SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I had an affair for almost 2 years with what I thought an amazing man. At that time I was going through a divorce (a peaceful one) and he helped me to understand that life was wonderful and my life wasn’t ending because my husband didn’t want me anymore. He was married as well (20 years marriage with two kids) and we just felt a very strong connection, not just sexual but emotional. We managed to see each other very often, text every day, call each other and even spending weekends and week nights together. He made me believe that he was going through a hard time in his marriage and they were just roommates staying together for the kids. I even spent some nights at his house when his wife was kn vacation with the kids. We made lots of plans. I moved to a new apartment after my divorce and was waiting just for him to take the steps of separation until I discovered I was pregnant. He freaked out and confessed the affair to his wife after me asking him what we were going to do. He called me one day next to his wife to tell me They wanted me to abort the baby and she was going to forgive him and move on. I was devastated, for two years we built a whole world together, plans made, he met my family, my coworkers, we went to trips together, we loved each other and now what?... I then understood what a big mistake I’ve made believing in a liar and being so stupid. I kept my baby and I’m currently pregnant, he disappeared and I’m sure is very happy with his family. I can’t stop crying and trying to process how to be without him, but my baby has no fault in all of this mess and I need to be accountable for my actions and consequences. I just wish I would’ve been smarter. Thanks for reading!

I am so sorry you have to be here. Unfortunately, people who are married and want to pursue outside relationships WILL lie and scheme because most of them do NOT want to leave their marriages. It rots, and people like you are left spinning in their wake.

Probably the best defense against getting suckered into a situation like that is putting up boundaries and not dating anyone who is still legally married. Lots of people do date while separated, so that makes it easy for married people to pretend.

I would recommend getting into IC (Individual Counseling) with someone good so that you can heal yourself and put yourself in the best possible emotional place for your child.

Your IC can also be a huge help if you determine you wish to pursue the establishment of paternity and child support, which would be a very emotional journey for you.

Cat

Accidentally got pregnant. Seriously? After 2 years of him hiding you from his wife you never suspected. Really? Why did your marriage end?

File for child support and see if wants to share custody. I doubt he will, given how he's apparently attempting to reconcile with his wife. Sounds like they are rug-sweeping, but that really isn't something you should focus on.

I imagine your best course of action moving forward is to prepare to be a single mom, you can expect financial support, but I doubt this guy is willing to be a father to your kid. So I'd prepare for that. Not sure what else there is to say, you did choose this, it's not like he hid he was married.

If you file for child support he may fight for joint custody to avoid paying. Joint is usually standard.

I stopped at the bit where you said you knew he was married, but stopped overnight at his house when his wife was away on vacation with the kids. He was a liar but you wanted to believe him. You had a relationship for 2 years, during which time he and his wife were just room mates???

You I have no idea what is going on in his marriage right now. And the truth is, you never did.

You thought you were special? He was lying to the woman he had loved, and vowed to care for, and had been with for 20 years. You were available. I'm sure that hurts. His actions after his wife found out have proven that.

As said above, file for child support, and he will probably file for joint custody.

You chose to lay down with a married man. You chose to have sex with him in his marital bed. Consequences can be severe.

Amazing men don't cheat on their wives. However,if they do the work on themselves,to become a safe partner, they can become amazing men. For his wife's sake, I hope he does just that.

Hi Other,

I am a WW. I hope you understand that what follows isn't meant as an attack. I was unfaithful and don't have a right to moral superiority. That being said, I think you need to understand some things about how SI is designed to help you.

The role of waywards here is to grapple with what was so broken in us that we betrayed our spouses and/or got involved with married APs. It is not to look for sympathy about how we were played. This doesn't mean that we don't understand how terrible that feels. Many of us have been there. But the simple fact is that by sneaking around with a married man, you knew or should have known the risks. We can't say we're sorry your situation turned out this way, because we advise that outcome every single day. "Call the AP. Tell them to never contact you again. Focus on your betrayed spouse. And start work on what the hell made you think what you were doing was okay."

The wayward brain is a weird mix of self-esteem issues and narcissism. You didn't think you were worth the full attention of an unencumbered partner, but you also thought you were entitled to someone else's husband. That's what you need to focus on. We can help with detaching emotionally and accepting that what you had was never as real as you thought. That's a mindfuck, I know. I can bump a thread called "Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide" for that.

But we won't help you mourn the loss of your beautiful connection or support your view of yourself as a victim. You were a perpetrator, as was he. His wife and family are the victims, as well as your baby.

On that note, I would file for child support. Your baby isn't going to have the love of its biological father, but that father shouldn't escape the financial consequences of his actions. I doubt his wife wants to have his affair child around half the time, if at all. Just don't think you can use that as a way to get back in the affair. All correspondence should be through lawyers only.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:00 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

I’m a BW. My WH lied to a single woman about being married and having children. I do believe she eventually figured out he was married, but didn’t tell him. That’s just some pieces I’ve put together but don’t have any proof of. Anyways, he very much used her for ego kibbles and the occasional sex. Her perception of the relationship was night and day from my husbands. He has blatantly admitted he told her whatever she wanted to hear, so he could get what he was wanting from her. She thought they had some deep meaningful relationship. He has not had one good word to say about her, and that she meant absolutely nothing to him.

I’m saying all that to say, I’m sorry you were used, but you were. It sucks, but you need to take your ownership in it. You knew he was married. It doesn’t matter the state of the marriage, you knew. You can’t go back in time and make different choices, but I hope you learn from this and never allow yourself wind up in this situation ever again.

As a BS I will keep my personal opinions to myself.

I will [for your child's sake] advise you to contact a lawyer and know your child's rights in any and all scenarios.

I know you've been given a lot of good advice about child support and shared custody. But also, find out what your child's rights would be if he wants to legally give up his parental rights. That is an option and you need to know what it would look like for your child's sake.

And especially being pregnant, get tested for STDs. Because you may not have been his only something on the side. He is a proven liar after all. You certainly don't want to unknowingly pass something along to your baby.

theotherone14,

Hi -

I am a WS as well.

I just wanted to say that in the beginning of being here you may not be ready to hear from Betrayed folks. When you originally posted this, you put it under "general" which is a betrayed spouse forum. Because you did that, you didn't get an option to "put up a stop sign" which would mean you would be able to get responses from only other Waywards (cheating parties). You can request one from the Moderator if needed. I just thought this information would be helpful as you learn to use this site.

As for your circumstance, I think you received good help from Brave Sir Robin. Use this site to work introspectively on what led you to these circumstances so you can fix what is broken and not repeat these devastating patterns of behavior.

We have been where you are, and I do understand this is a painful time for you. I just wanted to say welcome, and to provide the tidbit if you aren't quite ready to deal with both sides of the audience. I hope you will continue to post.

But also, find out what your child's rights would be if he wants to legally give up his parental rights. That is an option and you need to know what it would look like for your child's sake.

The MM cannot just relinquish paternity once established. If that were the case, I think we would see scads of folks relinquishing their parental rights due to financial gain.

Relinquishing of parental rights, once established, is rare, and it is most commonly done in cases where there is another individual who is willing to adopt the child in the biological parent's stead. The court can also take away parental rights, but this is generally done in the context of abuse or a condition rendering the parent ill-fit to be a good parent (i.e. drug abuse).

If you do pursue paternity, you need to be prepared. You need an attorney and you need to understand what you can legally expect. He can choose to be uninvolved with the child's life and still pay child support. You will need support as to how to deal with that as the child grows and becomes aware that other children have two parents in their lives. You will also need to be prepared for the MM to perhaps want to have a relationship with this child down the road. That's why I have suggested IC.

The other posters are right: you are and were complicit in the betrayal of this man's wife. You knew he was married, so you're not a victim. However, there is an innocent life involved now and you need to take the steps required to ensure the least amount of impact on one of the true victims: the child.

Cat

People lie in affairs. I mean, the whole thing starts as a lie, a secret, so why do people expect honesty from there? I’ll never understand that. My WH also made big plans for his life with his first AP. You know what he never really planned? To actually leave me. It was all a lie.

This guy sounds like a jerk, bringing you into his home and such to be with you while his family was away. That’s a whole other level of scumbag. However I agree with others in that you’re not a victim. The real victims are the wife and the kids, both theirs and yours.

I would strongly suggest getting an IC for yourself to find out why you were ok with being second string. Not going to suggest child support because that again makes the other real victims, the wife and children you helped to betray, suffer. It’s not just making him suffer. Plus it will in no way guarantee that he wants anything to do with you, if that’s what you’re hoping.

[This message edited by landclark at 7:03 AM, June 12th (Friday)]

Definitely seek legal advice. There is a slim chance that the OM and his wife would go for full custody of your child. I know it sounds far-fetched, but I've seen cases like these. You need to know all of your rights.

I don't want to pile on here - I pretty well agree with the other posts. And I think Landclark makes an interesting point that going for child support will further damage the MM's BW and children. That's pretty heartbreaking.

However, I would add that IC is not just to figure out why you were OK with being second string.... it's also to figure out how you were OK harming another woman and her kids. Even before dday I was confused at how many take the word of a MM who wants into their panties. Just never made any sense to me. After dday, I am astounded at how many women are willing to hurt another woman on the word of a MM she already knows is a liar - esp those who tell themselves they are feminists or care about women's issues/rights. Just how does a woman reconcile those polar opposites? From what I've read on SI from WWs who slept with MM, there is a strong element of power and control - over another woman. A strong element of competition for the MM's attention. As the recipient of that abuse from my WH's AP (and make no mistake about it, from my WH as well), it's even more heartbreaking.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:17 AM, June 12th, 2020 (Friday)]

Just my $0.02 with respect to the child.

This child has a right to know and see their biological father. Perhaps the father may not want to see the child fir the sake of his marriage. Fair enough.

But either way, he needs to be an adult and help provide for the child. Or accept joint custody. He played a major role inn all this and needs to be held accountable.

As painful as it all is, work thru it, stay healthy, have people to talk with.

The OP won't be joining us anymore