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In the earlier part of my marriage, my wife and I both agreed that neither of us should have friends of the opposite sex, unless the person was part of a couple that both of us spent time with.

When her affair was being uncovered, I also noticed through Facebook that she was in touch with male friends she knew in high school. None of the conversations they had was sexual or lovey-dovey in nature, but it was still a violation of trust. One guy was given her work phone number as the best place to get in touch with her.

When I confronted her on this, she said, "What, can't I have male friends?"

In retrospect, I think this was a clear sign that a storm was brewing.

For me, personally, I think that having friends of the opposite sex is not a good idea. It can lead to all sorts of trouble.

However, I am open to other ideas. What are your thoughts?

I told my SO, no more friends of the opposite sex whatsoever and no more social media.

Some think I might be to severe, but she has total freedom to choose the door if she doesn't want to abide by this.

She brought it upon herself by having her EA.

I suppose this gets back to the issue of boundaries. If this is a boundary, it should be explained and agreed upon early in the relationship and before marriage if possible.

My boundaries were reasonable. I did not tolerate close male friends from the word go, since I was previously betrayed and she had free reign on social media.

She abused my trust and I adjusted the boundaries.

I told her that I was happy to legally separate and set up custody for the kids unless she acquiesced.

She chose to stay and she is sticking to the new boundaries.

I trust, but verify. So far so good.

Added, if it were a PA and not an EA, I would not even have considered R.

I have a zero tolerance approach to PAs and if she even approaches a EA again, the door would not be optional.

It may sound like I don't love her, I actually dearly do, but to share my life with someone, I demand the same respect from them as I am willing to show to them else there is just no point.

My respect towards her is restoring as she is contrite, remorseful and loving and working on herself and us.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 11:18 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

DictumVeritas:

I am happy to hear that things are going well with you and your SO.

But, one comment caught my attention: demand.

This may be splitting hairs, but should we demand or should we expect? Honest question.

Interesting question. My wife and I did not initially put boundaries in place regarding friends of the opposite sex. I have a number of very dear friends who are female, in fact the 'best man' at my wedding was a female.

However, now that my wife cheated... those days are over. She had an A with a 'friend' and so I won't tolerate her having male friends any longer. That boundary is a condition of our R, period. We haven't discussed what that means for my female friends but if/when that comes up I will accommodate my WW's wishes. It feels a little unfair to me that I should have to give up my friendships as I've done nothing wrong but I don't want a double standard in my M.

My current partner's best friend is a woman. They've been friends since they were little kids. They used to walk to the bus stop together. Wholesome AF. I have zero issue with it, she's great. But it's all very open. She went shopping with him to help him find clothes to wear on our first date, even.

My ex had no female friends when we met. Whenever he would make a female "friend" it was always someone younger and hot. Nothing to see here.

If he had had long-term female friends, meh. But he doesn't really see women as friend material. They are ego stroking or potential sex targets.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:27 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

It feels a little unfair to me that I should have to give up my friendships as I've done nothing wrong but I don't want a double standard in my M.

Avoiding the double standard is a good idea. Both parties should make agreements that are protective and beneficial to their relationship.

Thank you.

Demand vs. expect... Hmmm. English is my third language and I am thinking in Afrikaans.

Pondering the subtleties, I guess my military background is showing. I demanded her respect in confrontation after DDay, I expect that she gives it not because of the demand, but because I hope to instill through bearing, character and action.

I used the demand as a wake-up call along with my willingness to end our relationship right there.

I make no idle threats.

I have no current spouse or partner, but I still see it as I always have. I require my partner to be capable of having opposite sex friends without sleeping with them. If he's not capable of that, I don't want him. I'm not interested in watching my back in my own home.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:32 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

DevastatedDee:

A person can't sleep with someone not in their life. Why increase the odds of having an affair?

Why be with someone who cannot be friends with 50% of the population because he can't keep his dick in his pants?

I only ask the same of a man I'd be with as I'd ask of myself. I have zero problems whatsoever being friends with and interacting with men without sleeping with them.

If my standards are too high, then I will remain happily single.

No.

FWH's "friendship" escalated to an EA and PA affair. .

I would say that prior to his EA and PA with FAP, he had one more EA with a "friend" from his high school days at the same time as the primary PA was going on full blast.

After talking about "friendships" many, many times, he said to me that making "friends" with other women is wrong and he will not do it, ever gain and so far, he has kept his word.

It is convoluted, but in our situation, friendships with the opposite sex is a resounding NO WAY for him and for me.

DevestatedDee,

My wife (not legally therefore SO) has a choice to leave if she wants male friends.

It's simple.

Why would I want to be with someone who had demonstrated that she would break through decent boundaries and allow her to become close in any way with someone of the opposite sex?

Just because they have a dick in their pants...

Definitely because they have a dick in their pants!

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 11:46 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

Im with Dee on this one.

Thing is, I'm speaking of future partners. I left the one I couldn't have trusted with female friends. Those in R will have different answers for obvious reasons.

Yeah. I couldn't trust my exH to be friends with women because he has shit boundaries and also doesn't really see women as people.

My wife made me give up all my female friends on fb after her affair. Some I had known since I was 3. Out of respect for my wife, I deleted them all. I want to live the rest of my life with her, so it seemed necessary. She also had to delete her male friends.

When I confronted her on this, she said, "What, can't I have male friends?"

Yeah, I had a similar conversation with my WH. He was hiding interactions with women from me. Some were platonic, but some were bordering on flirty (I didn't realize how bad it really was because I hadn't found the worst of it). He made the statement "What, I can't have female friends?" Well sure, ones you don't flirt with and hide from me!

Now, the answer is no. No female friends until he can prove that he actually has good boundaries with women. We're not there yet. Even then, it's not to be hidden or flirty.

I have very strong boundaries with the opposite sex, but outside of work there are no men I consider friends. I also never hide or act in a way my WH would not like.

So I think for those that have good boundaries, opposite sex friendships are ok. For waywards, their boundaries are shit, so no.