Thank you, all, for taking the time to respond.
Thanksgiving: I do not want to dig into his electronic devices. I did go through his wallet and pockets in the beginning and hated it. Not because I felt bad about it. I didn’t. But it isn’t who I am and I refuse to become someone I’m not, for him. I told him when we reconciled that if I ever felt the need to do that again, the marriage was over.
You asked how the years in between have been. They’ve been good, overall. We were separated for a year after I caught him at her house, began marriage counseling three months later, which he initiated after me begging for us to go and him refusing. We attended for a year and ‘graduated’. Our son never forgave him and they don’t talk which has been an issue between us, of course.
Sorry to scare you, Thanksgiving, but let’s face it, we go into reconciliation knowing it could turn bad at some point. That’s the risk we take, isn’t it?
There have been no major life changes that I’m aware of, but who the fuck knows?
The affair ended after I spent two years trying to catch him at her house because I knew he’d lie to our kids and make me sound crazy, if I didn’t have proof. I knocked on the door and the skank saw me through the window and wouldn’t answer. After several moments, he answered and said, “What can I do for you?” I told him he could get his ass home and explain to our children why he didn’t live there anymore. I then drove home, trashed his hobby room, threw his toys on the front lawn, and left him standing on the front porch for two hours before he finally gave up on getting in, and left. He showed up the next day with the state police (we have no police force in the small town we live in). He claims he went over to her house the next day to break up with her. He walked in, she said, “Is it over?” He said yes, she said, “Get out!” He claims he did. I knew none of this or even where he was staying, because I refused to talk to him about anything but the kids, the house, and money for several months. I assumed he had gone back to her house. He claims he went to his mother’s because he knew I’d never reconcile if he had gone back to her.
StayStrong: I don’t think she can see his Facebook posts because they are private.
Stevesn: Consequences? I told him if I ever suspected him of cheating on me again. He wouldn’t know that I know, until he got served with divorce papers at work, and not to come home because the locks would have already been changed. I don’t think he is cheating on me and I don’t think he has since the affair, but I’m tired and feeling numb and just ‘over it’. I told him twenty years ago that if I had to get him out of my life to get HER out of my life, I would do it. There have been uncomfortable situations through the years that I’ve had to deal with. Her son purposely got a job where my husband was employed at the time, so my husband had to go to his boss and tell him that he was quitting and why. The boss told him not to quit, that they would get rid of the son, and they did. I have been in the position of seeing the confusion on the face of one of his hobby buddies when I mentioned to him we’d been married X number of years and the buddy was mentally trying to figure out why he remembered seeing my husband with another woman on multiple occasions, for several of those years. I endured the uncomfortable situation of my husband telling an old female friend from high school that he ‘couldn’t’ friend her on Facebook because he doesn’t accept female friend requests (not my rule, by the way, his). But, because she is unaware of the affair, I looked like an insecure, overprotective, micromanaging wife. I resented that. And he didn’t correct that impression, either. I also endured the extreme discomfort of having the skank’s son approach me from behind, at a hobby location recently, asking to pet my dog, and when I turned around to face the voice, we realized who each other was, and it was extremely awkward.
I think I’ve been a fucking trooper through all this. He has, for the most part, been supportive and we talked all these incidents through, and I didn’t blame him for them because he didn’t initiate or cause those situations. Posting a video with her in it was done by him, not anyone else. When I thought he did it unknowingly, I accepted it, but became outraged when he said he knew she was in it but it was a long time ago and I should be over it by now. Fuck him.
I’d love to hear what you think are appropriate consequences, Stevesn.
SteadyChevy: I am wondering the same damn thing. He is passive-aggressive and manipulative. I often feel like I am holding my hand up and saying Stop! I won’t be manipulated by you. I think the affair was passive-aggressive, and maybe this was, too.
Lala: I am feeling done, as well. The only other option I see, is if he agrees to go into counseling and figures out why he is manipulative and passive-aggressive.
Marie: Yes, this is the first time, HE has been responsible for rubbing my nose in it, so to speak. But, if you read above, there have been other situations where it has happened. What do you think is a reasonable consequence?
Coco: If you don’t mind me asking, are you staying with him and just living out your life? I am feeling oddly disassociated and done with him.
Stinger: I know the passive-aggressiveness and manipulative behaviors come from childhood. His mother was very difficult to deal with. I am also a strong personality, while he is a strong B type personality. Something, I feel, we both sought out in the other (even at our young ages). He knows I get shit done and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. He was the good-time Charlie with our kids, too. For my part, I know if I married someone like me, we’d implode. He balances me and helps keep me calm. We are good in a lot of ways, not so much in others.
