SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there.

Is there a marriage counselor (either via Zoom or anywhere in TX area) who can be personally recommended? Is there an available list on SI? And even counselors who themselves might be familiar with SI or SI practices?

It's pretty hard to find marriage counselors with similar outlook as what's expressed in SI. The few we've been counseled by don't completely seem familiar with practices that would be considered safe and don't offer practical insight on what work is necessary toward healing. One counselor recently told my fWH that allowing me to be able to track his phone at all times works AGAINST trust-building. That one bit of advice takes us backward, not forward. Either via Zoom connection or throughout TX area, I'm looking for counselors who have a clue.

[This message edited by NowGuarded at 6:12 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

Marriage counselors are experts at rugsweeping and blame shifting because that is generally how people learn to cope with issues or meet in the middle. Take half the blame and pretend it didn't happen. THERE EVERYONE IS HAPPY AGAIN!

You have to interview your MC before taking them on. There are some good questions in the library for asking this.

I ended up having to write a few myself after firing my first MC who refused to admit the existence of duty in a relationship.

So the two most important questions, in my opinion were these two:

Does duty and responsibility exist in a relationship? There is only one right answer to this question: yes, whatever you agree to as a couple.

If someone fails to uphold their duty or responsibility are they the only one at fault for it? A typical bad answer is going to be something like, "I don't find fault or blame helpful in resolving issues"

Seriously a marriage counselor basically follows this script if they suck:

MC: "How does it make you feel when spouse does X?"

S1: "It really hurts."

MC: "S2, see how much S1 hurts. Would you consider changing your behavior?"

S2: "Nah S1 can suck it up and deal because X is important to me."

MC: "S1, see how important this is for S2, maybe you could see past it hurting you since it isn't about you."

X could literally be anything.

Leave shoes out.

Don't do the dishes.

Playing 5 hours of video games per day.

Not picking up the kids when promised.

Fuck the affair partner.

It literally doesn't matter to them if they don't believe in duty. They just want one or both people to capitulate. They honestly don't give a shit who does.

Seriously a marriage counselor basically follows this script if they suck:

MC: "How does it make you feel when spouse does X?"

S1: "It really hurts."

MC: "S2, see how much S1 hurts. Would you consider changing your behavior?"

S2: "Nah S1 can suck it up and deal because X is important to me."

MC: "S1, see how important this is for S2, maybe you could see past it hurting you since it isn't about you."

X could literally be anything.

Beat for beat what how the one we went to fir a while sounded. Such a waste of money.

I would also caution against going to MC, if you have recent infidelity in your marriage.

If you have both been in IC and feel that you are solidly in a good R then maybe, I guess.

As a professional therapist, here are my thoughts on about 90% of therapist.

They do not go into the business because they are healthy people. They usually go into the business because they want to "help" others not go through something they went through. Most therapist do not work on their own shit. There are plenty of good ones out there, just be ready to sift through the rabble to find one.

Marriage counselors are experts at rugsweeping and blame shifting because that is generally how people learn to cope with issues or meet in the middle. Take half the blame and pretend it didn't happen. THERE EVERYONE IS HAPPY AGAIN!

This is exactly my experience. I've sat in an office about my husband's past infidelity and his tacky behavior in the aftermath only to be told that I need to acknowledge I have faults, too. Of course, we were told other things and very key tips that could have helped. But after hearing so much of what could have opened his eyes, my husband's big takeaway always ended up being the advice that was told to me - that I'm not perfect (as if complaining about the affair and unfair treatment in aftermath makes me think I'm perfect).

A few years ago, a friend of our family sort of said something similar to what you said here and actually warned me that our marriage counselor was trying to push us in a direction where he'd come out looking like a true problem-solver by forcing us to rugsweep. And even though that particular counselor didn't use your script example, other counselors have pushed that same script you mentioned onto us.

If you have both been in IC and feel that you are solidly in a good R then maybe, I guess.

It was my fwh's IC that told him to stop the phone tracking.

As a professional therapist, here are my thoughts on about 90% of therapist.

They do not go into the business because they are healthy people. They usually go into the business because they want to "help" others not go through something they went through. Most therapist do not work on their own shit. There are plenty of good ones out there, just be ready to sift through the rabble to find one.

This is not surprising. I am so exhausted that Im getting burnt out looking for one He and I have both have been looking but seemingly for the wrong reasons. I need more than just a referee with his or her own issues.

Psychology Today hosts a 'find a therapist' section. Also, your health insurance provider may list therapists, as do many local review websites.

*****

MC treats the M. When cheating occurs, it's not an M failure - it's a WS failure. If therapy is one of the tactics you use, the WS needs IC.

The M may need therapy, but probably later.

MC can be useful early if the BS needs help communicating with the WS.

MC can also be extremely useful with a skilled MC who deals with the A first. My W got us in to see her IC on d-day. I was skeptical until I heard the IC say things like:

To heal, WS, you need to answer all his questions.

If you want a chance at R, WS, you need to answer all his questions.

And...

If you want a chance at R, sisoon, your W needs to change the thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and internal processes that enabled her to cheat. That means hard work and probably a lot of time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:45 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

If therapy is one of the tactics you use, the WS needs IC.

The M may need therapy, but probably later.

He's definitely had IC on and off for years with more than one people. I have also. But we keep returning to this point because he's not a truly repentant person. The truth is that a person who really wants to change and pursue their family like they pursued an AP can actually walk out of the office of a lousy IC or MC and still walk out their love and grow from there.

I'm pretty tired.

he's not a truly repentant person

Sounds like he will never be.

I'm sorry.

he's not a truly repentant person

Sounds like he will never be.

I'm sorry.

It looks like that. That's why I'm so tired. I'm tired of lies, secrecy, reckless decisions, and all his speeches about how we can work it out if we both try.

Betrayal trauma specialists do provide couples counseling at the appropriate time if they believe a WS has disclosed the whole truth and is truly remorseful. I would look for someone who specializes in this area and then let them guide you as to appropriate levels of MC/CC

As a professional therapist, here are my thoughts on about 90% of therapist.

They do not go into the business because they are healthy people. They usually go into the business because they want to "help" others not go through something they went through. Most therapist do not work on their own shit. There are plenty of good ones out there, just be ready to sift through the rabble to find one.

So enlightening thank you! This is why I come to SI - knowledge. Makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t crazy to doubt the MC we had and his tactics. We went for too long.

By the way I often wonder how often therapists themselves come here to read and witness how crowdsourced wisdom is steadily eviscerating their profession. Some level of wholesale internal reforms seems to be in order.

By the way I often wonder how often therapists themselves come here to read and witness how crowdsourced wisdom is steadily eviscerating their profession. Some level of wholesale internal reforms seems to be in order.

Interesting you'd say this. So many times I would just WISH our former MC would visit SI. But I never told him about it because I don't want to disclose my id/info to anybody, including MC.

Where in Texas?

If you live near Grapevine/Southlake, I can tell you which counsellor not to use.

I always thought that cheating was bad bad bad. Apparently not. You are totally allowed to cheat, for a multitude of reasons, from bad lasagna recipe to your dog being sick. And if the BS is traumatized and has, ya know, massive trust issues... fear not. Not your fault. They need to deal with it on their own. They need to learn to trust you. It was quiet an eye opener. Especially for the amount we were paying.

One told me I should scream at A CHAIR so I would be all zen when the husband would come back... from work...where the OW was still also working. Plan was apparently to entice him with being the sexy beast, forgiving, cool as a cucumber wifette so Hubby would fall in love with me again. Obviously this was a total no go since I couldn't stand his face. Also, being French, I should just stuff it because it's part of my "culture". So what was le probleme?

Anyway. Marital counselling made everything worst.

Where in Texas?

If you live near Grapevine/Southlake, I can tell you which counsellor not to use.

I always thought that cheating was bad bad bad. Apparently not. You are totally allowed to cheat, for a multitude of reasons, from bad lasagna recipe to your dog being sick. And if the BS is traumatized and has, ya know, massive trust issues... fear not. Not your fault. They need to deal with it on their own. They need to learn to trust you. It was quiet an eye opener. Especially for the amount we were paying.

One told me I should scream at A CHAIR so I would be all zen when the husband would come back... from work...where the OW was still also working. Plan was apparently to entice him with being the sexy beast, forgiving, cool as a cucumber wifette so Hubby would fall in love with me again. Obviously this was a total no go since I couldn't stand his face. Also, being French, I should just stuff it because it's part of my "culture". So what was le probleme?

Anyway. Marital counselling made everything worst.

I'm willing to go anywhere in Texas - especially with virtual sessions now available with platforms like Zoom.

I am so sorry to read about your experience with those MC's. Those are horrible experiences. Are there any review websites where you can tell your experience? I honestly don't understand how some of the MC's were able to start or stay in practice. At least our MC's had the intentions to help change my wh's behavior - though they missed the mark on his behavioral patterns because of scripted approaches as mentioned above, formulas, and lacking insight.

Have you given up on looking for a good MC? I am beginning to believe that good, effective ones are diamonds in the rough.

As a professional therapist, here are my thoughts on about 90% of therapist.

They do not go into the business because they are healthy people. They usually go into the business because they want to "help" others not go through something they went through. Most therapist do not work on their own shit. There are plenty of good ones out there, just be ready to sift through the rabble to find one.

Something I’ve always said was - no matter how much schooling a therapist has had, they can only help you to the extent that they’ve helped themselves in their own personal work. School can’t do that for you.

MC will not make your H realize he is a total shit, and remorseful for his actions. No matter how good they are. It's not what they are there for.

MC is for working on your M. Which is usually communication, and helping each other understand where their partner is coming from. Period. That's why MC isn't recommended for newbies, it is extremely rare to have a WS be remorseful in the early days.

What will make the WS remorseful? Well that's the hard part. For me it, it was an absolute refusal of tolerating his lies, his broken NC, and doing the work he needed to do to own his A, and all the bad choices that came with it. Ultimately for us it was me telling him to get out, I was ready to file.

Unfortunately the saying you have to be willing to lose your M to save it, it 100% true.

The other therapy mistake we make when we have been victimized by an A is looking for a therapist that specializes in infidelity. What we need is therapy in trauma, and betrayal, and finding ourselves again.

By the way I often wonder how often therapists themselves come here to read and witness how crowdsourced wisdom is steadily eviscerating their profession. Some level of wholesale internal reforms seems to be in order.

One day I will eventually start my own practice and all of my education about infidelity has come from this place and the wisdom here.

The only difficulty of this site is sifting through all the different post and finding wisdom in some of the chaos here. but Ive been on this site for about 4 years now.