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It's being 8 months since D day. At first I didn't feel any anger but it hit me in a big way in the last couple of weeks. As well as that I have been going through a lot of pain shopping. These two things combined is causing a lot of friction between my wife and I, and we both feel that the progress we made is going down the crapper.

How have people delt with the anger and stop pain shopping.

We went through a “regression” phase like that around 6 months. So rough. I was just so angry!! He was getting weary of all the hard work just at the same time I needed it even more. We both were meaner than usual and felt kinda helpless and hopeless.

Reconciliation is super hard even when everyone is doing what they are supposed to. It’s a long process, 2-5 years. It’s easy to reach a point when you feel like you should feel better but you simply don’t. Believe me, I can relate! But it’s ok, it’s still early. Sometimes when things start to go well we feel a weird urge to pain shop to keep from feeling too safe and to keep them from feeling too “off the hook.” Frustratingly, the most effective factor for healing when everything else is in place is the ONE thing we have no control over - time.

I’m only a couple months ahead of you and we are enjoying an upswing at the moment but I know I’ll trip backwards again. Not a matter of if but when and how hard and how it’s handled.

Anger hit me at about 6 months in.. We seemed to get past it a little.. Then during lockdown I did a lot of thinking and it came back with a vengeance.. I am now at 15months from DDay and R is off the table for now.. My wife was NOT a model for R, and now we are paying the price for that.

I think anger months after is perfectly normal.. It is at the point you finally get over the shock and finally realise what your partner did.. How they treated you.. And is a good defense against them possibly slipping at this point.. A reminder that they still have ONE HELL of an uphill climb against them.

Ooft I remember those times and I feel your pain and anger.

Its very natural to come out of hysterical bonding and the shock or denial phase and be hit with anger. And the pain shopping comes hand in hand its like looking for evidence and confirmation and picking the wound to continue justifying the anger.

I learned anger creates that same adrenaline rush that shock causes....it numbs the pain. It is usually a secondary emotion...the first usually still pain. Its a necessary phase to go through. But doesn't necessarily mean you're on the wrong or right path. Sometimes this is where it gets too much. The fear of loss is gone and now you don't like the shit you're left with afterall.

This is where self care came in. It had to be about me and not him or his shitty A. I exercised slept ate well drank well. I stopped micro managing and trying to control him as it doesn't work. I saw a counsellor and I focused on me. It was the single best thing I did. I knew I would survive with or without him. Only at that stage I think did he realise he had to work more on himself or be left behind. Yet him and what he did was no longer my priority. And things gradually eased for both of us...but I've had regressive phases over the years. For different reasons. And I nearly always focus on myself and my boundaries to get through them.

Pain shopping is a hard one. I also think to some extent its necessary to piece together the story. But after that its just self harm. The delightful ow used to post cryptic (well hardly cryptic really) messages aimed at me implying I was being lied to or living a lie etc. There were literally dozens. And I got obsessed over what she meant by them. It took pain shopping to a whole new level. It was all gaslighting designed to be cruel and hurt me. She gets a kick out of that obviously. It was quite empowering when I no longer needed to give her that space and it naturally stopped.

So I'd say avoid social media and lock away evidence if you need to keep it. Don't make it easy to access the painshopping. Block on social media etc. But also don't be hard on yourself when you do go down that rabbit hole it happens just acknowledge that it hasn't benefited you and attempt to find a different outlet next time you feel in that same mood.

I can honestly say I dont look anymore which is great. However she's blocked on my business account and I saw her updated picture is her kicking her leg in the air (clothed albeit) and basically presenting herself in a way which just reinforced the thought I have of her "playful cute...willing to spread legs" I promise one day the pain shopping won't be painful it will just be laughable!

A couple of thoughts ...

8 months out, I doubt that you're pain-shopping. I think you're feeling real pain. Being betrayed hurts much more than virtually anyone realizes. It takes much longer to process than anyone wants it to take.

A rage stage is very common about 6 months out, and I think 8 months is close to 6. What you are going through is probably a normal, painful rage stage. I think it takes time to feel safe enough to feel one's anger.

For me, 'pain shopping' was more about taking this sharp bundle of emotional knives I had inside me out to look at and getting cut in the process. I noticed that eventually the knives dulled and it didn't hurt anymore when I took it out.

Now, I could talk about my wife's affair and not get emotional about it. When it first happened it was like a raw wound that I couldn't help at all.

I've read posts from other posters years and years after the fact where they are still struggling with the emotions of it all, almost as sore ten years later as they were 2.

Meaning that I think what you're doing now with the pain is a healthy response. A part of the grieving process. If you were to do it 8 years later and there wasn't a second instance to reopen the wounds? Maybe not so healthy then.

Hope this helps.

Your healing will not be someone else's and so be patient with yourself. All your good effort is not undone. Keep reminding yourself of your goal and work on healthy communication. Working through the hurt is a long process but you will grow stronger the more you both put in the effort. Anything you do to grow in understanding and building your confidence will help with the anger. Anger is a tool to help us. Don't direct it at others. Ask what you can do to change your life so that you feel better. Give yourself peace and it will push the anger out.

The other person needs to really try hard to build trust and honesty and show gratitude. That helps too.

It's natural to pain shop but don't go there too often. Go forward toward better days. Don't linger in the past too much. I did that, it's a time wasted that keeps you stuck from making progress. Your life is in the future now.

the anger phase usually starts 6 months after D day and it

lasts about 6 months.

has the trickle truth ended?

have you had all of your questions answered?

do you still talk about the affair a lot?

if the answer to the first two are yes then the answer to the 3rd

question should be no.

once you know everything talking constantly about the affair

prevents healing for the both of you. it also prevents the both

of you from creating positive moments repairing the broken

bonds between you and your WW.