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My husband has been charged with voyerism. The crime was committed against my 12 yr old daughter (his step daughter). He recorded her in the bathroom. There are two no contact orders in place... he can’t contact my daughter, and I can’t contact him. Ex husband (12 yr old’s father) is involved and is pursuing full custody, trying to take her away from me. I my d-day was January 25, 2021. I would have been here sooner but I have had a hard time coming out from under my rock, and finding free/cheap resources to help me make sense of all of this.

I don’t know if there’s a way to search for key words, but I’d like to connect with people who gave dealt with or are currently dealing with WS having criminal charges due to a sex offense. (I tried posting in I Can Relate, but I’m a newbie, so I don’t think I have rights to do that yet.)

Wow, that must be extremely difficult to deal with.

Most of the other members I've seen post about charges had to do with domestic abuse of a spouse or some type of fraud. I don't remember any posts similar to what you are referencing, but there may be.

What kind of support or advice are you looking for? There are a lot of smart folks with a lot of life experience who can probably provide you with some insight or perspective, depending on your goals.

I wish you luck and I hope your daughter is healing.

Tigersrule77, thanks for responding. I guess I just feel like I’m out in the dark wandering around trying to find help. I haven’t encountered many resources that address not just sex addiction, but sex addiction that lead to criminal acts that lead to arrest and charges and most probably prison. I am torn from top to bottom. I love my daughter and am broken that she’s been violated in this way. On the other hand, I also love my husband, who has committed this heinous crime.

I just don’t really even know where to begin processing my thoughts and emotions.

I’m in counseling, and will continue that for the foreseeable future. I just found an in person meeting for spouses of sex addicts about 45 minutes from me, so I’m going to check that out.

I just feel that the complexity of the situation demands some

sort of expert help, but I haven’t found anyone that has experience navigating these waters.

[This message edited by Zoniegirl at 10:59 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

And do you have a good lawyer representing you?

I'm so sorry you and your daughter have to experience this.

Sisoon, I was referred to an attorney, who is representing me. It started with just the custody case. The XH, father of 12 yr old) is pursuing full custody because I indicated early on that I intended to attempt to work this out with my husband. My attorney advised that I might lose custody if I didn’t pursue a divorce, so the attorney is also handling that as well. It’s not what I wanted, at all. But, I feel trapped.

I don’t know how good she is. I wish she would communicate with me more. On the other hand, she bills by the hour, and I can’t afford to send her emails all the time, cuz it just drives the price up... and I’m nearly out of money already :(

Zoniegirl - I'm so sorry. This is a double-betrayal of the worst kind.

In many states, it is likely your husband (hopefully soon to be ex) will be sentenced to several years in prison. I worked with an individual who committed the same crime, albeit in public restrooms. Managed to record himself setting up the cameras. Two felony counts netted him 4 years in state prison. By just dumb luck, no minors were involved or that sentence would have been much longer. This was in NY.

You'll need a good attorney for the custody process. To be honest, in your ex's shoes I would probably sue for custody as well. Doesn't mean he'll win, and showing the court you are taking steps toward divorce and getting your daughter the help she needs to deal with this horrible situation will be taken into account.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

Please get counseling asap for you and your DD as well as a damn good attorney.

I would never, ever have contact with your H again. You need to show your DD that you are 100% on her side and will keep her safe and will never have anything to do with him again.

It is very rare that pedophiles are "cured" - hence my comment above.

Zonie, I hope you get a fair judge. You will need to abide by the rules set in place. I assume CPS is involved. Not only does the judge have the right to remove a child but so does CPS. Try working something out with your ex. If you can show the court you have a safe home for her that might help. Please stick to the plan. Get therapy for your daughter.

A key factor here is how this was discovered.

Was he distributing the recording? Was he caught by your daughter?

Are you convinced your husband is guilty of what he’s charged of or do you think he is innocent?

I fully understand her fathers reaction. Anything less would be negligence on his behalf IMHO. I am fairly certain though that his actions are not to remove his daughter from you, but rather from the household where a man (your present husband)is accused of sexual abuse.

What are your plans? I think you need to realize and accept that IF there is ANY doubt about your husbands innocence (get that? ANY DOUBT that he did or did not do this) you probably have to choose between your marriage and your daughter.

I'm with Bigger. XH is protecting his DD the best way he knows how. Can't fault him for that.

Zonie, in addition to Bigger's questions, could you please let us know what your relationship has been like with WH since? Do you still talk to him? Does he and your DD ever interact? What are your plans for him and your marriage moving forward?

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this - I can't imagine how hard this is.

But... he's a pedophile. If this was a family friend or a grown man other than your husband that did this, would you ever consider keeping him in contact with your child? Would you consider making your daughter live with and play nice with her abuser if it was someone other than your husband? She doesn't have any choice or control here - you do.

Please please get you and your DD into therapy asap so you can both have support navigating this impossible situation.

Zonie - if you continue to pursue a relationship with a man who violated your daughter sexually, then you may not be able to see her without supervision. In addition, you are showing your daughter that you are choosing someone who violated her over her. This will cause long-lasting damage to your daughter and to your relationship with her. I am sorry for your situation, but your husband is filming UNDERAGE children. He is a pedophile....not necessarily a sex addict. In either case, he is not safe for you or for children in general at the moment. Has there been any other sexual contact or inappropriate contact between the two of them? Often. a pedophile threatens their victims in order to keep them silent. Your child's safety MUST trump everything else, including your relationship with a man who may well have come into your life to get closer to your children. That is how many pedophiles operate.

A key factor here is how this was discovered.

Was he distributing the recording? Was he caught by your daughter?

Are you convinced your husband is guilty of what he’s charged of or do you think he is innocent?

If he is guilty ---------

I would never, ever have contact with your H again. You need to show your DD that you are 100% on her side and will keep her safe and will never have anything to do with him again.

It is very rare that pedophiles are "cured" - hence my comment above.

AND, the sooner you divorce, the sooner you protect yourself financially if any others come out of the wood work and sue him.

The no contact orders are great. You can get things in order without his interference. So sorry your daughter had to go through this, especially at that age.

I’m sorry but if you don’t cut all ties with your current H your daughter will resent you fir the rest of your life. And then your XH will have grounds for full custody if he doesn’t already.

Your TOP priority is your daughter not your marriage.

At the moment we don’t know if the husband is guilty or not.

There could be a valid reason for why he was recording the step-daughter and we don’t know the content or nature of the recording. Maybe he thought it was cute she was singing in front of a mirror. Maybe the reason was even more sinister.

That’s why we need more info before we can help you Zoniegirl.

What I do strongly suggest though Zonie is that you seek the truth in believability and logic. Like if your husband’s story isn’t… sensible or believable then it’s probably because it isn’t.

What’s your daughters experience in this? Does she feel like she was violated?

I did social work for many years. If you are still trying to work things out with your current husband there is a good chance you will lose custody of your DD. Do you have other children?

If you are going to continue contact with this man you should allow your exhusband to take custody of her. This isn't an ... he learned his lesson let's give him another chance type of situation.

It doesn't matter how remorseful you believe he is he can't be around your daughter going forward.

I indicated early on that I intended to attempt to work this out with my husband

Do you believe he is innocent? 100% belief?

Or do you believe he can be fixed, or your daughter protected otherwise in the same house?

Sending strength, Zoniegirl. Horrible spot to be in.

Zonie - if you continue to pursue a relationship with a man who violated your daughter sexually, then you may not be able to see her without supervision. In addition, you are showing your daughter that you are choosing someone who violated her over her. This will cause long-lasting damage to your daughter and to your relationship with her. I am sorry for your situation, but your husband is filming UNDERAGE children

^^^This x 1000. Don't know whether he is innocent or guilty but charges were made for a good reason and there's probably proof.

If anyone violated my children, I would loathe them no matter who they were. I would have protected my kids at all costs.

We are not presuming guilt or innocence from the H who is charged. If it’s untrue it’s unfortunate.

But in the eyes of the custody situation — she must put her daughter first. The XH/biological father is looking for full custody. That will be decided most likely before the case is heard in court.

Therefore the child must come first if you wish to retain full custody. And that means in the eyes of the people deciding custody that you must be protecting your child.

I hope these allegations are not without merit.

Zonie, do you know if this happened. I assume police were involved. Is there evidence?

I am going to get preachy. You have a child. Her safety is in your hands. Nothing else matters. If your husband did this then he should not be in your life. Choosing him over your daughter is what CPS/courts will not tolerate.

I feel so badly for you. You love him. You want what you thought was a good man. This has been hell for you and we understand it.

Please take care of yourself.you are grieving.