SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been meaning to ask this question for some time, but it keeps leaking out of my trauma brain, and so in keep forgetting. It pops back into my mind every time I read posts about sexual acts that the WW did with her AP. Yes, I know that there is a place for this in I Can Relate, but I don't find the format conducive to delving into a single question. Rather, there is a weaving of Q&A and responses seem to get disconnected from questions and in the end, forgotten.

So here I am posting a question to both BHs and WWs. There is a theory out there that most of us are familiar with, namely the madonna/whore complex which applies to men. Is there a female equivalent of this? I've read that many BHs are quite put out that they have wanted to be more adventuresome un the bedroom, only to have their wives rebuff them. Then they find out that their WWs did all that stuff with their APs. As a BS, what is your take on this? As a WW, what are your feelings?

To put it into more perspective, my STBXWW always was concerned about me being well groomed before sex, something I was more than happy to do. You know, courtesy wash and all. Yet she was quite happy to shove some random petri dish into her mouth in some non discript parking lot on a whim. Thoughts?

Isn't this practically the same question as the "limited menu BS/full menu AP" thread poses?

The Madonna/whore phenomenon with respect to WW cheating is pretty well documented. My anecdotal observation is that it seems especially common and/or acute where the cheating woman professes to adhere to some version of strict religion, but not always.

Not sure we need a third thread about this stuff...

Maybe I did not Expressuself properly, which is par for the course. Do WWs look at their husbands as the Male equivalent of Madonnas? Do they see them as too pure or good to try any of the stuff with them? Rather, do they gravitate towards dirty bad boys instead in order to meet some deep need?

I think WWs view their husband as second choice, inferior to their AP. I doubt they have their husbands on some purity pedestal. I think they are just not into their husbands sexually, so they do the bare minimum. They think of their husbands as useful chumps, put on this earth to provide financially and to subsidize their cheating.

Skywalker/ Solo complex?

Sleeplessincali, I think you need to copyright that. Great way of putting it. I also like the idea of useful chump. I remember reading about infidelity in birds. With on particular species, the mate was often not the biological parent. Rather, the qualities that made him a good father did not make him a desirable sexual or reproductive partner. Are we all doomed?

My anecdotal observation is that it seems especially common and/or acute where the cheating woman professes to adhere to some version of strict religion, but not always.

Certainly fits my experience. Wife was "very religious". In quotes, because, come on, what does that even mean when you cheat with someone who's basic pick up line is "God wants us to be together" and then lots of scripture as the follow up. To justify an affair.

Anyway, enough about that mess, yes, I would think that this is something "repressed" in many people by religion. I think women are more impacted by it then men because they are more the gatekeepers of sex, they have to make the decisions about what/when/where/etc.

I've been an atheist for most of my life. And I think that was pretty much burned in by the details of the affair. There are a lot of great religious people in my life, and I respect them greatly, but.. That's a dealbreaker for me now if I were to D and date again. It's just too painful a thing for me to ever invite into my life again.

Skywalker/ Solo complex?

Yep that's awesome!!!

I'm not a ww but I see wh as a Skywalker with me while he was a Solo with his APs.

Yes,

I agree. I think my WH enjoyed the slutty APs While having the girl he could take home to Mom (me) at home

Do WWs look at their husbands as the Male equivalent of Madonnas?

No. I think some WW's feel social, familial, and/or religious pressure to behave as some sort of Madonna in the context of their relationship with their husbands, when deep down inside they would rather be more adventurous sexually.

I think WWs view their husband as second choice, inferior to their AP. I doubt they have their husbands on some purity pedestal. I think they are just not into their husbands sexually, so they do the bare minimum. They think of their husbands as useful chumps, put on this earth to provide financially and to subsidize their cheating.

Do you think this sort of thing is also true for the wh.

I think WWs view their husband as second choice, inferior to their AP. I doubt they have their husbands on some purity pedestal. I think they are just not into their husbands sexually, so they do the bare minimum. They think of their husbands as useful chumps, put on this earth to provide financially and to subsidize their cheating.

I agree, but I'll add in that I think they think that way WHILE IN THE AFFAIR. I think most, once they've pulled their head out of their ass and realize what they've done, they no longer think like that and are appalled that they ever did.

WHes...idk wtf they're thinking. I stay out of the BW threads bc I'll wind up getting banned if I go there for being to harsh on the WH.

WHes...idk wtf they're thinking. I stay out of the BW threads bc I'll wind up getting ba

I just got curious when I read the Skywalker solo comparison. Got me thinking.

I think the WS, male or female, is not really thinking about their spouse at all when they engage in the affair acts.

This is about them, in their head, their perceptions of themselves, and feeding their internal thoughts.

I agree with standinghere, or at least that is what I believe to be true with my ex.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:56 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

I think the WS, male or female, is not really thinking about their spouse at all when they engage in the affair acts.

This is about them, in their head, their perceptions of themselves, and feeding their internal thoughts.

Good point.

Skywalker / solo applies to me.. My WW and I had talked about things like rougher sex etc.. But anytime we tried she would come up with excuses.. I am being too timid (no matter what I did) .. Doesnt feel right.. Not in the mood suddenly.. I kept trying until it got to the point I was pushed away at every occasion.. She told me I loved her too much to treat her like that.. And she couldn't see me a that sort of sexual "user"

Then with the AP she allowed it all.. Hair pulling..rough oral etc.. All things I'd tried and been stopped by her from..

She obviously saw me as the good guy in her life.. And probably didn't want to see me as the bad guy.. So went elsewhere for that fix..

Skywalker / solo applies to me.. My WW and I had talked about things like rougher sex etc.. But anytime we tried she would come up with excuses.. I am being too timid (no matter what I did) .. Doesnt feel right.. Not in the mood suddenly.. I kept trying until it got to the point I was pushed away at every occasion.. She told me I loved her too much to treat her like that.. And she couldn't see me a that sort of sexual "user"

Then with the AP she allowed it all.. Hair pulling..rough oral etc.. All things I'd tried and been stopped by her from..

She obviously saw me as the good guy in her life.. And probably didn't want to see me as the bad guy.. So went elsewhere for that fix..