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This whole thread is why I think that SI is likely not the place for the OP to be posting right now. Either its a manipulative tool (in which case it is pointless) or it's not free enough to the point his BS has to come to his "rescue." I suggest IC and perhaps posting under a different name that his BS can know but no one else on here can, so the discourse can be more open. A bunch of BS jumping on this thread and berating him likely won't help anything if he's actually trying to get somewhere.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:18 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

My friend you have to acknowledge basic truths to yourself

You are an addict

You are an addict

You are an addict

You are an addict

You dont have to keep being an addict

can we please refrain from saying he doesn’t have SA. He does. It’s an ongoing problem. He knows it and I know it. He can go into some details of that but not sure on everything because it’s his story to tell. That’s why he needs a CSAT. Also there is no way to minimize what he’s done. It about killed me. I’m on antidepressants and I wanted to kill myself. So maybe think of that before minimizing his actions.

I’m sorry but I think you have it backwards. Blaming his actions on having SA is minimizing his actions. It’s a way to say “it’s not my fault.” Having a year long affair and going to multiple strippers by itself does not mean he has SA. Now, you’ve said he’s had SA for decades yet he’s only been to a therapist once. Who diagnosed him? You both recognized he had SA years ago and then he just left it alone and did nothing about it for decades? How else has it manifested itself? SA would result in a lot of other behaviors over the decades. What were those?

He has also said he’s mentally ill. What does he have? Has he been diagnosed? Or was he just using that term in an informal way? If it’s the former, what psychiatric treatment has he been getting for his illness? If it’s the latter, then that too is blame shifting and he is minimizing his own actions by again saying “it’s not my fault, I’m mentally ill.”

Does he need to focus on me for a change yes.

I respectfully disagree. The best way your WH can help you is by focusing on himself and fixing his own issues. According to you both he’s had issues for decades yet has done nothing to address them. That is the problem. Focusing on you ignores the underlying issue. He needs to own and fix his shit.

I’m sorry for the pain you are in because of your husband’s actions, but by defending him and making excuses for him, I don’t think you are helping.

Lol I’m sorry but I gotta laugh at this. I know damn well SA doesn’t excuse affairs or any behavior an SA does. I wasn’t born yesterday. There is literally no excuse for him betraying me. There are multiple layers to what’s going on here and I don’t need to defend shit. I don’t live with him. I’m moving on to divorce. Do I sound like a pushover to you? I’m about to be 45 years old in 2 weeks.

About his mental disorders. Yup he’s been diagnosed. Yes he’s on meds and has a specialist. Is that ok with you and why would someone lie about that. Although I have a BS in Psychology last time I checked none of you are licensed therapist. I think group support can be healthy but I would never replace any advice here over a licensed professional.

When I said should he focus on me more I meant for him to learn to not be a selfish dick. That’s one of the core issues of cheating. Again I’m fully aware he can’t do anything for me until he heals and fixes himself.

I’m appalled anyone would have to explain themselves. I see a lot of assumptions about our marriage. The only people who know what’s going on is me and him. The only person who can fix this is initially him and I do my part to heal and live a healthier life. I’m fine with tough love or whatever y’all are trying to do here. I’m no stranger to addiction. Sorry not my first rodeo. You are also welcome to read my other posts.

Then why are you posting on his thread? You’re moving on to D.

When spouses are both on SI, a concern people have is that the WS might use the forum to manipulate their BS. It’s all for show and they throw a pity party to illustrate to their BS just how remorseful they are. I understand this from firsthand experience since my husband was active here for years before I joined and we set ground rules for me coming here. And here you are already posting on his thread concerned about what other posters are saying to him. Why? You’re getting divorced. You said you’re nearly 45 and not a pushover. Is your husband? Can he stand up for himself? Or does he need you to rush to his aid. Seems to me he’s getting what he wants. He doesn’t have to own up to himself and effectuate real change because he has you coming here to defend him.

Well, to be fair, he did invade her thread.

PR,

Yet here you are venting on his thread, and Defcon is nowhere to be seen now.

For sure he came here in desperation and was told to join. His posts were all measured knowing you were reading them and analyzing them. Add to that all the 2x4's swung his way and no doubt he has gone silent.

I lurked here years ago after my D-Day and was too chickenshit to join or post after seeing some of these exact same situations, yet I learned a lot from this site. Sometimes all it takes is knowing you are not the only one who has done bad shit to get past the self loathing woe is me and start working on fixing.

Maybe he doesn't want the help. Maybe he'll see there is hope. Who knows. Defcon- you need to at least share what is going on with you whether it is here or at an SA group or elsewhere.

When people have emotional affairs their spouses dont get STd s . I completely understand what your wife is feeling right now . Stop looking at your adultery and your addiction through rose tinted glasses and see what you did to her mind her body and her soul . Dont tell her the “good version “ because trust me buddy noone wants to hear that prattle

That being said I think when a sex addict says its not about the sex there is a kernel of truth to it . It truly is more about the addiction . They get off mentally on it and it does trigger their emotions .

I mean who in their right mind hires a sex worker just so they can give HER a blow job? What ? If this dude claims insanity people will certainly believe him even if he is also a liar con man emotional abuser etc etc . Does your face deserve herpes buddy ? What are you doing ?

Depression makes everything seem overwhelming just Take baby steps - find a sex addiction therapist if they think you arent a SA they can certainly refer you elsewhere

Also maybe find a support group just for yourself because SI may not be the right place for you to be completely honest

If you can be open and honest, SI can be a great place for you to seek direction and advice. Key word, honesty.

You would need to poor your heart out to be able to get to the bottom of what your problems and issues are. And also seek out IRL (in real life) resources too, that is if you are willing to be completely honest with yourself, maybe there can be some hope for you.

Your addictions has been going on way longer than you are willing to admit to, yet.

I am rooting for you to open up and get to the bottom of what your root issues are and your truth is.

I seriously doubt that your problems are something you will be able to figure out on your own. There are lots of resources available for someone in your position, SI and IRL are options. Hopefully, you will use them.

Let’s get this thread back on track.

Betrayed Spouses, please remember this is the wayward forum. Post respectfully and constructively.

This is Defcon9898’s thread, not PurpleReign’s. Please provide him the advice and support that he has asked for.

This thread is complete trash. Leave it to the professionals. JFC

My wife knows what she is talking about. She is the only one who has spent 20 years with me. She has every right to speak her mind and not being accused of defending me. There is no reason to attack my wife she is not the problem. I have gone silent because the thread was not productive or constructive. I will for those who care seek real therapy.

[This message edited by Defcon9898 at 8:17 PM, August 29th (Saturday)]

Maybe try one more time and ask people to back off a bit and maybe put a Stop Sign olup so that us BS can't comment.

I think SI can be a good start to your healing but you have to understand that learning to be honest and authentic is going to be your only way out of this mess. Continuing to lie and deny the truth will only create more pain for your wife.

Unfortunately my WH took the easiest way out of infidelity possible. He didn't want to be truthful so we never completely R. And then he started his same crap again because he didn't want to get to the bottom of his Why's. And he was afraid to come out of his darkness. He also had I believe multiple affairs over many years of our marriage. Sadly he passed away 5 1/2 months ago. I pray that God has mercy on his soul.

I'm sure your wife loves you too. But you are the only one who can fix you and if you don't want to even try, the two of you will be fighting a losing battle and everything will be lost. Do you have a drinking problem?

Maybe start a new thread, put a Stop Sign and ask the others to go easy on you? I say give it another shot. This site along with IRL(in real life) therapy and support groups are your best bet.

Good luck moving forward and don't give up! You can do it!

Defcon,

I feel for you.

Get whatever help your BW deems appropriate.

Maybe you will get out from under what afflicts you.

Btw - the only ones doing any trash talking were the other BS's slamming you, and your BW towards the few of us trying to get you to open up.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 7:15 AM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

Defcon,

You have a PM.

MrCleanSlate, you just gave me the biggest laugh of the day! Thank you!!! I have had so many messages from mods Pippin you have a PM, Pippin you are banned until you respond to this scolding, Pippin you are one post away from being banned that I had a startled reaction and wondered what he did that was so bad that he was getting in trouble DAYS after his last posting! Then I saw it was you!! Hahahahahaha! If they are paying attention you are going to get in a little bit of trouble for breaking guideline 5 but don't worry about it, just don't do it again. Next time, if you want to send him a PM and you think he isn't checking his messages, send his wife a message letting her know that you sent it and she might tell him. Or, just leave it up to God

Pippin,

Well, there were others on this thread that potentially broke a number of other guidelines....so what is one more? (albeit a well intentioned one)

Glad I was able to make a difference in someones day

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 3:11 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]