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exAP very publicly vocal

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Dragonfly123 posted 5/9/2021 02:27 AM

I’m doing ok, WH is doing ok, life is generally easy and happy. We keep to ourselves and concentrate on repairing our family. He’s working hard. Tbh I’m proud of him.

But (and this is truly an issue for me with reconciliation) the exAP is NOW using the affair as part of her strategy to promote her new ‘coaching’ business which is based on sex, dating and relationships 🙄. I’ve been dealing with a couple of videos describing the ‘relationship’ (she’s ALWAYS the victim of emotional and mental abuse, I’m always ‘HIS EX’ never the wife) and how she fought back to exit this damaging relationship for her 🤮. I have avoided her SM as much as is humanly possible to do, (hard when you know that she will be discussing this) but I have now been told there will soon be ‘podcasts’ which I know will have her talking about my WH (again) because she describes their relationship as the ‘reason’ for what she’s doing, ‘helping’ women avoid men like him! Nothing to do with the six figure salary she’s hoping for... but I digress.

It’s been a hard few months dealing with this. I’ve also woken up to see her bloody face on the page of a national newspaper around all of this, so I really am in need of support.

IRL friends and family are just tired of hearing about her, I barely mention her as I get shut down if I do. They hate her, they loathe everything she stands for and don’t want her to have any power over me but that’s easier said than done.

I’m tired and worn out of there always being another way of her shouting about it all from the rooftops.

I just want to move forward but this keeps throwing me back.

I won’t listen to these podcasts when they start, i know pretty much everything there is to know about the affair because she’s already put it out there, I guess that makes me ‘lucky’ I have the whole picture, maybe I just want some sympathy.

I haven’t given her anything, I won’t feed a narcissist, so we will not respond to any of this.

I just want to heal quietly. Anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 7:40 AM, May 9th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 5/9/2021 06:25 AM

Shine some “light and love” her way with the truth.

She’s NOT a victim!!

pearlamici posted 5/9/2021 08:42 AM

Do any of her listeners call her out on being the infidelity partner?

Dragonfly123 posted 5/9/2021 09:13 AM

The podcast thing is new, but the videos no, they take it at face value when she calls me the ex. Her ‘friends’ must know but tbh the attention she gets is from other ‘life coaches’, businesses, sleazy men that kind of thing. They wouldn’t, too busy with their own agendas.

Tbh I’m low today about it all. I’ve really given her absolutely nothing. She has a stable boyfriend and I honestly thought things would settle. But this is all getting to be now, I know I shouldn’t give her head space but it’s hard when you know she’s talking so blatantly about me and my family.

pearlamici posted 5/9/2021 09:34 AM

“helping women avoid men like him” ...does she mean married? The mental gymnastics people go thru.

[This message edited by pearlamici at 9:35 AM, May 9th (Sunday)]

landclark posted 5/9/2021 11:19 AM

Do you need somebody to troll her? I’m totally down for that.

One of the APs in my case is amassing a following on Tik Tok based on woman power and raising strong women, and rejecting men who aren’t up to par. She’s a fucking hypocrite. I may have trolled her once or twice. No regrets.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/9/2021 12:45 PM

I’m in on trolling :-)
She’s a real special snowflake, FFS.

Dragonfly123 posted 5/10/2021 00:58 AM

“helping women avoid men like him” ...does she mean married? The mental gymnastics people go thru.

I can’t begin to tell you the level she’ll stoop too, his addiction issues, severe depression and suicidal tendencies at the time (he was absolutely broken I was terrified I’d wake up and he’d be gone) are described as him ‘going through some stuff BUT...’ and then she moves to herself as victim, again. TBH it’s hard not to see him as a victim of her when you listen to all this and I can’t go there because he has to be accountable for his actions.

One of the APs in my case is amassing a following on Tik Tok based on woman power and raising strong women, and rejecting men who aren’t up to par. She’s a fucking hypocrite. I may have trolled her once or twice. No regrets.

I can not get over the level of cognitive dissonance that goes on. This woman is actually trying to coach single mummahs... so targeting a group who are likely to have been through the trauma of infidelity and then charging huge amounts of money for the privilege! The coaching business is unregulated so there is nothing I can do.

BB and landclark I so want to troll her but I just know that any attention is a real turn on for her and I just can’t bring myself to do it. The other day I was driving along the road my workplace is on at the end of my day and she and boyfriend were walking along it (super slowly). I couldn’t believe it because this is a rubbish part of town and was way out of their way home (first day as well that she hasn’t had to pick up her kids at the time I leave work). I stupidly turned the car around because I couldn’t believe it was them and wanted to check it out. Stupid because she knew my car and they both laughed and waved at me. She was chuffed to bits. I did hold their gaze and just stared incredulously at them but I felt awful all weekend for giving her what she wanted, attention from me.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:00 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

Bigger posted 5/10/2021 04:20 AM

Does she outright name your husband?
Is it clear who she is referring to?
Can any reasonable person deduct it’s your husband?

If any of the above you could take legal action.
If none – well… ignore her. Don’t allow her to live in your brain rent-free.

Bor9455 posted 5/10/2021 08:07 AM

There is one thing you could try that is a bit out of the box. The YouTube algorithm is such that you can sort of piggy back off a person's "popularity" by tagging them or "responding" to them in your own videos. You could start a channel and debunk some of her lies with the truth. I don't even seen that as anything other than setting the record straight.

Chaos posted 5/10/2021 08:23 AM

Ya know - since many attorneys offer free consult - it may be worth a phone call to see if you have any legal rights in this area.

If so - you may be able to get her content restricted where it comes to you.

And if nothing else- you'll know where you stand.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/10/2021 08:56 AM

Dragonfly... you don’t have to troll this yourself....I think people are volunteering to do it for you.

TX1995 posted 5/10/2021 09:22 AM

Dragonfly123,it is so frustrating when an AP is like that so publicly.

Mine is like that as well. A couple of months ago she had an interview/article where she said she follows her ethics - no exceptions. She did another video about BOUNDARIES FFS. And claims to be authentic, honest and cares so much about empowering women. She is beloved by her co-workers and others in her industry and her BH posts about her being the most amazing woman and mother. I often wonder where karma is...

I find that the best solution is to stop googling her name or looking at her SM. I blocked the AP on my SM so that it's harder for me to look her up. I actually gave her up for lent last year! I know it's hard, but I find when I give her less head space, I just feel a little better in general.

On the other hand, I kind feel like we should KNOW about people who are trying to monetize their "learnings" from affairs and not give them the time of day. Like I know Kristen Neff's books about self-compassion are supposed to be great, but I refuse to buy one since she cheated on her spouse.

As an aside, life coaching really should be regulated. Heck, I feel like a lot of therapists don't have enough training, much less someone who has not been through any kind of real training. I also feel like this about influencers. I think I'm just tired of liars and fake people in general!

Shehawk posted 5/10/2021 09:53 AM

I am really sorry your wh's actions brought this into you life.

I understand in part how you feel because I was deliberately publicly humiliated by my wh and his ap(s) and "the groups". It felt like a public shaming and it did a lot of damage to me. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Slanted posted 5/10/2021 10:11 AM

I don't know if it would help, but just for your mentally adjusting, might be worth trying to envision this as her fictional story and character(s) she's concocted. Just like how a writer uses experience but sometimes alters it dramatically, even though there is an echo of the reality that someone else might recognize. The character in the story isn't so much your WH as it is a character with some of his attributes. If she's not calling him out in a way that's specific and identifiable, she's probably changing the story in whatever dishonest way she feels like to market herself. (Not defending this -- it's not any less unethical or awful.)

My ex is doing something similar to me, prolifically if less publicly. Some days it's just because of something I supposedly did, and some days she had to cheat because of patriarchy and the institution of marriage. I'm still not clear on how I forced her to get married and take vows, but apparently I did. I'm just dastardly like that, I guess.

Dragonfly123 posted 5/11/2021 00:37 AM

Thanks - She doesn’t mention him by name and I guess you’d only know who she is talking about if you knew of their affair. There is nothing out there linking them during the affair because you know it was an affair and he was desperately ashamed. Legal action was my first thought but I don’t think I have anything to go on. But I am hearing what you’re saying Bigger and Chaos, I may have a word.

Bor9455 I thought about that too but tbh I hate images of myself or videos of myself out in the general public arena. I’m pretty private other than to my friends on SM. I’d love to get my side out though, it’s kind of a fantasy, really punch back so to speak!

Homewrecked think I wrote my response wrong. I guess I just know that any trolling from anywhere, she’ll put down to me. So even if it was being done on my behalf she’d still get off on it believing it came from me - deep sigh.

TX1995 that absolutely sucks! Why on earth can’t her work colleagues see through the BS? My WHs AP actually did a video about CHEATING. Just one of those Tiktok style pouting at camera and pointing at ‘wise’ words on the screen rubbish. I was nearly sick. Although thankfully she mostly kept her clothes on for that one 🙄. I too go through periods of not looking and I do feel stronger when I do but then she seems to subconsciously know and ups the anti with more out there stuff.

And don’t get me started on the coaching rubbish. The arrogance of these people thinking they have anything to offer that trained counsellors do not and then charge extortionate amounts is just mind boggling!

Shehawk thank you, I have really struggled these past few days. I feel like I’ve fought back so many times the past few months, you know put my best foot forward, tried to laugh it off to the best of my ability but now I just want to curl up and give up. I know I’ll pick myself up again I always do but right now this just sucks. I’m sorry about what your WH and AP put you through.

Slanted, thank you that’s an interesting perspective and one I def need to explore. I have thought a lot about her narrative being so far from the truth that maybe that’s something I can run with. I’m sorry your WW has put you through this. It just feels like another knife after everything you’ve already been through.

One thing that I really now understand from all this as a reconciling spouse is just how ridiculous their so called twu luv, kismet, soulmatism was. As hard as this has been, seeing first hand just how pathetic they both see each other now is really eye opening. But also so sobering.

WH and I talked last night and he’s absolutely convinced this will be a flash in the pan. He’s convinced people will see through her and he’s not concerned what she says. His only concern is for me and his family being hurt by this. I know he hates the fact he brought her into our lives, as he damn well should!

I’ve really appreciated your thoughts, thank you.

Bigger posted 5/11/2021 10:20 AM

If there is no reasonable way your husband can be traced back as the toxic AP she’s talking about…
Well… let her go.

She can go and do her talks and offer her relationship advice and do her podcasts and whatever. You can’t stop her and all trolling or confrontation will do is advertise her speel even more.

Stay away from her. Stay away from her media, her podcasts, her talks… Just stay away.
Whatever snake-oil she’s peddling will appeal to some but will probably run it’s course in a short time.

swmnbc posted 5/11/2021 16:04 PM

So her version of events is that she was dating a separated guy and he dumped her for his "ex" and . . . this has made her have sage-like wisdom?

Look, I try to wish people well, and if there are naive people out there who are going to gravitate to her message (which I highly doubt, but just for the sake of argument), then great. Maybe this lie helped them. But I really have a hard time imagining anyone saying, "Wow, this person whose whole origin story is that she was once dumped is just who I need to tell me how to live a good life." I mean, seriously.

We're all the stars of our own stories, but we're not all convinced that we are wise and worthy of being followed. She sounds like just another huckster trying to peddle easy platitudes. She may be successful financially, or more likely she won't be, but either way, we know that she's not wise, and anyone who follows her is doing so under false pretenses.

After a few laughs at how silly she is, I'd try to wish the seekers well and move on. People will see through her, and if they don't, then she's probably acting like a mirror to prop up what's broken inside them. It's hard to begrudge anyone who's as sad as that.

HouseOfPlane posted 5/12/2021 13:05 PM

I have to admit that I would enjoy trolling her. Lord, forgive me that.

Dragonfly123 posted 5/18/2021 00:48 AM

So I couldn’t help myself and I listened to the first one...

There are already three/four out there so at least I’ve only listened to one right... don’t slam me for it.

She AGAIN talks about my husband. She admits it was an affair in this one 🙄, talks about how ‘painful’ it was for the three adults involved, says that NO CHILDREN were involved (if you know my story you’ll know that my WH walked out on us leaving me with absolutely crushed children, it is why I can accept but never forgive him), then goes on to say she knows she’s not the hero she’s the other woman and she has to take responsibility BUT she really loved him and it broke her heart into thousands of pieces blah blah blah. Says she found herself listening to ‘Esther Perel’, the go to choice of any affair partner it would seem! She is now saying she’s going to do a lot of podcasts on infidelity because of this. According to her it’s common for single mothers to have affairs 🙄!

I haven’t spoken to my WH about all this. I shouldn’t have listened.

I have no idea how well these are going down but my suspicions are not very well. It just hurts. And I shouldn’t listen but I know it’s out there and they’ll be more, and that’s easier said than done.

And it’s taking everything I have not to troll her or shout back, but I know that’s pointless and probably what she wants.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:51 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

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