SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am interested in hearing from other betrayed spouses. 6 years ago I discovered my wife's affair. She trickle truthed about it for days and weeks, eventually admitting to being involved with multiple men during business trips. Even admitting to old cheating she did when we were dating/engaged.

This all led me to intense overload of emotions that only a betrayed person can feel. I think for me the main feeling I had was overwhelmingly low self-esteem. I didn't think that I could find anyone else or anyone better.

I think a part of me really wanted to get to that mythical place we hear about... the "relationships that go through infidelity and are stringer on the other side." So we tried to work it out in counseling. This didn't help. Our counselor didn't really want to talk about the affair or the trauma, just wanted to move on to a complete detailed history of our entire relationship.

I developed a drinking problem. I would down a bottle of vodka every day or two for months and months. Drinking at my desk at work. On the road. Basically trying to kill myself. I would call it "hitting fast-forward" on the day. Just drink enough to make the pain go away.

This went on for about a year, I wanted out of the marriage, but didn't have the courage or self-esteem... then my wife got pregnant.

I got my life in order as far as the drinking is concerned. But stuffed all my feelings way under the rug. Buried that shit and it is still living inside me.

Years pass and my trauma is still here. I lay next to my wife and wonder if she is still messing around with people. If she really has changed or if she has just gotten more sneaky.

At this point I don't know what to do.

We have good moments together, but always in the back of my mind is the fear she is betraying me and the doubt that anything really good is happening.

Anyone else in this boat of long-lasting burial of pain and not know what to do? Has anyone been in a similar place years later and done anything to improve things in the relationship?

Google serial cheater. That will give you some insight on what you’re dealing with.

Sorry you are going through this. You need to deal with your trauma. Have you investigated any counseling focused on betrayal trauma? You don't say what you're has done to try and recover your trust. What actions has she taken? This issue will not go away by itself.

You don't mention anything about further counseling. Are either of you in IC counseling?

Living like this will eat you up from the inside out. You need to change something before this literally kills you through stress related symptoms and diseases.

What has she done to change? Is she doing anything to help you?

What have you done to change, noting none of what she has done or is doing is your fault.

Are you working on yourself? Are you working on your low self-esteem issue?

Have you told your WW how you feel and what you are going through?

I think you do now essentially the same that you would have done 6 years ago to heal - get your questions answered, decide what you want to do, process your feelings. I suspect that a good IC can be a big help after 6 years of stuffing your feelings.

Your W may have legitimately forgotten some of the things you want to know. One can forget a lot in 6 years. Six years ago, I think you'd have been more likely to process your feelings on your own than you are now, but maybe not.

I suggest framing your experience positively - you tried stuffing your feelings, and that hasn't worked. Now you're trying something else.

I've just bumped a bunch of threads that I think would be good reading for you. They're at the top of the JFO forum. I also suggest reading the pinned thread at the top of WS.

Good luck! Facing your trauma is a good step. You really can heal. Life can be good again.

You are suffering from Betrayal Trauma, which can lead to complex PTSD, so I encourage you to start dealing with it in a manner that allows you to address your emotions, not try to hide from them. This is true whether you stay in the marriage or leave it. (There is a separate forum for partners of sex addicts. You might find some comfort knowing you aren't alone.)

1) Find a betrayal trauma therapist. You can google The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals and use the pull down menu to find someone in your area

2) Read Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts by Vicki Tidwell Palmer and follow her advice (You can also subscribe to her podcasts.)

3) Join the S-Anon 12 Step program, which provides support for family & friends of sex addicts. I mention this group specifically because some are open only to women

4) Work with your therapist to arrange for a full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph for your wife. (This is a slow process and can take months or even a year, if your wife is willing to do it. And if she isn't, that speaks volumes)

5) Working with your therapist, consider EMDR or Brain spotting to help recover from the trauma.

There’s always a chance a cheater will cheat again. I think the only way to endure that knowledge is to have a plan in place for if it does happen. If you find out tomorrow she is in fact having an A, what would you do? If you don’t know that answer, you need to figure it out. You can’t control her actions, but you can help control your fear.

Even if she never cheats again, would you be happy continuing to stay in the marriage? If the answer is no, I’d say you are wasting your time pretending you are someone who can get past infidelity. Some people can’t, and that’s ok. It’s perfectly understandable, for cheating to be a dealbreaker.

sounds like you have a lot of unresolved trauma. A professional would likely do you a world of good. Someone who specializes in betrayal trauma.

I’m sorry you are still in so much pain. I wish you nothing but the best!

Brother, I feel your pain. My XWW cheated on and off for our entire relationship. Over 20 years. Just one guy (the Prick) but still. So, I get it.

Short answer, the pain will never fully go away.

It's kind of like losing a limb. You can recover and even be, in many ways, better...more fit, stronger & more social, etc...but it's always there.

We got divorced because I couldn't live with what she did, but we've been seeing each other as a couple for several years now. Things are, in many ways, better. We're closer, more communicative and honest about feelings with each other. I am a better person, too. Fit, strong, more social and assertive, etc.

A lot of the fear/doubt is gone, but it's still there. We have 4 kids who, along with many family and friends, ask 'why don't you guys get married?'. She's asked it and so have I, to myself. Why not?

Because it's still there.

Like you I suffer from low self esteem, because of my life-long weight problem. Even though I've lost, like eighty lbs of fat, put on considerable muscle and get a lot of attention from other women, my issues haunt me.

She was my 'dream girl', way out of my league in my mind and I was lucky to have her. She's a 'girl next door' shy, demure, very conservative type who dresses in long skirts, high-cut blouses, horn-rimmed glasses (yep, they still make those) and to look at her you'd never have expected this. She looks like Dawn Wells' stunt double. Really. Very pretty, but she has/had low self-esteem too.

When it all came out, I and much of my world view was shattered. It was only through a lot of therapy and a surprising amount of work and understanding from XWW that I was able to pull out of it.

So, enough preliminary stuff. Didn't mean to thread-jack.

So I ask you to ask yourself, what have YOU done to improve things, for yourself? Therapy? The gym? Hobbies? Honest discussion?

What has your WIFE done to improve things, for you and the relationship? Therapy? Honesty? Transparency? Patient understanding?

Those things are foundational, IMHO. Also, I'm not fully aware of everything in your story. So, how did you find out? Did she confess? Was she outed or did you discover? It matters. In order to move forward many of us BS must know details. What has she shared, or been willing to share, about the length, frequency and intensity of he extra-marital relationships?

I get it if you don't want to know everything. I had the misfortune of seeing videos of her with AP that he secretly recorded and she was very different than what I was used to. Precise details may not be easy for you to hear or for her to tell, but if you need them, then you need them. Be honest with her and yourself.

Marriage couseling in the early stages is usually a mistake. It takes someone (a counselor) who specializes in adultery to help you navigate though all the emotions, etc. Usually it's best for you each to do individual couseling. Have you each done it? You, for the trauma this has inflicted upon you, and yes it is a trauma as real and devastating as a car wreck or an assault. Her, to figure out why she did this, why she allowed herself to do this and to cope with her guilt (which I hope she has, as it's a good sign of remorse) for the pain and damage caused to you, HER and the relationship. Also on how to make herself a 'safe' partner for your marriage. You have to feel confident this won't happen again.

As others have said, the issues won't go away by themselves. They have to be addressed head on, with or without outside help. If not they'll only fester and build a resentment that will metastasize into all other areas of your lives. Especially devastating with a new baby coming.

Your old relationship is possibly over and, if so, should be mourned, as XWW and I mourned ours. But maybe you can build a new and possibly better relationship, diffrent in some ways, but possibly better. Hard work. Very hard work, but possible.

Whatever the future holds, I think it's safe enough to say that I and others in this community are rooting for you. You WILL be fine!

Agree with the others about seeing an IC that specializes in trauma for yourself.

Not sure how much work your wife has done on herself or how remorseful she is. If she is not remorseful I would look into options of either separating or D.

My STBX wasn't remorseful and I was in limbo for many years with False R. I have complex ptsd from it. My healing didn't really start until I left 5 months ago.

Is this how you want to live your one, precious life?

7 years for me. Married almost 27 years been together for 36. Wife had affair at 20 year mark. It’s with you every day. You just get longer and longer periods in between. Relationship wise we talk a lot more. I stop and take the time to listen to her. I try to work on myself more. I was a typical guy I really didn’t know what made me tick. so I read and read and read some more. About relationships and psychology and why I feel the way I feel. That helped and we did go through IC and MC and we got really lucky because ours had been doing it for 25 years. He was a god send . Find a good therapist. They can bring you a lot of perspective.

My story mirrors yours and others that have responded. I am fully recovered/reconciled, have 10 years behind me, and I stick around here to help people with similar stories. I could give you a laundry list of ideas and things to go work on, but for simplicity, three high priorities jump out at me:

1) Quit drinking. Sorry, it sucks, I've been there. I get it. Drinking seems to work. It seems to take away the pain.....but...it stunts your emotional growth. Drinking is carpet sweeping IMO. Take yourself off it, stay off it for awhile, and eventually your mind becomes clearer. Make this your highest priority. Im not talking about being under control. I'm talking about quitting 100% for six months, maybe a year. Let your mind clear up.

2) Aquire IC. Marriage counseling is not the best first step IMO. IC helps you process the bow wave of emotions you experience coming off drinking. Also, an IC helps you process the explosion of emotions you experience as a male BS. AA can help you with this to.

3) Arrive at this fact/belief: Your wife's affairs were not about you, and were not about the affair partners. Your wife's affairs were entirely about her. She's a consumer. She feeds. She's Needy. Do not let her use you as an excuse. As you work through your own problems, you might find that the two of you were dysfunctionally fitting for each other. As you begin to grow and mature, she needs to grow and mature the same, otherwise you become non-fitting for each other. This idea will become ok for you. Don't let her drag you down or hold you back. As you mature, you become ok with this conclusion, and you will make the right decision to reconcile or divorce. Making the right decisions become easier, clearer. If you both grow, you can reach a "mythical" compatible point (but warning, this point takes time and hard work on both sides, and progress is not linear, two steps forward, one back, etc.)

r/

SL

[This message edited by still-living at 5:06 AM, February 6th (Saturday)]

still-living,

You said you were "fully recovered/reconciled".

Do you also consider yourself fully healed sexually so that you never have mind movies or intrusive thoughts about your WS's A ?

Are all the negative sexual thoughts gone concerning the affair? How long did that take? What helped you with this topic?

Is sex with your WS as good as it used to be before the A?

Hi Jaakas

I am really sorry you are struggling. I know the hardship.

You have been given good suggestions here. When I read your post, your issue with low self esteem jumped off of the page.

After six years of unsuccessful healing, I think improving this will help you in every aspect of your recovery. You need a really good IC, and it takes a lot of time and effort. Here is a couple of whys for you. You want to teach your child how to have high self esteem, to know his or her worth - you can’t teach that yet. You need to learn it for yourself. The second why, is I think it is the key to feeling better and moving on.

I say these things because I know them personally.

jaakus, what was done after D day to repair the trust.

What was done to eliminate means for WW to contact her OM?

What was done to verify NC is maintain?

Was WW AP a coworker, if so did she leave that job?

T/J that's not a T/J

The real issue is the one hatefulnow named: low self-esteem. To be more specific, IMO low SE that may devolve into self-hate is the reason many people become WSes. BSes' low SE is exacerbated on d-day and makes recovery extremely difficult for all of us, and low SE makes R impossible for some of us.

It's a difficult problem to solve, but low SE is maintained by self-talk, and new self-talk can dismantle it.

I expect help from a good therapist is necessary to change self-talk, and it's a lot of work, but the payoff makes the work worthwhile.

A former WS with good SE may leave, but that person won't betray a partner again.

A BS with good SE knows the betrayal is about the betrayer, not the betrayed. A BS with good SE perceives what has happened and what is possible and can choose pretty freely whether to continue or end the relationship after d-day.

IOW, my reco to anyone with low SE is to work to get your SE where it ought to be - you're loving, lovable, capable, and enough. You're the prize. You have your power, and you can use it any way you want, within the constraints of ethics.

JMO, of course.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:08 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Still-living,

"Do you also consider yourself fully healed sexually so that you never have mind movies or intrusive thoughts about your WS's A ?

Are all the negative sexual thoughts gone concerning the affair? How long did that take? What helped you with this topic?

Is sex with your WS as good as it used to be before the A?"

I have a different perspective on life now and those types of thoughts don't negatively affect me. What helped me heal was recognizing and allowing myself to climb the ladder of inference. Sex is satisfying but I always seem to want more!

IME, it never goes away.

Always the doubt, like who at work is she messing with now, i never go to her work even if im c!ose.

T/J -

Sex is satisfying but I always seem to want more!

That bugs me, too, but I'm OK muddling through that paradox. End T/J

Thank you everyone for your support on this post. I think I really do need to work on my self-esteem the most.