SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The ORIGINAL POSTER is fiestyredhead NOT jerry17. Sheesh.

you married your husband for MONEY, for SAFE HAVEN, not for LOVE.

We did the same job and made the same money before I had kids. So nope, not money.

Safe haven, also nope. He is certainly not the only man I could have married, and anyway I am capable of creating my own “safe haven.”

come back to your husband and not R

We tried to R after we were divorced and remarried. Unfortunately it just didn’t work out. As, ya know, MANY reconciliations after infidelity don’t work out. I’m far from alone there.

I completely agree with you that there was no excuse for cheating and that I should have divorced first.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 8:25 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

Tseratievig,

My apologies, I will edit.

jerry17:

to gmc94: are you saying that you are OPEN to having sex to another man when you are still married?

Nope, not what I said at all. What I said was that at the time I was engaged I had to consider the fact that getting M would mean never having sex with another man for the rest of my life. I made a conscious and deliberate choice to make that vow. And I have kept it - for more than 25 years.

My WH however, chose to break his vows pretty effing quickly. He had a 10+yr EA, followed by a 10 year PA.... basically cheated in one form or another for our entire M.

So, at the time I agreed to get M, I actually contemplated & considered that getting M meant never sleeping with another person. Unfortunately, I don't think my WH ever seriously contemplated those vows or that getting M meant giving up fucking other people until the day he died. He was the one open/ok with sleeping around, not me.

Never said sex was not unique to being M. What I said was that sex was never THE unique thing to being M. If sex were the sole basis for getting M, or the "only" thing that was unique about being M, I doubt most folks would do it.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:08 PM, July 11th, 2020 (Saturday)]

It would be so refreshing if low drive people were up front and honest during the dating phase of a relationship to let their potential partners know that they don't need sex as much as a high drive person does, and then it would be refreshing if the high drive partner actually listened to what s/he was being told.

Instead, many times (not always) the LD partner is so desperate to win the hand of the HD person that they are willing to endure the 5 nights a week of date sex until after the wedding. Then bam, they hit the brakes and only initiate sex or agree to sex when they want it.

It is fraud, plain and simple.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:32 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

Westway,

There’s also the fact that things and circumstances change; attraction can change too. My H and I were both “high drive” when we met. We were highly attracted to each other and had sex all the time. Over the years, much in our lives changed that unfortunately changed the dynamic. Opposite work schedules for awhile (= barely seeing each other), exhaustion from said (very physically demanding) job, my A, two years apart from each other and the “spark” no longer being there on either side after that, having kids and him unilaterally choosing to create a child-centered marriage and stop being a spouse, our child’s special needs creating enormous strain....

....All that to say that the way things ended up had zero to do with how things started out, so being up front from the beginning was completely unrelated to the end result.

ETA: My *drive* itself hasn’t changed. I long for the day when my children are independent enough that I can leave this shitshow of a “marriage” and have a happy one—and one that includes good, enjoyable sex. It’s just not in the cards with my H.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 3:57 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

My drive changed over the years.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 7:28 PM, July 14th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Drive can be changeable in both spouses. It doesn’t always mean it was fraudulent. We have been together almost 30 years. Anyone who thinks when they get married that that sex will be a consistently good thing at all times probably should not get married. I will say I think my husband and I probably have done an extraordinary job at keeping actively engaged, there were still years when he was building a business or we had a baby that would not sleep. Or different hormone shifts, he had a six month depression in his early forties, and a back surgery in his 50’s. As we have aged sometimes we go more quality over quantity.

But that being said, my first husband wouldn’t have sex more than a couple times a month, didn’t like giving oral. We got a divorce and while there was lots of reasons for it? That was the biggest one. I was in my early twenties and wasn’t willing to stay with someone who was going to keep me in a sexless marriage for life. So if someone baits and switches you then get out before you have kids.

I didn't say all people. You guys all need to quit getting your knickers in a twist. Sex drive changes overt time? Really??? No duh. That isn't what I was talking about.

Thank you Einsteins for that clarification. Maybe I should take you guys driving with me so you can tell me the color of the traffic lights.

I didn’t have my”knickers” in a bunch. I said I married someone like that so I divorced him. People made the point because the majority of people on SI have been married for 10 or more years. A bait and switch situation would be immediately apparent. I would say in my marriage my husband and I have taken turns being the higher drive person. Not sure why you are choosing to take the comments back personally? Maybe check your knickers.

I keep thinking that I'm low drive, but maybe I just do not enjoy sex with my STBX because he isn't a safe person. We both had high drives in the beginning then it started to wane to a couple of times a week, but my WS was adamant about how much we were having that it wasn't enough and would tally the days we had sex and didn't. It was really a turn-off and from then on I felt I was forced to have sex so that he wouldn't leave and that did not bode well for either of us. I do believe one's drive can change.

My STBX blamed his A on my lack of sex, but when we opened the M up and I found out his A never ended I knew it wasn't about the sex anymore.

Yeah I’m not sure what’s up with that nasty unprovoked reply. One could conceivably argue that because I used fo be highly sexual with my H and have not had sex now for 15+ months and counting that I was one such person about whom you were describing; I was merely explaining some reasons that such a result should occur—and that’s what I read in the other two posts as well. OUR knickers are evidently not the ones that are twisted.