Newest Member: old914

Divorce/Separation :
I am divorced!

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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 1:57 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

So... yesterday was a big update day.

I had my kids this weekend, who reported that they have been sleeping at xWW's new house for about a week. I am not certain of the details from a legal perspective, but xWW's BF has been officially living at this house since December.

So, on Sunday evening, I sent xWW a message and I asked her for her new address. She did not respond.

Last night, I sent a follow-up inquiry, this time reminding her that according to the parenting plan that she signed... that she had 24 hours to inform me of any new address change... and the purpose of this requirement is so that I can come get the kids in an emergency.

She angrily responded that she had just sold her house and that she had 24 hours (according to the parenting plan) to inform me of her new address. I responded that the legalities of her buying/selling the house were irrelevant; I simply have a legal right to know where my kids are living... and they had been living at this house for a week.

At that point... things got interesting...

First, she accused me of threatening her. I responded that threats take the form of "do this or else I will do that." I did not threaten to do anything and in fact, given that there are no parenting plan police in existence (I am right on this, correct?)... that there literally could be no "or else...". I simply told her that I wanted to know where my kids are and that the parenting plan requires her to provide that information.

Second, she informed me that she had paid off her car. Meaning, I am no longer financially linked to her via a car loan. She then accused me of intentionally telling US Bank (the bank that provided the car loan) to send all correspondence to my current address so that she couldn't get it. This is an interesting allegation... that has a very simple explanation. I put in a change of address form and US Bank has continued to send me the paperwork because of that. That is, US Bank is sexist and they send the documents to the address of the man in the relationship. Anyway, this allegation suggests that she is paranoid that I am out to get her.

Third, she accused me of not giving her my address as required by the parenting plan. This, of course, is false as it relates to the parenting plan. She specifically complained that I have been living at this address for a couple of years without her knowledge. While that is true, my children did not stay at this house (ever) until I told her that they were staying at this house (when I officially moved her in July 2020). Basically, she's angry that I moved on from her and then moved in with my girlfriend...

Anyway, the REALLY GOOD news in all of this:

1. I am no longer financially entangled with her for a home mortgage, a second mortgage, and a car loan. These were the last of our financial entanglements.

2. I have her admitting to her address, which matches the address that her boyfriend provided on property tax documents when he sold his home in November. That is, I now have strong evidence that she is living with her BF and thus almost certainly disqualifying her from receiving alimony. I emailed my attorney last night (Attorney#3 for those of you trying to keep track).

3. I "ruined" her first official night in her new home. Instead of celebrating with her boyfriend, she was all pissed off and emailing back-and-forth with me.

edited to add: One astonishing thing about xWW is that she is VERY angry at me, particularly when it comes to the fact that I started dating my GF and that I have since moved in with her. Our working theory is that she will eventually start accusing me of having an affair. The voice in my head (imitating Darth Vader) says: The power of projection is strong with this one.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:22 AM, March 30th (Tuesday)]

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8646653
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DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 2:57 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Nice!

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8646667
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:02 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I am sure the more you are able to see your XWW from a distance, the more you are able to confirm that she is not a healthy person and you are much better off with her out of your life. It must be a nice confirmation that you made the right decision.

Can you now drop the appeal and just file based on her co-habitation to have the alimony canceled? It would seem to me that it would be the easier (and hopefully cheaper) solution, but I know little about these things.

Our working theory is that she will eventually start accusing me of having an affair.

I expect that you are correct in your assumption as it will allow her to play the victim and alleviate her of being the guilty party. Regardless, you can be sure she has already been lying to herself and others about the end of your M and why YOU are responsible. Best to continue as you are and ignore it.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8646867
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Can you now drop the appeal and just file based on her co-habitation to have the alimony canceled? It would seem to me that it would be the easier (and hopefully cheaper) solution, but I know little about these things.

I asked my lawyer (Lawyer#3) the same thing and she basically dodged the question.

I am pretty sure that the State statute requires that we wait a year before going back to the judge and modifying alimony because of co-habitation. I don't think that my lawyer knew this Statute... and she's slightly embarrassed to admit it... because who (other than xWW) is so stupid/brazen to IMMEDIATELY start living with a romantic partner? It's just not something that comes up very often, I'm guessing.

(but you have to give her credit for speed... the divorce was final on February 1 and it's not even April 1st and she has already sold her house and moved into a new one with a new guy).

Anyway, my lawyer says that the first step of the appeal process is appellate mediation, which apparently has much more power than regular-divorce mediation (i.e., where the mediator has no power at all). My lawyer wants to focus on the judge's mistake... and she said that we can also bring up the co-habitation too.

My guess is that my lawyer wants to go the appeal route because it won't be modifiable.

That is, what if xWW kicks out her BF and suddenly she's not living with him any longer? Let's remember that xWW has already demonstrated that she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants.

I'm mostly guessing. I am really trying hard to avoid spending time on the appeal... which means that I am not asking my attorney many questions.

Regardless, you can be sure she has already been lying to herself and others about the end of your M and why YOU are responsible. Best to continue as you are and ignore it.

I'm not worried about her at all. The funny thing is... I have *never* missed her once the decision to get divorced was made. There is another on-going thread about the emotional roller coaster after you decide to get divorced... and I never had that -- I was just happy/relieved to be out of that horrible marriage. In the same thread, I literally said that I waited WAY too long to get divorced, such that I had zero doubts about it (like a normal, healthy person would have).

These days, I am analyzing my responses to her whack-nutty behavior. I am a crazy-honest person and I do not react well to people who lie and break promises. I am comfortable with being honest (i.e., I don't want to change that), but I need to handle dishonest/promise-breaking people WAY WAY better than I do. So, I'm using her as "practice" for a facet of my personality that needs work.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8647016
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 1:06 AM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Smallest of updates...

xWW accused me of being "very threatening" today...

What did I do, you might ask?

well...

I drove my car onto her driveway and I parked it there.

The reason that I was at her house is that so our son could take the bus to school. I have done this numerous times in the past 2 years, although due to COVID...it's been awhile.

My GF thinks that she's trying to build a case against me for harassment or something. I sent all of the information (her accusation and my response to it) to my attorney already.

Luckily, I have Life 360 still on my phone from the days when we were still doing in-house separation. She specifically accused me of sitting in her driveway for over an hour. According to Life 360, the actual time was about 10 minutes (I waited until he got on the bus). So, that's the good news... I have evidence that her accusations are false.

I feel so sorry for my kids. Nothing of this B.S. hurts me... it just makes our kids' lives stressful.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8649396
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:53 AM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Love it!

I love it when I’m happy and it sets my xh into a tailspin. 😂😂

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5371   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8649414
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 4:53 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Bingo!

If any of you had April 10, 2021 for the date when she started calling me a narcissist, please let me know. You have won a prize.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 10:53 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8649456
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 7:11 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

So she's retaliating because you found out she's cohabiting? And now is setting you up so she can get a restraining order? It sounds like she needs glue for her and the boyfriend's relationship! Personally, I think you need to send your information to your lawyer and on to hers to head this off at the pass.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1720   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8649483
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Watch yourself. She’s going for the jugular here.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10881   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8649539
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 1:28 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

So she's retaliating because you found out she's cohabiting? And now is setting you up so she can get a restraining order?

Actually, it's more like she knows that she has been lying all along and that her lies are catching up to her.

Another one of her accusations is that I have been disparaging her. The reality is that she disparaged me so heavily to our kids that they barely spoke to me for three months. Their heads were full of lies and I have been very carefully reminding my kids that their accusations were false. For example, one accusation is that I never did anything with the kids. For the past year, therefore, I have reminisced about various things that I did with the kids to remind them that I have always been an involved father. I never discuss xWW, except in flat/unemotional terms.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8649559
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 5:20 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

So, another update...

I now have proof that xWW and her new boyfriend bought a house together. It's in the tax records.

So, for those of you following this:

1. She took me to court because she refused to settle on child support and alimony. This cost each of us ~$20,000 in legal fees.

To be honest, it was entirely about alimony because child support is by calculator and we were "off" by only $100-$200 per month.

In contrast, she wanted $1500 per month in alimony. I thought that she deserved zero alimony (under the law). The judge awarded her $425 per month in alimony.

2. Our trial dates were late Sept and late October (two days of court, due to our inability to get court time). Her boyfriend agreed to a sale in early September and sold his house on November 30th.

3. The judge made his ruling on Feb 1. Because he made a legal error in reaching his decision, we immediately filed for an appeal and we asked her attorney about the possibility of a settlement. The total alimony that I am scheduled to pay is about $35,000 over 7 years. I would have accepted a settlement of $10-$15K because the estimate cost of the appeal is $20K (for each of us).

4. She put her house on the market on February 7. It sold almost immediately. xWW and her new BF closed on their house in late March.

So... now... in theory, because we have strong evidence that she is living with her boyfriend (buying a house together is pretty strong, yes?), she is going to be disqualified from alimony.

That is, how stupid is xWW? She paid $20K in legal fees to go to court to get alimony that she immediately threw away?

One theory that I have is that she doesn't care about any of this... as long as she can make my life difficult. It's just nuts.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8651921
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

Yeah barcher, she's a WHACK JOB!!!!!

I hope the alimony gets completely canceled out, and ask for court costs because she's so fucking stooooopid!!

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8408   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8651955
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:31 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

She paid $20K in legal fees to go to court to get alimony that she immediately threw away?

She was probably counting on that alimony to help pay for this new house. I am praying that she gets disqualified.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8080   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8651995
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 9:43 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

Another update, independent of the previous one.

We have a meeting scheduled with the mediator who works for the appellate judge in about 2 weeks.

This should be interesting. Attorney#3 called xWW's attorney a day or two after the judge's ruling and asked if xWW was going to move in with her boyfriend. The answer, at that time, was no. So, either xWW's attorney lied or xWW lies to her attorney. Either is possible, because both of them are slimy.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8652006
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 9:44 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

She was probably counting on that alimony to help pay for this new house. I am praying that she gets disqualified.

My guess is that you are right. My guess is that she will go to the appellate court and claim that her expenses have increased because she bought a new and expensive house.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8652007
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 1:51 AM on Tuesday, April 20th, 2021

So, either xWW's attorney lied or xWW lies to her attorney

Yeah, my xh lied to his atty. they took me back to court for something and it was epic seeing his atty stand there with his mouth open when I explained what the facts were.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:31 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5371   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8652081
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 12:16 AM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

I spoke to my attorney today (attorney#3).

It seems that attorney#3 will be the face of my appeal, which is good news. She had previously told me that she does not handle appeals, but apparently... she worked something out with another attorney in her office. That attorney (Attorney#4) will handle all of the paperwork and filings... and Attorney#3 will handle the mediation and oral arguments (if it comes to that). This is good news because I really like Attorney#3 and I don't have to pay another attorney to learn about my case. So, good news there.

I also learned that the estimated cost of the appeal is going to be less than half of what I had been previously told (by someone other than my attorney). Also good news.

I also was able to query Attorney#3 about the merits of our appeal. We actually have two major issues, one of which is how my salary was computed and the other is the fact that her income exceeds her budget. She feels very good about both, although she also commented that there really isn't case law for my specific situation (which is surprising to her). (I want to be vague about those details for privacy reasons)

So, next up is mediation with the appellate mediator. My attorney says that more than 90% of appeals are resolved at the mediation stage. She thinks that xWW is not being advised by her attorney very well, so her hope is that the mediator convinces her to settle. I'm very skeptical of her capitulating, so... yeah.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8652759
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 4:50 PM on Wednesday, April 28th, 2021

Count me in for team barcher

I hope this mediator has more brains than the judge.

Sending strength and loads of MOJO!!

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8408   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8654743
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 10:39 PM on Wednesday, April 28th, 2021

Any updates? I figured by now she'd be ratcheting up! I'm sure she's mighty pissed off that you haven't capitulated yet!

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1720   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8654865
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 1:14 AM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021

Any updates?

Not really. The lawyers have a "pre-mediation" meeting next week, I think. It's supposed to last only 30 minutes. My guess is that xWW's lawyer will claim that I am a wife-beater and maybe have some new accusations of domestic abuse (it's hard to say... who knows what lies they are willing to tell?). Anyway, I told my lawyer to expect this, which will require that mediation occur with me in a different room than xWW. The nice thing about COVID is that we are all now Zoom-ready, so there is a technological solution to the barrier that xWW's will try to put in place.

I figured by now she'd be ratcheting up! I'm sure she's mighty pissed off that you haven't capitulated yet!

Oh yes, she's pissed as hell. Unfortunately, when she is angry, she ratchets up the parental alienation... so, like clockwork, the kids arrived for last weekend angry at me. My oldest usually takes a day to calm down, which is what happened. My middle child is very obstinate (like her father) and I got lucky with her. She was really angry at me, but she got suspended from school so she thankfully had to admit that she makes mistakes too (xWW likes to convince the kids that she's perfect and I make mistakes, so...).

Anyway, at this point... there shouldn't be a lot of updates. I'm not likely to accept a marginal settlement because xWW is not getting alimony long term because she's now living with her BF.

********

edited to add: I think that xWW has some sort of 'thing' where she refuses to admit her mistakes. I also think that is one of the factors affecting my divorce.

For example, the law was very clear about how her salary should have been computed for the purposes of alimony and child support. She stubbornly stuck to her position for two years... only to have the judge practically ignore any arguments that she had at trial and impose the legally-required salary that I had been claiming all along.

I mention this because it happened again this week, albeit with something minor. I am paying 2/3 of the kids' medical expenses now that the divorce is final, which is a change from pre-divorce rules when I was only paying 50%. She recently but belatedly received a medical expense from December (pre-divorce) and she tried to charge me 2/3 of the total cost of that bill. When she told me what she thought that I owed her, I politely responded that I thought that her math was wrong... and I gave her my version of the math. I then said: please let me know if you disagree/agree and I will cut you a check. She failed to respond to this message, a follow-up message (sent 10 days later), and a third message that said "I'm sending you the check. If you disagree, let me know and we can reconcile later."

The narcissism is strong with this one.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:09 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5142   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8654909
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