SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So WH just moved into his new house. He asked to take the BBQ and snowblower since I wasn’t going to use them. Whatever...he can have them....the kicker though....he asked if the boys would help him load it into his truck! He hasn’t spoken to them or seen them in months....they refuse....of course they said NO! He then asked his (old) best friend...who also said no....

Today I get a text asking if something was up.....why the kids don’t want to see him? Why they say no to FaceTime?

I responded...I wanted to scream...but I responded and calmly explained to this person that his children have been bombarded with change over the last few months....his leaving unexpectedly, social distancing, home schooling, their dad getting a new home, their dad taking things from their home....etc....I also explained that social distancing doesn’t mean not even asking to come by and see your kids and that they notice that he doesn’t ask....

He responded with the fact that he does care and think about others and that I don’t have to be mean....he is just trying to have open communication.

I don’t know how to parent with someone who has no empathy and acts like an immature ass! I ask the kids daily if they want to call him....I encouraged them to go out and say hi when he came to get stuff....they don’t want to...they are angry. I don’t blame them....

This is not the person I chose to have kids with!

I am so tired of dealing with him....so tired of asking the kids to see him or speak to him....I just want to scream in his face. Tell him what an ass he is, tell him to f’ing wake up and see the devastation he has caused!!!!!

No contact and refusing to engage with him is so important. Do you see how your response just gave him the opportunity to play the victim. He’s just trying to be the good guy. Don’t engage with him. If your boys wan nothing to do with him, it’s called consequences. Your WH knows why his sons don’t want to talk with him. He is manipulating you into responding.

No contact means no new hurts. Communicate by email only.

Become a grey rock. Give him nothing to react to. Good luck.

I have to respond to questions about the kids. For months now I have simply answered with yes, no...today he was asking about why? Or if something had changed with the kids. I feel like I had to respond. I stated facts....I didn’t engage, I didn’t bite when he called me mean....I don’t see how I could have responded differently....

I know he is playing victim...he honestly doesn’t see what he has done. I’m very aware! So is his family and past friends!

Hey Breakingapart

Hang in there! It’s so hard when they come around to stay emotionally detached. I know I’m struggling with that a lot. I totally get the anger and wanting to scream. Last night I was putting my youngest to bed (5 months old) and it hit me that my WH took his OW on dates, which means that she rode in our truck with him. In my seat. And something about that thought makes my skin crawl. It lit a fire in me and I could barely sleep last night because I was so angry and wanted to scream at him. He told me that they told each other that they love each other. I want to rip her throat out!!!

Whew... I guess I don’t have too much advice for you, I’ll leave that to the experts around here, there’s so much wisdom. I’m just trying to let you know that you’re not alone. I feel it too. And you’re doing such an amazing job! You are taking care of all of your kids and being their rock during this hard hard time. All the while healing yourself. You are a rock star!! And so freaking strong!!! You can over come this. A thought that helps me sometimes is this: as time passes you will only get stronger and stronger. He, on the other hand, will only get weaker and weaker the more it hits him all that he has lost.

Hugs to you!

I think your response was great. He would never have accepted an answer that involved the truth of how his actions have consequences. You stated that as simply as possible. It's not your fault that the facts paint him in a bad light.

From now on, let your kids handle their relationships with him. If they don't want to see him, not your problem. It's for him to deal with. Your only job is to not stand in the way of your kids seeing him which it sounds like you would never do anyways. Your kids are old enough to handle facetiming and talking to him themselves. If he ever asks again, just say, "I don't know. Ask DS1 & DS2."

It's funny that he mentions feeling like he's in the middle when in reality he's putting you in the middle. He's relying on you to advocate for him with your kids. He's asking you what's wrong instead of trying to talk to your kids. If they won't take his calls, he can still text them. He can still come over and try to talk to them face-to-face. He doesn't NEED you to manage his relationship with them. He just wants you to so that he has someone else to blame when he doesn't get his way just like he's doing now by calling you mean for what I'd consider an overly gracious text in which he's one of many reasons. So step back. Resign from being his parent-child manager. It's not worth it.

One thing I learned was my kids relationship with their mother is just that, theirs. Just as mine and my kids relationship is ours. If your kids don't want to talk to him, that's up to them. It's not your responsibility to play middle person. Kids are smart, they see all this (I know you know this) but it's up to them if they want to talk to their father. What does he expect when he hasn't seen or spoken to them in months? Sorry he doesn't get it, maybe he never will but that's on him.

I told ex that his relationship with his kids was his to repair or destroy. I was out. I would no longer makes excuses or be the go between for any of them.

I have often told my kids I hope that someday they have a relationship with their father, but as of now, it's been three years and there is no relationship between my adult children and their father.

It makes me sad. It wasnt supposed to be this way.

Resign from being his parent-child manager. It's not worth it.

After I was accused of being vindictive and trying to punish WH using the children, I resigned. Kids are only 5 & 7 but I sign them on to FaceTime at the hour set by WH, and walk away. If they want to talk or not, not my problem. If they have technical difficulties, kids can come find me. Eff that shit.

A relative of mine said to never write ANYTHING that can come back on you later. A perfect example is when he asked why the kids don’t want to see him is “I don’t know”. Be a gray rock. Never, never give an opinion. I had to testify all the time in court and only facts were allowed. I was a neutral party just giving the facts. “I don’t know.” was allowed as an answer.

You have to answer the where's and when's about children, not the why's. For example, yes, you have to answer if he asks where and when is a good place for drop offs. You need to speak about financials as well. You do not need to delve into the psychology of why his kids don't want to speak to him. A good answer would have been, "Hmm, I haven't noticed that about DS. Perhaps you should ask him. What time are you coming by to pick up DS?"

Always bring it back to business, not emotions.

Actions, meet consequences. I'll let you two get acquainted...

Well I tried to apply what I’ve learned here in the last few days. I continue to give my youngest 2 the option to speak to their dad daily. Today he asked if he could take the kids to visit his parents for the day tomorrow. A 6 hour drive....then back again same day. His parents speak to him but only superficially at this point. They are devastated by his actions. He also works in health care and has chosen to isolate himself from the kids during all of this....hasn’t seen them in months other than a 15 minute porch visit for my youngest birthday.....

I told him to ask the older two himself....

He also asked about some financial things today and I told him to get the info himself....instead of making it easy on him and getting him the paper work he needed ( what I usually do)

He sounds pissed! He texted back tonight to see if the oldest to see if they wanted to come as they had not responded to him. I replied with “ I don’t know”

Why am I feeling awful about this....I feel like I dumped his shot on my oldest two and I let it happen....

How can he possibly think that everyone else is wrong....how is he so oblivious ...so delusional?!?

He has also started calling our separation agreement our divorce...

I’m feeling so hurt...so alone

[This message edited by Breakingapart at 11:08 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

This is not the person I chose to have kids with!

Exactly how I felt, but it is what it is... I am certain my children ask and have asked, ‘why were we born, why did you have us?’

Damn that hurts more than the cheating...

If only, what ifs etc. if I only had the courage to leave much earlier... I saw this coming.

I made the best of a terrible inevitable situation.

I left, took some clothes and slept in a sleeping bag until I could get some furniture and appliances in. Actually, he forced me out... but my adult children complained that I had taken everything... they were used to me keeping everything in order and in its place...

It took me quite a few months before I had the courage to scream in his face...