SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday was July 2nd, and my whole world came crashing down. We had just "celebrated" our 10 year anniversary in June.

My husband is a police officer, and was called in to internal affairs on a sexual assault allegation on the job. The results of this situation are still pending. He came clean with me about this (it was a consensual hook up, while he was on duty late at night). This situation prompted him to come clean about everything.

His mom passed away 5 years ago from cancer. He was having a hard time with it, stress from the job, etc. I was always there for him, always tried to be understanding and supportive (I lost my dad when I was 15, so I understand that the grieving process can be long and complex). I put in so much work for our marriage over the last 5 years while he grew more and more distant, became a severe alcoholic, and withdrew from our life.

He told me that he had been cheating on me for 5 years. Half our marriage. He had been with 30 people over those years, some of the same people many times. In their houses, in hotel rooms, on duty in dark alleys.

I feel so heartbroken. I truly love this man. How could he have no respect for me, no care for me as a person, no concern for our family (we have 4 kids together). Half of my marriage was a lie.

We have started therapy with a CSAT, but honestly, I don't know if I can live like this. I attended a few group meetings, and hearing the women talk when it had been 10 years + since their husband's acting out, just hearing the pain they were still in, and the daily triggers after that long has scared me. I want to work it out with him because I love him, truly, but how much more pain can my life endure?

I'm sorry you qualify for membership here. We're the best group you never wanted to be part of.

Does your H drink on the job? Is his cheating a result of impaired thinking due to being in an alcoholic haze or is it due to an 'addiction' to sex?

If his basic problem is alcohol, then no alcohol may very well mean no cheating. Is he willing to stop drinking?

how much more pain can my life endure?

You're asking a question that can't be answered quickly.

Use the next few months (3? 6? 12? more?) to observe your H. See if he starts changing from cheater to good partner. See if he stops drinking. Don't commit to R at this point. Teach yourself that it's OK to want R, but it's OK to D if your H won't change, even though you love him.

Check out the Healing Library. The link is here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp, and in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

I also recommend reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - Things that every WS needs to know - I found it useful when I started this journey.

I recommend keeping SI to yourself. I did eventually ask my W to join ... 2 years after d-day. This is not a great place for WSes who are not committed to becoming good partners.

And remember this: You can heal. You can survive and thrive. You can find joy again. You may not be able to do that with your H, but you can heal without him.

I hope you are taking care of you! Is your WH showing remorse? I know you mentioned some counseling. Since Dday was in July, I will assume you've been advised of STD testing and other general options. My heart goes out to you, and please know there are so many knowledgeable posters on here that will help you along with this awful process (I know reading here has really helped me!)

Thank you for your responses.

Not sure how to quote reply, so a few things answered below.

I think it is a true sex addiction. We have both read about it and it sounds fairly applicable to his situations. A way to numb the pain he was in, but refused to confront/heal. The alcohol was the same, and not always used in conjunction with the sexual acting out.

When this all came out he hit true rock bottom. It was like he had been in a dark room and someone lifted a shade and he finally saw the light of everything he was doing. He literally spent a month in bed in a deep depression, crying (which he NEVER does), talking to me, etc. A real self-reckoning. He has confronted everything, been completely (and I do think he has) honest about everything, said he wants to be with me and would do whatever it takes. He seems genuinely remorseful. Started some counseling, as previously mentioned. We have been reading some books together and he seems to genuinely want to grow and become a better man. He has gotten back in touch with his spirituality. Since he is on leave right now, he decided to go to trucking school. He has been more responsible than I have seen him in years. He's just completed week 3 and passed all his exams and everything. I am very proud that he is taking the initiative to turn his life around. I just don't know how I am supposed to live with this betrayal and pain.

Our relationship has always been a bit one sided, where I was all in and completely open and vulnerable with him from the beginning, and he was always really guarded and withheld his full love from me--or as he says, didn't know how to express it. I wonder if how much I love him is worth subjecting myself to potentially years of healing and pain if everything is still going to be so cold from him.

Hope that gave a little clarification. I am new to this, so please forgive my ignorance to how this all works.

Sorry you are here DragoonFliies. It sucks to learn our spouses are capable of such deception.

Sissoon is correct - you can heal from this, with or w/o your WH (wayward husband).

IMO, the alcohol use and the sexual addiction (SA) all stem from whatever dark hole exists w/in your WH. They are related bc they are both addictions, but a cheater can (and will) cheat whether or not they are also abusing alcohol (indeed, many alcoholics will turn to sex addiction when they quit drinking).

the CSAT is a great start. As is S-Anon for you. I understand how painful it is.

Most folks would advise to wait at least 30-90 days before making a decision to D (which you are fast approaching with a 7/2 dday). The basis for this is that dday is a traumatic event, and we don't always think/see very clearly in the midst of that trauma. However, if you feel confident that this is not something that you want to work on WITH your WH, then that's OK too. Everyone is different.

I really recommend listening to some podcasts about relational betrayal trauma. My fav is a 2-part interview with Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" podcast. It's about 1.5 hours all together. Some parts may resonate more - or less - than others. You can follow that up with their Helping Couples Heal podcast. I'd consider these "must listen" for the BS of an SA.

See an attorney and understand your rights.

Get the STD tests (sucks, but it's best for your health - even if your WH swears on your children's lives that he used condoms, WS are proven liars and it's best to make sure when it comes to your health).

Again, so sorry you are here, but there is a lot of collective wisdom to help you on this healing journey.

Godspeed...

Since he is on leave right now, he decided to go to trucking school. He has been more responsible than I have seen him in years. He's just completed week 3 and passed all his exams and everything.

Is he planning on trucking locally and being home every night? Because I gotta say, Sex Addict + OTR Trucking is about as bad a cheating risk as you can get. I'm not trying to freak you our or anything, but this guy has already cheated floridly for half your marriage, exposing you to all kinds of STD risks. 30 different people is A LOT of potentially gross microbiomes to bring home.

His depression and crying might be genuine, they might be genuine for the moment, or they might be crocodile tears. You'd be surprised at the number of serial cheater who have a history of weeping and snot-bubbled promises to change when they're caught, only to be back at as soon as they think the heat has cooled.

If your WH plans to become a trucker, what's his accountability plan?

I am so sorry to see what you have been going through. I’m new here- just found out about my husband 3 weeks ago.

I can’t offer any advice but can offer support and a virtual hug. Hope you stay well, take care of yourself and kids.

Read. Chamomile Tea’s post several times then you & hubs talk to the counselors ~ this is a bad route IMO. Hugs and welcome ❤️❤️

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s terrible. The success rate for marriages with sex addicts isn’t great, but it can be done. I would definitely prioritize the STD screening, as most SAs don’t use protection. Not all, but most. My WH doesn’t fall into the SA category, but you learn a lot when you dive into the world of infidelity.

I see a few similarities in our stories. My WH lost his mother in 2012 to cancer. She was the only parent in his life, and he had already had some abandonment issues from his dad being a POS who left his family when my husband was 3. He didn’t see him again for 20 something years. 4 years later, after years of depression and a tumultuous marriage, my WH has an A. I didn’t find out until 3 years later. We were married for 7 at the time, and I found out 2 days before our 10th anniversary. It was absolutely awful, and I wish that pain on no one. I share all that, because it helps to not feel so alone, or like you’re the ONLY person whose husband has cheated on them. Trust me, it happens way too often, and the number of members on this site will help you see that as well.

Don’t let his recovery overshadow your own healing journey. Pushing it to the side will only cause more problems down the road. Your focus needs to be on you. Leave him to take charge of his own recovery, and whether he does or not will be really telling. I have found that, though this is an insanely painful journey, it does offer one the opportunity to do a lot of self reflection. If you have struggled with co dependency, there’s no better time to work on building up your own strength and self love. Is there a hobby you’ve wanted to get into? Do it! Maybe you’ve been putting off the gym? Exercising will do you a world of good right now.

The pain will lessen with time. You don’t have to decide if you want to reconcile or divorce so soon into discovery. I’m 9 months out and still consider myself a fence sitter. Sometimes it takes us a while to process all of the trauma before we can make a sound decision. Best of luck to you! You can do this!

You can heal. We all can. Love and light and truth comes in and heals us. Knowing ourselves heals us. Forgiving ourselves heals us.

But first is the releasing of the pain and stress.

That takes time.

But on the other side is a stronger you. A wiser you. A more courageous and loving you.

I still think about the past but it doesn't hurt me. I think it's better it happened. I became a better person. I understood myself more. I valued myself more. I made decisions that grew my goals. Love came in. More love than before. I have more happiness in my life now because I chose my happiness.

I hope he can find healing. I really do.

You must make your healing a priority.

I have concerns about his new career as a truck driver. Truck stops are notorious as locations for prostitutes ("lot lizards") who can be very aggressive with their solicitations. If he is on the road he is going to be in situations where it will be easy for him to make use of their services. Not that he wouldn't be able to be unfaithful if he's sleeping at home, but it's just playing with fire if he's an SA and out there where the temptation is actually coming to him on a daily basis.

I'm married to an SA. Most of his acting out has been with porn, but he has had at least one actual physical affair, with a couple of other sketchy situations that have never been explained to my satisfaction.

Thanks for the information and advice, everyone.

The first thing I did was get an STD test (negative, thank god), because he did admit to not using protection.

I have definitely had misgivings about the new career choice. There aren't many options in our area that pay well, especially now with COVID. He ultimately wants to be local, but I think he has to be on the road for a little while for training. We talked about that, and he assures me that he has totally changed his ways. God got his attention. However, with his other addictive behaviors, I'm not confident that he won't relapse if he gets in a bad head space again. It is hard for me to rationalize his behavior as an addiction, because he made these choices knowing the stakes and potential pain that it would cause us. His family was worth losing for it, which I can't understand. He says none of it was worth it, and it all left him feeling empty, but then why did he do it for so long? The only answer I got to that question was he was "just fucking up," and "it was available." While he does seem genuinely remorseful about his actions, the casual way that he talks about what he has done kind of horrifies me. How does the sacredness of our marriage mean so little?

From all our reading and research, I can say with confidence that he has all the traits of a covert narcissistic--most startlingly a complete lack of empathy. I am scared that this potential reconciliation is just him using me to maintain a stable looking family life (because he clearly had no true concern about their well being either) while he goes and does what he wants. He comes of as a complete family man, even volunteer coaches basketball and football for the kids' teams. This is another reason that I was completely blindsided, because he has always professed that his family is his world, and devoted time to us. It is scary to me how adept he was at lying. I would question things occasionally, and I knew there were major issues in the marriage stemming from his lack of communication, emotional suppression, etc., but I could never have fathomed all of this.

I hate all the questions I have, and all the intrusive thoughts that I am constantly battling. I still sob every day, I don't sleep, I hold back tears at work.... I don't know how long to expect that to continue. I am definitely trying to focus on my own healing. I have been taking more time to myself to go for walks, workout, read, or meet with friends. It definitely helps me to feel that even through all this heartache there is still joy in the world, and I can still find happiness in those moments. Maybe that's all I can hold onto for now.

I’m so sorry why you are here, but this is a great supportive group.

My DD was 18 months ago and I’m not close to healed. My Husband has a double like for at least 3.5 worh the same women and I am native to think there weren’t more before her. He is also a police officer with low self esteem and looked for anyone who would strike his pathetic ego.

My advice....get the therapy you need to deal with it all. He needs his own therapy to come to the root issie. I think many police officers like the police status and all the bagsge bunnies who have no respect.

He needs to be remorse go and show he can be trusted again. My WA out a tracker in his phone and opened up all account so I can see...including phone records. He had a secret bank account he used with the mistress and all...closed that and put everything into our joint account .

I still have many, many meltdown and bad days comwkng to terms with all the damage he himself choose to cause me.

We are trying to R, but the damage is pretty bad to be honest.

Make no decision now. It’s all emotional and my advice will always be never to make a big decision with an emotional heart. Hugs dear!!

You say he is a severe alcoholic.

This imo is the root of the problems. There is little that can be done until he stops drinking completely.

Alcoholics frequently destroy themselves and their families, as he is doing to your family. The internet is full of stories similar to yours.

When I first read your title, I thought that sounds a lot like how my situation was with my now deceased (6 months as of the 15th) WH. Our stories are VERY similar; police officer, his mom died, FOO issues, severe alcoholic, other women, low self esteem, needed lots of ego stroking and the list probably goes on.

I agree with Rockeaters comment, your WH needs to quit the alcohol first before you can even consider moving forward. And also agree that alcohol destroys lives and families. Alcohol definitely had a part in the destruction of my deceased WH death, at least indirectly. It's really sad.

My thoughts are that there is more going on with your husband than you may be aware of. Sadly. I wasn't able to figure this part out with mine until after his death. And once he passed away, everything came to the light. I was able to see clearly.

My suggestion, insist that in order to consider "anything" he first needs to quit drinking, period! No more, no exceptions. I also want to suggest that he attends AA but the problem is that police officers don't like to mix with the general population because you never know who might show up at those meetings, so that possibility might be out. But on the other hand, there are police sponsored AA meetings he can look into. My husband took the CR (Celebrate Recovery) route, he felt it was a little safer path to follow. This is the first step. Yes, and lots of IC to figure out those deep dark thoughts that that are seeming to guide him.

OMG, did he lose his job for sure?? I thought that he was on administrative leave? I guess they will need to determine whether he is a good candidate on whether they will allow him back into the department, I'm assuming? I'm surprised they let him go because of that reason. Are you sure that there wasn't something else? Honestly, I would try to find out if there is more to the story and not from your husband. Please don't trust your husband... remember, he is not a reliable source anymore. He blew this up a long time ago. Watch your back.

I believe cops can be extremely manipulative. I was married to one for a very long time. Gotta watch out on this one. I am only suggesting this but your WH will want to use you as a cover up but you already said this and I'm agreeing with you.

I also believe that he is in survivors mode. It's very important you get strong in yourself. Alanon is one part that started to wake me up. I believe that your WH is going to say anything to convince you that he is a changed man. That is such a lie because change takes a long time and he hasn't even begun to do the work. OMG, 30 women!

Your WH has work to do to get to the bottom of his why's. My deceased WH white knuckled everything until he saw that I was beginning to relax (never ever fully trusted him again though) and then he was right back to doing what he did best, drinking, lieing, manipulating, other women. I also believe my WH had narsitictic tendencies. Took me a while to see that one though, I was so blind.

Watch out, not sure about that truck driver career. Funny how my WH wanted to be a truck driver too!

Keep posting here and seeking advice but don't let him know about this site. Keep it to yourself.

DF, you story sounds similar to mine. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position.

He had addictions to alcohol and sex, were there any other addictions?

He took advantage of you while you were looking after the house and kids. He withdrew from the marriage to pursue other women and alcohol. The stories you tell of the CSAT group are just terrifying. With addiction you will just be labelled as collateral when he is ‘acting out’ which TBH is really minimising the effect on you.

I also found that my relationship is one sided. I finally figured out with some help from some of the threads in SI was that I saw a different definition of love compared to him. He saw me using an object love. As in he loved that I loved him and loved the feeling that I gave him. But that is subjective and he felt the love from me diminished when he actively sought out other women. My definition of love was an action, where if there was a decrease in loving feelings, I turned towards the marriage and invested more. I could not figure out why I was chasing and chasing and he was getting further and further away. Now the tables are turned and there is zero f*cks given by me. Ironically, he is hanging on for dear life.

Unfortunately, I am also dealing with narcissism and it’s a type of hell in itself. It is definitely in your best interest to determine if it’s a true narcissist that you are dealing with because a lack of empathy really cannot be repaired. They can look and act like they care about you but secretly they are always looking out for #1. Sooner or later when your interests diverge, you need to know that he will put you first.

It might be worthwhile letting the people closest to you and your family know, so that you have some support while you are going through this. I can’t even begin to understand how difficult it is with four kids. Also, letting people know will knock him off his perch and pedestal as a family man. The more people know the truth the less likely he is able to hide it and pretend that he is all that.

GMC, I wanted to say that those podcasts helped me out immensely. Thank you for recommending them.