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iamweasel ( member #65930) posted at 11:03 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2020
No. Not for a moment.
I felt bad about how hard it was for our son. It was hard on him having to go back to her place after visitation, eventually I got custody and that got much better for him.
I do feel bad for what he went through but in the end it was better than what he would have lived with otherwise.
Never treat truth as the enemy, even if you don't like what it's telling you.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:06 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2020
Quite a lot of research has been done on divorce and recovery from divorce. I haven’t seen any based specifically on divorce due to infidelity but the general rule is that when queried 12 months after divorce is final the vast majority admit that they could (and should) have done more to save the marriage and about half regret divorcing. When the same group is asked at the 18 month mark the vast majority are very content with their decision to divorce and have no interest in going back to the relationship.
I find the 18 month issue interesting: It’s also the time widows and widowers are said to take to find happiness in life, it’s close to the magical 2-year mark in reconciliation, crime-victims to recover emotionally… I’m guessing that it’s simply the time we need to heal.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:37 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
No regrets here either. My biggest regret is that I took so long to actually break free. His drama continues. I have peace.
Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.
Pandora16 ( member #56906) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
the general rule is that when queried 12 months after divorce is final the vast majority admit that they could (and should) have done more to save the marriage and about half regret divorcing
I’d be curious to know how many of those regretting the divorce are the cheating spouses.
D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)
Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son
homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:53 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I wanted to stay married for my kids, but only if he was 100% in, bc the kids and I could not go thru another cheating scandal. He refused to get help, I quickly served him with D papers.
My sons and I are so much better off!!! I raised them my way-giving them a secure, loving home with NO drama allowed.
I do not regret divorcing my xh who is now married to his cheating OW. (And they fight a lot from what the kids say after they go over there) 😂
Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55
foxglove ( member #21791) posted at 4:05 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I have no regrets regarding the divorce. Twelve years later, my XH still believes that the underlying cause of the affair was my shortcomings as a wife. In the end, he would not have been a good candidate for reconciliation.
I feel badly for the pain that the divorce has caused my adult sons, as they have had a number of big life events in the last few years - college graduation, marriage, a grandchild, baptism - and those are the moments when I wish things were different.
Me (BS) 57
XH (WS)
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two grown sons
Remarried 9/18
CaliforniaNative ( member #60149) posted at 4:29 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
Nope. Drama free - why would I regret that? haha
I hated seeing my son go through the pain tho.
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 5:10 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I'm almost 7 years post D. No regrets. It wasn't easy after almost 30 years together and it turned my world on its axis. But it was the best decision for me, and I'm in a better place now than I ever was during our marriage.
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 9:11 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
Divorced about seven years now and have never had a single regret of any kind.
I have imagined what attempting to reconcile with my XWW would have been like and the thought reinforces my decision to divorce her.
My XWW was, is, and always will be far too weak to ever get anywhere beyond the “It was because of you!” blameshifting childishness.
Attempting to stay with her would have been a horrific nightmare.
That said, I still, to this day, feel some level of pain for my children in that they had to see their family destroyed for inconceivably selfish reasons.
Had we not had children, I would have been in a divorce-attorneys office the following morning and filed immediately.
It has nothing to do with you.
Filed for and proceeded with divorce.
waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I’m with the others in the camp of I regret the fact that I’am divorced as this is not what I had planned for this stage of my life.
However, I don’t regret the fact that I did it. I had to do it because staying in a marriage that would never compare to what we had previously was not an option either.
I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician
Divorced
BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I have no regrets. I tried to R, my Ex said he wanted to, but he continued to lie and decieve me. When I discovered that... I was done.
After instigating the D and S, I could detach enough to see what a general dick my Ex was throughout the M. Not just the A, but overall he had a disregard for my feelings and needs. That became a lot more obvious. And the shitty decisions and behaviors that he displayed in the aftermath of the separation and divorce made that apparent even to our children.
I'm so much happier in my life now, I'm a better parent, friend and partner. I am confident and secure in my ability to make good decisions and regained control over my life. I don't regret giving my Ex a second chance, and in actual fact I don't regret that he squandered that. It set me free.
Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide
BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I regret that D had to happen. At 6 months past Dday, I still love my WH (or who I thought he was), and wish he had the desire and capability to do the work required for R.
Since that's not the case, I had no other choice but to split permanently. Now that it's done I realize I am much happier today than I was a year ago during the gaslighting, deceiving, disconnected stage.
So I guess I am a no - I don't regret my decision to D, but it kills me that it had to be this way.
20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that
ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 4:33 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I profoundly regret NOT marrying my former fiancee. I had a very stupid and naive and fantasy-land idea of what love and marriage would be, and our relationship did not meet up to the ideal that I had. Instead, I broke off the 7-year relationship and the marriage a few months before it happened. There was no infidelity, but I regret it immensely now as I threw away a wonderful relationship in pursuit of magical butterfly movie-style love.
I don't regret moving across the country and giving up my job for my WH. I regret attempting to trust him after the A was discovered. We are D now (but still in "IHC" in so much as we live together) and I don't regret that at all - it was necessary.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:33 AM, May 28th (Thursday)]
You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.
Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
I regret I took so long to divorce. I regret my lack of boundaries and untreated Codependency and how I hurt my children because of it.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
TheBod ( member #24073) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
Not for a second. My xw showed no sign that she was remorseful at all and I allowed her to manipulate me into false R where the lies and deception were even more hurtful and damaging.
I guess the only thing I regret from those times was not being stronger and truer to my values and just filing for D ASAP and getting on with my life.
GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020
Nope. I wouldn't have met my real wife if I'd have stayed with her.
Hephaestus2 ( member #60769) posted at 3:33 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020
I do not regret divorce. I regret that I was slow to divorce but understand why I was slow. Not a day goes by that I am not grateful that I was eventually able to extricate myself from the great tangled knot of dishonesty and deception. I grieve for my children - that they had to endure a great hardship that was not their fault but that they did not understand.
thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 5:08 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020
I do and I don't. I will always regret the loss of the true love of my life.
That said, I tried in good faith to R twice, gave up a LOT... So the D had to happen and it was best for all.
That said, her second marriage has not been a good one.
ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...
Decimated ( member #31656) posted at 7:58 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020
I grew up in a religious family. I went to Christian schools. My parents have been married for 58 years and no one in my family was ever divorced. I never wanted to be divorced in the first place. It was something that I never even considered growing up.
So, here I am, married twice, divorced twice. Both wives cheated. I handled the 1st XWW's infidelity like a Boss. I kicked her out, filed for divorce, and never looked back. Granted, I was only married for about one year at the time.
I didn't regret divorcing XWW #1 for a minute.
I married the next one 5 years later. The second marriage lasted 16 years. This time I handled the cheating like a Simp. I did everything wrong. Rug sweeping, pick me dancing, dragging my feet on filing for D, I'm ashamed by the way I reacted. Maybe it was because we were married for much longer. Maybe it was the 3 kids we have. Maybe it was because I was much older. Regardless, my response was among the lamest ever by a BS.
This I regret terribly!
Finally, I found my balls and divorced her, kicked her out, and haven't spoke to her since. I woke up and realized that the woman loved and thought I knew, never existed. She was gone forever. The woman that replaced her is a disgusting creature. There was no way I could spend the rest of my life with her.
I don't regret divorcing XWW #2 either. I only regret waiting so long to do it.
Me -BH 47, now 56
Her-XWW 39, now, who cares
D Day #1 9/09 found out about texting
D day #2 1/11 found out EA on going
D day #3 4/11 found out EA was a PA
Divorced 1/13
Hephaestus2 ( member #60769) posted at 12:24 AM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020
Bigger wrote "Quite a lot of research has been done on divorce and recovery from divorce ... When the same group is asked at the 18 month mark the vast majority are very content with their decision to divorce and have no interest in going back to the relationship"
There is a similar effect when buying a car. When someone is looking for a mid-sized sedan, the Toyota Camry, Honda Accord, and Hyandai Sonata all look equally good. However, 18 months after that person has bought a Sonata, they are convinced that the Sonata is vastly superior to the Camry or Accord.
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