SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry you are dealing with this...

I would be tempted to reply with: I am not sure who you are but I assume you are one of My husbands MANY affair partners. I am only responding to you know my husband died last month.

You could even say he died of a horrible disease. Really get her to question (On her mind ) what it was.

TA,

I haven't been around much the last few weeks here so I am sorry to have learned that WH passed. I know it must be a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. I hope you are in IC to help with navigation through the confusing grief process you are probably experiencing.

As for the email - I'm sorry to say I am suspicious as well of its mistaken identity. That would be quite a coincidence. Sounds more like the actions of someone who's embarrassed they got caught. Even if location seems out of the question - EA?

I hesitated to even say that to you because maybe it's easier for you to tell yourself to believe her story and what does it matter at this point since he's gone. Except that I think in the wake of betrayal, it's important to learn to trust your gut again - for yourself and potential future relationships. When we are the BS we often talk ourselves out of our gut awareness and slip into unhealthy denial patterns (I did this for a few years, as time went on it got worse).

I'm thinking. if it felt wrong off the bat - as painful as it is - your first thought was probably the correct one :(

Either way, I'm very sorry it happened, I have had some accidental discoveries and they are horrible. Each time feels like another DDay. But like you said, it's also a reminder of who they really are and helps us to move forward in some way.

I, too, am so very sorry for your loss.

I was going to say that when I read the poem, i felt like it sounded like a past AP who was fishing / trying to persuade someone to decide to leave theor marriage for her:

“ When boundary lines cross

trust turns to betrayal.

The question one asks is...

do I leave or just stay? ”

I hope you can put this behind you. Yours is a truly heartbreaking situation.

I’m so sorry that he ran out of time before he chose/was able to help you heal.

I won’t lie...there is definitely a chance this is another AP. I will never know for sure. All of my research on her names checked out. But my WH was a liar. As they all are, so who knows...I don’t really care at this point.

I am focusing on me and just moving on and learning from my mistake of not trusting my gut and recognizing gaslighting when he did for so many years.

I truly wished I didn’t find out years later. But realistically it was good...I didn’t have to divide our assets. Didn’t have to deal with child custody issues. Sounds cold but it’s the truth.

Wishing you all peace.

It’s always a possibility. However. There are sick people who prey on bereaved. How disgusting is that?

You will never know for sure. Trolls look for opportunity. It’s something to consider. Do you have any enemies? You might keep getting these. It might be time to shut it down.

Nobody needs these type situations. True or not. Protect yourself.

How close can she be if she isn’t aware he passed? I find that fact odd. Or that he was ill. ???? It seems distant and uninformed

Don’t focus on the poem words. It might be copied. Don’t let it bother you for months. Years. That was the goal.

I know the experience. Ex wh is very ill. And possibly dying He went absolutely nuts ending in divorce. I believe dying would have been easier. He is still completely out of control. Doing crazy things. It’s hard to watch It’s unbelievable. I’ve often wondered who or what will show up.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:44 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

"I am focusing on me and just moving on and learning from my mistake of not trusting my gut and recognizing gaslighting when he did for so many years."

Agree... so sad that we both had to endure so much emotional abuse from our WH who were supposed to love and protect our souls and our best interests. Sorry to say that they failed big time.

So here is my newest update...regardless of that email.

My WH friend came to see me today...he wanted to clear his conscious. In 2014, he saw my husband kissing a woman...not a peck but full on kissing. He described her to me...I knew instantly who it was...my WH ex-wife. I showed him a photo from her obituary...she committed suicide in 2018. And he confirmed it was her.

He went on to tell me that my WH always spoke badly of me, that he was stuck in his marriage but that he enjoyed living off of my money.

So not only was he cheating on me with the AP I already knew about but also at the same time cheating with his ex-wife.

My WH and his ex-wife can now be together forever...wherever they are. They can both rot.

Oh I'm so terribly sorry. What a shit head to do that to you.

I'm unsure if the friend coming clean was good or not. I guess the truth is best.

Hugs.

I told him that I wished he had told me at the time. He said he knew of about 5 men currently cheating...I told him he should tell the OP’s. It terrible to live in the dark...not knowing someone is taking away your agency in life.

I won’t lie...this has set me back. Not as bad...but I feel used. My life was such a lie...I was married to an awful person and didn’t even know it. My self esteem feels crumbled right now. How was I that bad of a person? We rarely fought. We had laughs. We got along and now I find out he was cheating with multiple women and using me financially.

Who was this person I was married to...just a stranger who stole my life.

I really just want to feel worthwhile again. This does make me determined to get there...to somehow make sense of this and start living my life for me.

That’s horrible, I hope he doesn’t wait to tell the others. Now is definitely the time to learn to live for you.

Holy crap, what a bitter pill on top of everything else you have had to deal with. I am so sorry. Live well, please, from here on and have the best revenge. You have been dealt the worst hand and played it with courage. I am not sure there is sense to be made out of this, except for the wisdom of experience. Hugs to you. May you waste no more time in your life on shitty people who are not worthy of you.

What I find really hard is to reconcile the man I thought he was (I guess my heart) with now I know who he really was (my head).

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact...the person who was your best friend, your thought had your back....could be entirely different person. Saying hatful things...and who could so bluntly use me and abuse me...both mentally and financially.

I have to accept that he was just a POS, serial cheater who lied up to the day he died. I am just having a hard time realizing this was my life. He fooled me, our kids, our friends, and his family.

I gave this man way too much of myself.

It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact...the person who was your best friend, your thought had your back....could be entirely different person.

Yes, Throwaway, it is very very very hard.

And it is what EVERY BS has to come to terms with and learn to accept. It takes time to process all of those feelings. I think you were able to numb or disassociate to a certain degree to cope with caring for your WH AND supporting your kids through his final illness. There is no shame or judging in that - you did what you needed to get through a period that you knew had an end date with his passing away.

And to me, it makes PERFECT sense that now that period of caring for him has ended, you will have to process things that HAD to be "set aside" to put one foot in front of the other while he was still alive. It seems natural and normal and, even tho it hurts like the dickens, it is Ok and you will be ok.

Having another dday after his death can be retraumatizing, and send a BS right back to square one. That's OK. Try and hold compassion for yourself. Try and be a friend to yourself. A great book on this is Rick Hansen's "Resilient", which I always recommend getting on audio if you can (I got it from the library for free) bc it has exercises that are easier to focus on if you don't have to keep referring back to a book page. Hansen has done some interesting work in joy and gratitude and the ways in which it can help rewire our brains. And he speaks very wisely IMO about being "for" yourself.

Another thing to maybe think about is how to purge some of the anger (or rage?) out of your body. I was looking into boxing class when Covid hit, as I felt I could really use an hour or two a week just hitting something as hard as I could Some folks punch pillows. Years ago I had access to an abandoned space that I could use to - literally- throw glass at the wall (and I really wished I'd had access to that room after dday). I've read on SI of someone that put a small amount of water on plates and froze it, then threw the "ice plate" when they felt anger. Sometimes folk will write their anger & then burn it. The possibilities are endless.... the point is to find a way that works for you that helps get that out of your body.

Again, Throwaway, huge hugs and there are thousands here on SI supporting you

Godspeed

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:24 PM, September 24th, 2020 (Thursday)]

Throwaway999,

I cannot say just how sorry I am that you are trapped in this situation. I have been silently sobbing reading this thread.

When I look at all the happy memories I have with my late husband? It shocks me to the core that your's could do that to you.

I am going to take a minute or two - or a couple of thousand - moments to compose myself. Reading this hit me really hard.

Just know I am sending strength, hugs and love your way. I truly wish you find your way to the peace and healing you truly deserve.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

My god, Throwaway999; I am SO sorry.

It's obvious he was a very evil, sick man. He could not even write letters to his children prior to his death not to mention did nothing but berate you while you cared for him through his illness.

I'm not much of a heaven/hell person, but I do believe that in the afterlife, whatever that may be, evil souls must atone for the harm they inflicted on the innocent.

He's gone - you can now live your life - I truly hope that you are able to move forward and find peace and joy...you deserve nothing less.

Hugs & strength,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:41 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Thank you all...your support and complete understanding gets me through.

Another thing to maybe think about is how to purge some of the anger (or rage?) out of your body.

GMC - I did this last night with a vengeance...I tossed a lot of his stuff. His prized whisky collection got dumped...he used to give these to AP1. I have bought Journey from Abandonment to healing...now I will for sure read it. Rick Hansen’s book will be next on my list. I read your posts all the time...you are a hero...so incredibly strong.

I am going to take a minute or two - or a couple of thousand - moments to compose myself. Reading this hit me really hard.

NeverTwice - I have followed your posts also...I am glad you have found happiness again. It gives me hope.

HurtmyHeart - I know we have each other’s backs...always. Hugs

It's obvious he was a very evil, sick man. He could not even write letters to his children prior to his death not to mention did nothing but berate you while you cared for him through his illness.

I'm not much of a heaven/hell person, but I do believe that in the afterlife, whatever that may be, evil souls must atone for the harm they inflicted on the innocent.

LaLaGirl - he show me his true self at the end....when everything was stripped away from him. And the only thing that mattered was what he left behind...he chose himself over his children. That says a lot.

4 Ddays...is too many, but I know others here have been through far worse...they survive and can thrive. I will to...someday. Doesn’t make the pain in my chest go away or the not wanting to eat stop...I have always said I am glad I found out before he died and not after. The other ddays make this one easier...I know the drill. I know the pain and emotions. I pray I have no more.

Oh this asshole...wow. Well, he's dead. You are not going to need to worry about wasting anymore time with him. I would take something that was dear to him and burn it while expressing exactly what a piece of shit he is and pretend he's listening. I'm glad it was him and not you who died. You still have a life to live and happiness to find. You could pick someone at random out of the phonebook to date and find a better man than he was. Well, unless my XWH is in your phonebook, in which case, nah, lol.

That part where your life was a lie is the WORST part of all of this. It's not fair, it's not right, and there's nothing any of us can do to change that. This is where you start living and avoid assholes from henceforth.