SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Key word: secretly. I am curious how you'd respond to this. Would you feel another kind of betrayal? Have you reached a higher plane of zen where it wouldn't even register? Would it depend on how close you feel toward the friend? What if these are the spouses of your friends who wouldn't even know of your ex had you never introduced them? How would you reconcile in your mind the unfairness that they don't truly know this person, and really couldn't know them as you do?

Note that I haven't actually run into this, but I have my suspicions that at least one person is in this boat. I guess I just never really thought about this situation and am curious how one copes with it when encountered.

I wish they would... see no body in my circle wants to...

Except to dig up more shit from him and then serve it back to him

Then their not your friends.

It would depend. If it were more like a work acquaintance friendship, I wouldn't expect any true loyalty. They're less a friend and more a networking contact. If it were family or a close friend, I'd cut them loose forever. If they're keeping it secret, they obviously know it's an act of betrayal. Therefore, no need to explain why you cut them out of your life. No validation, no confrontation, and no explanations. I've cut contact with people I was close to because they were cheating on their spouse, and I was actually closer to them than their spouse, but wrong is wrong. So I would expect my circle to have the same level of integrity and honor as me.

Then they are not your friends.

They would not be my friends....ever.

1. Why are they keeping it secret? If they were your friend they need to be honest.

2. My former spouse murdered the family through deceit and an affair, stole time and resources from the kids and me, repeatedly lied, and used "friends" as flying monkeys to harass and sabotage me. If my "friend" is secretly socializing with a person that harmed me and my kids like the ex did -- that person would be eliminated from my circle of friends.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:23 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

None of your business who your friends talk to unless it affects you. They are adults and can be friends with whomever they want. If you are truly indifferent about your ex, which is what is striven for, you wouldn't care.

Wouldn't matter to me one way or another as I left high school a long time ago.

If I were you, I'd be careful. If they are hiding it from you, they could be feeding your ex information.

If you want to make sure, just have a frank chat with them and tell them that they contact your Ex as long they don't discuss you with them. If they still hide it, they're feeding information.

If they are doing that, cut them out.

I ran away from my XWW, once upon a time (which is now having repercussions on my new life). Only friend ever purposefully her info, but the rest were careless. They slept with her and she snooped through their stuff.

Their collective carelessness is why I cut all contact with them over a decade ago.

If they are discussing things other than you, its fine. If they ever discuss you, well, then your friend has effectively spat on you and should be NC'ed immediately, and exposed to all mutual friends so they know who the rules.

Depends on how you define what a friend is. If you have suspicions, limit the amount of information to that friend. This friend may just have poor boundaries in certain areas. You will find in time that this friend isnt worth too much energy to keep the friendship. Remember, friends come and go through out your lifetime.

Then their not your friend.

I respectfully disagree.

My brother-in-law cheated on my sister. She never told me that, but I just knew by reading the signs. And later, it was confirmed to me by another family member.

Anyway, one time they had their biggest fight, and she kicked him out of the house. He came to my FWH’s and my apartment and said he had nowhere to go, and asked if he could sleep on the couch.

This is a man that was my “brother“ from the time I was about 10 to 11 years old. Also, in my adult life he had welcomed me into their home on several occasions when I was in a tough spot.

I did not question him about what was going on, and he did not offer any information. But I did let him stay. In the morning when I went into the living room, he had already gone.

Throughout their marriage, they had some rough times. But he was still my brother-in-law… Actually more like an actual brother. And I was not going to boot him from my life. Just like I would not have booted her from my life if she had been the one to cheat.

Even more personally, I would not expect or even want any of my FWH’s and my friends to “cut him off“ because of what he did to me. One of the hardest parts about divorce for me was that friends seemed to think they had to “take sides“. And I lost friends that way.

I am certainly not down playing the significance of infidelity...I have experienced it in two marriages. But I’m not going to banish someone from my life because they are still friends with them.

“Let him without sin cast the first stone.”

JMHO.

I'm generally of the opinion that friends are pretty innocent in any given infidelity situation (unless they are somehow participants in it) and the subsequent separation/divorce.

They don't really know what to do. Some feel they have to take one side or another. Some feel there are things they should/shouldn't say. Some fade into the woodwork, and others really step in and become supporters. But in the end, they *don't* understand infidelity and certainly shouldn't be expected to.

To your situation: how is this a "secret"? Simply because the person isn't telling you? Or are they actively trying to deceive you? Purposeful deception is one thing; having a relationship with your ex and not telling you because it's not your business is another.

If this is a "friend" of yours who is pursuing your ex in a romantic way, in my personal opinion there is nothing "wrong" with it, but you probably don't want to remain "friends" with this person.

After separation/divorce, you just lose some people and gain others. That's how it goes.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

I'd be careful. If they are hiding it from you, they could be feeding your ex information.

This was not my first thought. My first thought about why they may hide it is because of just the type of reactions we see here. They don't want to upset you and lose your friendship. Again, it's nunya.

I can swear on my son's life not a one did....then again my son didn't speak with her either once he was of an age where he no longer had to.