SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

100% what The1stWife said.

I want to tell the OM wife about everything but I do not know how to contact her. I would need his info first to be able to get contact information. Any suggestions on how others get that info?

Do you know his name?

[This message edited by squid at 4:03 AM, July 10th, 2020 (Friday)]

The 1stWife’s advice is spot on. A good roadmap for actions to start you on the path out of infidelity.

Your WW has admitted an EA only.......but you KNOW it was PA.

Why is this fact important right now?

Because it proves she is still willing to lie to you.

And it is impossible to R with a WS who continues to believe it is acceptable to lie to and deceive their BS.

Either she stops the lying, or your path should be focused on D.......

And do not deviate from that UNTIL she stops lying.

I appreciate all the feedback and I feel the same as everyone else that is sounding off. I want to tell my wife off about how bad of a person she really is. I want to contact the paramour's wife about the affair and blow up his family like what is happening to mine. I want to file for divorce immediately.

I also want to protect myself though like others have mentioned. To do this I need to strengthen myself like advised in the 180. I cant't escalate things immediately as it will enable an expensive and lengthy divorce. I am trying to keep a level head so I don't get wiped out in divorce and get a bad custody deal. I have way too much to lose.

I do realize now that this was not my fault and that my WS would have done this anyway. I guess I did not know her as well as I thought I did. She has big issues, a loser, a liar and too weak to seek help before stepping out of the marriage for a quick fix. I believe karma will catch up to her.

Has anyone tried this calmer non escalating approach and did it work? I am not asking about reconciliation. I am referring to taking the steps to divorce in a calm, organized and patient manner in the best interest for me and my kids.

You can say this in a very "calm" way: WW since you're refusing to stop seeing your boyfriend I have decided to file for D, I want this to be as amicably as possible for everyone's sake, you've made your decision clear and I'm getting out of the way so that you can be happy and so that I can pursue my own happiness, here's the number to my attorney Mr/Mrs Shark, you will hearing from him/her next week when you get served".

Listen you can hope for a D to be amicable but you have to prepare for War, you're at War and your WW is the enemy, you're in the fight of our life, your children need at least one stable parent right now, that's you, google the best 5 D attorneys in town and do a consult with them, then pick the best one, if your in the USA your WW won't be able to hire any of the other 4 attorneys you didn't hire (conflict of interest). There's no "escalating" you either D or you don't, once you file the process begins and you can delay it and even stop it before it's final if she comes around.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 5:23 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Has anyone tried this calmer non escalating approach and did it work?

Yeah, it comes to a point where you really don’t care about the STBXWW. Why tell her that she has no morality etc... in her mind, she was a victim , her cheating was justified.... and I just didn’t have the energy to waste on her. She can believe whatever she wants.

So I lied... kind of. I just told her that I was sorry that it didn’t work out and maybe we were not meant to be. I got the divorce agreement outside the court and the judge only had to approve it. Besides, when you have kids, for their sake, you try to have the minimum amount of drama.

Karma? I’m happily remarried and have a great life. My XWW couldn’t have a stable relationship; she is alone and believes that “all men are bad”.

Heh.

She was mostly enraged that I had her investigated and told me to stop. She also said she will not stop seeing this person and feels the support from him is justified given how bad our marriage has been.

She's already mad, so if this coworker has a wife, track her down and inform her about the cheating. Typically, what happens is that the WW gets thrown under the bus while the AP scrambles to save his own home deal. And I know, there's a worry among many BS's that the AP will get tossed out of the house and then they end up together, but really, if that's going to happen, it'll happen no matter what you do. Statistics are in your favor though with 60-75% of couples who experience infidelity at least trying for reconciliation.

I do feel like it is my fault for letting the marriage get to this point of there being an an affair.

Nope. Marriages don't cheat. People do. People with a flaw in their character which allows perfidy to be a choice. You could no more make her into a cheater than you could make her into a pistol-whipping mugger. We can't MAKE people choose to do something which is outside their core values. They choose that for themselves, regardless the state of the marriage. And even there, you've only got 50% responsibility, because she has a mouth, she's capable of voicing complaints and insisting upon solutions right up to and including divorce if necessary. NO ONE has a good reason for cheating.

The Romans had a war strategy that involved killing everyone, destroying the city to the last stick of furniture and sowing the ground with salt so nothing could grow again.

I’m seeing a lot of that approach in some of the responses. Let me say this. Since I don’t know about your kids ages or your financial picture I am not going to say that you should hire a pi or move out or demand that she quit her job or shoot herself in the head. What I am going to say is that you should not act out of rage or fear or love or any other emotions. You seem to already have enough sense to have protected your information and not act out of anger to your detriment.

So let me suggest a few things. First, find your zen. Don’t engage her, don’t fight with her, don’t demand any info. You have what you need. Play it cool. Your kids need that.

Second. Do not under any circumstances engage in mc. Right now, it serves no purpose. It will only enable her to find a platform to vent against you.

Third, without asking or telling or explaining, find and speak to the wife. In this day and age it isn’t that hard. Get her involved

Talk to a lawyer Monday, set an appointment and figure out a way out of this hell. It all comes down to 4 things. Assets, debts, custody and support. Everything else is nuance. The judge doesn’t care that she is a ho. The judge just wants to keep the paper flowing. The sooner you get that simple fact, the sooner you will find peace with the process. Is she gonna fight for everything? Of course. It is human nature. Does it matter who gets the crap in the garage? No. The more philosophical about this, the better.

Will she suddenly get honest, fall at your feet, And work toward R. Probably not. See me if she does.

Do you want to R with this ho? Really? If so, let’s talk more. But trying to get a complete turnaround right now when she loves her boy toy is a complete waste of time.

Don’t talk to her about your plans. Do them. She is not your partner in this endeavor.

What’s the divorce rate in this country? 50 percent? That means millions of people just like you have gotten through to the other side. You can and you will.

Will she wake up? Get it? Who knows. But keep this in mind. Just because you love someone does not mean that they are fixable. And it does not mean they get to shit on you.

So show your kids you are a man that’s a rock. Keep your chill. Stop the fighting. And act. Just fucking act to preserve who you are, what you own and keep your dignity.

Anything else is a waste of time, energy, money and your mental and emotional health. Just start rambling, rambler.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 6:57 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Hi GetGo, sorry you are here.

The hardest part about all of this bullshit is having to reorient yourself towards your cheating wife. She isn't the person you thought she was. The person you married was partly a fiction. She was acting like a good person and you believed the act. But it was a performance and you were fooled. The sooner you come to grips with this, the easier things become. Because you will start reframing your feelings towards her and rage and shame will gradually convert to grief and resolve. You'll start replacing the thought that you don't want your family broken up with the thought that you are going to stand up for yourself and your children and ensure you move through this tragedy in the best manner possible.

Part of the 180 is about redirecting your attention away from your wife. Part is also about directing your thoughts towards the things YOU control. A lot of the advice given is about what your WW should do to repair your marriage, it's the conditions you should set to consider reconciliation. But you do not control her and you do not control reconciliation. So don't plan on it. Make plans that are 100% in your control.

Taking R off the table right now is a great strategy, it helps you focus on taking control of the end of the marriage rather than being victimized by her destroying it. You see the lawyers, you file for D, you begin separating all the financial connections and assembling the resources you will need for your new life and for your kids. You get bolder and stronger as you do this. You get centered. You get your self esteem back.

You can hold a tiny candle of hope that she pulls her head out of her ass, but you keep that candle completely hidden for now. NOTHING you do in moving towards your divorce cannot be undone. You can even get a divorce and then later on if she fixes what's broken inside her, you will see it as she parents your kids. You can decide to try again with an all new marriage down the road. But you don't have to tell her this option might be available to her now or in the near future or ever. Keep it quiet, keep it to yourself, and mostly, keep it out of your mind.

She's unremorseful and still cheating. Proceed accordingly to get yourself the most favorable divorce terms possible, and also to protect your finances from her squandering them. She's probably already spent marital funds on this guy, so you are well within your rights to remove half of all joint assets from joint accounts and put the money in accounts in your name only. You are also within your rights to remove her access to any of your sole property to protect it from her. Put a credit alert on your credit file so she can't open new accounts under your name.

Also, if it hasn't already been mentioned, get a couple of VARs and keep one on your person at all times. It is not uncommon for cheating angry spouses to call 911 screaming that you've attacked and then press false domestic violence charges against you. Put the other one in her car because if she does this she will probably talk about it on the phone when she next gets in the car. This seriously could prevent you from protecting your children, so do this no matter what you think she is or isn't capable of right now.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 8:04 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

I'm sorry you're here. This place has 10's of thousands of BS's. The depth of the collective wisdom here is immense. You're going to hear a lot of things you don't like. That hurt. But you have to remember EVERYONE who is able to comment on your thread has been through what you're going through. You already have several of the wisest people here commenting, Bigger, The1stWife among others. Many more will come and read...ponder upon what you have said and comment or offer advice.

Take what you can use, and disregard the rest. OTH, this is some VERY wise advice:

The1stWife

♀ Member

Member # 58832

Default Posted: 4:49 AM, July 10th (Friday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are giving your cheating wife all the power in your marriage. I made the same mistake. I survived it for 6 months.

While I thought we were reconciling my H re-started the affair so I was unfortunately subjected to another dday. You know, the day you find out your spouse is cheating or continuing to cheat.

I suggest the following b/c this worked for me and restored all the power in my marriage. None of this will be done to end the affair— b/c that won’t happen unless your cheating wife decides to end it. But it will get you out of living with the infidelity being thrown in your face. So here goes.

1. 🛑 stop funding her affair. Stop paying her bills if you can. If you have joint credit cards - cancel them. Open up accounts in your name alone. Start separating your finances.

2. 🛑 stop putting your paycheck in a joint account. Open up your own account in your name alone. Start depositing your paycheck there.

3. Get copies of all financial records including her 401k retirement account , tax returns, insurance policies etc. and put them in a safe place. Just in case.

4. Consult with an attorney or two or five. Know your rights. Understand what D will look like.

5. Start hoarding $ just in case

6. Get an STD check just to be sure

7. She’s still seeing OM? then she’s putting your family in a serious health risk right now with Covid-19. Unfair and unacceptable. That must be addressed immediately.

8. You need to stop being afraid of her. She now needs to be afraid of you. She has control if the situation and is treating you like a doormat sad to say. Her affair will continue b/c she counts on you doing nothing or very little to exert your power.

9. Have a place for your wife to go whether it’s a family member or friend. You need to make that call in advance of the discussion.

Once your ducks are in a row - you do the 180. Read up on it in the healing library. Upper left corner here at SI. She won’t like it. But it’s about taking your power back. It’s nit about getting her to like the consequences.

I would implement the 180 RIGHT NOW. Here's a link to understanding what that means.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

It's a way of centering yourself and containing your feelings so you can regain control of your marriage and take control of your life. It works. If you start, I GUA RON TEE! That you'll see a difference in how your wife reacts to you. Stop doing the pick me dance, it always fails as it makes you look weak...and Waywards pick up on that quickly.

I do recognize all the knowledge on this forum coming from real life stories of betrayal. Believe me I am angry and hurting from this experience.

I know others on this forum are hurt and angry from having similar experiences. My sense is that some will carry that anger and hurt with them forever and maybe for good reason. I don't expect it will ever leave me completely. I do want to heal from this though in the best way possible. It may sound weak to some but I want to understand why the affair happened, get closure and move on. I don't think blowing up the affair, going after the other person and his wife and shredding my wife will help me get past this. Maybe it would give me immediate satisfaction but not really help in the long run. At some point I will need to forgive my wife or the anger will eat away at me for the rest of my life.

I have contacted several lawyers and understand from them what my best path forward will be to protect myself and assets. I also meet with a therapist weekly to help sort things out in my head.

My approach to all of this stuff is for the best interest of me and my kids only.

The advice you have been given by a number of knowledgeable posters is SOP for getting yourself out of an infidelity situation and into a healing situation.

These steps include demanding NC, contacting the OBS, demanding a written timeline, demanding an STD panel, demanding a polygraph, demanding IC, filing for divorce if necessary, informing a spouse’s HR, putting a VAR on yourself and in her car, and more. These aren’t vindictive recommendations. They are common sense steps to protect you and get you into a place where your wife might become remorseful, reconciliation might become possible, and further damage won’t be done.

The posters here have also repeatedly seen the pattern you are exhibiting, which gently doesn’t work out very well. It’s a little bit like alcoholics trying to tell a drunk what it really takes to achieve sobriety, and he won’t listen because he isn’t ready to be sober.

If you want to heal there’s really only one way thru it and that’s with full truth, full transparency, and a truly remorseful wife who has ended her infidelity and is 100 percent committed to healing you - understanding that it will take years and relentless hard work on her part to do this. And even then there’s no guarantee and many many betrayed spouses still decide it is a dealbreaker.

Many, many wayward spouses are simply not up for the truth, transparency, stop screwing around and sign up for hard work formula — because they are deeply selfish people, which is why they committed adultery in the first place. Some WW’s are up for it and you can read about some of them here. Many, many betrayed spouses never work up the courage to own their power and demand change. In either case, or both, healing isn’t possible and neither is reconciliation.

The marriage may limp along in a dessicated half life or simply run out of gas. Think it over. I wish you the best or luck but the Mr Nice Guy pick me dance routine is typically far more painful and ultimately disastrous than the rip the band aid off approach.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:37 AM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

It may sound weak to some but I want to understand why the affair happened, get closure and move on.

Here's the thing. You are searching for the reason here in the marriage and really what that will lead to is looking to what you could have done to "affair-proof" the marriage. You won't find that in your actions unless you include picking a partner that thinks that having an Affair is how you deal with your unhappiness. There is no answer to be found within the marriage. If you let yourself go down this path it is certain that your WW will happily go right along and point out all of your shortcomings which made it completely justified for her to find an AP. This takes all of the onus off of her to look inward.

You want to improve from this experience? Fine do that but don't shoulder the blame for something that is not your fault. If you really want to look at yourself try to figure out what is wrong with your picker that allowed you to select this woman as your life partner.

As far as telling the OBS (that is the OM"s wife) I think you are also missing the point. It is not for revenge, it is not to shred your WW as you say. It is the decent and human thing to do. This woman is going through her life right now unaware most likely of the reality of her life. You know more about her life than she does. That's just not fair. She is most likely suffering in that she knows there is something wrong with her marriage. It is almost impossible for an Affair to go on for any length of time where the BS does not sense a loss of intimacy with the Wayward. She is probably going through that and probably trying to find what she is doing wrong to push her husband away. Why let this woman go through this when you know the truth? It is not revenge on your WW or the OM. It is a kindness to this woman.

I don't think blowing up the affair, going after the other person and his wife and shredding my wife will help me get past this.

Your WW and the OM shouldn't be a concern. But what about OM's partner? She may very well be in the dark that her husband is cheating on her. Put yourself in her position. How would you feel if there was someone out there who had known about your wife's affair and kept that information from you for whatever reason? You wouldn't appreciate it too much, especially if that person were a friend or family member. Even though you don't know this woman, there is a moral and ethical consideration here.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:40 AM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

I know others on this forum are hurt and angry from having similar experiences. My sense is that some will carry that anger and hurt with them forever and maybe for good reason.

This is a very common reaction almost word for word from many BH’s who come here for the first time in shock and pain. Gently let me suggest to you that this site leans toward reconciliation. It is what most people here want. So if you think it’s a bunch of bitter people pushing you pell mell toward divorce, you’ve got it wrong.

But while this site leans toward reconciliation, it is also populated mostly with hard-eyed realists who have seen the cheater’s handbook and know how these situations play out. While reconciliation is to be devoutly wished for, that is only possible if YOU SURVIVE INFIDELITY psychically and spiritually intact and are not a complete emotional and mental wreck at the end of it.

And it is ONLY possible with a remorseful spouse.

The pick me dance “I just want this to be over” waking on eggshells path will not get you where you want to be. Please listen to what people are telling you here.

You want to improve from this experience? Fine do that but don't shoulder the blame for something that is not your fault. If you really want to look at yourself try to figure out what is wrong with your picker that allowed you to select this woman as your life partner.

This a thousand times. You won’t improve yourself by swallowing a shit sandwich of emasculation and by tolerating abuse and what is basically a form of rape by your wife. Yes, that’s right: your wife has essentially raped you by sleeping with another man and forcing you against your will to participate in a cuckolding threesome. It’s very sick. I’m sorry to state it in such harsh terms but that’s the only way to really come to grips with the truth of the situation.

You can improve yourself by owning your power and asserting your autonomy as a human being worthy of respect and honor.

Read The Way of the Superior Man.

My sense is that some will carry that anger and hurt with them forever and maybe for good reason. I don't expect it will ever leave me completely.

This is a big, fat myth. Read around and you will see that people get over the anger and hurt all the time. It's been close to a decade since I was living in infidelity and honestly, I almost never think about it. I don't have an emotional reaction over it. It feels like a bad chapter to the book of my life than ended an eon ago. Did you ever have a bad experience as a kid and do you still carry that anger and hurt today? I'd hope not otherwise you need IC.

I do want to heal from this though in the best way possible. It may sound weak to some but I want to understand why the affair happened, get closure and move on.

Chances are you will never fully understand how the affair happened, the full story of the affair, or what your STBX was thinking at the time. You might understand it a little if you R but even then it's unlikely. The only take away you really need is that it's not your fault and that the choice to cheat was born from a place of selfishness in your WS. Perhaps that was selfishness justified by common and fixable problems in your relationship or perhaps she just wanted more like a multimillionaire dreaming about being a billionaire.

You also don't need closure to move on. People move on without closure every day. What's going to matter is your mind processing the event, understanding your position in it, and taking away some good lessons from it. That could be red flag behavior your WS displayed before the infidelity. It could be standing up from yourself and doing a better job of setting boundaries. It could be a lot of different things. But you don't need to understand the intricacies of your STBX's mind in order to move on from it.

I don't think blowing up the affair, going after the other person and his wife and shredding my wife will help me get past this.

When it comes to OBS, it's not really just about you. She's a fellow person experiencing what you're experiencing despite being unaware. She too has suspicions and is being gaslit over them. She too is feeling uneasy and crazy over it. She too is having her health being risked because who really knows who else the OM or your STBX is sleeping with and what STDs they could be bringing into the mix. HPV can cause aggressive cervical cancer and she could die from it without even knowing she had it because OBGYNs do not test regularly for women who believe they are in a monogamous marriage. It has happened to members here and who were lucky enough to survive the ordeal. Is your misplaced feelings over myths like lifelong baggage and needing closure worth more than her life? Is it worth more than her health? Is it worth more than her sanity? Or do you just don't want the hassle of informing her because it takes effort and bravery that you don't want to spend?

[This message edited by nekonamida at 11:00 AM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

HPV can cause aggressive cervical cancer and she could die from it without even knowing she had it because OBGYNs do not test regularly for women who believe they are in a monogamous marriage.

This is NOT hyperbole. This is real.

Metaphysically, whether you like it or not, you are ethically obligated to inform the OBS. That’s on you. I know it’s a burden. But you need to do it, otherwise you won’t be able to face yourself in the mirror.

My wife and I have both worked full time while raising 2 children. We are very compatible, have similar interests and agree on most things.

Getgo

You’re a nice stable guy that she depends upon to help take care of the kids. The OM is on his best behavior, hanging on her every word to get into her pants. He’s new and very motivated. No long term husband can compete with that.

Your wife may have been feeling guilty but it was so much fun having two men providing her needs that she suppressed the guilt. That’s why she reacted so poorly when you called her out. The suppression stopped working. Plus her great life was now threatened.

Think about it. Every time you were a jerk it made her feel good because it validated her affair. Every time you were nice it made her feel guilty and bad. That’s a no win situation.

Think of yourself as a dad and your wife as your teenage daughter. She depends on you for boring day to day support. The OM is her exciting boyfriend that you don’t approve of so she sneaks out of her bedroom window to see him.

The OM is married so, like a teenage boy friend, he will never be able to supply stability. As the dad your value is the stability you provide. That’s your leverage. Divorce must be on the table even if you never intend to do it.

Now your history of reliability is working against you. She is taking you and what you provide for granted. She will never value you until she considers life without you and what you provide.

Also by going straight to the “pick me dance” you’re saying that the affair is no big deal.

What if you robbed a bank and were caught by the police. Then the bank guard that you punched never mentions jail time. The judge never mentions jail time. The people most impacted by bank robbing apparently think that it isn't that bad.

Why would you stop robbing banks? Robbing banks is exciting and profitable.

Bottom line you need to at least go through the motions of divorce. Separate bank accounts. Get a fee consult from some lawyers. Let your wife know what you’re doing. Maybe that will wake her up as to what a good guy you are.

The following is a post from another forum:

Just wanted to update everyone. As many of you had predicted it finally happened. I filed for divorce two week ago and the floodgates opened. Gifts being left at my door, numerous text, phone calls with messages saying she loves me and wants me back, misses Me. She is telling our friends she wants to get back together.

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:28 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

Michigan nailed it.