get him and bring him home if I wasnt there (almost everytime she had him alone). She was inviting her coworker guy over at night constantly. Including on a night she was drunk and inviting me over at the same time and I went to bring my son home because she had him that night.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. She invites me over and asks if she can drink because she is having urges and only trusts herself with me. I stupidly agree because I knew she wont stop drinking anyway as long as she quits lying about it so if she is in a bad situation and makes a mistake she can call me to get our son. Atleast what I told myself. Anyway, she gets absolutely trashed on Saturday after I see her texting coworker flirty stuff and plans ect. I go to get our son and head home because she was too drunk to watch him. The rest is legal stuff so need to parse my words. I end up being dragged out of my house by 5 police in front of my son and put it isolation for 4 days with no phone call. She called the police two days later and said I never hurt either of them. But still being charged with a felony, child abuse, harassment, DV ect. Luckily CPS is on my side and I have him and have been working in custody.

Long story short- don’t be stupid. See what is in front of you and get out.

By the way, she was asking my mom (flew up) to get and watch my son before I was even out and I’ve had him

since. All the lawyers are very confused.

[This message edited by TAY202020 at 2:37 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

And she waited about a week after I got out of jail to have the guy over at her place.

I am completely broken right now. Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm sorry that happened.

Pay attention betrayed husbands. This is why why tell you to get a var, and carry it on you at all times.

TAY202020, protect you son at all cost

I stupidly agree because I knew she wont stop drinking anyway as long as she quits lying about it so if she is in a bad situation and makes a mistake she can call me to get our son. Atleast what I told myself. Anyway, she gets absolutely trashed on Saturday after I see her texting coworker flirty stuff and plans ect. I go to get our son and head home because she was too drunk to watch him. The rest is legal stuff so need to parse my words. I end up being dragged out of my house by 5 police in front of my son and put it isolation for 4 days with no phone call

But know a VAR and witnesses go a long way in protecting yourself.

1. Get a VAR and keep it in your pocket whenever around her. 2. Stop coddling and enabling her by always being available. 3. Stay away from her; she's already had your a$$ thrown in jail. She doesn't give a crap about you and she's ruining your reputation. Send someone else to get the kid.

I'm sorry about your situation. We've all overridden our heads at times but given what you're dealing with, this is a luxury that you don't have.

I wish the best for you.

Stay away from her;

Seek support from friends a d family.

If your lawyer is confused, maybe you need a new lawyer?

TAY as far as your child - if he is in her care and you suspect she's drunk/drinking/whatever, call the police and ask them to do a welfare check. Looks better on paper for you legally/custody-wise if there are police reports backing up your suspicions about her drinking and lack of fitness as a parent. I am so sorry - this has got to be so hard for you.

TAY, I absolutely feel for you. You can get through this.

From now on, wear a VAR. How many people told you your wife is dangerous? How many told you to wear a VAR?

You need to hard 180. Only talk to her about the kid and logistics. You need her out of your life. You need to have her lawyer speak to your lawyer more. You are in an absolutely shitty place.

If I'm not clear enough

VAR

Lawyer

Get a VAR, wear it at all times.

Get a lawyer, use the lawyer for all sorts of legal communication.

Wear a VAR, and get a lawyer.

Tay, read up on the 180 and follow it. DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Her). Leave communication open and pick up your kid if she asks but other than that DO NOT talk to her. Do not go see her and spend time with her. Get your kid and leave.

Get yourself a good IC. Reach out to all of your friends and family. Tell them everything if you have not already. Lean on them for support. Rally the troops of Team Tay. Don't feel guilty - your STBX does not need you to keep her dirty secrets for her. Your health and well being trumps her need to keep lying and hiding this mess from everyone else. Do everything your lawyer suggests. Do everything CPS suggests.

Document every single time she's drunk and you go get your kid. Every single one. If you have not submitted a calendar with dates and times you went to go get your kid because she was too drunk to care for them, whip out a calendar, go through your texts/calls to her, and write down each and every instance. Give a copy to your lawyer and to CPS. Writing down the date, time, and circumstance WILL be your best friend here and will prove how much time you parent vs how much time she chooses not to parent. Don't skip out on this.