While it seems you are progressing in your thinking, it’s clear that you still think you haven’t told her “just perfectly” how you feel, at least not well enough so that she can finally have that A-HA moment and finally make you the most important person in your life and show the empathy her Bad choices deserve.
How long has it been since you figured it all out from the date you consider DDay1?
*All out*.
That's hard to say. Because it involves finding out about her environmental factors and large number of friends that condone or at the very minimum do not condemn affairs. That was probably around April and the first time I asked for a divorce. All such affairs have since ended. And I think as some people have pointed out, all of her friends have gotten off "scott free".
This has been a continued contributor to her minimization. She has agreed to not bring up comparisons between our marriage and others again. I told her that if I was any of their husbands I would have kicked them to the curb. She seems to think since others can forgive long term affairs, surely I can forgive a few dates over two months.
The question you need to ask yourself is do you think you can ever find happiness with a partner who has taken this long to make the slowest of baby steps. Will you ever truly feel safe and secure and more importantly, loved.
According to my divorce letter, no. Since I do not trust her, and it seems unlikely that I ever will, we ought to just end things.
Honestly, while I understand wanting her to make the decision to leave the job because she wants the peace of mind for both you and her very badly, at the very least, if she truly got it finally right now, she’d be researching and applying for new jobs right now, without prompting.
That is something I’d be watching for and without seeing it, I would not be putting anything in the D process on hold.
I want to use mediation, which includes her agreeing the D is the best option. I can obviously file on my own at any point without agreement. I do think it would be best to arrive to an agreed upon conclusion, because I don't want things to be combative in D. I know I can't control D, but if it's mutually agreed on it will be better for me no matter what.
At some point TIF, your wife needs to be a grown up and figure out herself what it takes to rebuild a relationship she destroyed. She is not your daughter looking for advice from dear old dad. She’s is a grown woman and you are still holding her hand most of the way.
Yes, I have demanded she lead the rejuvenated efforts and make a plan. Which is in itself a form of hand holding. I pointed out that I bought the books, I figured out the strategies for healing, I did all this stuff and I was constantly pulling her along. Her efforts may be short lived and insufficient or maybe it will click. IDK.
The approach you are taking may slowly get you where you want to be over months or probably years, but once you get there you will reflect and say to yourself, “should that have been so much work to get her to see what pain she inflicted on me? I had to do both her work and mine to get us here before she would agree to stop betraying me in one form or another. Would someone who truly loves me behave that way? If the roles were reversed would I have made such a lackadaisical effort toward recovery, empathy and remorse? Then why am I accepting this lesser relationship with someone who did not deem me worth the effort without constant prodding and pushing?”
I could be accused of being an apologist for WSs. The answer to me isn't actually clear. Maybe that's my own hang-up. What if I went on secret dates with a woman I found attractive, never slept with, but definitely crossed the line. I kissed her once and a few days later my wife found out. What if, after that, I set what I thought were appropriate boundaries to make sure the affair was over and wouldn't repeat. I write and send an NC letter and show it to my BS. Then my BS got up in my face about not doing enough. Meanwhile I feel like I've given up this friend, made sure I'm not going to repeat, and gone to marriage counseling. At that session it's pointed out that I can break trust, but that building trust comes from my partner. So as long as I keep doing what I say I should be building trust. Ok. That I can get.
Breaking NC I don't get.
What we are saying to you about moving on and letting her figure it out if she truly wants you as a life partner, is to keep you from finding yourself down the road at that point thinking “I should have just left”.
So I’ll say it once again, my recommendation is to let her keep on the process she is undertaking, but be true to your word, start the D process. She has had months and more than a year to truly make a difference. If she truly cared she would understand you doing what you have to do.
See comments about mediation above. Otherwise I agree.
I said it early on, R doesn’t begin when the Wayward says they will work to change and fix themselves. It starts when they HAVE.... when they completed that work.
It’s ok to let her know that you love her, but reinforce that you cannot be with her as your partner with the attitude and approach she has taken toward recover and that if she ever truly makes a change you’d be willing to start discussing a possible future. Until then you will be working on finding your way to a happy and satisfying life without her, someone who does not seem interested in truly sharing that life with you.
This is good advice and it's essentially what I have told her.
So if I read this correctly she agreed to end friendship with this gay friend of OM which for some reason you were ok with but where the hell is her agreement to go NC and end her contact with OM . Or does she need more book reading to get that not too complicated requirement.
You are so focused on this job which for some strange reason you think will take OM out of the picture. She made a damm date with the guy and you actually think she won’t do that again UNLESS she goes total NC and you verify it ???
Changing the job is part of true NC. She has sent him a previous NC communication that she showed me under the "modified work only NC". That of course she blew through. I mean, we can repeat history here. I'm not unfamiliar with it.
Your response might have made some sense if she emphatically told you she was ending all contact with him and would prove it . So you’re right back to “trust her “
You can't prove a negative. You can't prove no contact. Unless I strap a GoPro to her forehead and record and review her life 24/7 there is no way to prove she hasn't gone underground. So at some point, yes, trust must be re-established.
Right now, I do not trust her.
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:00 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]
