SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How much does sex matter: not much.

I didn't marry my husband just for sex. I married him for other things that make him a mostly good partner. Same money, parenting, religious, and educational outlooks.

We actually don't argue much, aside from his SA.

Divorce would financially ruin us. Actual sex is not worth living in poverty Each of us would be supporting 4 kids half time, on about 2K a month. If my choices are being able to retire or getting dick, I'm choosing the ability to retire..

Well, this has to be a 2 part answer for me.

Part 1, pre affair. Sex was extremely important to me. I spent a lot of my youth pursuing it and, being honest, enjoying it tremendously. And spent a lot of time with my W trying to temper that part of myself as she presented herself as very "non-sexual". But how important was it to me; your original question, very important.

Part 2, post affair. Well, now everything is different. I have a ton of sex now, but it's really lost the thing that made it so attractive to me in the first place. What was that thing? Well, I was raised by rather progressive parents, who always instilled in me, "men and women are the same" and "women like sex just as much as men". I spent most of my life believing that, and also used that as a justification for a lot of the things I did in my youth. If men and women liked sex the same, there was no harm in "kicking game" or telling some lies to get a women in bed, I sure as heck wouldn't care if a woman did that "to me" because, well, I loved to have sex. It would be like "fooling me" into going to my favorite restaurant by telling me we were going to go to MCD for dinner; the result is something I wanted anyway, so, no, I'm not going to be mad if you lie to me and tell me "We don't have the money for your favorite place" but then take me there and tell me you were trying to fool me. So what? Objective achieved, I'm eating in my favorite place, don't much care that you "lied" to me to get there.

Well, my W's A blew that all to pieces for me. Her story was, much like most WW's, a story of "ego kibbles" and validation that she got from the A, not the sex. So far as to claim, again, as is common, that she didn't really even want/desire sex with the AP, she just wanted the ego kibbles and attention. Well, that sounds like some complete horses**t to me, but, after 1000's of pages of reading (this site and others like it), dozens of books, and plenty of articles on the topic, the theme is just too consistently reported, a lot of women (and some men, but much rarer) trade sex for kibbles of one sort or another. Those kibbles could be lots of different things, attention, gifts, validation, time together. But it's rarely, in fact, I'm not sure I've seen a single WW say, "I just wanted to F him/have sex with him" (the AP). They very often wanted/want something else.

Well, that brings me to today, and from all that, the realization that what I considered an "even trade" (you have fun in bed, I have fun in bed, we're both happy) is very likely not a realistic view of the situation. It's far more transactional than that, it's a trade of "good A" (sex) for "good Y" (attention). And, at the heart of it, there's no specific reason that's wrong, but it's just a hairs breath from trading money for sex, something I've always had a complete aversion to. I always wanted a woman to want to sleep with me because I was sexually attractive to her, because she wanted sex, not because she wanted me to keep paying attention to her. Your horny, I'm horny, lets have some fun. And perhaps that is available in limited circumstances, looking back across my sexual history and particularly one night stands, it's hard to see how it was anything but two horny people falling into bed together. Honestly? I long for that, the desire that motivated by desire; not by other things.

Sex still matters a lot to me, it's just very much altered from this realization. If I were to D, I'm not really sure how I'd proceed; one part of me thinks "pretend you don't know and enjoy yourself". And, to be fair, there are a FEW female stories out there, either about their affairs or sex in general that basically read as "guy was hot, wanted to F him, end of story", so I know it's not impossible, but I also know I suck at determining one from the other (I thought that's why my W wanted to sleep with me, for example). The other part of me thinks just let it be, they don't want what you're selling. And the darker part of me thinks, "Just pay for it, at least you both know the deal going in", although, TBH, I'm not sure I could really enjoy myself in that situation.

SlapJack: Yes, you are right,hikingout's share gives invaluable information about WW. Thanks hikingout as well, you, unlike my wife, dare to tell what you think.

I am NOT sexist, but I am always struggle about how you girls always wants equality between MALE and FEMALE and then keeps nagging about girls feels different to boys about sex.

You girls keep saying sex is not the reason for infidelity, ok. Why did you have sex with the other guys? Reasons? My wife's reason was, and I quote "Men want sex"

Why did you had sex with another man hikingout? why you keep saying the main reason for cheating is not sex but the FINAL action was that you did ALL the sexual actions to the other guy and not your husband?

I had a dog after Dday, I didnt want it but it was my wife who insisted to have a dog. My dog, Bella, came to me and lick my face ALL THE TIME, why did she do that? Sorry please dont get offence when I bring a dog into this post. My point is that my Bella loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. Question here: YOU CHOSE to marry your husband, you KNOWN he was THE BEST for you, why did you cheat?

At the time you DECIDED to have sex with another guy hikingout, really sorry no offence, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

Can you please tell me WHAT DID YOU THINK when you DECIDED to go to that man and HAD SEX WITH HIM?

WHAT DID YOU REALLY THINK WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?

I am SICK of you woman keeps nagging about equality, about sexism, then still saying women ARE NOT biologically turn on, wanted sex. So double standard. I myself told many girl off when they wanted to use their body to win big contract. The reason: I LOVE MY WIFE, I LOVE MY KIDS, I LOVE MY FAMILY.

Please dont hate me hikingout, without your post I wont be able to give myself a reason to myself for my wife's behaviour.

Says that I KNOW the reason why, but I CANT UNDERSTAND why.

And hikingout, trust me, your husband has been crying when he watches a movie, or read about a beautiful LOVE, because he LOVES you so much, he LOVES the kids so much, he LOVES the family so much that he, similar to SLAPJACK, or myself, had to accept the fact that our WIVES give up themselves to A SHIT MAN, and still had ego not GIVING themselves for us.

Myself, like your husband, and also like SlapJack, has been asking this question: I ALREADY SHOWERED MY WIFE WITH LOVE, I HAD BEEN ALWAYS SHOWING HER MY ONLY LOVE TO HER, AND WHAT I GET WAS A BIG DAMN CHEAT. SO WILL I STILL SHOWERED HER WITH LOVE AND GET CHEATED?

[This message edited by jerry17 at 9:33 AM, June 14th (Sunday)]

Jerry17....please forgive me if this is worded like crap and short and to the point. This is only the second time I have ever commented here or anywhere.

There are so many good women in this world, just as there are good men. We also share a characteristic to really screw ourselves and others up.

And about women, yes many think the way you described.I myself am a traditionalist and get goosebumps still when my DH of 24 years opens my car door LOL! Cheesy, I know

My very short opinion (and please don't blast me people, I am sensitive :) )

The reason MEN AND WOMAN cheat is because we are HUMANS. We ALL have the ability to be envious, hateful, wonderful, assholes, loving, horny, bored .....you get the point.

We all fuck up! And yes, I do believe there are different levels of fucking up. Having an affair is at the top 5% for me.

But guess what? if we can't forgive..then we will be miserable for the rest of our lives.

There is a path to forgiveness and a path to hate. NO, I am not getting on a pulpit , not today anyway lol but I speak from my heart...my soul. Get those feelings out....cuss, scream, break things, yell at her what a c*** she is!! BUT allow those feelings to BEGIN to flow out of you. When you both feeling loving....love the hell out of each other! Be angry when you are angry.

This is going to take TIME and BOTH of you making a commitment to make it through stronger and maybe even better then pre-affair. Your wife has to be remorseful!! If she is not remorseful...bye bye bitch.

But think about a LOVING FUTURE with your wife. If you ALLOW it, the anger will fade. It just will.

We all deserve to be joyful so that in turn we can help others who are in pain. That is the goal for me and my DH. (Yes, I still do the DH thing because I STILL love that asshole) Your wife BROKE you, SHATTERED your world...your family's world...so did my husband. BUT we both have made a COMMITMENT to get through this and forever treat each other lovingly and with respect. If your wife cannot do that..then she does not deserve to share this life with you.

Jerry,

I am very sorry, I don't think I can really address your post - there is a lot of projecting happening and a lot of things I did not say. I can only say this:

I am SICK of you woman keeps nagging about equality, about sexism, then still saying women ARE NOT biologically turn on, wanted sex.

First of all, nothing about my post said women are not biologically turned on, or that we don't want sex. Sex is important to me.

I only said that wasn't what I was seeking (MOST) in the affair. Affairs are complex and people have them for different reasons. My reasons are going to be different than your wife's.

I wrote a response today in the Wayward side to a lady who was talking about her whys. There is a bit of the back story as to why I wanted to escape my life, but that's what the affair was - an escape instead of coping.

I can't tell you the magical answer you want to make you forgive your wife, nor can I speculate on her reasons or driving factors. I can only tell you I understand if she said that's not what she was primarily seeking. This really isn't the thread to go on about this, but feel free to post questions over in the I can relate forum, the thread is called "BS questions for WS". This post was about how important sex is as a factor for reconciliation, and I really don't want to help derail it any further.

I am NOT sexist, but I am always struggle about how you girls always wants equality between MALE and FEMALE and then keeps nagging about girls feels different to boys about sex

🤣

Whenever a statement starts with, "I'm not such-and-such, but...", you know the such-and-such is coming. First thing that gave it away was the use of "girls". I surely hope no one is married to or having sex with girls. We are all women here, I'm pretty sure. Then, to say, "you women," as if we're all the same.

Second, equal does not mean same. Treated equally, having the same rights, privileges, opportunities, etc., like jobs, pay, education, ability to divorce without male permission, body autonomy, right to vote, etc. Being seen as just as intelligent and capable of men. That does not mean that men and women are not biologically different. You are, in fact, extremely sexist.

🤦‍♀️

To fiestyredhead: thank you for your post, at the end of the day, i think the main reason that made me confuse is that my wife still cannot, somehow, show/convince me that she is truly remorseful.

To hikingout: thanks heaps, still a bit hard for me try to understand why the sex happened. As i said, I know, but I cant make sense out of it. I try to understand so I can look at the root of the problem(s) and find a solution. You said it yourself that your husband showered you with love, that he deserved the world. My wife said it too, right before she travelled overseas, leaving the kids to me on her business trip then cheated. If what you and my wife said were correct, from the bottom of your hearts then our love and our care WERE NOT what you were seeking at that time. Can I say that?

To cocoplus5nuts: English is NOT my native language. To me, sometime girls mean WOMEN. Even on the sentence you quoted, I used MALE and FEMALE and then girls and boys. It is a bit weird, in my opinion, that you pick the word GIRLS and conveniently miss BOYS.

Anyway, my point (and I think SlapJack's point) is to confirm that Sex Matters very much to us, that we treasure those intimate time with our wives and have been struggling to UNDERSTAND why we could not receive what we deserve, that those actions were given away easily. And that is why it is harder for us to FORGIVE, not that we DONT WANT or NOT READY to FORGIVE

Mmmhmm...

To hikingout: thanks heaps, still a bit hard for me try to understand why the sex happened. As i said, I know, but I cant make sense out of it. I try to understand so I can look at the root of the problem(s) and find a solution.

The problem was not with the relationship or with my husband. It was with me. My husband could not find a solution for MY problems. I had to do that.

You said it yourself that your husband showered you with love, that he deserved the world. My wife said it too, right before she travelled overseas, leaving the kids to me on her business trip then cheated. If what you and my wife said were correct, from the bottom of your hearts then our love and our care WERE NOT what you were seeking at that time. Can I say that?

I guess that's accurate on the face of things. First, understand I didn't know what I was looking for. I wasn't looking for an affair, really, to be honest. I was very unhappy, very unfulfilled. That was my fault. When the affair came along, it was a distraction from that and it felt good to feel good after feeling so badly. I was wrong in the choices I made.

As I explained already to Slapjack, for me it was really wanting to be someone I wasn't. It was a way of propping me up. I do feel like I already explained in this thread how the sexual aspects happened, they just were not core to what I was getting from the situation.

I think as a faithful man, you would assume the reason that you would have an affair would be for more or different sex. I realize that is a little fantasy bubble some men have. But, the reality is, if you have been faithful then the desire for more or different sex is not enough to make you cheat, right? Because you have integrity, or because you don't have the things that are broken enough that you started bargaining your values for it.

The motivation to cheat is usually not just based on sexual desire. That's all I was trying to say. Affairs are sexual, but they are driven by needy people who need a lot of external validation for some reason. Being able to pretend to be the vibrant, young, sexy, funny, interesting person was my way of propping myself up to try and find happiness. But it was very artificial. When that bubble popped, I was more miserable than before.

The solutions are not what they might seem to be, they aren't things you can necessarily provide. They will be based on your wife learning what is broken inside of her and fixing it so she can be in a healthy adult relationship. It's easier to focus on the sex and the ways you can fix it, because it would give you some assurance of it not happening in the future. She has to really be able to tell you and show you what is going to be different moving forward.

Gently, Jerry, speak for yourself. Write 'I' instead of 'men' or 'we', write 'me' instead of 'us', etc.

One of the things that helped me heal was that I knew healing was my problem, my task to accomplish. What 'men' think or want may or may not apply to me, and taking control of my healing meant figuring out what I want and need. When I was growing up, 'men' were thought to want platinum blondes. I liked Sophia Loren ... no blondes for me.

For you to heal, you need to figure out what hurts. You need to make your own decision about your M and your life.

And there's no way to know if forgiving is harder for your or for someone else.

BTW, R is eminently possible without forgiving, and D may be the best choice even with full forgiveness.

You lead your life as an individual. The herd may provide some guidance, but it can't live your life for you.

Your command of English is pretty good for a non-native speaker. I never learned a foreign (to me) language as well as you have, and my hat is off to you.

Anyway, my point (and I think SlapJack's point) is to confirm that Sex Matters very much to us, that we treasure those intimate time with our wives and have been struggling to UNDERSTAND why we could not receive what we deserve, that those actions were given away easily. And that is why it is harder for us to FORGIVE, not that we DONT WANT or NOT READY to FORGIVE

Jerry...I hear you pain, however, my point was more about the confusion that hikingout mentioned...not that is is more difficult for men to forgive women for cheating. There are few truths in an uncertain world, but here is one...the pain and trauma from infidelity is the same regardless of gender. Now, it might be expressed differently. Women might be more hurt by the time a man invested away from the family more than the actual sex, and a man might be more pissed at the sex. Or vice versa. It doesn't matter because pain, the pain you are very clearly expressing in your words, is just what it is...pain.

[This message edited by SlapJacks at 2:37 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)]

Not in R but it doesn't matter to me at all anymore. I don't desire it or miss it. I believe being with someone who was personality disordered and a sex addict (they often go hand in hand) has driven me to become asexual.

The motivation to cheat is usually not just based on sexual desire. That's all I was trying to say. Affairs are sexual, but they are driven by needy people who need a lot of external validation for some reason.

Agreed. My XWH couldn't have possibly not gotten enough quality sex at home. That wasn't ever the issue. He needed something that wasn't about just sex even though he used prostitutes, which is 100% about sex. There is always the possibility that he just wanted a plethora of women, but that wasn't something that a singular woman can provide anyway. He was needy and entitled. Him having a sex drive wasn't the entire reason he cheated.

To me sex is important part in most relationships, it helps you bond, it helps you de stress, and with the right person it feels great all the time..whether its a quickie or a long drawn out time.

Unfortunately for me my WW changed our dynamic by going elsewhere for sex..which for me meant i now question if she actually enjoys it.

We missed out on HB because in her words "i looked at her like i hated her and she didnt want to try anything out of fear of rejection" whereas anytime i tried to initiate things i got told basically the same.. That she didnt feel like she wanted to.. Not helped by her still communicating with the AP.. further instilling feelings of doubt in me..

I also made the mistake of asking what she had discussed with the AP about our sex life... She had compared me to him with me being unfavorable in every department.. And then wonders why i pulled away.

I wish we had had the HB.. but we didn't.. And even 15months post dday i still wonder what she truly thinks about our sex life.. She may say she is happy with it.. Unfortunately i still dont trust her..

Jerry i feel your pain, i KNOW your pain. You are doing what every man and sone women do in the aftermath of this nightmare. Im right there with you. I am 2.5yrs out not sure of your time line. I'll just be honest with you. The answer, reason, etc you are looking for doesn't exist. It's like a dog chasing it's tail. You think that you are going to find an answer or hiking(great ww to get insight from) is going to tell you something that is going to make this all seem understandable.

Won't happen. Hikingout has been a great help here at si.

I am going to tell you how I feel and what ive learned up to this point. Affairs are highly sexual. Ww's will minimize this to their grave. I wasn't there for that, i didn't enjoy it, yada,yada,yada.

Now I don't think they are completely lying, they are just telling us how they feel TODAY. Do you really think "making love" to your long lost soul mate was not enjoyable? I call bullshit on this. The only proof a bh needs is to read the sexual text messages between them at the time. There are many bh on here that have. Let's look at the facts and this is a generalization but fits most ww. Went out of their way to facilitate sex,yes. Bought or brought lingerie,yes. Sexting,yes. Pictures,yes. Shaved,yes. Made love(at the time), yes. Had sex at almost every opportunity,yes. Does this sound not enjoyable to you? I wasn't there for that, etc. Of course not because it's bullshit. We as bh have 2 choices. To live with that or not. Honestly its a shit sandwich or a shit sandwich. One thing is for sure, things have permanently changed. I am still navigating my way through this. I have no clue where i will end up. I can tell you that im keeping my options open, i guess you could say i have one foot in and one foot out. I here today, I'll probably be here tomorrow and next month but 5yrs from now who knows. Can/does a man really get over his wife being

"someone else" sexually behind our backs? Possible i suppose. Waitedtolong is a good on this. He tried his best but as im learning and I think you are coming to grips with, somethings cannot be fixed.

to sisoon

Gently, Jerry, speak for yourself. Write 'I' instead of 'men' or 'we', write 'me' instead of 'us', etc

thanks for that, i totally agree

to StrugglingCJ

To me sex is important part in most relationships, it helps you bond, it helps you de stress, and with the right person it feels great all the time..whether its a quickie or a long drawn out time.

Unfortunately for me my WW changed our dynamic by going elsewhere for sex..which for me meant i now question if she actually enjoys it.

i still wonder what she truly thinks about our sex life.. She may say she is happy with it.. Unfortunately i still dont trust her..

you and I are similar. Sometimes, to get out of this self-doubt, I force myself to think that my wife's biology and sex values are different to mine, and that is something I cant do anything about it, I cant force her to think or value the same thing like me. It helps me in my most painful moment, at least numb the pain, but it cant kill the pain, because it is NOT the answer for the doubt, because the doubt and the pain still exist. So what will be the HELP that my wife can give me to get me through this nightmare (if she is truly remorseful and finally realise her love for me and the family now) is to change her values in sex. But then how do you change it biologically (if it is biologically different?

Then I read Humbled123 post.

to Humbled123: My DDay was 23/05/2017, 3 days after she left for business trip. Her schedule was to come back home on 30/05/2017 so we can prepare for our daughter birthday which is 02/06. Too bad for me, she came back telling me about the affair and wanted to separate. She still stayed for the daughter's birthday but then LEFT again, travelled overseas to that guy with the hope that he would take her (she applied for a job in that country), leaving behind her kids (and that's what I still cant forgive her until now. Me yes she can hate/be sick of me to the gut but why her kids? She carried those 2 beautiful angels in her womb for 9 whole months, went through all the pain to give them life, is that MOTHERHOOD God's gift while FATHERHOOD need bonding time). It was the AP who gave her the finger, telling her straight to her face that he wanted no commitment to her at all, that no man would say no to free sex (of course, my wife travelled there to be with him), but he would not take a cheated woman seriously ever. Then she came back to us, and we took her back.

Dont know why i tell the story, but to answer your question, i am 3 years post D-Day, and I am exactly what you said: TO LIVE WITH IT. Its not like one foot in and one foot out, or keep myself opened for other women, but I simply feel that I WILL NOT BE THAT PAINFUL ANYMORE, even in the case that she does it again.

I believe in Karma, not that I want bad things happen to her, but I believe that if I do the good deed then my kids wont have to go through the same pain that I've been through. I asked my wife a question: Imagine one day our son came to you crying, telling you his wife cheated on him. Are you gonna be in pain? I dont want that happen so I wont do anything that can CONTRIBUTE to that.

Now come back to SEX, because it is the main topic of this thread. I (not us men, thanks to sisoon) believe that SEX is ONE OF the main factors for cheating. Hikingout you said that the MAIN reason was "really wanting to be someone I wasn't", so what EXACTLY was THAT SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE at that time, so you had to go with the affair?

THAT SOMEONE would do crazy things yes? Says you made investment decisions that you wouldnt do in normal situations, bought ridiculously expensive things, quit your jobs and apply for a job that you always wanted... etc, then BANG, HAD SEX with another man, WHY? Why does it HAD to be having sex with another man, may be doing some weird position that you had never done...?

My thinking is this, it must have been a Main Factor, because my wife didnt feel like it anymore with me, our VALUES in SEX are different, we cant have the same value that Humbled123 described, ONLY YOU CAN MAKE ME WANT TO DO IT, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I ONE. We married for 10 years, same guy, no more thrill for her. He still shows me he loves me no matter what I do, whatever I wear. Am I still attractive? Hey, it COULD BE BETTER WITH ANOTHER GUY.

And that, as I said above, is the main reason for my doubt. AM I THE ONLY ONE NOW THAT YOU REALISED AFTER TRYING WITH ANOTHER GUY?

I told my wife that if she ever have the feeling with another guy, please tell me, we divorce, prepare our kids, they she can TRY with whoever she wants to try. Because my kids, even though they were only 6 and 4 on D-Day, could feel that something was wrong, they cried and they cried and they were miserable. At least do the right thing by divorcing if she absolutely knows I am not the one.

Now come back to SEX, because it is the main topic of this thread. I (not us men, thanks to sisoon) believe that SEX is ONE OF the main factors for cheating. Hikingout you said that the MAIN reason was "really wanting to be someone I wasn't", so what EXACTLY was THAT SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE at that time, so you had to go with the affair?

THAT SOMEONE would do crazy things yes? Says you made investment decisions that you wouldnt do in normal situations, bought ridiculously expensive things, quit your jobs and apply for a job that you always wanted... etc, then BANG, HAD SEX with another man, WHY? Why does it HAD to be having sex with another man, may be doing some weird position that you had never done...?

My answer may have nothing pertinent to do with your situation.

The truth is when the affair started I was terribly emotionally exhausted, depressed. I was that way because I didn't manage my life properly. I hated my life and I didn't know how to change it. I accepted attention from someone else (first of many bad decisions). I latched onto it. It made me believe I was special and that's what lead to pretending to be a new and improved version of myself. I escaped my pain by living in a fantasy world based on lies. The sex was an escalation of all that. I don't excuse the sex, I don't even say I didn't enjoy the sex at the time. I just say that's not my motivation or what I was after in starting the whole thing. Part of me just didn't have it planned out, I was in denial for some time that part would actually happen.

I actually have always been happy with my sex life. It has been one of the ways H and I have always been very compatible.

If sex is something that is not as readily available to you, perhaps you are projecting based on the reason you would have an affair. Scarcity makes something more valuable so you are inflating the importance of it for me or for your wife. I didn't have secret sexual desires that wasn't being met. But, the reality might actually be worse - I had given up on my marriage and went behind his back probably more seeking romance and connection, but moreso a way of propping myself up trying to feel special. Terrible way to go about it.

This is the last time I am going to respond to you on this thread because it's not appropriate. If you want to ask questions of WW's go to the "I can relate" Forum and ask it under "Questions from BS to WS". This is really not what this particular thread is about. This thread is about whether or not sex was something that led to your decision to reconcile with your spouse, and to what importance level.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:19 AM, June 18th (Thursday)]

thanks Hikingout, you dont have to respond to my post anymore.

I am disappointed though. I start reading from this forum 3 year ago, registered but has not posted at all because I couldnt find a topic that i see in Reconciliation (I chose to reconcile) that has a WW who dares to tell what they think like you do, doesnt make sense to me but at least say it out loud.

I thought I was appropriate in this post, as my point was that sex was very important to me in reconciliation. Because my wife cannot show me that she wants me in sex (by not initiating it) I keep questioning her true remorse, and it is harder for me to R (she showed that guy she wanted him, went there KNOWING that there would be sex). Somehow it turns to ether Biological Differences between women and men, or I cant change my sex values because that who I am and you have to live with it if you want to reconcile. I did it with other guy and i know i was wrong because thats not who I am, but sorry I cant do it with you either, because thats not who I am. LOL

Sorry Hikingout, it was a lie in my opinion when you said SEX was an escalation, an escalation is something you wouldnt expect, You know it might happen when you chose to start the affair and you WERE long for it, that is why you said you enjoyed the sex with the AP.

Anyway, my point is that SEX is very important in R, and the WS should change their value in sex to give their husband/wife some certainty in life, not just LIVING WITH IT

That's fine. I am not saying I won't respond to you personally, I am just saying that the I can relate forum is a place to ask direct questions of the WS. It's not about the topic, it's considered a thread jack. I am only trying to be considerate of the person who started the thread, it wasn't personally against you.

I just wanted to chime in here and say how much I appreciate this whole thread, which I just happened upon.

I am now about 2 months out from D day, after uncovering that my husband of 20 years spent The last 2 years In fantasy cybersex, pretty much checking out of our marriage and contributing ALOT of money to keep his fantasy world going.

Though he obviously behaved as a duplicitous f-Ing liar, he is at the same time a very introspective and very articulate guy.

I kicked him out a few weeks after Dday. Who knows, but R is not off the table. He has started therapy, and has done all he can to communicate his “whys” to me, as well as his deep remorse, acknowledgement of terrible damage to me, trust, marriage, desire to R His whys sound In many ways much like you have expressed Hiking Out, so it’s helpful to see them so well articulated here by someone else.

But to get back to the sex topic, WH has also said he thinks the initial pull To the sexting was to experience some “kink” “and I don’t even know where that came from.” He has also detailed out what he referred to as “the outsized role sex has always played in my life.” By this he meant constant fantasizing from teenage years on (he’s now 73). He describes these thoughts as pleasurable and an escape from whatever was real in his life, anxiety and depression. And of course he, like many other WHs and WWs would say “it had nothing to do with you or us.”

I would say that sex is, has been, pretty important to both of us over the years, while lacking an intensity that we probably each desired in different ways. So probably neither of us communicated about that well. And now of course we’re both in our early 70s so that factors in.

So I have thought about what our sex life would or could be if we R ed. Perhaps after this disaster we could get to a place of more honesty about each of our needs, sexual and otherwise. Or not.