SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did any of her friends or coworkers know about the affair? If any did and supported it or at the very least didn’t counsel her against it then they’re not friends of your marriage and will have to go. As for the ones she’s seeking support from, if she can’t be honest about why her marriage is at risk then she’s being selfish in asking for their comfort under false pretenses. She should be finding ways to support you. It’s clear she has no idea about the trauma she has inflicted on you.

You should seek individual counseling with a therapist who is versed in treating trauma/ptsd. Stay away from marriage counseling for now. Most of them have little idea how to handle infidelity.

Maybe she needs to move to another job.

Or maybe she will hop from one inappropriate relationship to another. She seems to be acting very selfishly right now.

I’m sorry you are being traumatized like this. The affair is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. She’s just using every and any excuse to justify her selfish choices.

You have every right to be concerned about her b/c she made promises after the first EA (emotional affair) but didn’t keep those promises.

She needs some serious counseling. Immediately.

And if she does not become remorseful soon you will have very little to reconcile with b/c she will always blame you and never take responsibility for the affair.

Read up on affair fog and living in limbo. It can help you understand her mindset.

Do you trust you WW right now? I'm confused because after going through what you did I wouldn't trust her...and yet you seem to be believing the things she's telling you...and just going on her word.

If you don't trust her your going to need to verify what she's telling you. Did she really cut contact with the EA person when she said she did? Check her phone records. Did the Physical Affair person really leave? Find out his name and check the records.

You've stated that don't want to know the details because they will be difficult to forget. Don't you feel like not knowing is making it worse? Can you really relax knowing your WW is at work? Knowing she may or may not be with OM?

How do you even know that the two guys are different? That she didn't just say it was another guy to throw you off?

I guess what I'm saying is that you might need to fully know what you are forgiving before you can trust and forgive...

I wasn't sure what was what in this case and then you said she did it "twice". It's hardly a "mistake" the fact it happened the 2nd time.

The fact that there were two men, and in the time scale of your marriage, the two were essentially in rapid succession. All of this in the vicinity of child birth. (believe this: it's not believable that corona was a player anywhere in this mess of HERS).

Did she suffer severe depression during this period?

The other thing was she was grooming herself, after the baby. Most women progress more slowly on grooming on the second or more child. That grooming could have been something to do with wanting to impress the beaus.

Yes, and I had some very bad experiences with my fWW "activities" leading to my disinterest in kissing her. I still think about that (decades later).

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:38 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

I found out the male she cheated on with me is married. Do I search out and find him and his wife and tell her what her husband did with my wife. I feel he made her do this to some extent. I know she is guilty also but I feel like I want his wife to know. I don’t know if this is rage still in wanting to hurt people. I can’t concentrate on work and this is consuming me.

Hurt330,

I recommend you find the OBS and let her know. Do not let your wife know before you do this - she will likely warn the OM who will then spin lies to the OBS. The OBS deserves to know the truth and make her own decisions about her future and her marriage. This is not about revenge. It is about doing the right thing.

Also, make sure you're taking care of yourself. Eat right, drink plenty of water, exercise, avoid alcohol, and get plenty of sleep. As soon as you can get into IC, please do so. Until that happens, read the Healing Library articles and books.

While the OM played a part your wife made the decision to cheat.

You should inform his wife ASAP. Do not tell your wife or they will conspire against you.

I found out the male she cheated on with me is married. Do I search out and find him and his wife and tell her what her husband did with my wife. I feel he made her do this to some extent. I know she is guilty also but I feel like I want his wife to know. I don’t know if this is rage still in wanting to hurt people. I can’t concentrate on work and this is consuming me.

Yes by all means contact the OBS. Outside of that the AP doesn't matter as much as your unremorseful WW. She has continued to lie to you to protect the Ap. At this point, moving forward with filing for D is your best course of action until she decides that your M is important enough to do her part.

So sorry for what has happened to to you Hurt330. Some things you need to do that will be hard to do especially since this is now the 2nd time that you currently know of that you need to do:

1) Since she has lied now multiple times. The first affair happened I think you said during her last pregnancy even though she said it was only a EA she obviously can not be believed I strongly suggest that you have DNA testing on your child.

2) Also, as others have already said you need the name and contact info for both of the men to be able to check and verify that she is not having any contact with either.

3) You need her to now let you have all access to all of her ways of communication and passwords. She must understand that she has lost all trust from you and it is up to her to work to gain this back.

4) Yes you should let the wife know (I would bet she found out) and that's why your wife decided to tell you before you heard it from either the guys wife or someone else.

5) Also, if the first guy is married or in a relationship I would let their significant other know as well and if you have any emails or text messages you uncover I would share those with the OM's spouses.

6) Not sure how you feel about what your WS is telling you but you may want to consider a polygraph test to get to the bottom of both affairs.

Again so sorry for what you are going through. I hope everything works out for you. I do hate to say it but from your post so far it seems to have hurt you and your relationship more than it seems to bother your wife.

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 1:38 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

I found out the male she cheated on with me is married. Do I search out and find him and his wife and tell her what her husband did with my wife. I feel he made her do this to some extent. I know she is guilty also but I feel like I want his wife to know. I don’t know if this is rage still in wanting to hurt people. I can’t concentrate on work and this is consuming me.

1. Find his wife and tell her. Make your cheating wife give you everything they texted together or emailed. (If she won't, divorce her). Have it printed and ready. IF she can't find his wife, you find his wife. You can have a PI or you/friends follow him home. Find his car at work and put a GPS Tracker on it. You can find it. After finding his home, remove the GPS Tracker, wait till he goes to work and give all the evidence to his wife.

2. You have to give your wife your wife a choice. She either quits or gets a divorce. You have to separate the workplace where she was having an affair from her, she'll do it again there. She feels safe there thats why she did it. Everyone at her job hid it from you. Its toxic.

3. After AFTER AFTER the AP Wife knows, take all the evidence you have, YOU go to the HR Department and give it to them. Tell them they should know about the affair and how inappropriate it is. How much HARM it caused someone. Remember medical officials give a oath to heal, not harm.

4. Tell all friend and family about the affair.

5. SERVE YOUR WIFE DIVORCE PAPERS AFTER YOU DO ALL THIS. Yes, HAVE HER SERVED. You do this regardless if you want to try to work it through or not. Have her served. Its a big slap in the face to have papers served. She will know how serious it is and it will generally take them out of affair fog. Plus the first person who serves the other often has an advantage of any divorce. You don't have to go thru with it, but have her served.

6. Do all the healing stuff for you. Remember, she DESTROYED the marriage, she abolished all your wedding vows. Its up to her whether or not you can salvage this or not.

Do I search out and find him and his wife and tell her what her husband did with my wife.

Yes but just that they were having an affair. You have no idea what they did. The OBS will try to get it out of her WH and may let you know what she finds out.

Why did she confess to you? Something really smells. Unlikely this is her first rodeo. Definitely find the AP's wife and notify her ASAP. Also, contact HR at the hospital and notify them of what happened. Blow this thing sky high. Your wife has to understand that there are severe consequences for what she did. Demand she quit her job and find another nursing gig. Generally pretty easy for nurses to do. Too bad for her if she doesn't like it. Finally, a polygraph test is a must. Explore all other past liaisons. This is outrageous and under no circumstances should she be allowed to rug sweep this crap. IC counseling for her with a therapist versed in infidelity is a must. If you don't do any of these things and allow her to rug sweep this mess, go find yourself a girlfriend because your marriage won't be worth a plug nickel at that point. I am sorry I am so blunt and a little over the top. I am a BS who ate a giant shit sandwich before I finally divorced the skank. I get emotional when I see this happening to others. I truly feel for you and wish you the best. Do everything to make you and your children safe. File for divorce, but tell your wife that you will not finalize it if she cleans up her act big time. Others here have explained in detail what she needs to do. Good luck. All that matters now are you and your children. It's totally up to your WW to show you she is worth keeping around.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:39 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

I feel he made her do this to some extent

Nope, she chose to cheat. SHE betrayed you so don't focus on him.

Find the wife and tell her.

Also, I do believe that nurses and doctors that work side by side in hospitals are prone to affairs for a number of reasons, none of them justifiable. I do believe a certain culture regarding affairs does permeate these workplaces. Your wife may have thought why not join in on the fun without regard to thinking about the harm it would cause.

1. Yes, tell the OM's betrayed spouse as she has a right to know. It's the proper thing to do.

2. Out her on social media. Exactly what she did and with who. This may bring some good peer pressure on her to stop.

3. Notify the HR dept of this and that to anticipate a lawsuit. You don't need to actually do so, but they need to know if they have profilers and sexual predators working for them.

4. File for divorce and have her served. She needs to know how seriously you're taking this. The divorce can be stayed.

5. Read about the "180" here on the site. I suggest different bedrooms and making as much time for yourself as you can. You need time to process all of this.

6. yes, spend time with your children, but also take time for you. You need to try and remain positive as you can so as to think clearly.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

Cheaters lie a lot. Don't believe any words (past and present, including swears on anything) that originate from her. What you know seems like the tip of the iceberg. There can be much more about the A and (former) EA. Do you know the identity of the other coworker? I think you should know him too. Do you have any other proof other than your WW's words that nothing happened between them and she ended the friendship?

How did you find out her AP? Did she confirm that he is the AP?

Ask her to prepare a timeline of the events and take polygraph test. You need the whole truth now. Don't waste your time and energie with her lies.

Conventional wisdom is that you get in touch with the OBS and tell her about her POS H.

She should know for her life is entangled in this and she probably doesn't even know it.

[This message edited by rugswept at 2:18 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

1. Your wife had an emotional affair before with a previous coworker.

-You roll over for her. Get therapy, and try to make her happy.

2. Your wife has another affair. Probably a emotional affair on top of the physical affair.

This is a trend for your wife. You sure the previous affair was just an emotional affair? Do you have the full truth about affair number 1?

Your wife has another affair. What consequences has your wife had after affair number 1?

Therapy?

Exposure?

Poly test?

STD test?

Post nup agreement?

You did it her way after affair number 1 and look what happened. She did it again. Time to take the bull by the horns and make your demands.

I know she is guilty also but I feel like I want his wife to know. I don’t know if this is rage still in wanting to hurt people.

Yes, tell his wife. They both share the blame but his wife is the only one that doesn't know what's going on. She deserves to know. He doesn't get to go on his merry way after leaving your marriage in a shambles.

Do not tell your WW you are going to do this. Do not try to blackmail the OM. Do not use it as a threat. Try to be as kind as you can to the OBS when you tell her. Give the OBS time to process what she's been told. Give her a way to contact you if she has further questions or gets more information.

Find out if he has actually moved to a different location and when he moved. Make sure your WW is telling the truth.

I had her swear on her life....

Really?

You think that means anything coming from a cheater?

Look up the 180, and do it.