SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you're here. You weren't wrong to trust her. Most of us did the same.

I suggest you give yourself at least 90 days to decide to R or D. And extend as necessary.

Infidelity is a major trauma. Google 'PTSD' because this is applies to you (the timing and duration of the stages varies).

See your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anger/anxiety.

Ideally, in the interim, you should NOT have her move back. It will just complicate your decision.

Talk to an attorney about where you stand if you divorce. Ask if her move amounts to abandonment.

Frankly, in spite of her decision to have an affair, the OM is not a good long term life partner - and your wife knows it.

Unless he's wealthy, he has an overwhelming financial and time consuming obligation raising his kids. My guess is that even though she 'loves' him, your wife doesn't want to buy into the OM's life (i.e., his obligations and financial limitations) on a full time long term basis.

There's nothing unique about your wife's infidelity. Cheaters pretty much say and do the same thing (especially when caught).

She is not the woman you married. Treat her civilly but do not trust or believe her excuses or promises. If she moves back, treat her as a roommate. Do not be intimate with her or confide in her.

She was able to cheat because in the context of a relationship she is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacks empathy for you. Therefore, there is nothing you could have done to prevent her infidelity.

Your wife is now in damage control. Everything she says and does (including tears and self remorse) is 100% in her self interest. She will say and do anything to manipulate you and minimize the damage from her affair.

For example, she didn't offer to move back to help or support you. She views moving back has an opportunity to manipulate you and minimize damage.

To slide into the DMs is online slang for sending someone a direct message on social media slickly and coolly, often for romantic purposes

Quick question: does DM mean anything in infidelity speak?

Direct Messaging. That's not a good thing as it's much harder for a third party to track after the fact if they keep deleting messages. I'd add to the requirements a list of any and all social media accounts and logins. You need the ability to verify that NC is being maintained and you can't if they are using applications of which you are unaware. Any failure to disclose an account or deletion of messages from them can be taken as a sign the A is still ongoing.

No children. You dodged a massive bullet.

As I always advise betrayed spouses who have no children: RUN.

Reconciliation is a very very hard thing to do with no guarantees. Many do it for the sake of their children. Those who don’t have children, in my opinion, should just run. Not worth the effort for something that isn’t guaranteed to succeed. And it takes years.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:09 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

If you two aren't going to be living in the same house, or even the same town, there's no reason to try and reconcile. And if she needs to quit her job and move back to be with you, suddenly it's going to be an gaslight argument of "I sacrificed my career for you and you're not over my cheating? How dare you ask to look at my phone instead of trusting me, didn't I quit my job to be with you?"

If you two are long distance, it will eat you alive. You only found out about this one because the affair partners ex told you. Youre able to see her phone bill, but not her snapchat logs, secret emails, kik messages, or any of the other thousands of ways to pass messages secretly. You're not around to notice that she's out at a bar instead of home in bed. You're not around to see who's in bed with her. Reconciliation is tough enough when both people are living together. Reconciliation is tough enough when your wayward spouse is the one who confessed to you that she had cheated.

Her telling you she wanted to tell you but was afraid you'd leave is gaslighting to make her look less terrible. Her telling you that she was planning to end it herself to save your marriage is gaslighting to make her look less terrible. Guys don't leave their wives to be with someone sending them mixed signals. She doesn't want to be with you, she just doesn't want to be known as a woman who's husband left her for cheating on him.

How has she reacted to your mutual friends finding out that she cheated on you? Has she offered to quit her job to move back with you?

Thanks again, all. We have been long distance for four weeks. Previously we were under the same roof. I was moving down next month.

The problem right now is that this is just one of those things where you feel like your life is ending, even if it isn't. It feels like the world is at an end and at a standstill. I know what I want to do and need to do, but I have no idea how to do it. It is that illogical yearning for things that can't happen (to erase the past however long, for things to go back to normal). So I guess that means I'm at the bargaining stage.

Quick question: does DM mean anything in infidelity speak?

Direct Messaging. That's not a good thing as it's much harder for a third party to track after the fact if they keep deleting messages. I'd add to the requirements a list of any and all social media accounts and logins. You need the ability to verify that NC is being maintained and you can't if they are using applications of which you are unaware. Any failure to disclose an account or deletion of messages from them can be taken as a sign the A is still ongoing.

Thanks. DM was how they referred to me in their text messages (the OBS gave me three months worth of captured WhatsApp messages from 2020).

Think it is obvious that it is time to cut the cord!!!!

First, you don’t have any kids. Just be happy that you don’t at this point t as she would be using them to manipulate them.

Second, was the affair Still going on when you found out and confronted her? If it was, think of this, how long would she have continued to be sleeping with him and falling deeper and deeper in love with him, if you hadn’t found out? Sounds to me like she is pledging her eternal loyalty and fidelity to you, once again, only because she is trying to save her lifestyle, and reputation. She certainly isn’t going to have a lifestyle with a man who is paying child support.

And as I always say, a marriage is built upon a foundation of three things: respect, love, and trust

respect: do you really think she respects you? Do you really think that they weren’t laughing about you, especially when you set up our flights to go and have their time together? Do you really think that if she respected you in the first place she would be sleeping with another man? Do you think she respects you now? The fact that you are still thinking about the possibility of reconciliation, is actually causing her to lose more and more respect for you. It’s a simple fact that women do not find weak and indecisive men attractive. IF you take her back, She’ll think at all she’ll have to do is been a good loving wife for a while, until you begin to feel that everything is better, and then she’ll find the next Mr. right. However at that time, you may have a child that you need to provide support to for the following 17 years. And after she gets caught that time, she’ll have to just shed some more tears, pledge her eternal loyalty once again, and play the good loyal wife, again, And again, and again,

Love: do you really think she loved you as she’s flying off for her love weekends with him? If she loved you, would she have cheated on you in the first place? How could somebody claimed to be in love with you, yet still cause you such pain?

She may say that she loves you, but I don’t think a normal person would recognize her definition of love.

Trust: do you ever really think that you will ever truly trust her again? Any time that she has 5 to 10 minutes late, you’ll be wondering if she is at some Cheap motel or in the backseat of some guys car. Anytime that you have sex with her, and you look into her eyes, will you really trust her that she’s not thinking about him?

I know you’re in pain right now. Trust me everyone of us here knows exactly what you’re going through. Yes, it will hurt telling her that it’s over and that you have filed all of the necessary paperwork to begin the long drawn out process of divorce. But it is significantly less painful to do it quickly and to have a long an ongoing process. It basically comes down to pulling the Band-Aid off quickly or torturously slow.

I suggest that as soon as you file, you find yourself a good individual counselor with a good amount of experience dealing with infidelity. Put the cheater in your rearview mirror, and move on with your life. Go out and find a woman that is loyal, loving, and everything that you deserve.

Tell the cheater, To go back to her lover and go have a great life, because she no longer is a part of yours. Never, never, never allow yourself to be some other persons Plan B!

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

Stay strong.

Lean on your friends and family. Tell them everything, because they want to help you.

I promise that you are stronger than you believe, and you are going to survive this. And I also suspect, that by the time you are officially divorced, you are going to have found your ideal woman and future wife!

I promise that once you make the decision to get out of the hell that the cheater put you in, and you walk straight out of the gates of that hell, Life will get better and better and better.

Don’t let fear of the unknown hold you back. This is something else that everybody here is quite familiar with. And if others were to answer you honestly, they would tell you that their biggest fears never even came close to becoming reality.

Once again, good luck and stay strong

DM was how they referred to me in their text messages

Then it must have another meaning. Probably not the initials of your name and surname. It can also be a humiliating nickname.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 5:48 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Thanks. DM was how they referred to me in their text messages (the OBS gave me three months worth of captured WhatsApp messages from 2020).

I take it that's not your initials. DM has a lot of meanings and it could be personal slang. None that I can think of that are cheater specific. Probably something you'll either need to find in the messages or ask. Then if it's incredibly derogatory you're likely not to get an honest answer.

acronyms thefreedictionary com /DM

You can try asking the OBS if she knows. Than the AP. than your WW. That's in order of how likely you'll get an honest answer.

[This message edited by grubs at 5:57 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Shewasmymuse,

If she hadn’t been outed by the OBS, your WW was going to let you disrupt your life and move to her city while she was still in the A. There have been several cases here in the past few years where a BS moved with his WW to a new city for her career, only to be dumped for the AP shorty after. Think about the callousness of this. The OBS just helped you dodge a major bullet. WW's plan just got derailed and she is clearly in damage control mode, saying what she thinks you want to hear. TIME TO CUT AND RUN.

[This message edited by Unsure2019 at 7:17 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Sorry that you're going through this.

Just some basic advice, take it as you will.

1. She needs to either move back to where you are or accept that your relationship is over. There's no middle ground here, those are her choices. They're also yours. You aren't going to repair your marriage by doing it long distance.

2. She needs to give you full access to her communications with this guy. She also needs to fully explain how this started and why.

3. Proceed with separation/divorce. It's is entirely possible to work on reconciliation and divorcing at the same time. You can pause/stop your divorce anytime you want. If she wants to reconcile that option is there (assuming you want to), and if not, well then you proceed with option B.

4. She needs to show you her plan for fixing your marriage and resolving whatever issue lead her to cheat. Moving back to your shared home is step one, but what is she going to do repair the damage she has caused? This isn't something you fix, you aren't the broken partner here. If she doesn't want to come up with a plan, or offers vague, meaningless goals then reconciliation isn't going to work.

5. You need to see true remorse from her before reconciliation can work. She needs to understand the harm she has caused, not just you, but the other man's spouse and family as well. Again, if that's something she can't do, or won't do, then you don't have much to work with.

6. You both need to understand that the relationship you had before is over and is never coming back. That trust you had for her, that pride, that's dead. Whatever relationship your build from here on out will have to be based on new rules and expectations.

7. It it entirely possible to love someone and not trust them. It's not fun. You're going to have to decide if that's something you're capable of doing.

I hope this doesn't sound too cynical. I'll confess, I always root for the relationship. Sometimes though the lies and betrayal are just too much to overcome. No one can gauge that but you. All I can say is keep your heart open, but keep your eyes open too and remember no matter how much you love them some people, some situations, just can't be repaired.

A few questions to help us understand the situation better:

So what’s in the WhatsApp messages? What kind of things do they say to each other. What do they say about you. Is any of it denigrating? Does your wife know you have these?

How do you know your wife is not seeing him now, while you are apart?

Finally, sorry if I missed it, but how did they meet and start up?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:26 AM, March 12th (Friday)]

I know what I want to do and need to do, but I have no idea how to do it.

Get educated. Do solicitors in NZ do free first consultations? If they do, go see two or three and find out from them exactly what you can expect from a divorce and how much it will cost. Not knowing the facts only adds to your anxiety. Even if the news they give you is bad news, you at least can make plans and come up with strategies to to minimize the damage.

You need to ask the lawyers if filing the paperwork halts the joint debt liability even if there is a two year waiting period. You don't want to be on the block for debts she racks up between your filing and the time you can finalize the divorce.

Secondly, you should isolate your finances from hers. If you have a joint checking account with her, stop sending your paychecks to it and open a separate account under your name only.

Cut off all joint credit cards immediately.

That is a start for now.

So what does DM mean (as in OP being referred to as DM in their text messages)? Anyone?

So what does DM mean (as in OP being referred to as DM in their text messages)? Anyone?

No one really knows but his WW/AP. Could be about anything.

shewasmymuse Survive the weekend ok?

Investigate a separation agreement without lawyer involvement, they will try to screw you both - well in NZ anyway. If your house is the main asset and most other stuff is relatively equal just agree on that stuff yourself. Don’t sweat the small stuff. That’s the advice I have been given by contacts who are lawyers. When I went to my lawyer she started laying out everything that I could push for....only thing is it isn’t worth it once you subtract their fees.

Also my wife was using WhatsApp mainly, I found texts and most telling a couple long phone calls shortly after I confronted her. More telling was her data usage on the night I confronted her....it was through the roof. I have realised that I have to accept the evidence that she was having an affair and that our marriage is over. I have stopped drinking and have been doing allot of exercise and that helps greatly.

1 - she has a burner phone. They ALWAYS get one after they're busted.

2 - to hell with waiting on making up your mind. She offered to move back, take her up on it. Tell her there are no guarantees that R will happen, but for there to even be a snowball's chance in hell that she must quit and move home yesterday. If she hesitates in the slightest, then you have your answer and you can move on.

The problem right now is that this is just one of those things where you feel like your life is ending, even if it isn't. It feels like the world is at an end and at a standstill.

A lot of us felt like that. Give yourself some time. It will get better, I promise you

One day at a time