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Newest Member: Floralfog

Reconciliation :
Facebook Friends

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 Mrken2215 (original poster new member #47370) posted at 12:51 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Its been quite a while since I posted as we have been in a form of R for about 8 years. DD 2013 WW had multiple affair partners.

My question is should I be concerned about wife having male Facebook friends during R? I have access to her phone and Facebook etc so I can see any activity.

My wife had made arrangements to have a man paint our house.She seemed a bit enamored with him and kept telling me she liked how he talked about his girlfriend.(flag1)

Fast forward and they have become Facebook friends. He likes and follows my wife posts almost daily. Especially ones that have an attractive picture of her or talk bout change being good in life.

I haven't seen any inappropriate behavior but I wonder if this is smoke and could there be a fire brewing. Just an FYI for context we have a sexless marriage as well but that is another subject.

Should I be worried or am I making too much out of this?

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2015
id 8662432

landclark ( member #70659) posted at 1:01 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Not sure about her, but I personally would be concerned that he's fishing. That sounds a lot like what my WH did. Also, it's way too easy to hide stuff on social media so in general, it gives me an uneasy feeling.

MY WH has female friends on Facebook, but he went through and cleaned it up a lot after DDAY, and hasn't added any new ones without checking with me. I will say though that Facebook is how he connected with his first AP, and was their primary communication method, so it's more of an issue/sore spot for me.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5

First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.

posts: 2048   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8662438

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:19 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

What are the boundaries that you have set during your Reconciliation? One should be “no familiar conversation with any man of any type without you included”.

Have they done any direct messaging that you see on her phone? Are you allowed to run test recovery software on her phone periodically as terms of reconciliation? If so, do so.

After all that, as part of terms of reconciliation you should be able to ask her to drop anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. If she won’t then you truly haven’t reconciled. You only rug swept. A remorseful WS that wants to rebuild her marriage would not include anyone in her life who makes her BS uncomfortable. She’d want to remove such a person from your lives.

She should ghost him if she’s truly all in with you. A woman who has cheated does not get to both keep her betrayed husband AND have male acquaintances that she talks to in a familiar way without her husband included in the conversation.

If she wants that then it’s time for her to be on her own without you. And if it were me, I’d let her know that. If you do, and she acts defensively and without empathy, then you know you don’t truly have a spouse worthy of reconciliation.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3504   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8662443

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Excuse me for being blunt, but she’s an IDIOT for engaging in any behavior that you need to question. She doesn’t get the disrespect she is showing you and the harm she is causing.

Seriously shaking my head. Had my H done that even for one second after dday2 we would be D. And I would have been the one to start the process.

She’s playing games with you. Testing you. Seeing how far she can go.

If it were me —.I would have a very brief conversation with her. First no male friends on FB or anywhere else. Period. It is wrong and disrespectful. If she chooses to continue then she should expect consequences. Whatever they may be.

She’s still lying to you and herself. She’s pretending to “harmlessly flirt”. Please know that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13062   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8662587

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Multiple APs and a sexless marriage. That's a combination I couldn't live with personally.

Glossing over that, why would she friend a painter or other hired help? Don't get me wrong, they are people, but it's not a friendship or the basis of one.

I would not be comfortable with my fWW making friends with a dude out of the blue. Her female friends' husbands, ok sure. My male friends that are mutual friends? Sure makes sense. People she has a personal connection with (former classmates, coworkers, etc.)? Ok, but I'd keep an eye on the interactions (my fWW's A was with a coworker). A new male friend that I don't know, and that she has no previous connection with? That's gonna be a no from me dawg.

What do you see as appropriate boundaries in a committed monogamous relationship? How do you show devotion to your wife? How does she show devotion to you?

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 2:25 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2290   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8662596

Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 9:21 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Multiple affairs and a sexless marriage?


What's the point?

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8662614

annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.

Read what 1stwife wrote. Then read it again. Your wife is pushing boundaries, however, honestly, she can delete him from fb and still communicate via phone, text, emails, etc.

Check her phone records and watch.

posts: 11755   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8662616

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 9:01 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021


Well, I can tell you for some time after my affair I gave up social media altogether in hopes of helping my H feel calm and not having so much he had to check on. A while back, I did reenter facebook life. I only have friends that are friends and family we both know, and I have no regrets about that because that's how it should be. H doesn't do social media at all, but he has my passwords and such.

I don't know why you are in a sexless marriage, is there a medical condition on one or both sides?

5 years of hard work

posts: 6348   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8662868

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Seems like she may the 'seven year itch'. In no way should she be accepting male friends on FB as a betrayer.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8662870

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 11:30 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I would recommend that you send your wife's Facebook to the digital round file.

I mean, I will be level here, as a MH, Facebook was where my EA AP and I reconnected. We had known each other when we were younger in our late teens and early twenties. She and I were Facebook friends for years, and suddenly in July 2017, she started messaging me and reaching out to me more and more. It spiraled from there. After cutting off all contact with her, she has up until June 2020, been occasionally creating new Facebook profiles to try and reach out to myself, and later my wife. I nuked my Facebook account in December 2019. I haven't looked back. Not only am I 100% free of my AP and there is almost no way for her to contact me, I'm also free from all the other drama of Facebook. I'm not sad that I missed the 2020 Presidential Election cycle, as my friends have told me what a god-awful shitshow it was.

I gave up Facebook for my marriage, and I wouldn't look back on that decision with any regret. Social media was something that I was guilty of wasting too much time on and it freed me of that monster and the other AP monster simultaneously.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985
Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 392   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8662905

NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 8:47 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Can an alcoholic spend time with mixed company at a bar and stay on the wagon? What makes you believe someone that can rationalize betrayal can responsibly handle mixed company social media without undue risk?

Listen to your gut and draw a line if you care to not deal with infidelity 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, whatever-point-zero. If "yellow" flags are starting to go up that's your body and mind subconsciously protecting you from danger.

Alternatively, leave her and rid yourself of the threat if you can.

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 356   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8663116

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Is your marriage still sexless? In 2018 you said it had been 4 years, meaning it could be 7 sexless years by now.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4105   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8663193

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Judging from your wife’s history, she constantly craves desire and sex from men... unless the man is you.

You shouldn’t be asking whether it’s ok for her to male friends. You know for a fact that decent women aren’t Facebook friends with a random dude they hire to paint the house.

The question you ought to be asking— to yourself— is how much blatant disrespect and contempt you are willing to take before you finally get out of infidelity.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1269   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8663228

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 5:50 AM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Brother, this is not a healthy marriage you have with your WW, not by any stretch. This, and you and she are not in any form of "reconciliation". The situation you are in sounds painful for you, to be honest. This is no way to live!

I hate to give any more bad news here, but. Your WW and this OM are at the very least, casing each other out. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:51 PM, May 29th (Saturday)]

posts: 497   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8663845
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