SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last Sunday, the ex-wife of the man my wife has been in a relationship with for the past 15 months found me on Twitter and told me about the relationship. I confronted her and she admitted it. She broke down and said that she had wanted to tell me for so long, that she wanted me to help her get out of it but was scared that I would leave, that she thought if she could just handle it on her own she could get out of it and I'd never have to know. That she didn't know how to end it. Now there are just a whole bunch of questions.

This came out of nowhere. Other people, even the week before, kept saying they wished they had a relationship like ours. Sigh.

Then came the bombshell that she loved him, too, which I was really hoping wasn't the case--I could better handle her having a purely physical relationship than a deeper connection. She'd stayed the weekend and taken care of his kids. She had me arrange some of her flights to go and visit her brother, which she would do for part of a day, and then she would stay at his place. When a matter came up and I said I didn't trust him (she's known him for a while and I knew that she considered him a friend), she asked whether I trusted her, I said completely, and she said, then why are you worrying. And because I trusted her completely, I stopped worrying. She got a job in the city where he lives and moved there a month or so ago--I was going to follow next month--but tells me that his location had nothing to do with it (I'm obviously skeptical about this, but her job is a step up in her career). I'm also no longer moving to that city.

So now I am torn. My heart still very much wants to stay and work things out. It would give anything to have it work out. My head says get out now--once a cheater, always a cheater; she betrayed my trust completely and would be able to do it again; etc.

Right now I'm going with my heart and have started going to counselling. I'm also interviewing counsellors to decide if I want to use them as relationship counsellors.

This is also difficult because my family is on the other side of the world. Thankfully, I have some freaking amazing friends and colleagues who are here to support me. I'd started off only telling my friends who don't know her, but most of those people are also on the other side of the world and I only had one local person to talk to. So I've chosen to break the news to a few others because I need their help. And I feel bad about it, even though I shouldn't. I am a carer and a nurturer. She and I have spent so long building her up and getting her confidence up, and I am so f***ing proud of her still because of what she has done and how far she has come in some areas that I could almost burst.

She says she has broken it off with the OP (he left his wife to be with her). I have to choose whether to believe that, and for the moment at least I've chosen to believe it. I'm hoping I don't regret it. I've laid out rules and the first couple of actions she has to take to even start making amends. She has done those.

I guess what I really want to know is how does it get better? While I know logically that this kind of thing has happened to others, it would just be so comforting to hear that it isn't just me and that I'm not defective. And for anyone who has had this happen and make it to the other side, what are some steps I should take? This is literally the one thing in my life that I never even considered in my head could happen and so I don't even know how I'm supposed to cope and whether it is worth it.

Thanks for listening/reading and please hit me up with thoughts and ideas (not about whether or not I should stay or go--I'm having tons of those conversations internally (heart and stay is still winning against brain and go, though I'm taking all possible steps and have been in touch with a lawyer to ensure I know what my options are) and with my support group here).

You don’t have to make a decision now.

Take some time to deal with your immediate emotions.

This is a roller coaster. Be kind to yourself.

How long has this affair been going on?

Oh man, it sucks dude. All of it and nothing can

"fix" it. Accept that there will be life before this and life after.

Life after will not be the same and I beg you to not attempt to fool yourself into believing it can ever be close to the same. I recommend you focus on your own health and well being. Your wife has lived a lie and the cards are stacking in favor of her doing everything in her power to manipulate you into believing whatever she comes up with that saves face for her. Anything and everything you do to help her see your pain will be used against you. So please keep your thoughts to yourself and do not "share your feelings" with her. It's not that it's impossible that she put you first and does you right but it's kind of like how it's not impossible that the sun explodes tomorrow....we've no evidence that it will or won't explode but we also haven't seen the sun rise tomorrow *yet* to confirm. Yet we rely on it being there.

If you're going to do therapy, do individual therapy and avoid marriage therapy. Do IC that has a well-versed infidelity-trauma therapist at it's helm.

Wish you the best buddy. Time to pull up yourself up by your bootstraps as life is about to get really hard but you can pull through. It tends to get better regardless of the less-than-ideal life ahead.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 5:09 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

Then came the bombshell that she loved him, too...

First, very sorry for what you are going thru.

I have come to the point where when I see things like this, I'd say to the, "fine, leave. Go to him (or her). That's what you want, then betray me and go have a good life. Get you stuff and go. Now."

Sort of like the cold bucket of water treatment. Make her decide. She stays or she leaves (permanently). It hurts like hell to lose a spouse, but making it quicker than drawing it out for months and months can be best at times.

I don't understand a few things from your post. Her affair has been going on for over a year and she moved to the area he lives and took a job near him.

How long have you been married? do you have kids?

Is the plan for you to continue to live seperatly with her close to OM and you just believe she has stopped the relationship?

What actions (not words) has she done to make you feel safe in this marriage? I would think resigning and finding a new job would be number one on that list regardless of if it's a career boost. How are you going to feel safe in this situation?

Her story sounds sus in that she was having you arrange flights for her to meet up with OM on the pretense of seeing her brother... her story makes it sound like she "just couldn't break thing off... but wanted to."

Thanks, all, for your feedback.

@mene, thank you. Don't know exactly how long but approximately 12-15 months +- 2 months. I'm trying to be kind to myself and focus on me--the issue is I care about others and always put them first. I'm having to learn how to put me first.

@NotMyFirstRodeo, thank you. I don't expect it to be the same at all. IF it is going to work, it is going to take a lot of time and effort, and it will be completely different. I'm ok with different, if it can work. I'm also ready and willing to pull the plug the moment something happens that I don't agree with. Already contacted the lawyers and have them drafting the separation agreement, to be on the safe side.

@thatbpguy, thank you. I've pretty much said that, although likely in a less direct way because I always try to accentuate the positive.

@Freeme, thank you. Been together 9 years, married 6, no kids, no property, no debt. For the next couple of days or so while I figure out what I want, we will continue to live separately. She has offered to leave her job and move back here immediately. Considering this is only three days old, I need a few more days to make sure it is what I want. And I am quite aware that she could be right back with him. And agree that her story sounds suspicious. The actions when we were together always made me feel safe. The touching, the playfulness, everything seemed in order.

What do you think will be the worst possible outcome of this situation for you?

If you imagine your life 6 months from now – what would be the absolute worst scenario?

What do you think will be the worst possible outcome of this situation for you?

If you imagine your life 6 months from now – what would be the absolute worst scenario?

Good question. Haven't really thought about it. Worst case scenario is probably that I agree to give it another go, she cheats again, and I leave. So worst case scenario is a second betrayal followed by independence? Maybe?

Maybe it is just the possible wasted time and energy if we work on it for six months and it doesn't work out. It could even be that I'm choosing to try to work on it just to preserve my options.

That's actually a really good question. I'll keep thinking about it...

Hi friend.

I know this part is exceedingly rough. You’re about to go through a whole host of emotions. Those... I won’t speak to. I’m a vet of an LTA (or two) as well. I won’t bother with that story right now either.

Your first call tomorrow should be to a lawyer. Without kids, and without assets, it could be a very simple split, but you should get a lawyer’s advice before doing anything else. Generally the way these things work is that marital assets go into a pot, it gets split, and you walk away with your half.

However, it would be a good idea to get some legal advice because divorce can be complicated. If you try to reconcile then there might also be some specific advice you should heed. Finally, there might be some measures to protect yourself in the case of a false DV charge.

I say these things because I have seen these things in my profession. However, without kids or assets in common it might be an easy situation.

Now, for another hard truth part. You have to understand that she was likely planning on leaving you when she moved to another city. In fact, it’s likely she wanted you to find out about this affair before you moved, either consciously or not. Think about it... it’s too perfect. What blew it up? Who knows. This new guy might have turned out to be something other than what she thought. (Likely)

I’m assuming the move went to a different state, and therefore it might be a problem with which jurisdiction the divorce could be filed in. This could be coldly planned. (For instance, if your home state had a waiting period, but the new state has a quick decree and less speed bumps to getting out, then she may wish to establish residence there prior... again, talk to an attorney about this because state laws differ. Another possibility would be if one state allows at fault, but one state does not she may have pulled this move.)

However, again, if there are no assets and no children, there’s not a huge amount of stuff to sort out.

I’ve been where you are man, and it’s so so rough. There are no right answers, so take your time coming to your’s.

I’d also say, if you really want to reconcile, if that’s really what you decide, then I’d probably want to know the entire truth. Mine ended when my EXWW refused a polygraph the day after she revealed she was still in contact with her AP. I just knew I’d never know the truth and moved on. Just a cautionary tale.

Again, sorry you’re here.

And agree that her story sounds suspicious. The actions when we were together always made me feel safe. The touching, the playfulness, everything seemed in order.

Very, very few waywards come totally clean up front. She is leaving things out. Whether from her own selfishness, fear of you leaving because it is too much, or fear of the pain she is going to cause, there are things she really does not want you to know. Those are things you need to know in order to make a decision. Hold her feet to the fire here. Make her write out the timeline of the affair. You will be testing her on this so she needs to know that lying is worse than anything she can disclose.
More bad news. You won't be even close to figuring out if this is this M is fixable for another year. You are in shock right now, and she's not going to be much better. That's not going to last forever, but it'll be at least months to a year before the numbness goes away. You are both going to need IC help. I hate to say it, but the distance between the you, your WW, and AP is going to be an issue before you know.
The mixed signal I see here is she says she loves him. AP already divorced his wife. She still wanted to get out of the affair but couldn't! It's not that hard. People break up all the time. Is this WW & AP's first affairs? I'd ask the OBS this also. Is he a professional AP? You have no kids. You are already living apart. Why does she want to stay? Why not the AP? You need answers here to guess whether or not she is worthy of the attempt.
You mention a brother being involved. Does he know? Did he help facilitate? That's going to be another point of conflict to hinder reconciliation. If he doesn't know, how good is your relationship?

I'm assuming that NC with the AP was already a requirement. Think about how to verify this remotely. Local PI? Can you track where she is? Any contact with the AP going forward to me will be a deal breaker. The only issue is how you verify.

I'm not sure reconciliation is possible with her expecting you to trust her over your misgivings and betraying you after you did. I know that didn't work for me. If you think you can get past this, make ask her to jump. Either quit or take a few weeks of personal leave and have her come home. There's no way you're going to be able to rebuild your trust with her 1000s of miles away living near the AP. Plus its a measure of her commitment, which she hasn't had in the past year, to your marriage.
Good luck dude. No one deserves to be put in these situations.
But in all talk to your attorney before you decide anything. Now you have multiple states involved and you want to make sure you don't make matters worse.

[This message edited by grubs at 1:29 AM, Wednesday, March 10th]

Do you have access to her mobile bill?

Her excuse is garbage IMO. You found out from OBS not her. Out of all the cities she moved to she went to the APs city. AP even left his wife for her, I would demand to read her messages and any conversations she had with AP.

She moved to APs city so I doubt she "broke" it off more likely laying low. She cannot rebuild any trust when she is in another state/city.

If you want her back the first obvious step is that she quit her job and come back. NC must take place NOW. Even if you decide later you can't hack the relationship, her meager sacrifice of returning to your city is insignificant regardless of what happens. I am a BS and I know I have read too many of these stories over the last few months. I just don't get these women who have these LTA's and then come running back to their husbands once they are busted blubbering away at what a terrible thing they did but let's work on our marriage. Every BS is different. So if R is what you desire, go for it. But I don't think you will find many regretful BS's who bolted immediately from the marriage. I certainly should have done that.

Sorry for the situation you are in.

she had wanted to tell me for so long, that she wanted me to help her get out of it but was scared that I would leave, that she thought if she could just handle it on her own she could get out of it and I'd never have to know. That she didn't know how to end it.

Sorry but these are all lies.

All the caught cheaters regretted what they did, were just about to tell their spouse, or even if they didn't, they were about to leave their AP and it was very good to be caught.

What does mean "to get out of it"? If she continued to live her normal life nobody would come and f... her. It was her choice for 15 months and over and over again. The fact that she disrispectfully had you arrange her flights to stay with him and care for her children does not necessarily show that she wants "to get out of it". The bombshell does not need to come, it is clear from what she said.

So she loves him, what is the other meaning of this; she doesn't love you. But I'm sure she said she loved you. The most common form of this is; "i love you but i am not in love with you". This is probably a lie too, but it's definitely a lie that she's in love with you. If she said something like that of course.

I don't understand why you said her that you trust her completely? She is the one who cheated on you, not her AP. I don't want to say that he is a good man but he left his wife for her, at least he did the right thing in his own marriage. Of course falling in love and ending the marriage doesn't happen in a day, but ultimately he could choose to continue lying her wife like your WW did.

They love each other, they live in the same city and you are far away.

She is loyal to you and the A doesn't continue? Come on! Okay, I know you want to listen to your heart, but please, not that much. Maybe she even lives in his house. If not, she spends most of her time there. It looks like she actually broke up with you.

What are your rules and actions you've laid out? Can they really stop the A?

it would just be so comforting to hear that it isn't just me and that I'm not defective.

Of course, it isn't just you. Look at your membership number of this site. Note also that not everyone come here. And cheating is %100 her stupid choice.

You will find very useful suggestions on this site. Maybe some of them will be harsh on you, but just know this they were in your shoes and don't want you to live the same pain.

Be sure what's good for your heart is your brain. Otherwise, you may experience a process in which the pain increases. Maybe listening to your heart will lead to a false paradise at first, but it won't last long and you'll have worse consequences.

Contacting the lawyers and have them drafting the separation agreement are very good steps.

Wish you the best.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 8:36 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

I’m so sorry you’re here.

I am about 15 months out from discovering my WHs A. We are still married, and are trying to reconcile. It’s a real son of a bitch to tell the truth. I just wanted you to know I am someone who has made the decision to stay.

You are in shock mode right now. Your world has imploded, and all you want is for everything to go back to how it was. It’s an awful place to be. It’s absolutely no indication of the roller coaster you’re about to forced onto.I say that so you are prepared. I definitely wasn’t

The others are right, cheaters rarely tell the whole story from the get go. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it’s more common than not to experience what is called “trickle truth.”

You don’t have to make a decision right now. It took me almost a full year to commit to reconciliation. We still lived together, had sex, and acted married, but emotionally I kept myself on the fence until I was ready. This concept of taking my time to make a decision saved my sanity.

NC has to be established. I’m not an expert on this because of the nature of my WHs A and when I found out. However, it is strongly advised that the betrayed spouse is an active participant of the wayward sending a form of NC correspondence. There’s no other option other than preparing immediately for divorce if she is still active in the affair.

Google betrayal trauma and look into every piece of information you can on it. You don’t think something like infidelity could ever be considered trauma, until it happens to you. I wish I had known more about it right out of the gate.

Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Eat, drink water, and exercise. YOU are now your top priority. Best of luck.

Been together 9 years, married 6, no kids, no property, no debt.

Based on this alone I suggest you RUN and don't look back, it takes years to recover from infidelity with a very remorseful WW doing all the necessary work and heavy lifting to restore the destroyed M, your WW is light years away from being one, she got busted so right now she just regrets getting caught, she's still lying to you, you only know the tip of the iceberg. POSOM left OBS to be with your WW, the fact that your WW moved exactly to the same city where POSOM lives and was playing house with him already suggest she was test driving POSOM and getting ready to leave you for him, make no mistake about it that was their plan.

Again I always suggest D when it comes to LTAs, and even more so if there are no children and lots of financial entanglements involved.

If you insist on trying to R, here's a few of the basics:

1) EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends without warning (very important), exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and excting" aspects of the A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate the AP.

2) Demand she quits her job and returns to your city on the first flight TOMORROW, upon arrival aske her for her unlocked phone and don't give her time to clean it, if she has already done so, get it anyway to run recovery software like (Dr Fone or Fonelab). You should know what you are trying to forgive.

3) Demand she sends an NC FOREVER text to POSOM, one that you approve, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes), make sure you watch her hit "send". She also needs to tell you immediately if POSOM tries to contact her, no questions asked. Also ask her who else knew about/enabled the A, they are not friends of the M and need to go too, another consequence of her huge betrayal.

4) She needs to offer full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER.

5) Demand she gets tested for STDs/STIs (full panel), yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health.

6) She needs to go to IC with someone who specializes on infidelity (very important), to find out her whys. Forget MC for now, at this state it's typically a waste of time and money.

7) Have her read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How To Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda McDonald, both available for download.

8) Consult an attorney to know your legal options, and while you're at it, ask about an enforceable postnup in case she cheats again, she's a proven cheater and liar and you need to protect yourself financially.

9) Demand she gives you a complete written timeline of the A, subject to a polygraph. Then tell her to read it out loud to you, it helps with remorse, no remorse no chance to R successfully. Ask questions and make sure you record it so that she doesn't try to change her story later.

If she refuses to do any of the above, file for D and have her served without warning, you can always stop it if she comes around before it's final, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through your difficult situation, we have "seen" it play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:16 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

Cheaters are notorious liars. Upfront they are in “sorry they got caught” mode and will promise you the moon. Sorry man but you can’t believe a word she says.

Do not offer R upfront and stay out of marriage counseling. There are a lot of bad ones in that field. The marriage isn’t broken she is.

She’s the one that needs IC.

15 months is a whole other life she’s been living. That was a choice/decision she made and 100% on her.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:21 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

Affairs are addicting if she’s near the other man look for it to continue. You get an addict around the source you get relapse.

she had wanted to tell me for so long, that she wanted me to help her get out of it but was scared that I would leave, that she thought if she could just handle it on her own she could get out of it and I'd never have to know. That she didn't know how to end it

Then

Then came the bombshell that she loved him

Which is it, because it doesn't make sense? She wants to leave so bad but she's scared you'll leave her?

She'd stayed the weekend and taken care of his kids. She had me arrange some of her flights to go and visit her brother, which she would do for part of a day, and then she would stay at his place

She wants to end it so bad but she's scared you'll leave her but you organise tickets so she can leave you and go stay with him?

When a matter came up and I said I didn't trust him (she's known him for a while and I knew that she considered him a friend), she asked whether I trusted her, I said completely, and she said, then why are you worrying. And because I trusted her completely, I stopped worrying.

And there it is. The number one reason why cheating borders on evil. Anyone who argues it is about the relationship of the couple and not the cheater abusing the betrayed, is clueless.

So sorry you are here. You have some good insight and advice to go over. Meanwhile take care of yourself. It is horrible but you will get through this. Just try to stay healthy in the meantime.