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I have no advice. I just want you you to know there is an old lady on the East Coast who is holding you in the *****light*****

Just because the child is a minor, doesn't mean her parents get to sit in on the session. It also doesn't mean the therapist will give the parent any information about the session.

She is the patient,not the parent. And most therapists will not divulge what is being said during their session. Unless the child is at risk of harming themselves, or others.

I'm not sure what your point is. barcher is doing this already vis-à-vis his DD's therapy appts.

Therapist is the one who suggested an appt with a psychiatrist. Clearly the parents MIGHT need to be involved. And NPDSTBXWW went and discussed with the psychiatrist and barcher was obstructed from doing so by NPDSTBXWW.

If a person - any person - might be of the opinion that DD has Asperger's, that would be something to follow up on. Especially if the person has some experience in the area (ie, gf). Not to do so could be considered as negligence.

If a child is recommended to have testing for Asperger's, obviously it is the parents that need to be in communication with the professional involved in the testing. And if DD does in fact turn out to have Asperger's, obviously gf would have to know because she would (possibly, if not already) need to be coached or educated in how to interact with DD. This is not a violation of HIPAA nor a violation of DD's privacy. It is rather an attempt to improve the quality of DD's life. How could that be wrong??

I truly don't understand why several of you are either implying or stating outright that barcher is over-sharing DD's medical info. It is obvious to all the adults that DD is going to therapy, and none of the adults knows anything about what happens in those sessions unless DD chooses to share. Which, according to my understanding, she does not. At least on barcher's side, idk about NPDSTBXWW.

So lay off already!!! I think we can trust that barcher is concerned about his DD and is trying to act in her best interest. And that he is not snooping in on DD's therapy nor violating her privacy.

Oh, and one last thing: an almost 2 year relationship is not 'a few months', so don't trivialize it. People have gotten married in less time.

((((barcher))))

[This message edited by ZenMumWalking at 12:40 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

I happen to agree with you, Zen. My comments were aimed at Poppy. Who, as usual, has jumped at what she views as an opportunity to shame a BS.

Of course, if the child is diagnosed with Aspergers, the parents will be informed. But a lot more will come out in those therapy sessions, than simply a diagnosis. And,again, unless the teenager is harming herself, the therapist will keep those sessions private.

I'm Team Barcher. Always have been.

Btw I thought your girlfriend was a cosmetologist, that's what you told us before.

Edited to add: of course people can have a number of different careers over their lifetime, it's just it was a fairly recent post.

[This message edited by Carissima at 3:03 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

I happen to agree with you, Zen. My comments were aimed at Poppy. Who, as usual, has jumped at what she views as an opportunity to shame a BS.

Got it!!

It is HIPAA. And if you actually read what it says you will find it has more to do with insurance and billing than patient privacy, which doesn't come into consideration as the child is clearly a minor.

I was thinking about this.

HIPAA protects patients from their care providers from revealing their private information... as a parent (or as a patient), I can say and do whatever I want.

YOU have the legal right to speak to her doctors. Your girl friend, who you have been with for less than two years (which I’m both adult terms and the length of your daughters life is new), should not be privvy to your children’s information. You show poor judgement involving her in your legal drama. Now she’s making armchair diagnoses. You are goi g to damage your relationship further if you keep inviting her into issues where she does not belong.

YOU are a moron. Please stop responding to my threads.

I am completely within my rights to discuss what is going on with my daughter with whomever the FUCK I WANT. So, in two words: FUCK OFF.

Beyond that, my girlfriend made these observations on her own... and merely suggested that we consult an actual professional. She did this before when she believed that my daughter my suffer from ADD (which was subsequently diagnosed).

From your moronic perspective, I should ignore the observations of a highly intelligent and highly educated person because of HIPPA (or however else you misspelled it).

However you have threads in the past where you took delight in poking the bear, your STBXW. I was one if those who implored you to stop.

Yes, I think that you are right. I never envisioned that my STBXW would put my kids in the middle of an argument between the two of us. I certainly have limitations when it comes to lying, cheating, and other reprehensible behavior that people (especially STBXW) can do.

Her vindictiveness against you may be her attempts at parental alienation. Or she’s trying to go no contact with you as much as possible.

I hope your children can weather this storm.

I think that it's a little bit of both. She certainly doesn't want to talk to me but she also wants to blame me for everything.

Thank you for thinking positive thoughts on behalf of my children.

Btw I thought your girlfriend was a cosmetologist, that's what you told us before.

She has had approximately 2.1 million different jobs (slight exaggeration, but only slightly). If a task exists, she has done it for pay (wow, that sounds terrible. She has not done THAT, to my knowledge).

My girlfriend currently works as a high school teacher in the topic area that used to be known as "Home Economics." She has undergraduate and master's degree having something to do with education. She teaches cosmetology, so she also has a license as a cosmetologist and another license (free haircuts FTW!) as an advanced esthetician.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 6:40 PM, October 12th (Monday)]

You say you wanted to attend the appointment, do you mean you wanted to sit in or just wait and have a discussion with the doctor afterwards?

Actually, I wanted to participate in the appointment mostly as a parent. I mostly wanted to speak to the doctor ahead of time about the Aspergers idea.

To be clear, I respect my daughter's privacy and I have never asked about what she told the doctor and I have never asked what she has talked to her therapist. In fact, her therapist and I discussed the fact that I would *never* ask about what my daughter says during therapy and the same is true with her psychiatrist (although her psychiatrist and I have never explicitly had this discussion).

I guess what I'm asking is if you've considered if your daughter asked for her mum to take her to the appointment without telling you beforehand because she didn't want a fight about you attending?

That's the claimed reason, but it doesn't fit with my past history or what I wanted to do.

Similarly have you considered the reason there's been no follow up appointment about the Aspergers is because your daughter's asked for some time?

Nope. My STBXW intentionally withheld this information from me. STBXW doesn't want to admit that something might be wrong with her daughter (not that I think that Aspergers is wrong... that's STBXW's view). STBXW tried to keep me from enrolling DD15 in therapy, for example. STBXW did not DD15 to be evaluated for ADD either.

The reality is that I, as her parent, recognized that she needed therapy and that she probably has ADD (this was originally suggested by my GF... but *I* concluded that GF's reasons were sound, so I bought into it too). Somehow, I am the dumbass that doesn't pay attention to his kids, but yet I seem to have my finger on their pulse as far as what questions to ask of their physicians and therapists.

My job as a DAD is to care of my kids. That is what I am doing and I am doing it very well, thank you.

Any reason to be different from the rest of her friends, her peer group is going to be hard to come to terms with and while I can see the possibility of a diagnosis it's something you'd want to grab with both hands and run with I can totally see your daughter asking her mum not to schedule the appointment just yet.

Funny that you use this precise language. DD15 has few friends. DD15 also now thinks that Aspergers makes sense based on the reading that I have sent her... and she had a long chat with my girlfriend this weekend, which I think helped too.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 6:42 PM, October 12th (Monday)]

Just because the child is a minor, doesn't mean her parents get to sit in on the session.

Actually, it does mean that, legally.

However, I voluntarily gave up my right to sit in on her sessions and our verbal agreement is that STBXW and I are never told anything about therapy without DD15's explicit permission. I voluntarily gave up this right because I didn't want to observe the sessions and I respect DD15's privacy and (most importantly) I recognized that the best way for DD15 to get better is to have full confidentiality and privacy with her therapist (and psychiatrist).

I put this here because well... I don't know where to put it.

Many of you are making assumptions about me and what I am doing. The reality is very different from your assumptions.

I have no advice. I just want you you to know there is an old lady on the East Coast who is holding you in the *****light*****

Thank you Lionne. It's greatly appreciated.

Clearly, I should read all of the responses before I respond. Oops.

My response SHOULD HAVE BEEN what ZMW said. She's smarter than me.

I happen to agree with you, Zen. My comments were aimed at Poppy.

I didn't get that from what you wrote, but I also thought that your comments were fair and reasonable.

Of course, if the child is diagnosed with Aspergers, the parents will be informed. But a lot more will come out in those therapy sessions, than simply a diagnosis. And,again, unless the teenager is harming herself, the therapist will keep those sessions private.

I am still learning about Aspergers (and I was hoping, perhaps, for some input here).

My understanding is that there really isn't any treatment for Aspergers, beyond therapy that focuses on understanding Aspergers and on skills to manage the symptoms/behaviors.

Honestly, I think the diagnosis (if she is actually diagnosed) will help me more than her. It will help me understand her better... make me more accommodating for some of her quirks.

Her biggest quirk, from my perspective, is that she often gets very very angry with me for what I believe to be a minor offense or no reason at all. This unmerited anger is also consistent with parental alienation, something that DD13 has exhibited in the past (about a year ago... DD13 and I are doing very well right now).

The other quirks that DD15 has... I've never much thought much them. I like to think that I am open-minded and so I never cared that she liked gaming, anime, and other "weird" interests of her. She's my daughter and I encouraged to pursue her passions wherever they take her. That's what I do with all three of my children and I will continue to do that.

I'm Team Barcher. Always have been.

Thank you. I'm honored.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 6:46 PM, October 12th (Monday)]

Barcher, reading your thread makes me REALLY happy that I chose to defend death row inmates on federal appeals rather than deal with people like your XW and her mad dog attorney.

Good luck! I hope you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

I wasn’t trying to put any blame on you. Hope it didn’t come across as such. Just trying to understand why your STBXW May behave the way she does. While I think it is wrong and selfish of your STBXW, I know you have your children’s best interest.

I just hope that the STBXW puts the children first and stops playing games. She can certainly do better. But anger and bitterness and “need to win” certainly appear to be her pattern of behavior.

Even though I planned to D my H, I made it clear he had open access to his children. Whenever he wanted. I was never going to be vindictive just b/c he was a lying cheating jerk to me.

Praying you get out of this mess soon. 🙏

Aspergers, beyond therapy that focuses on understanding Aspergers and on skills to manage the symptoms/behaviors.

You are correct. Same goes for ADHD/ADD to an extent, yah there are meds, but they really aren't meant for you to take forever. They are meant for you to take to quiet the mind enough so that you can learn coping, and organizational skills so you can function in the world w/ it.

AS someone who has/had ADHD, I was diagnosed, and put on meds in 1st grade, with CBT, and a mom that was relentless on helping me learn, I was off all meds before middle school. Same goes for my son (who if he were evaluated today would fall in the Asperger's spectrum).

It took him a bit to get going as an adult, but I think that had more to do w/ his frontal lobe, than ADHD/ADD or other issues. He is brilliant, and doing well now. Yes we had a rough few years, and I would have done anything to avoid them, but unfortunately there were lessons he had to learn on his own.

Barcher, reading your thread makes me REALLY happy that I chose to defend death row inmates on federal appeals rather than deal with people like your XW and her mad dog attorney.

Well, thank you for your work. I'm sure that it is difficult and frustrating.

And if it makes you feel better... I have literally told my attorney how brave that she is. She didn't need my case.... she's doing plenty fine without me. But, she took my case even though she knew the identity of STBXW's attorney, who is literally a pariah among the local family law attorneys.

I mean, in my case... I didn't get to choose opposing counsel. But, my attorney kind of did. Guess who is getting a bunch of flowers when this is over?

I wasn’t trying to put any blame on you. Hope it didn’t come across as such.

I don't know how I feel about what you said other than "yeah, she's probably right." (so is that blame? if so, it was spot on... so ). I *did* poke the bear, intentionally, and there are certainly consequences for that. You were definitely polite and I am totally willing to accept criticism when it's polite and appropriate and logical.

That said (and hese are new thoughts since I responded to you last night), I don't really know how much STBXW's actions are driven by my "poking." I mean, this is a woman who is looking for the smallest slight by me to turn it into something.

For example, she almost cried in court when she testified that I asked the custody evaluator for as much custody as possible because she was, in my opinion, a terrible mother who is emotionally abusive. And remember, we were at the custody evaluator because she wanted as much custody of the kids from me. That's how narcissistic this woman is. I hurt her feelings by asking for more than 50% custody, when that's what she's been doing all along.

So, yes, I poked the bear... and yes, I shouldn't have done that... but that bear was already pissed off and I don't think that it made much of a difference, if any.

I just hope that the STBXW puts the children first and stops playing games.

You ever hear the parable of the frog and the scorpion? I gave up hoping that STBXW changes. She's a scorpion. It's just who she is.

I tried for a long time to reason with her... to explain that she was only hurting her kids. If anything, she responded to my logic by getting worse. I basically quit talking to her about anything once the custody evaluation began... it just didn't help and it might have hurt. So, why bother? These days, I simply keep it to the facts and maybe let her know when she is violating the custody agreement (I let minor infractions slide).

Even though I planned to D my H, I made it clear he had open access to his children. Whenever he wanted. I was never going to be vindictive just b/c he was a lying cheating jerk to me.

I agree with you. I *never* disparage STBXW... and it's very difficult to do when my children come up to me saying "Mom said XXX" and I know that XXX is a lie. The "losers" when parents fight are the kids and so I stopped.

For example, STBXW has refused to pay for band instrument rental for the kids because it was on autopay to my credit card prior to our decision to divorce. So, I was placed in a position of refusing payment, which I eventually did. In response, STBXW went to both DD13 and DD15 told them that I was refusing to pay for their instruments and they'd have to quit band. My response was "Your mother and I are having an argument about finances. Don't worry... you will not have to quit band."

The *really* funny thing is that my kids have been told, repeatedly, that I refuse to provide any financial support for them. I pay her $3250 per month right now, but I guess that doesn't count. Also, ironically, STBXW went to court and claimed that I have never paid her any alimony, that the $3250 is all "child support" even though the max that our state allows for child support is less than $3000 per month (e.g., if I made millions per year and STBXW made zero... the child support calculator would be something like $2850 per month).

AS someone who has/had ADHD, I was diagnosed, and put on meds in 1st grade, with CBT, and a mom that was relentless on helping me learn, I was off all meds before middle school.

And this is the sad part. I want to work with DD15 on her therapy to help with her depression, her ADD, her Aspergers, and her anxiety.

But, STBXW has basically made it impossible. She doesn't let me know when there are doctor's appointments, for sure. I suspect that she is trying to convince DD15 that I just want to control her (DD15 has said as much... using the precise language that STBXW likes to use).

The good news, as I see it, is that I have less than 3 years before the handcuffs are off and I can say/do whatever I want with DD15. I am sufficiently stubborn to wait for three years. I just hope to limit the damage between now and then.

In an effort to change the subject slightly... there was another minor incident last week.

STBXW and I have two properties... one that we actually lived in and another is an investment/vacation property. She got the homestead, I got the vacation property.

She testified that she didn't think that it was "fair" that I was making a mortgage payment (as part of my budget) when she was barely "scraping" by. Mind you, my housing costs + the mortgage on this property is less than her housing costs (the homestead was valuable).

Anyway, last week, someone tried to break into the online account with the bank that has my mortgage for the vacation property. The account was placed on hold and eventually eliminated altogether (I'll need to open a new one with a new, confidential username).

I wonder who was trying to break into my mortgage account?