I am sad. I grieved the loss of contact years ago. My childhood was divided, by me and my brother, then me and my sister. When she was in pre k, he had been drafted was in Vietnam. Hence, me having very different memories of my childhood with both. My brother lived with my grandparents from 13 up. Honestly, the school didn’t know what to do with him, he was so far advanced he was bored. He got into trouble, the decision was made, for him to go to a more advanced school, by my grandparents.
They would pick me up on the weekends for camping etc. my sister has no memories of that. I actually talked to two of my cousins last night, they were same age as me. We talked about my brother in a different way then my sister and I did.
On the funerals parlor website, there was a way to buy several trees to be planned in memory. I am doing that, mentioned to my sister, she wanted to have a tree delivered to his son. She never met our nephew, I did. I told her I thought having a nursery deliver a tree with it’s ball was whacked. Hey, your Dad died go dig a hole for what you may or may not want.
I wasn’t allowed to speak to my nephew, I sided with his wife during court. He beat her when she was pregnant and despite his very high salary, had no electricity in his house and kept it filthy. I did what was right for my nephew.
I did speak to my nephew last night, he didn’t understand why he wanted to scattered at a particular beach. I was able to explain the memories from there. He asked me to come when the ashes are scattered. I told him if he had questions about my brother from the 70s and 80s, which he said his Dad wouldn’t talk about, that I could and would answer them. He wouldn’t talk about the 80s because our Mama and Grandma passed. Then our Granny later, he stopped feeling apart of the extended family. He was still very close to me, but was very arrogant and felt my sister was ignorant and he had nothing in common with her. She married early, so it didn’t cause a lot of friction as I was able to travel to see him and we shared an apartment, prior to the cocaine. The cocaine started and I was out. Still close but wouldn’t live with him. The abuse started after a older relative died and he had issues with the will. I had no decision making in this and according to the will as written, my brother, myself and sister were not given what money and jewelry wise what we should have been. Instead of blaming the decision makers he got angry at me.
I have guilt I let my Mom down, as I was the one who could have kept him in the family. I know for my sanity I did the right thing. Yesterday, was the period saying no chance of talking to him again. Like others have said, no one that truly shared the majority of my childhood.
Thank you all for your support, it means a lot. I was upset with my sister as she has these memories that are stories she heard. I didn’t say that to her, she is a very black and white person, no shades of grey. Plus it would be hurtful and it wasn’t a contest. Oh, the best part is my daughter wanted to say hello and she was sorry and sad, my sister decided to lecture her and shame her. I had to step into the conversation and tell my sister, we are talking about our brother, not something on social media that has been addressed by her father and I. I wanted to go off on my sister. I held my tongue got my daughter out of the room and redirected.
I know I have FOO issues. I talked to my Dad, after I found out. He said he wasn’t sure what to feel. 6 months after I made my boundaries my Dad did the same, after my brother threatened to kill him. I am not sure my sister really understands. My brother didn’t want a relationship with her, he did with me and Dad. Very sad. I am sure I said to much. I really appreciate your talking about estranged siblings and death and the condolences.
