SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Breathe. Just take a deep breath and be still for a minute. You’ve got time so take time. My husband and I need to downsize but every time we talk about it I go into a panic. We’ve accumulated a marriage worth of stuff. What do we do with it all? On top of that notifying every single entity about change of address, change of credit cards, all thatStuff that has to be taken care of. It’s perfectly understandable that you want to take your time. Trying to divide up the family is it painful enough but trying to divide if all the stuff is maddening. Just be still and take a deep breath. Talk to an attorney and get your finances straightened out before you do anything else. If you are having trouble sleeping see a doctor. There is no shame in using some medication to get through this horror. You are grieving the death of a marriage.

Just a reminder that you can forgive her and also love her - but still decide to divorce.

Exposure isn't meant for revenge. Yes, it's intended to break up the affair. If your desire is to R, then it's necessary.

But even if you want to D, exposure is necessary simply because what they are doing is wrong. Your family is about to be destroyed and the OBS marriage is about to be destroyed. Only she doesn't know it.

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do. Yes, there may be a lot of collateral damage. But such are the consequences of their choices.

Stop trying to control the outcome. Stay in your lane and focus on what you can control. Your choices, your actions. The things that protect you and your kids the best.

She's reading your softball approach as you not being serious about D. As such, she will continue this disrespect until you pull the trigger.

Good luck.

Thanks for the continued replies. Your posts are very smart and valuable I know what you are advising is right and will probably value even more once I am out of the fog.

I am mentioning that I am not sure if the guy my wife is cheating with is married or single. I need to follow him home to get more info. If married I will find his wife and inform her.

Has anyone in this position shared details with friends and family? If so do you regret or recommend? I for one have only told a distant friend about the affair. I want to tell my family I may have picked the wrong wife to tip them off of possible split but not mention affair. Any advice on that?

Yes I shared with friends and family and no I don’t regret it.

Our couples friends DO NOT know because it will pretty much end said friendships. Most married couples are uncomfortable around infidelity and see it as a virus.

My personal friends and some of my co workers DO know — and They have provided a much needed base of support for me over the past four years. It’s also been a good learning experience for them. One said, “after seeing what you’ve been thru I would never commit infidelity and I know what to do if it happens to me. I also understand now how traumatic it is.”

Her sister and my MIL know. I told my MIL and my WW’s sister immediately and that’s one thing I got right early on. Telling her family exposes the affair to the light of day and implodes the fantasy quickly.

My direct family DOES NOT know.

I would recommend exposing it to her family but not yours. And you need to do this quickly. Don’t dilly dally.

This is just cold hard logic: if you decide to R, telling your family makes R more difficult as they will likely oppose R. You can always make the circumstances clear to your family if you decide to follow thru with divorce. So there’s no emergency there.

However telling HER family removes her ability to spin more lies and gaslight you, and takes away a crutch of support that will continue to enable her fantasy world.

Cheaters need to see their fantasy world implode so they can start coping with the ugly reality of what they have done.

Now, that said, be prepared for her family to circle the wagons. This doesn’t mean they will condone what she has done, but they also may not support you. That’s OK. If it was your child, you would do the same thing.

Also your WW will be very angry and resentful about this. Again be prepared and who cares? She created this shitshow so she gets to deal with the drama.

Tell her family. Now.

And tell friends of yours you judge who will help and support you thru this.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:04 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

I need to follow him home to get more info. If married I will find his wife and inform her.

You don't likely need to do that. Some light Internet stalking can find him on social media if you know his name and from there you can do some searches on Facebook, Insta, etc. and just Google his name and location. You'd be surprised what you can find out about someone on-line.

getgo,

I want to tell my family I may have picked the wrong wife to tip them off of possible split but not mention affair. Any advice on that?

...the more you have battling in your corner the better. But,,, be prepared to elaborate on it. They will most likely want to dig more out of you. Have you consulted a lawyer yet?

Brother, can you try a PI, just don’t want a stalking or AVO order taken out on you.

Are you trying to do the 180, due to her refusal to stop engaging with her AP. You can’t keep being a door mat.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:40 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

I let everyone know for two reasons

1). I knew my kids and were going to Need their support in the upcoming months. And did they ever step up!!

2). I refused to let her rewrite history. I refused to let her warp the history of our relationship into something where she was the long struggling victIm that endured year after year of hardship because of me.

My advice.... tell everyone.

Pretty obvious your cheating wife does not value you or your support. She refuses to stop contact with POS... this is a telling sign that she has no respect nor does she fear any consequences... have you let her get away with much over your lifetime with her? The tone in your words suggest this but i could be wrong. Why wont you mention the affair to your family?

Right now you need to keep calm and play your hand cautiously about her. She does not want to split because she wants to have the security blanket she has with you but also keep the excitement of the POS. (She is weighing up her options... that's right! you are "an option") All the talk about not wanting to split.. this is merely delaying tactics so she can toss the proverbial coin and take her pick)

Think about you now. As disheartening as it seems, you will get back on track and if you are lucky, be rid of her as a wife!

[This message edited by VinST at 11:18 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

She is weighing up her options... that's right! you are "an option"

Or getting her ducks in a row before she moves on..

Brother... Have her for lunch before she has you for dinner!

Blow up her affair, find this guy and file and get her served show her you mean business, end her fantasy and take control, there is nothing much you can do, you can't force her to do any thing she doesn't want.

You don't have a magic wand to switch her feeling for this man, nor to force her to respect you. Your only option is to show strength and take control of you life, it might just play in your favour but who knows!

I would advice you to do the 180 (https://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp) on her hard, show her you are not a doormat nor will you except being a spinless man while she rubs the affair in your face every day at home.

There is a general rule I use: If my spouse didn't care about my feeling and disrespected me by continuing what they do then I know they are checked out.. I move on to the offensive front, and take charge and claim my life back.

Trust me it works!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 4:20 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

I now have enough mounting evidence to tell my wife I will be divorcing her. I expect to tell her in the next couple days. I don't expect her to be upset or feel guilty about cheating. She feels it was necessary and justified to get out of a longtime loveless marriage and that is how she will explain it to everyone. She will most likely move on with her affair partner that she met at work. They both hold senior positions and make good income so life ahead together looks pretty rosy in their eyes.

My wife has been at the higher level and income for only the last few years.

I like and agree with the 180 and have been trying to keep up with it. I know this affair is not my fault but I can't help but feel so much shame right now. I am being abandoned for a much more successful mate, that is younger and who will eventually step into my role as step dad to my 2 daughters. Both under the age of 12 they are still very impressionable. I will love them as much as I can but may not be able to provide as well as the parents in their new life. This all feels very shameful to admit to my family and friends. This is a tough pill to swallow and will be a rough recovery for me.

I still don't have the name of the affair partner but will be doing more investigative work. I am not sure but have a gut feeling he may be single or divorced.

I’m sorry it has to come to this but it appears to be your only Choice as she is still cheating.

Don’t be surprised if the affair suddenly ends at the time the other man finds out your wife is going to be single. Many times the affair only lasts because the affair partner is unavailable.

The only way the affair would end is if he ends it.

They both seem to be invested in this relationship, my wife especially.

getgo:

I am sorry it has come to this, but she has left you no choice. Always value yourself. You deserve so much better. And, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were in the same M and you didn’t cheat. There are no perfect M’s. Every M has issues. Your WW lacked the intestinal fortitude, integrity and commitment to try and work out your marital problems. If the M was so terrible for her she could have simply asked for separation or D. That would have been the right thing to do if she could not work on the issues with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Hold your head up. The best revenge is a life well lived. Never worry about what happens to your WW and her AP in the future. They will be in your rear view mirror. Focus on the road ahead freed from a liar and a cheater. Keep no contact as much as possible. Get the best separation agreement and custody arrangement you can. Good luck.

I like and agree with the 180 and have been trying to keep up with it. I know this affair is not my fault but I can't help but feel so much shame right now. I am being abandoned for a much more successful mate, that is younger and who will eventually step into my role as step dad to my 2 daughters.

They both seem to be invested in this relationship, my wife especially.

Getgo, don't be so sure about that, may be he wanted someone on the side nothing more, most affairs are like that, they never wanted it full time, just something to have fun, a fantasy, they never intend to build a new family with extra kids.

So even if he ends things, you now know your value and worth to her: she doesn't value you or care about you.

That shame you feel should turn into anger and revenge!

The revenge is YOU by being a better man, promise your self to work hard on YOU, and to become a better man, work on your career, extra training/courses, hunt for better job/salary, work on your self, groom your self to be a hot man for future dating, go to the gym, exercise every day, eat healthy, go on a diet if you need to lose weight, dress your best and go out (a lot) with friends or even alone come home late and happy and smiling, don't tell her where you've been or with who or what you did, just say you had a great day, don't drink (drop this shit).

You are young so you should have some goals set already, if you don't, then that will explains why you might have problems in your life, so make some and work on it!

After her affair it's none of her business what you do, continue the 180 hard, but be polite, civil and calm she is still the mother of your children, but be firm, confidant and decisive, you need to show her that you don't need her to be happy, show her what she will be missing.

She feels it was necessary and justified to get out of a longtime loveless marriage and that is how she will explain it to everyone

True, but people will not except and swallow the cheating bit easily!

She could have handled this way better by asking for divorce and went on to build the life she wanted, but she didn't, she cheating and started monkey branching, she lacked integrity and morals!

That is why exposing the affair to all family and friends before you tell her you will divorce is extremely important so she doesn't rewrite your marriage history. It's not just her that was in the M, your were there, and guess what?! you didn't cheat!

One of the plane engines is burning, you are the captain, there is no time or room for self pity or sitting in a corner and crying, no room for fear, you have to know what to do and what your're doing to land the plane to safety and save every one including your self.

Keep coming here here and vent, you need that, you will get good advice for your next steps!

You deserve so much better, but you need to see that!

Now start working on Getgo 2.0

[This message edited by Kaliber at 5:20 AM, July 17th (Friday)]

GetGo - Just a heads up that karma has a tendency to balance things out.

Your WW and her AP will most likely be figured out at their work place at some time. This will add pressure, either for them to not collaborate or to not ever be in a position of one having authority over the other. Working with your spouse is tough. You have an issue at home, then take it to the office. Vice Versa.

If they are both willing to cheat, then they have poor morals and will cheat on each other at some time as well. So they most likely will sabotage this relationship eventually.

So, don't expect this guy to replace you in a great way. I rarely hear of cheating spouses finding their great love. It is grass is greener where you water it. If you can't be an adult in your marriage, you are doomed to never do well in marriage.

Good luck, and realize money isn't everything to kids.

now have enough mounting evidence to tell my wife I will be divorcing her. I expect to tell her in the next couple days.

Don’t tell. Just DO.

File on her and have her served at work. Telegraphing won’t shock and awe her.

Also go for alimony. Hard. If she makes more than you, you will likely get it.

I just told me mother-in-law about my wife's cheating. I told her I understand you will always stand behind your daughter. That your daughter will tell you I am a terrible husband and she had no choice but to stray. To my surprise my MIL said don't expect that we will always side with our daughter. We have values and believe cheating is wrong and if she is doing so we will tell her she is wrong. She was also surprised and never expected this of her daughter.

She told me not to quit on this marriage and still try to work on things. Coming from my MIL she is thinking of the kids and family. I already know the reality is that this is not fixable.

She told me not to quit on this marriage and still try to work on things. Coming from my MIL she is thinking of the kids and family. I already know the reality is that this is not fixable.

Nice MIL :)

Does she know that your WW doesn't want to stop contacting the AP?

Does she know her daughter said this:

she will not stop seeing this person and feels the support from him is justified given how bad our marriage has been.

[This message edited by Kaliber at 1:34 PM, July 17th (Friday)]