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Although our relationship may never be fixed she may be able to fix herself as a parent if she works on her disease.

That is the hope - that she can get sober and live in recovery. But my point is that you have to be ok whether or not she gets sober. Just mho, but it doesn't seem like you're there yet. And that's ok, cus it takes what it takes to get to that point.

It is a great goal to be friends with your child's other parent if that's a possibility - so I am not saying don't be her friend. I am just saying, based on my own personal experience, that it seems to me like that's still a carrot you're trying to dangle to 'get her to be sober'. And my personal experience (which was hard earned through decades of being extremely codependent with my alcoholic) is that you can't 'get her to be sober' or stay sober, no matter what you do. For your sake and for the sake of your child, you can't hinge anything in your life on her sobriety. That is up to her, as is managing and dealing with her FOO and mental illness. And no amount of policing, cajoling, begging, ultimatuming, yelling, foot-stomping, friending, etc etc etc on your part makes any difference if she is not 150% IN on getting and staying sober and dealing with her issues. If she does it for any reason other than for herself, it will not stick long term.

Just my 0.02 - I just feel for your struggle cus I recognize a lot of my own past in your writing.

Trust me I’m listening. I guess playing my own devil’s advocate to ensure I’m doing the right thing because that is just how my mind works. I sincerely appreciate all the advice. For godsakes, I’m listening to a codependency therapy podcast. I am NOT the type who listens to self help podcasts. But I am learning. The thing is I feel like my codependent feelings towards her ended a long time ago after she drunk dialed a guy from her parents house (this is like a few weeks after my child was born) that she had an EA with for years during her prior relationship and at the beginning of ours. I had thought she had changed because she was different when she was pregnant but at the point, I knew. One of the reasons for the

implosion in my relationship to her parents happened is I got tired of dealing with her shit and parenting her. Since then, really, its just been about the kid and my own self doubt.

I mean to be perfectly clear- there is now way we’d still be on speaking terms if we didn’t share a child.

Our relationship is great when its not bad

.

How many times have I said this, I wonder?

Being with a crazy person is almost like an addition in itself. Driving home, asking yourself "Who's she going to be tonight?"

I could write a book on that stuff-- I had a supernatural superpower for attracting that kind of woman in my youth, I think.

In the end, the only thing you can do is be supportive and extricate yourself from the equation when it becomes abusive. I applaud your dedication to your son, this must be truly bewildering for him. Stay the course, sending strength.

Her therapist is leaning towards DiD/BPD.

TAY remind me: how old are you?

In my lower 30’s. Why?

Just wondering. Thanks.

Neither fonelab or dr.fone seem to work? Any suggestions?

Detailed phone bill statements going back as long as her sketchy behavior has been going on. An archive of her FB messages. Location history through Google if you can get it. A PI/IT specialist who does data recovery if you can afford it. You can also have her make good on her agreement to take a polygraph.

If they are open during stay at home find a data recovery place and pay them to try.

It is known, unofficially in the health care arena, as a Cluster B Cluster F*%#.

If it’s BPD....run. BPD with concurrent addiction, run faster. It will not get better, ever. It’s hard wired. It does not matter if you go for full custody, you will most likely end up with it anyway. They often lose parental rights due to unstable behavior.

So I guess with the polygraph and STD test coming up she couldn’t handle it. Took off on Sunday telling me she could ‘t do it anymore and is moving into an apartment Thursday. I filed a petition for parental responsibility and we have a custody hearing in two weeks. Thanks for all the advice. I have a huge depression lifted off my shoulders.

Her flight speaks volumes, IMO. Sorry, Tay. As you said the action lifted a weight off your shoulders. It'll still come and go but she may have given you a huge favour. Good luck with the hearing.

Sorry, Tay. It's probably because she knows she wouldn't pass the polygraph. She might also be giving up on sobriety. Stand firm on protecting your kids from her until she can prove that she is sober and safe.

By the way. I made her take an STD test last Feb. she told me it was clean but tested positive for BV (which is the medicine she searched for and denied knowing about. Always seems to happen when she is out of town or I am. I know that it can’t be transmitted to me but am a justified in being angry she said it was clean?

Well, she just made your path much clearer and easier, honestly.

This is strictly a business transaction from here on out. Remove all emotion from this process. Focus hard on achieving the outcome that is best for your son.

Strength, bro.

but am I justified in being angry

YES. You are allowed to be angry. And hurt. And depressed. And sad. You're allowed to feel all the things. You don't ever have to feel like you need to justify what you're feeling. What happened to you is a big thing and it will take time to unpack it. And you will circle all over the place for a while.

Just don't let those feelings stop you from moving forward and doing what you need to to protect your sweet baby.

Good luck and strength Tay.

That's really your call. You can't get it and don't need treatment for it but you can spread it (given an extremely short period between different partners). Technically its not an std. Then again if you ask a girl if she is screwing around and she says no because it was only oral..Technically that's true as well....Technically..

It is just interesting that she lied about it multiple times, still claims the search for the treatment on her computer mysteriously appeared, and just happens to get them after she is at her parents’.