SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In nov 2018 I felt like I was at my lowest point in life I felt and wanted my life to end. To cope I had one affair with a ap I met thru a dating app and I went to strip clubs I quickly learned that paying for dances could mean more than a dance I touched, sucked on breast and I hate to admit it went as far as putting my finger in one stripper twice. I wanted the admiration I got from the ap and strippers. It is pathetic now to look back on this fact because I now know it was all lies. I feel horrible because I have never done anything like this before. I am a mentally ill man and believe now because of what I have done have to add sexual addition to my long list of problems. I have had the hardest time dealing with my affair and have continued to hurt my wife in the process.

You do realize you didn't put a stop sign don't you? If you didn't intend this, please alert the mods so they can get that changed for you.

But reading what you wrote a few times, I'm getting a lot of puffed up ego coming through. You are bragging about the specifics of your conquests. You say "I" multiple times (not one mention or even hint about your betrayed). You come through not that you are asking for help but boasting how horrible you are and proudly daring anyone to even try to help you all the while knowing you are setting them up to fail. Almost like a sick game.

You come across as being concerned about pounding on your chest like King Kong proclaiming you are the most fucked up of the fucked up and know it, like it and use it as your security blanket.

I sincerely ask you - are you coming here to humble yourself and seek help from those who came before you or are you just coming here to throw the gauntlet of challenging anyone to try to make you change yourself?

Wow I’m truly asking for advice and help. I used I several times because it was I who did the actions. I’m so depressed and hearing that I might be playing a sick game just deepens that’s fact

Not a WS, but no stop sign.

Why don't you back up a bit, and tell us some more details about your A, AP and your BW? There are good people here who can help you, but you gotta give them a little more info.

As far as the lap dance going too far... that's fairly common. I'd be lying if I said I've never had a lap dance. But dude, keep your fingers out of the strippers! It's unlikely you were the first guy she had messed around with that night, without any type of cleanup.

Your wife is finally done. She refuses to be lied to anymore. So you are using SI, as a way to manipulate her into stayng. You believe this will show her you're serious "this time." You're hoping she will read this and feel sorry for you, and give you another chance. Its simply more emotional manipulation.

If you truly want help,throwing a pity party isn't the way to go about it.

If you truly want to save your marriage, you must first save yourself. Get real here. Share your entire story,and let the seasoned waywards help you.

And use a stop sign. Betrayed spouses can see right through this. So can the waywards, but you might be more inclined to listen to them instead of us,considering the way you responded to Chaos.

I have had the hardest time dealing with my affair and have continued to hurt my wife in the process.

You make it all about you – that's the problem. Wah wah wah wah, poor little you.

If you really want help, if you really want to change, if you really want to be a better person, then do this:

STOP HURTING YOUR WIFE.

You remind me of my deceased WH. He never told the truth about any of his affairs. And I believe he had many.

If you want to get to the bottom of your issues for you, you need to stop the lying and tell the entire truth, no matter whether you R or D.

The truth shall set you free.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:53 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Mentally ill and sexual addiction because you had an affair for a year and went to strip clubs?

What a cop out.

I feel horrible because I have never done anything like this before.

You mean other than cheating on your wife for a year?

Like Chaos said, all of your posts have been you practically bragging about how horrible or pathetic you are, like it’s a contest or that by saying so is somehow an achievement. It’s not. It’s really easy to say bad things about yourself on a anonymous forum. It shows nothing. How about putting aside the woe is me nonsense and actually start doing something about it? Because that part is hard and actually means something in the real world. It requires hard work and real change and will actually help you and your wife.

Basically, man up.

Why are you attributing your actions to sex addiction? To me it sounds like garden-variety cheating. Is there something else at play?

You are actively hurting your wife. My advice to you would be to let her go. Stop trying to manipulate the situation with her. Work on yourself FOR YOU, to figure out why you did these things while in a committed relationship. You need to do this for pure reasons, to better yourself. Not as a ploy to obtain a specific response from her.

One thing you need to accept up front is that what you did to your wife is something she should leave you for. Not for punishment, but for her own emotional well-being and mental health. If she leaves and divorces you, a step towards being a good person who doesn't hurt her is letting her go and not fighting the divorce. The issues you have aren't issues that are resolved in a month or two. This is going to be a journey for you. If you're serious about being a better person and getting help, you're going to need to buckle down and make that your priority. I left a similar situation and my mental health required me to do so. I would hope that my XWH would do the work to become a good man, but any work he did was just geared towards trying to keep me in the marriage. Once that was over, he fell completely apart. You don't have to be that guy. You can have a life and future happiness, but you cannot just be using this as a way to manipulate your wife because she very well may need to leave you no matter what you do. It has to be about fixing yourself, not about manipulating another person.

You killed the marriage. You have to own that and allow her to make decisions that are best for her.

There is hope for you if you take this seriously. If this is just a hail Mary to keep the marriage intact, it will blow up in your face and fail.

I am a BS but I'm not going to get on the BS bandwagon of nitpicking your posts about what words you selected and what I think they mean - how I would take them - as you have not asked for that. I will admit it is tempting, but as I am not your BS and don't know you, I won't.

This is my advice:

You know you have problems based on your post titles. If this is just a manipulative tool to further mess with your BS, stop it now. If it's not, I suggest putting up a stop sign on this and ACTIVELY ENGAGE with other WS who can relate to you. Making 1 post and then remaining silent won't get it done - open up as hard as that may be, if you feel you can do that here with your BS reading.

Your BS thinks you are lying. I don't know you (or your BS) but I'm guessing that based on what I know about wayward behavior, it's very likely that you are not telling the whole truth. Figure out a way to do that - somewhere. If not here, in IC or even writing it all down on paper. Have you ever tried that? Writing the whole thing down - a timeline for you - and whatever lies you told - how you pulled it off for REALS? Try it if you haven't. It's something my WH could never do - he could talk about it but he would never write it down - it's like that made it all too real for him to deal with. You've got to get past the wall YOU have created and move into acceptance. Until you get to acceptance of the whole truth, you really can't move forward in a productive manner.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:15 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Defcon,

Suggest you ask mods for a STOP sign on this one.

Everything you are writing is desperation moves at the moment. Right now, you need to let go of the outcome and take this time to really share with us what is going on with you.

You are here and you are starting to reach out and there is a lot of us waywards willing to offer advice and support if you are wanting to do the work to fix yourself - and it needs to be done whether you are going R or D.

I was depressed, even though I didn't admit it, before my A. I did a lot of shitty stuff through my A. Not proud of any of it. Lots of other waywards have done a lot worse than you or I - our stories won't even rate on the top 100 worst cheaters. So lets see if we can help you move forward here....

Your wife is finally done. She refuses to be lied to anymore. So you are using SI, as a way to manipulate her into stayng. You believe this will show her you're serious "this time." You're hoping she will read this and feel sorry for you, and give you another chance. Its simply more emotional manipulation.

If you truly want help,throwing a pity party isn't the way to go about it.

If you truly want to save your marriage, you must first save yourself. Get real here. Share your entire story,and let the seasoned waywards help you.

^^^^^^

THIS.

Hellfire is spot on. Stop using SI to manipulate your wife. Use it as it's intended: To help you get your shit together. The seasoned waywards have a lot to offer here, but only of you take their advice. Stop your bullshit and man up.

[This message edited by Evertrying at 11:28 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Lots of other waywards have done a lot worse than you or I - our stories won't even rate on the top 100 worst cheaters

Way to minimize the excruciating pain his wife is in right now.

Add in, he's only mentioned a very small portion of what he has done.

Can he change? Absolutely. But he has to stop lying. And he has to want to change for himself, and not because his wife has had enough of his shit.

I do agree,he needs a stop sign. I also hope the waywards here familiarize themselves with the entire story.

Hellfire,

Apologies for trying to get Defcon to open up and get to his story. BTW - this is the Wayward Forum, not JFO. I'm not here to support his BW. I'm here to help him become better.

Drive a few more stakes in him and be done with it then.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 11:08 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

I can't really comment on your post, as I am a BS and I certainly don't have any fondness for cheaters, but I will say this. SI is an incredibly valuable resource with over 70K members. Collectively, I would venture to say that there is almost nothing that they have not seen or heard, so the bullshit sendors on this site are finely calibrated. So when a member, especially another WS calls you out, as painful as the words are to read, consider them mana from heaven. Don't allow your ego to interfere with you own best interests. It's a tough thing to do, but an incredibly valuable skill.

He does need to open up. But telling him what he's done isn't that bad is a slap in the face of his BW. But,you're right. You are not here to support his wife.

I wasnt aware that bringing up that he was still lying.. .was driving stakes. Good to know.

I will leave you to it,then, since you think you know what you are doing.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:33 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Double post

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:34 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

I’m Defcon’s wife. Forgive me if I’m not supposed to post here. I just want to say can we please refrain from saying he doesn’t have SA. He does. It’s an ongoing problem. He knows it and I know it. He can go into some details of that but not sure on everything because it’s his story to tell. That’s why he needs a CSAT. Also there is no way to minimize what he’s done. It about killed me. I’m on antidepressants and I wanted to kill myself. So maybe think of that before minimizing his actions.

Also he cheated on me with 5 women. The year long affair and 4 strippers. Each encounter is/was an affair. And if anyone in the WS side thinks paying for sex with strippers is “normal” or not that bad needs to closely examine themselves. Cheating isn’t normal. Betraying, lying, and exposing your spouse to every STD on the planet is not normal. The last thing my spouse needs is any excuses.

He is here because I asked him to be. I felt he needed to reach out and get help from those who have been there. Is he throwing a pity party yes. Does he need to focus on me for a change yes. I agree he needs to get his shit together rather I leave or not. At this point I’m heading toward divorce because he can’t stop lying. Only he can save himself. Not my monkey not my circus. I’m tired and exhausted. I hope he gets help. It’s sad 20 years is ending like this.