SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all and thank you again for the advice. Weekend was highly emotional and quite screwed up. Talked yesterday, where she did what was expected and tried to shift blame toward me. Didn't bite. We've agreed to try counselling. I think the likelihood of success is low.

Found out what DM stands for and it was a nickname to refer to me without having to say my name, thinking that nobody could piece it together. Not derogatory or denigrating. Nothing denigrating about me in the messages.

@Robert22205https, I agree. He is not what she is looking for in a long term partner. Raising children for the next 14 years? She wouldn't last a full year in that kind of relationship.

@Unrealized, thank you, too. I called in a favour (I'm also a lawyer but not in family law) and have something drafted to be on the safe side. Ideally we would split the assets down the middle (no house to split), only complicating factor is a holding company we jointly own.

We've agreed to try counselling.

BEWARE!!!!!!

Here you have less than a 50% chance of getting a decent one.

If they insinuate you helped cause her affair get up and leave.

Counseling should start with IC not couples. She needs to figure out why she thought getting into an affair made sense. That actual reasons, not the rationale she used in her mind to excuse her failings. Sounds like you've already heard the rationales. You need to process what this means to you and if you're willing to continue with the M if she can make herself a safe partner.

We've agreed to try counselling. I think the likelihood of success is low.

Why spend the money then?

Why spend the money then?

Or the time. You are already looking at a 2yr separation before you can file for dissolution and you can only live together for 3 months during that time. It's going to take more than 3 months to figure out if this is salvageable and that's only if you both want that. I'd start the clock sooner than later.

The basic answer to her attempts to justify her actions is to tell her that she is an adult. She chose to have sex with someone else versus having a conversation with you. It was her decision. If it was justified then why did she lie about it?

As far as counseling goes, if she isn't at the point where she is willing to admit that she was wrong, and what she did was hurtful I really don't see the point. And honestly I don't see the point of even talking with her until she does.

If she persists in arguing that her jumping on this other guy's dick is somehow your fault then it's probably best to go no contact for awhile and start working on you. Which, honestly, you should be doing anyway.

Until she is ready to accept responsibility for what she's done, and present you with a plan to repair the damage she's done to your marriage and your ability to trust her, there really isn't any point in talking or marriage counseling. She needs individual therapy and some time for reflection.

Just gonna echo that couples or marriage counseling is more likely than not going to be a waste of time and $. There are just a TON of reasons why MC is RARELY helpful right after dday. Starting with the fact that most BS are experiencing TRAUMA, and their ability to manage their reactions may be limited or non existent.

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? IMO, that's a must read (and it's short enough to get through in an afternoon). I would HIGHLY recommend you read that before you attend any MC sessions.

It's a HER problem, not a M problem. Your M is NOT the reason she had sex with someone else. The MC's (marriage counselor) "client" is the M, not either of you individually. I can tell you as someone that did a few weeks of MC right after dday, it made it all MUCH MUCH worse and for many, it can be retraumatizing.

Listen to the Helping Couples Heal podcast, esp the episode with Dr Omar Minwalla.

Bottom line is the MINUTE the MC (or any IC) starts to talk about any of the following - get the hell out of there:

- what made your WW "vulnerable" to an A (which is a covert way of blaming the BS)

- what role did the BS have in making the WS unhappy

-what was happening in the M at the time the WS began the A? (again, this is NOT a problem with the M, it's a problem with the WS' value system, coping mechanisms, lack of empathy, etc).

- what role did the BS play in the marital "problems' or "issues" or whatever that precipitated the WS deciding to cheat instead of confronting the problems.

Godspeed

Thanks all, and good points.

@gmc94, thank you for the book recommendation. I'm now halfway through it (bought it this pm) and she says she's purchased it on Kindle.

GMC94: You are so right about MC's and how some of them are so horrible at addressing infidelity. Our MC put the blame of the affair on me as much as my ex-wife without even knowing the facts. She chastised me for not getting over "it" only two weeks after getting my ex-wife to confess. Her incompetency and my gullibility kept a nightmare of a marriage afloat until the ex-wife was caught again six wasted years later. The MC had guaranteed that the ex-wife would never cheat again. I am now a graduate of the school of thought that any cheating on me will result in divorce/termination of a relationship. No second chances. Too old for that bullshit.

Just gonna echo that couples or marriage counseling is more likely than not going to be a waste of time and $. There are just a TON of reasons why MC is RARELY helpful right after dday. Starting with the fact that most BS are experiencing TRAUMA, and their ability to manage their reactions may be limited or non existent.

Even the WS is too close in to the reframing they did for the A to have the answers the CC need. They will be speaking their rationales they used to justify the A, not the root cause. They need help to get the introspection needed to figure out why first. There are cases where early CC might be helpful early, but SWMM doesn't seem to be one of them.

IMO MC is useful when things first start going bad in a relationship, not immediately after an affair. The cheater needs to figure out why they did it other than because they wanted to and the betrayed needs to figure if and why they want get back with the cheater, or how they will go on without the cheater and this may take IC

MC right now is a waste, maybe in a year if you decide to stick together.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:49 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

Still would be helpful to know these things if you don’t mind:

A few questions to help us understand the situation better:

So what’s in the WhatsApp messages? What kind of things do they say to each other. Does your wife know you have these?

How do you know your wife is not seeing him now, while you are apart?

Finally, sorry if I missed it, but how did they meet and start up?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:18 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

shewasmymuse

How you doing?

I'm also a lawyer

What is keeping you in this relationship.

You have no kids.

No house.

No Loyalty (WW)

You are the judge at this moment. What has she done to earn a lighter sentence (chance at reconciliation)?

Has she come back from that city?

-If she has not come back to speak with you using her Sick leave, Paid Time Off, vacation time you can see her priorities

Given you a timeline?

Gave you all her passwords?

Shown you all the messages she sent POS?

Cut off friends that knew of her affair?

What have her current actions told you. I hope that she is paying the full cost for therapy and counseling.

Realistically what does your wife bring into this relationship besides lies and deceit. She hid this affair for a long time what else is she hiding?

she did what was expected and tried to shift blame toward me.

So she's offering to do you a huge life favour by taking you back, with all your warts and faults.

You just need to get over the eensy weensy little fact she cheated on you for a year.

Take your love goggles all the way off. What kind of a person cheats on their spouse for a year? Cruel, sneaky, abusive, selfish, liar.

Buddy, maybe you don't want to grow old with this woman? Maybe you don't want to raise a family with this woman, have her as your kids Mom?

She's a very good cheater and liar for keeping this a secret for a year. She just compartmentalizes you and your marriage into a box when she goes and fucks another man.