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When a matter came up and I said I didn't trust him (she's known him for a while and I knew that she considered him a friend), she asked whether I trusted her, I said completely, and she said, then why are you worrying. And because I trusted her completely, I stopped worrying.

And there it is. The number one reason why cheating borders on evil. Anyone who argues it is about the relationship of the couple and not the cheater abusing the betrayed, is clueless.

It depends where on the timeline the A was on when this was discussed. If it was just in the deep friendship stage there's enough plausible deniability to even the wayward to believe that trusting her was a plausible request. If WS/AP were in the bumping uglies stage, yes that's just an evil by the wayward . My guess because the BS picked up on it it was at least at the EA\flirting stage which I think is kind of an ugly thing to do but not necessarily evil. Regardless it becomes evil when the wayward allows the A to progress without coming clean. Splitting hairs I know but I feel it does make a difference. Lies of omission after the fact is less toxic, than a direct lie during while playing the trust me card.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:37 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

This concerns me...

She says she has broken it off with the OP (he left his wife to be with her).

If he left his wife to be with yours, he is not just going to go away. I think he's going to keep coming for her...aggressively. If she still has feelings for him (and she probably does), it's going to be hard for her to resist. She's not going to be able to tell him to go away. In fact, if she is like my STBXWW she will give him just enough to string him (and you) along.

No contact is imperative here. Watch her actions, especially the phone. The phone is always a dead giveaway, hiding it, changing/adding a password, always with her, placing it face down, putting it down every time you walk into the room, taking it into the bathroom, staying up late at night, getting up in the middle of the night, getting up early. Computer use too if they are in contact by email, unusual use, late night, deleting browser history, incognito tab use.

I can't stress enough...NO CONTACT! I promise you she will give him just enough to keep him hooked...a text here and there...maybe a sexy pic now and then to keep him occupied.

Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

One man to another... do not ever follow a woman.

Stay where you are, keep your good job. Do not chase a person who betrayed you so brazenly. She should not just offer to quit her new job and move back, she should just move back and work on pursuing you, fixing the marriage that she destroyed for no damn good reason other than for the tawdry thrill of having two men dote on her. She's all talk.

No man, do not accept her bullshit reasons for doing what she did. Take the time to decide what you want to do, but if she is not pursuing you then it is definitely not worth it. She used you. She used you for financial and emotional support and encouragement to build herself and her career, and once you were no longer useful to her she threw you away, because she thought she was going to trade up for this other guy.

Not only that, but she tricked you into financing her trips to go see him. Brother she is grimy.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:51 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

I've laid out rules and the first couple of actions she has to take to even start making amends. She has done those.

What are the rules/actions?

@thatbpguy, thank you. I've pretty much said that, although likely in a less direct way because I always try to accentuate the positive.

This is a time to be direct. Don’t use statements that leave room for interpretation.

She has offered to leave her job and move back here immediately.

Her words are meaningless right now. Only actions matter. An offer is only words. What is she doing?

Great responses you’re receiving so far but, time is of the essence and there are things you need to get done immediately or opportunities for an optimal outcome will be lost.

First of all, the “Optimal Outcome” is to get you out of infidelity. As long as you remain in infidelity-and ANY of its many permutations, you will go nowhere but down. You will make zero progress. Your relationship will ultimately fail. You will expose yourself and be vulnerable to all sorts of damage, trauma and manipulation.

Get out of infidelity NOW.

1). Preserve all evidence. Get her phone now! Don’t give her any time to destroy evidence. There MUST be full disclosure. You can not go forward without making THE MOST informed decisions possible. If you’re considering reconciliation and eventual forgiveness, you must first know EXACTLY what you’re being asked to forgive and what you’re reconciling. Currently you don’t have a clue. You have zero clue as to the depths of betrayal that have taken place. You have no clue who your wife really is and...what she REALLY thinks about you and your relationship. Knowledge is power.

2). Initiate Absolute No Contact (NC). No contact with him and no contact with any enabling friends. Isolate them. Monitor all her communications.

3). Initiate hard boundaries and full transparency

4). Demand a thorough timeline of the evolution of the A.

5). Don’t offer Reconciliation (R) just yet. Way too premature. R is a precious gift that must be earned and maintained by her. Bide your time and watch her actions for signs of remorse vs regret. Watch to see if she is a candidate for R. There are certain mandatory prerequisites for R. Only few WSs possess these prerequisites.

6). Protect yourself from blame shifting, rug sweeping, door matting, cake eating, trickle truth, marriage history rewriting DARVOing etc. Protect your dignity. Do not allow yourself to manipulated. Do not chase her. Do not grovel or beg. Do not play “The Pick Me Dance”. This is repugnant to cheaters. Show self respect and control. Your self respect should rise above all other emotions.

7). Now bear with us on this next piece of advice. Serve her with divorce papers. D papers shock waywards out of their extremely addictive surrealistic affair bubble whiplashing them back into the real world-your marriage. It reminds them, in the most shocking way, that they...are...married. They are in a contract that you take seriously. There are consequences and you ain’t fucking around and, you ain’t waiting around for anything less than full proactive and aggressively executed devotion. When, and if, she gets her shit together you can always rescind the D papers and put the D on hold with no harm done. Trust me, this is solidly one of the best moves you can make.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:28 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

You all are amazing. Thank you. I truly appreciate all your kind words and direct advice.

Re divorce, the process in New Zealand is long and drawn out. I talked to a lawyer yesterday. I've noted the day of separation, which is the first step in the process. Divorce and dissolution of marriage cannot happen until two years after separation.

She told me to trust her about meeting up with him (she mentioned to me that he was recently divorced with two kids) and I said I don't trust him because I know too many people like him. This was approximately a year into their relationship.

I have given the no contact order and, while I don't have access to her physical phone, I have access to the phone bill, which tells me every number she has called or texted. I am monitoring it.

The actions so far are no contact and, after giving me two days to think whether I truly want to give this a shot, fly back here. I should know by Friday where I will be based for the next couple of years (not the city she is in). Also a demand for her to start IC. That started this morning.

Next steps will be a thorough timeline of the A development (thank you all for suggesting that, it would not have occurred to me) and reading it out to me. I've also demanded a full STI panel to be run (and am getting one myself--as my doctor said, "She lied to you about being with one person, not a stretch to think she would lie to you about being with more people.").

@Undeserving, thank you so much for those kind and supportive words. I am so sorry for the situation you are in, too. It really is a son of a bitch.

I'll also tell her to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How To Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda McDonald immediately. And demand access to all her electronic devices.

I am blessed to have a great support network across the country and people who are watching my back and helping me out.

She's up here tomorrow. I'll know more then. Hopefully.

have access to the phone bill, which tells me every number she has called or texted. I am monitoring it.

This is false security. Burner phones are easy to get. And cheap. And he may have given her a phone. Especially since you are living apart.

Also, there are all kinds of apps she could be messaging him on.

Do not base your assumption of NC on the fact that you can see the phone bill.

When she comes up to see you she is going to put on the waterworks, cry and beg... OR... she'll be defensive, snotty and blameshift everything on to you. Don't accept any of those tactics.

Women can go from weepy to evil in the space of five seconds. They are taught to do that in that secret afterschool girl training all girls go to in second grade. But seriously, do not let her manipulate you. And do NOT have sex with her no matter how hard she tries to p*ssy-bomb you. You need to start playing smart and protecting yourself.

Last but not least... do not for give her yet and do not make her any promises. None.

She told me to trust her about meeting up with him

You need to know she will lie. All WS lie. None of them are honest. They thought they could start and stop a relationship in your marriage without consulting you. She regularly lied to you.

Lots of people recommend a polygraph to confirm her timeline.

I filed on my wife and then stopped the process when I felt she was taking action. Like you said, the process is 2 years.

Why not start it when she shows up and then tell her that she has those 2 years to convince you not to divorce her. That she loved him which means she stopped loving you at times.

She even tried playing house/mommy with him to his kids. You also should compare the timeline to his exwife's. I am sure she can help you understand more about what your WW has been up to.

Good luck and know, now is when you go shock and awe. You don't demand things, you simply go the 360. Stop talking to her and force her to chase you. You built her self esteem and this is how she rewarded you.

Now she has to build you up while you are hostile. You know you deserve her 110% effort. Nothing less.

Oh, and don't sleep with her for at least 60 days. It will just confuse you 2 more.

She told me to trust her about meeting up with him

Sorry man but this is laughable.

I have given the no contact order and, while I don't have access to her physical phone, I have access to the phone bill, which tells me every number she has called or texted. I am monitoring it.

Remember the are many apps that would allow fast communication, like WhatsApp, Snapchat, Messenger, etc., some may even be hidden and disguised with a different icon such as a calculator, so verify and open every single app on her phone, and finally sometimes cheaters get a "burner phone" to continue communicating with the AP (very common).

Sometimes cheaters install and uninstall an app daily just to communicate with the AP, check the app download history and re-install, if you're lucky all deleted texts could be recovered that way.

Besides the STD/STI tests, depending on her age if she's not on birth control, a pregnancy test is in order.

Try to be strong tomorrow during the confrontation, do not cry in front of her, look her straight in the eyes and tell her to start talking, make sure you record the entire conversation, have some of your questions ready, if she comes with the "I'm confused" or "I love you both" bullshit, wait for her to finish her story and tell her you will be filing for D and that like another poster mentioned tell her you MAY only reconsider if the situation changes but that there are no guarantees and she would need to do the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed with her huge betrayal.

I have access to the phone bill, which tells me every number she has called or texted. I am monitoring it.

This is good but, it’s not enough. You need to see content. You need to see what she has said about you and the marriage. You need to see how far gone she is. You need to know if this situation is salvageable. Some depths of betrayal maybe total deal breakers for you. What she says to her AP and others about you and your marriage behind your back can be VERY telling. Many of us-myself included, have discovered a side to our WSs that we didn’t know existed, that was shockingly different from who we thought they were, how we thought they regarded us. Many BS’s have discretely surveilled their WSs after DD and discovered their promises for R, their remorse, was completely false, an act to save the marriage for all the wrong reasons (security, financial, kids, retirement, appearances, etc) everything but true love.

I think you need to get in contact with the OBS. It took guts to warn you. She did you a big favor at a very high personal cost. She may have more to tell you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your wife did this all on her own. She was going to be unfaithful no matter what you look like, what you did, how you acted or what you said.

You really are going to take her say so after she told you she loves the other guy?

What are your plans to keep tabs on her? Trust but verify. Could you put a GPS in her car? How about a nanny cam in her bedroom?

Are these things feasible for you? Way too many WS assure their nice trusting BS at the same time they take their affair underground. Their lying faces look just like their normal face.

[This message edited by Ariopolis at 8:23 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

^^^^^^^ I think you need to get in contact with the OBS. It took guts to warn you. She did you a big favor at a very high personal cost. She may have more to tell you.

Brother cheaters lie, they lie a lot and about everything so to control the outcome. She knowingly did this to you.

She did lie and gas light you. Your subconscious was telling you one thing yet her mouth told you another. Listen to that bull shit meter in your mind ‘if it goes off she is not being truthful.

The big question is why does she now want you and only you now after 12 to 18 months of unicorn fart land?

The bs answer that she loves you. Last week she loved him more. She just happened to get a promotion in his locality what a coincidence!

Cover all finances, she most likely can have a pre paid mobile back at her and his place that she won’t bring with her. Verify before re trust.

Good luck, eat healthy and hit the gym to deal with the anger. Drinking or drugs won’t help. Use a condom until the sti results come in. Verify everything as there is no trust at the moment. File for D it can be stopped at any time. She has to do the heavy lifting you my friend don’t do any pick me dance as she will just rug sweep this LTA and think you are weak.

One day at a time.

She told me to trust her about meeting up with him

If it was that easy, why didn't she do it before, she said how much she wanted to do it herself.

There is a saying here; "Don't believe anything she says and believe half of what you see."

Just as BS' are hard to recover from the trauma of infidelity, WS' are also difficult to get rid of their A's. It seems that they had a long time and deep relationship. It's not something that ends with finger snapping, especially when she has such facility of movement.

As with the previous ones, very good suggestions came after your last post. I want to highlight some of them too.

Burner phones and apps make communication very easy. Seeing the phone bill might not mean much. First of all, they already live in the same area.

Are you still in contact with AP's ex-wife? If she still lives in the same area, she may provide information on whether their A continues or not.

Don't hesitate to show how your trust in her has been broken. In this regard, behavior is more effective than words. Things like STD test and pregnancy test aren't just health measures. It doesn't matter if the probability is weak, you should make her feel ashamed of what she did. If you had a child, I would also recommend a paternity test, for example.

Don't show her a weakness. She showed that she does not respect you anyway, do not increase this disrespect further by crying and begging. Let her talk, you don't need to tell her much about your plans, feelings and thoughts. Also don't make any promise. You don't owe her such a thing anyway. When very necessary, you can make short and clear sentences without showing emotion. She must see that you are cold towards her and understand that if she wants this situation to fix, she is the one who must take steps. Do hard 180. You can find and read in "healing library" section about it.

Wish you best.

She is your wife.

One would think that taking that step, getting married, saying vows to one another, before God, your family and friends, that the two of you TRUSTED each other???

If not why get married???

Now she's told you she's cheated on you, lied to you, and oh by the way she's also fallen in love with another man, but she now wants you to "TRUST" her that she won't see him??

I mean COME ON???

REALLY??

Are you that gullible?

I'd look her in the eyes, and use a Cliff Claven line (from Cheers), and ask her, "what color is the sky in your world"???

I am a carer and a nurturer.

This is one of those cases where the only person you need to nurture is yourself.

Adultery is abuse. Your WW abused you for a year. Asking yourself if you did something wrong is the equivalent of a rape victim asking whether he/she has done something to cause this.

As a victim, you will need to put your foot down and lay down the rules so that you can heal, she can build trust back, and never abuse you again.

If you are to consider R, your WW cannot be in love with someone else. She must view her AP as a broken individual who, along with herself, almost destroyed her life (and hurt you tremendously in the process) for an illusion.

If she still has feelings for the OM, don’t bother, start your 2 years journey towards D.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:02 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

She told me to trust her

File that divorce man. There is ZERO trust after infidelity. Sucks you need to be separated for two years.

Quick question: does DM mean anything in infidelity speak?