SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First let me wish you all a happy new year. 2020 was a difficult year for everyone but for me it was more than that. It was a year of radical changes in my life. A year in which I discovered that my highly moral and educated wife had been cheating on me and living a love a story outside of our real world with a guy that’s 14 years older than us but probably $14 million richer too. The discovery that lead me here and eventually made me question many things about my life and who really I am. It also changed me I think for good. I realized the changes today while sitting in peace more than 1000 miles away from my house and business with no worries in my mind. This was never me, the real me is anxious to go back after the 3rd day, the real me is always on his phone checking on work, the real me is always planning and re-planning and overthinking. The new me is somehow reckless I feel, the new me is taking a time off while the business is kind of struggling, I’m down to 2 employees, even my own son went to work for someone else. I don’t know what caused this change, maybe IC although I’ve only attended 3 sessions, or maybe my wife affair shook me and turned me upside down. I am inexplicably indifferent about my wife; I know it could be just a stage at this moment, but it is not what I see in many BS here this early. I could have chosen to go back to her like before and I would have been Ok with it, I still have feelings for her and wants her sexually, but I decided not for many reasons, one of them is definitely the effect of this forum but also looking at her recently made me wonder if she is really safe fore me. She seems to be drifting more toward her religious faith, she spends most of her time doing church related things to an extreme limit, she also became extremist in her political views, for example (I don’t want to stir up politics here) at one point she was thinking that (no politics). I’m worried about her, after all I spent all my adult life with her and she is the mother of my children, but her behavior has somehow made me resent her, not sure if ‘resent” is the right word here. What confuses me is that in the past she always complained about me being too anxious oblivious to her, not enjoying life even during vacations, but now after her affair I’m changing and I can’t deny the feeling of guilt, I know everyone here swears that affairs have nothing to do with BS, but reality is that in my case I was a jerk of a partner. I feel guilty that I in a way facilitated her affair when I refused to change then after I decided to change I dropped her. She always wanted the new me and I believe she wouldn’t have stepped outside the marriage if the new me had come 3 years ago. I don’t know why I’m writing this, the old real me would have bottled all that.

I made it known to everyone that I was divorcing her, she is devastated but accepting, my kids are accepting but sad. I do not have a plan for anything yet, which isn’t a typical me. Everyone around me (except my brother and my mother) thinks I’m doing this out of depression, and I should take more time, one thing for sure I’m not depressed, they just do not know what living in the limbo means.

I know the feelings I have could be temporary but even that is ok I will deal with new feelings when they come. Right now I just want to move on. For the first time I was able to visualize myself being single dating other women, and who knows what future may bring, I could be dating my STXW again one day.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:48 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 10:48 PM, Thursday, December 31st]

Affairs, like any major life trauma, change us. But unlike a random, act of God event, I think they have a deeper and more profound effect. We are pack animals at our core. Our relationship ships are build on connection, starting with immediate family and radiate outwards. Some research has shown that our brains cannot comprehend anything beyond about 200 people, or the size of an average tribe or clan unit. It's almost as if we are built for this level of intimate connection and it gives us the strength and resiliancy to survive.

This connection is so critical to our survival that in ancient times, only the most serious punishments were reserved for betrayal of the clan, shunning or death. I think infidelity is so traumatic because it breaks the fundamental bonds that have allowed us as a species to survive and thrive for thousands of years. If we had to constantly watch our back while we watched our front, we would have perished, and so we learned to trust our kin. As well, our kin knew not to betray us because their punishment meant certain death, as the clan was critical for survival. So when our closest partner betrays us, it fractures us on a core level.

But today, we have a world built upon nihilistic individualism, where we are the centre of our universe and told to live our best loves, not for others, but for ourselves. Happiness, not contentment or safety, is our goal, and we have adopted a version of rational utilitarianism: something is good so long as it makes me happy. When it ceases to make me happy, it ceases to be good, so chuck it. So when we cease to give our partner that tingley feeling society has programmed them to expect, trade up for a new one. Chase that carrot.

One thing that really pissed me off was people telling me that the A would make me a stronger person, and one day, I might thank my wife for being a skank. Turns out, they were partially right. I havent thanked my STBXWW yet, but I am not the man I was before. I am much stronger, more resiliant. I am significantly more in touch with my emotions, seek therapy when needed, and constantly seek to both understand and better myself. I chase excellence.

But as with all things, these have come with a cost, and that cost has been dear. I am obsessive about things, easily angered, untrusting, and bitter. I have lost all faith in humanity now that I have seen its ugly side. I don't experience joy anymore. I could go on, but just do your own list and that would be mine as well. We all have one.

But, and here is the but. After 4 plus years, I am healing significantly. If I were to chart or graph my healing, It would bring a smile to my face. There is a significant upward vector. From this alone, i know there are amazing things ahead for me, and for you as I have closely followed your story. I intend to live the shit out of my life before i go on to the next. And when i go tits up, it will be with the knowledge that i did not just survive infidelity, I thrived it.

Many times reading your threads, i have wished we could go and tip a pint at a quiet pub somewhere and pend an afternoon just talking about our shit. You are a good and honourable man, AH and that is the single greatest compliment I could give you.

Good to hear you’re feeling some peace.

Whether it’s temporary, or whether it’s lasting, doesn’t really matter.

Just enjoy it while it’s here.

2020 was a year of big challenges. 2021 will be a year of big changes.

Wishing you the best going forward.

Its not unusual at all for goals to change for feelings to change and for people to start anew . I think you have possibly put other peoples needs above your own for a long time . You were not working just for yourself you were working to support your family , its an all consuming job .

I think its a really good idea for you to take some time off and re-connect to your own needs and wants .

Nice to hear from you in your more relaxed state. I might disagree about you being the facilitator for your wife's betrayal. It was a choice she made for herself and had nothing to do with you.

But now you face a new world with a clean slate. Go, explore, and have some fun.

Keep trucking to keep yourself financially secure, whatever it takes. I don't think your feelings (or lack thereof) towards your wife are strange at all. When my former partner cheated on me, my brain ceased to see her as this wonderful tender beautiful creature. She instantly became just another club skank, and she was revolting to me. You are experiencing a very mild version of this mental flip.

You can take responsibility for your part in the problems your marriage had, but at the end of the day, nobody was forcing her to stay with you. She chose to stay. She chose to cheat. She chose the ultimate betrayal, and that is 100% her responsibility. She owns the consequences to you, herself, and the rest of your family.

I'm glad your brother and your mom aren't condescending you. What universe do those other people live in where DIVORCING A CHEATING SPOUSE = an act of depression?

Thanks for checking in.

Among other things, cheaters are: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse.

Maybe it was some sort of mid life crisis that triggered those characteristics or maybe she was always vulnerable to adultery - but those characteristics were in her head growing stronger all the time she was married to you.

1 - the church wasn't enough to hold her in check why think you would be. She was active in the church prior to reinventing herself and ultimately finding a lover. So maybe you should blame the church for failing her (and her family).

2 - her role in the community, including the respect & admiration of her friends and family wasn't enough for her ego - why think you would have been.

3 - could you have been a better partner (yes we all can) but no 'new' version of yourself would have been enough. No husband can compete with a fantasy (the OM).

What she 'needed' was not something any husband could give her (e.g., the thrill of feeling young free and single).

She would still have met the OM and attributed a lot of false fantasy notions to him and thrown all her morals away in order to justify the affair to herself.

** And lets not forget her best friend at work who failed her - and actually double dated with your wife and the OM.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:17 AM, January 1st (Friday)]

A shock like being betrayed hits one's core. I think it's relatively normal to ask oneself what's really important and to start going after that.

Your business is important on many levels, but it may not be permanently important to you. Being able to relax is of permanent value.

Thinking has permanent value, but over-thinking, not so much. The ability to plan has permanent value. Attempting to plan out a D process, maybe not, because you can't control the major part of the process.

And don't discount that fact that you've done a lot in your life, and that has prepared you to do a lot more. Some things don;t need your thought or planning, because you already know how to do what you need to do.

That's a pollyanna-ish view, which may be wrong. You have to monitor yourself. Change yourself if you aren't getting done what you need to get done, but if you're meeting you needs, maybe you don't need to change right now.

How ironic these horrific things your WW has done has in the end strengthened you and released you from some of the anxiety that vexed you over things that in the end are not the most important things in your life. This hard earned new self confidence will serve you well in the next stages of your life. Sucks how it came about but congrats on taking full control of your life.

Sounds like you are finding inner peace. That is good. However, don’t beat yourself up too much for being a jerk. You did what you needed to keep the family safe and warm and well fed. All marriages have conflict, but fucking around for years is not a solution. It is marital murder.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Only 2 thoughts. First, next time she starts whinging and whining about your decision, ask her one question. Is there any doubt she would still be sneaking around for a quick fuck if you hadn’t caught her? You know the answer to that, and if she has an iota of truth in her, so does she.

For that reason, considering her as a possible dating relationship after divorce is a very bad idea.

Wishing you the best AH, I have little doubt you will find the path that is best for you, no matter the direction.

Good Luck.

Justsomeguy, I think you have a written such a profound answer that I would like to continue it. There is no life led by us that makes it to old age without profound sadness. That is the human condition, memory.

Human beings try to make sense of behaviors that are completely opposite of healthy decisions. Why would someone, who knows about sexually transmitted diseases, proceed to have unprotected sex with someone they do not know. What hijacks their brains to the point that they lose all sense of right and wrong? The reasoning is that those powerful hormones in our brains push us towards another person for procreation. So it seems that our pair bonding is diametrically opposed to our tribe. If we step out of the safety of our tribe, those that care for us and protect us, and leads us to someone who has nothing in mind except sex and exploitation, we have upset everything.

I am always astounded at how quickly people think it’s no big deal that Jeff Bezos cheated on his wife, or that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife, and had a child by this woman, or that Bill Clinton cheated on his wife. Of course there are millions upon millions of women who have done the same thing they just don’t happen to be public figures.It’s almost as if in order to feel comfortable again we circle the wagons. “Come back in here, come back in here with us and we will let this go.”

I do believe we have taken the Constitution’s promise that we can pursue happiness as a guarantee of it which is not the case at all. It seems so odd to me that the human being who can love so carefully and gently can turn around and kill. I think about Betty Broderick who killed her ex-husband and his new young pretty wife. She will spend the rest of her life in prison for revenge. I think there are many women who sympathize with her, not for the murder, for the unremitting pain she must have felt at being rejected.

One last thing. In my job I dealt with grief stricken people, men and women and children. Grief makes you crazy. That is an understatement. Grief makes you out of control. There were many armchair psychologist trying to come up with a diagnosis of princess Diana and her behavior when all anyone had to do was think about a grief stricken 19-year-old who found out her new husband had never wanted to marry her and was in fact in love with another woman. Princess Diana had been abandoned by her mother so she had very little to hang onto to get her through that. So she did what most people do in the depths of despair, she acted out.

That’s what most people who come on here are doing, they’re losing their minds. They are hoping that someone on this forum can figure out a way for them to get back their own life which will never happen. They are begging for help here to not really know the truth of their lives. This is a remarkable place because it gives the most damaged person some hope that at the other end there really is light.

C2Hwell said. the SI community is filled with amazing people. Without it, I would be rudderless for certain.

Glad you feel more peaceful, good luck for 2021.

Strength and Respect ✊ to you.

One day at a time.

I am inexplicably indifferent about my wife

It’s been my experience in life that once the problem, the solution and the necessity become clear we attain an inner peace.

I experienced this first within 10 minutes after my d-day. My d-day was about as clear and graphic as they come, and unlike most here I didn’t go through a period of doubt or second guessing if there was something going on. In the 10 minutes after walking in on them I grasped that leaving was by far my best solution.

Plenty of reasons that was best for me, ranging from that we were not married (5 year relationship and exactly 4 weeks and 6 days from our big planned wedding), although we had our eye on a house we still had no major joint financial commitment, no kids… It wasn’t for lack of love but more for lack of belief.

Like we all do I went through all the emotions and turmoil on discovery, but then it was like water pouring on a fire. I still remember the feeling flowing into me and the calm it brough. I had a decision; I knew what I had to do and all that was left was to work out the details and implement.

It all came to light to me when I was fortunate enough to hear a talk by Aron Ralston. He’s the guy whose arm was stuck under a rock when exploring a gully in Utah. They made a movie about this event. He described how he tried everything – EVERYTHING – imaginable to escape or get the rock off his arm. After some time, he realized that if he didn’t get free, he would die of thirst and/or become too weak to save himself. He thought his options through and realized that at some point his only option would be to amputate his arm.

The way he told the story then this possibility was on the table quite some time before he realized it was his best option. It was never his only option – the other one was to take the chance of being found before he died a horrible death of exposure or thirst.

At this point in the talk Ralston described experiencing a flow of peace going through his body – the same feeling of water pouring over a fire I experienced. Like Aron I wasn’t joyous about the decision, he wasn’t looking forwards to hacking off his arm with a pocketknife just like I wasn’t excited about moving out and ending the engagement. But it had to be done.

In my instance the decision and implementation was near instant. Probably because it was technically easy.

In Ralston case in the gully it took more time. He reached his decision and planned how he would go about self-amputating with a pocketknife, a shoelace to staunch the blood, how to twist to break bones and so on. He also realized he had some time before implementing – just in case he was found, or another solution came to light. But once he reached the point where it couldn’t be delayed, he saw his plan through.

I think your indifference indicates you have reached that point.

You have realized that YOU will be fine no matter if you remain married or if you divorce. You have realized that YOU are getting out of infidelity. You are OK with the decision to divorce it that’s what will get you there.

It’s not necessarily what you want – not any more than I wanted to experience my fiancé having an affair or not any more than Aron wanted to hack away his arm. Its what needs to be done. It’s the logical consequence of the situation.

Now – had my fiancé in some way been able to explain what was going on my implementation of my decision might have changed. But then – I can’t for the life of me come up with a reasonable reason for what that man was doing between her thighs that could make me reconsider.

In Aron Ralston’s case I am 100% certain that until the last moment when the last bone and sinew gave way, he was open to a better solution. I am 100% certain that in the day or so from his decision to the implementation he wouldn’t have turned a rescuer away because he had already decided to amputate his arm. His goal wasn’t to amputate the arm – the goal was to escape alive.

I think you can take that attitude and apply that to your situation as appropriate. I know you have had doubts about R or D and that your wife is the queen of false R. With a company and a long marriage and family divorce won’t be straight-forward or easy.

I’m going to suggest you do what Ralston did – decided, prepare and implemented. Start sharpening your knives and arranging your tourniquets. Talk to an attorney and an accountant, start preparing for filing and understanding the process, the timeline and all that. Start the emotional detachment. Approach this all with reality: the law is quite clear on the framework of divorce. If you are committed to D then start the emotional detachment as well.

If you have some hope that MAYBE there is something left in this marriage… Well… That’s like Aron not diving into cutting off his arm right away after deciding that’s what he needed to do. He waited for as long as he could, but he was totally clear that at some point he needed to start. During that wait he was totally open for new ideas. Had another hiker found him he wouldn’t have turned him away because he was committed to amputating his arm. THAT – the amputation/the divorce – isn’t the goal. Escaping alive/getting out of infidelity is the goal.

Good for you! Keep moving forward. You need time for yourself to heal and to leave all the pain behind. Take your time, live a little. Please keep us posted. Good luck

Really good to know that you have had significant healing. It gives me hope and a feeling that ,one day, I can feel better. I know that it will take time, but, I will follow your example.

Hey AHG how are you doing? Is your divorce underway and has your WW stopped trying to contact you. Hope all is well with you and your family.

What confuses me is that in the past she always complained about me being too anxious oblivious to her, not enjoying life even during vacations, but now after her affair I’m changing and I can’t deny the feeling of guilt, I know everyone here swears that affairs have nothing to do with BS, but reality is that in my case I was a jerk of a partner. I feel guilty that I in a way facilitated her affair when I refused to change then after I decided to change I dropped her.

Yeah okay, so you were a jerk. Maybe so. And she could have gone and seen a lawyer and divorced you for being a jerk. That is what an adult does. An adult doesn't go cheat on a spouse and then blame the spouse for the cheating. She looked outside the marriage to heal the marriage, and that never works. I doubt very highly that she was any better a spouse than you.