SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my story is pretty long, so I will summarise as best I can.

Been with husband for 20 years. Married for 15.

10 months into marriage he left me for a Co-worker. This hit me hard, I was devastated but i did actually manage to move on just a bit. It lasted about 10 months, before he said he missed me and wanted to work things out. So we did.

That took a long time for me to get over. We probably should of got counselling.

Fast forward 10 years and with a 3 year old baby, I find a text from an ex fiancé, (before we were married and together). It states she is sick of waiting and that he will never leave me. I confront him and her they both assure me there is nothing going on. My gut knows there is but I have no proof. So we move on and unusually I get a mulberry bag for Xmas.

Fast forward to the present time. 6 months ago we had a row. It was just a row, but husband said he’s not been happy for years and wants a divorce. Now, truthfully we haven’t. We have been very separate. We both work, we’re both tired and I think we lost our way. I say this, my initial reaction was ‘who is she’ , which of course he denied.

I am depressed also and feel I lost my purpose.

It would appear that either I am a great detective or he is a bad liar, as I found out there was another. I found texts and texts of love and adoration for each other - this other being.....the ex fiancé.

They then kissed in a public area in my home town so all could see.

Now despite my pain/anger I’ve mostly tried to just deal with the situation and get on with it. Strangely we have overall still got on, hence he didn’t move out. He was in a separate room anyway and thought it better for the child.

So house sold, we’ve both been accepted to buy new separate houses, divorce nearly final, then lockdown.

So he decides during lockdown that he doesn’t want us to be apart he wants us to stay together. That I am option 1. Because ‘she’ showed him love and attention when he lacked and craved it from me, however wrong it was, he got caught up in the whirlwind, but spending time with the family has made him realise that we are more important.

So to summarise we have decided now to buy a house together.

This whole experience has made me realise that I do want love and I do love my husband. But I need to feel the romance.

I have been receiving counselling since jan as I want to deal with my emotions in the best way. Now my therapist says there is nothing wrong with going through another ‘cycle’ as she calls it, as marriage isn’t black and white. The fact is I put up with this, and carry on. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel ready to leave. And I’m not sure what will be the thing that will make me.

So with all this moving on and looking forward I keep ‘finding’ out new information that my mind just is having trouble with.

I found out 2 weeks ago that he went on a romantic getaway with the other woman in March. He said he was on a stag weekend. He was still texting me however.

We agreed he would not text, but there have been some texts found. Although it’s been about 2 weeks since last discovery.

I’ve also today found in his car (hidden - ok I went looking), love letters he wrote to her explaining how he has loved her for 20 years and never stopped and that he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her. There was more, of that love. I found pictures for his new house he was buying with his and her names on it.

What I found was something and everything I would want from my love.

So I confronted him. I told him that I want him to be happy and he should be with the one he loves as it’s too special to lose. I said I want what he had with her, but that it should be natural not hard work.

He still states he wants to be with me and that it wouldn’t have worked and he didn’t love her. This is hard to believe when you’ve seen it written so many times.?

So my point and my question is, is it black and white? Do I be brave and leave? I probably won’t. I feel like our whole marriage has been a lie really.

He has cheated your entire marriage.

Live with hm. Be his friend. Be his friend with benefits.

Do. Not. Buy. A. House. With. Him.

Do. Not. Marry. Him. Because. He. Is. A. Serial. Cheater.

There's no right or wrong answer. What matters most is what makes you happiest and causes you the least regret. Your WH certainly has no problem seeing to his own needs on that score. He just does whatever he wants, and since he lacks the character to say "no" to cheating and lies, his own perfidy doesn't trouble him. So why not make it all about YOU now and make yourself a priority?

Your therapist said you could go another "cycle" if you want... and actually, that's an option. You have to weigh that option carefully against what you'll lose though. Right now, you stand to lose the chance to buy your own home, one that he has no say over. You lose the opportunity to date other people and possibly find someone new to love. You lose TIME that can never be replaced as you age a few more years. But here's the thing, if you can live with that, it's your call. It's not "wrong" if you can live with the consequences.

There's a certain satisfaction in winning the "pick me" contest with the OW. It's not much, but it's something. Just don't expect your "prize" to change or to become a different person. He's not going to do that. What you've seen is what you'll get. The one who "wins" the "pick me" gets a cheater. That's a bit like winning the donkey behind Curtain #3 from Monte Hall, but if you're honestly HAPPY with the donkey, who's to say different?

A bit of advice if you go this route....

Make sure you always have a back-up plan, money in your own name, a plan for retirement which doesn't depend on your WH, etc. If possible, get some kind of post-nup agreement while he's in the mood to woo you. Run it past a good attorney to make sure you're taken care of if he cheats again and causes a divorce. And mind your health too. You don't want to catch something permanent if he goes back to catting around. In terms of finding things out... stop digging. You already know he's a cheater. Learning the details will only cause you more pain. Digging for details is about informing our "stay or go" decision. If you've decided to do another cycle, don't put yourself through all that.

I think you already know you deserve better than this but you've been fairly plain with your intentions, so I say.... don't beat yourself up over it. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you comfortable. BUT... make sure you get a back-up plan and keep it updated. Chances are good that you'll need it one day.

((hugs))

It may be helpful for you to make out a very clear list of what you need from your husband in order to stay in the marriage. Like a real, written list of 10 or 20 things.

I'm talking about *needs*. Must-haves. Things that, if he were to cross that boundary again, would make you head for divorce, as sad as it would make you.

Then look at the list and see if you think he can do it or even try.

Do you have any needs or must-haves? Or are you afraid that you'll put up with anything just to have him around?

It's not a dig, but a serious question.

Way back when I was in the throes of infidelity, I came to realize that I had no clear, explicit, logical boundaries. The people here helped me sort that out. It was a very helpful exercise for me.

It all started with a list on paper.

I don’t know if your WH is capable of monogamy.

He appears to have had 2 separate relationships all along.

I wouldn’t invest in a new home with him.

I was a totally depleted mess after 30 years of suffering with my WH.

Can you or do you really want to deal with this for however long it takes.

He has never committed to you.

I separated from my WH, I bought my own home and moved out and on.

My WH wants me back now. I am done with him.

Yes, I wished I had moved out much earlier and saved my children and myself.

I can relate to the black/white vs. shades of grey. Me (64), WH (60) together 35 years, married 27, one adult daughter. WH is having a one-sided EA with a woman from about 34 years ago. They met randomly when she was visiting others (she's European), but he was captivated by her. Exchanged letters a bit for 2 years, then almost NC for 5 years, then a letter, then NC for 20+ years. She contacted him on FB 2.5 years ago and the EA started, at least for DH. I found the messages. The message thread was long and emotionally involved/personal. She says she was only trying to touch base and be friends (she and I exchanged 2 or 3 very frank FB messages when I found out about), but it rekindled DH's old feelings. He still emails her every couple of months (holidays, life events- DD's marriage, his mother's death), but she very rarely replies-and if she does, it's generic/bland. I also see him randomly staring at her FB page (they are NOT friends) and all the pics they exchanged 2 years ago (NOT porn at all- family, travel, etc). He also lies about having emailed her- he doesn't know I check his email accounts (he changed his passwords but isn't very creative, hahaha).

For the past 2 years we have gone back and forth on this. He understands I feel cheated on and betrayed but he doesn't think he cheated because it wasn't a PA. I've been in this grey limbo for the past 2 years. Here are my issues:

>He cheated on me. Marriage isn't just about the physical, it's about the boundaries that keep you 2 together and others out of your personal, emotional, & intimate lives. He doesn't understand this.

>Repeatedly says he didn't want to hurt me, loves me, wants to grow old together, etc.

>He's not going to give up this infatuation/fascination. He's had 2 years to get over it and hasn't stopped (emails, says her name in his sleep, still looks at pics of her/her family/home,etc)

>No sexual intimacy.

Seems clear... I should leave, except:

>this summer I'll be 64 and he'll be 60.

>We have a house, cars, retirement accounts, bank accounts, credit cards together.

> He is nice, considerate, friendly, smart, funny, and I love him. He says he loves me.

>We go places together, do things together, have fun together, enjoy each other's company. We really do.

We have a great thing going, except I know he keeps emailing OW as he just can't give her up. I find (because I look) messages every couple of months, just to see if he's still at it. When I ask about contact- or am scathing when I see him looking at her FB/pics- he always says it's not infidelity, he's not "been with" anyone except me, he loves me, is sorry I am hurting, etc.

>>SO DO I STAY WITH HIM and enjoy the life we have- and it's a good life- except I always know that my hurt is of less importance to him than a one-sided dream from 35 years ago. Can I live with the knowledge and be happy with the decision to stay? Do I always want to be his very best, very favorite, roommate? If I leave, I'm starting all over again at retirement age. I know I can live alone, but do I WANT to? Do I want to go through the emotional and financial upheaval of divorce? I see what my sister, friends, cousins all go through post-divorce, how hard it is to make ends meet, how awful most of the single men out there are, etc.

My life is all about the grey, so I hear ya... but unfortunately I got nothing to help. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this situation.

I don't see the grey area. He has cheated on you for your entire relationship. He is still cheating on you.

What do you want? Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't value you enough to be honest with you?

Of course you can deal with grey. Do you really want to?

I think BSes get to choose how they'll deal with being betrayed. IMO, staying together for financial reasons is not unreasonable, especially when close to retirement.

I suggest posting your question in the D/S forum, because I expect you'll find a number of posters who faced that same decision, and I think they will be able to help you decide.

That is a hard thing to go through. It usually is a good sign when a man says he wants to work it out with you. Because I know that if a man didn't want to be with you, he would not be - most men anyway. And when he really loves you, nothing can stop him from being with you.

That is a hard thing to go through. It usually is a good sign when a man says he wants to work it out with you. Because I know that if a man didn't want to be with you, he would not be - most men anyway. And when he really loves you, nothing can stop him from being with you.

It all depends on how many more d-days and how much trickle truth you can withstand. You were option one? You should have always been the only option.

You can stay with him if you want. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Do you want honesty from him? If so, make that clear. Let him know if he wants to see other women (it is clear he is going to) then he should at least tell you.

2. Do you want someone who only wants to be with you? If yes, then he is not the one.

3. Do you want to spend the rest of your life checking his phone or email? If no, then he is not the one.

I don't see much positive from your XWH, but maybe there is a lot more you just haven't written about.

Ward11151:

I am so sorry to hear about your dilemma.

It seems the only grey area here is how you want to respond to infidelity.

What is clearly black and white is that your husband is a liar, cheater and in general an untrustworthy scoundrel.

What is also clearly black and white is you deserve to be better treated.

Don't buy a house with him. Plan your future for you. What would it look like without him? No lies? No infidelity?

There is no grey area when it comes to how you should be treated.

I am the WS.

My thoughts are

1. Do NOT buy a house together. If you have both been approved for a house, then one of you buy one and the other can live/rent there but do not tangle up your finances again.

2. You need more requirements for R than Romance. Unless your husband can seriously go to IC and figure out why he is the way he is, and truly show you over a long, consistent time that he is changing and demonstrate that change then you are just waiting for your next dday. Your husband has shown no idea of what love and respect for you is, and he can fake that for some time. But without the work there will be no change.

3. You need to understand your husband has never taken responsibility for his own happiness. He has used others to prop him up and distract him. He is using you for that now. That doesn't mean he can't or won't change, but I do not believe people can do that quickly or on their own. He needs to be reading, and in IC, and doing whatever he can to dig up these things. This is an engrained pattern for him that he believes that he can get away with, making it easy for him is not going to work well for you.

The way I see it, we only get a certain number of years on earth. We can choose to spend that time however we want. It depends upon what we value most. If you want happiness and peace, I cannot understand why you would want to stay with him. He doesn't sound very deep. He now thinks you are the best and wants to be with you. You have absolutely no guarantees that he won't decide next month that some AP is the best ever and he wants to be with her. You aren't seeing the romance because he isn't pursuing you. You're a sure thing. He already has you, so why try? I have no doubt he wants to stay married to you. He needs home base to come back to after he's done having a good time with other women. You aren't feeling the romance because he's treating you the way a teenager treats his mom. That isn't romantic.

This excuse about how he lacked and craved attention from you and that's why he cheated is utter horseshit too, btw. I'm pretty sure you didn't feel like he was giving you all this attention and romance and you didn't cheat. He's a serial cheater. He isn't going to stop cheating. If you stay with him, you're going to need to accept that he is going to have girlfriends and that you're going to be living in hope that he won't choose one over being married to you. He has probably had more indescretions than you'll ever find out about.

I'm pretty sure that you're worth more than what he has to offer you.