SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all, This is my first post! Looking forward to becoming an active member of this community. Thank you all for welcoming me here.

I am so exhausted from being blamed for my insecurities regarding my husband’s Porn addiction issue and being lied to repeatedly and consistently for years about this subject. The pain has been unbearable and course, this addiction had destroyed my foundational trust for my spouse and the relationship on whole. Everytime I introduced the topic, i was gaslit because he thinks that he is entitled to watch it all day everyday while completely disregarding my emotions and perspective on the subject. He knew my thoughts and interpretation of porn from day one, so if he wasn’t intending to stop this daily habit, why would he even commit to me initially and then stay? It seems like he wants his cake and to eat it too, but ive given him the ultimatum several times-porn or i. He blames me for snooping and for seeking out evidence, again, blaming the separation on my apparent insecurities and trust issues, rather than taking ownership for his part in this.

He wants me to turn a blind eye to it all or to find a woman who will not snoop and search and who will believe the lies he tells himself. Ive asked him to remove triggers & sexual apps and he refuses.

The person behind the curtains aka the PA (porn addict) is his real identity period. Can you relate and how did you persevere through it? My spouse apparently watches porn everywhere but specifically and most commonly at work during the day and when he enters the office after hours or on weekends, (perhaps in his own office or in the bathroom i am not entirely sure). This seems extreme to me, and of course, i am attacked, gaslit, and called a mistrusting psycho everytime I discover daily his porn use and he then proceeds to blame me for actively looking for evidence that he lies about the subject which he clearly does. I wouldn’t feel the need to investigate if he would come clean and work on the issue, first admitting that he has a problem. Can anyone relate to these types of situations when dealing with a porn addict for a spouse? What advice or experience are you willing to share? Thank you in advance.

he is entitled to watch it all day everyday while completely disregarding my emotions and perspective on the subject. He knew my thoughts and interpretation of porn from day one, so if he wasn’t intending to stop this daily habit, why would he even commit to me initially and then stay?

You are being gaslit. You are not crazy. Porn is a plague on men’s minds. I find that especially in Christian circles there is a reluctance to speak of it, yet I KNOW my younger brethren are poisoned with it.

Porn is the equivalent of a succubus on a man’s soul. Either he gets help or you get help and leave. There’s no other happy ending here.

Porn is like crack for men’s visual nature, yet it is completely within a man’s power to stop abusing porn.

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is no big deal: it is robbing your marriage of true intimacy, In which he craves you and gets his sexual needs fulfilled by you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:02 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful reply. One of the issues that I have repeatedly encountered is this: Whenever I introduce the topic or he has asked me what is wrong, he yells at me, saying that he does not wish to discuss the same issue over and over again, and he just becomes enraged toward me and then shuts down/literally ignores me completely at that point. I have asked him he is willing to go to therapy with me and he has declined,

stating that it is a "waste of his hard earned money." I tried referring to his issue as an addiction and once again, he rejected this concept, ultimately shutting down, putting his earphones on and ignoring me for hours on end. How can I approach this differently and more effectively, informing him that there are online resources available to combat the PA if he truly wishes too. That is a key point here - he has to WANT to make the change. Do I give him one last ultimatum of come clean, get the help you need, admit you have a problem--choose porn or me? What do you suggest, thank you again for your time and insight and for acknowledging how porn has plagued our society.

Read my profile!

Porn is like alcohol in my opinion. Some people can have a beer after work, or not, and life is fine. Some people become raging alcoholics. Some people can watch a little porn and it doesn't affect their lives. Some people get sucked in to it. My WS did. I could tell when he was watching it a lot because he was like he was in a brain fog. Terrible sex with very little sex drive. He was also watching at work (he didn't work in an office but was viewing it in the car between work calls).

This was many years ago, and I found out in January of this year that he was getting happy endings at a massage parlor and had full sex with 2 women during the time he was acting out, which seems to be 2019-2020.

If I could go back in time I would have either left my WS or demanded he get into sex addiction therapy. I didn't take it seriously then, I was of the mindset "all men watch porn, it isn't a big deal". And for a lot it isn't. But if he is an addict then, in my opinion, it is just a matter of time before he escalates his behavior, if he hasn't already.

My husband is a recovering SA. His addiction revolves around porn, fantasy and compulsive masturbation.

Rather than four on your husband, focus on yourself. Are you in therapy? If you are wanting to issue some boundaries, can you follow through immediately? If you say me or porn, tell me now, can you ask your lawyer to file for divorce tomorrow?

Are you taking good care of yourself, eating, sleeping, etc all of that?

Have you considered looking for a 12-step support group for yourself. There are 2. One is COSA. Not sure what the other is.

There is an I can relate thread for spouses of sex addicts that has a ton of resources.

My husband has been sober for about 7 years. He has done 3 years, then started slipping..getting close to a full blown relapse. Now he.s been sober for four years.

My husband watched porn on work computers. How he wasn’t, fired is beyond me. This happened when we were engaged, but I didn’t know about it until 4 years ago.

You can’t make your husband want to get better. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to. That’s really all the data you need to inform your decision making.

I don’t think “ he has to want to make the change “ you do.

I have lived and wasted so many years with this.

My husband would be at work, on porn, at his grandmas house, the minute I go to bed, his on it.

It started out with porn, then onto cam girls, hook ups etc...etc.

Dating sites, you name it.

It was always swept under the rug for him. They don’t understand what this does to us. You never get the truth.

You have every right to snoop because you have so much doubt. He’s playing with your sanity, that’s why you need to be the to make a change.

Thank you so much for the support and advice! For those who were spouses of a PA and got help, what did it do for you? When you are all are suggesting that I make a change, you mean get an attorney and proceed with the divorce? I want to save my family and my marriage, but have quickly realized that I am unable to do this alone. He has told me multiple times that he is never willing to discuss the issue ever again and that the only one who needs therapy in this case is me. I do need therapy. I've sought it out. I've suggested that he may need assistance In order to battle his addiction, but ultimately, I am not him, he is a stubborn man who feels that he is "perfect" and accomplished in both his career and life. At work, he is fairly well liked and respected, but at home, he is an entirely different person, and of course, he has this dark side consisting of the PA. How did you all discover that your spouse was continuing to use P, seek out cam girls, hook ups, apps, etc? Did you actively snoop? The tracking and snooping is an exhausting and unhealthy cyclical process. Should I stop verifying and just oblige to his requests to essentially look the other way and "rug sweep"? What did you do to maintain your sanity and survive? Who stayed married? Who filed for divorce? Thank you again!

Did you actively snoop?

I didn't - I found out by complete accident. His wallet was stolen. He is a man-child that didn't understand how to report his card stolen. He handed me his phone and asked me to report one of his credit cards as stolen through the app. I did and it said "were these last transactions you?" and one was a massage parlor. I had to interrogate him to get the info, and he only gave me a tiny bit. Then more interrogating in the weeks and months to follow and I finally got what seems to be the full, disgusting story.

In my experience - the addict has to ramp up their activities. Back when I did snoop on my WS (when it was just porn and not acting out with people) the porn got weirder and weirder. Nothing illegal but hardcore and more - I don't even know. Just weird. And then he just stopped. For a few years. And then he started with the massage places. He should have gotten help when it was porn only. Because back then I didn't somedays hate his guts and didn't have PTSD symptoms. But now I do.

I don't want you to end up like me.

If he refuses to get help and you are not happy then you have a decision to make. Suck it up or tell him you want a divorce. Or plan to divorce but get your ducks in a row first.

I will likely not be able to work things out with my WS. I am still "trying" but I am no longer putting in effort. He can make enormous change and growth and do the heavy lifting or he can be gone. I am just a few steps away from being ready to kick him to the curb entirely. They are things that don't have to do with him but will give me more financial and mental strength once they are in place.

You are allowed to ask for things.

You are allowed to ask for things.

You are allowed to ask for things.

You are allowed to ask for things.

What is your plan? You need one.

If I had been snooping on him I could have found out about this a lot sooner. It wasn't on my radar - AT ALL.

He did it from 2019-ALL of 2020. Yes my genius was getting happy endings at the height of COVID while my dumbass was quarantining & following all the rules.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 5:31 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

Porn is destructive in many ways. It's a lot simpler and less messy to get sexual gratification from an anonymous image than to engage in a real relationship. I worry that young kids will get obsessed earlier and earlier with all the screen time they get. Compulsive porn needs to get more and more intense in order to bring about orgasm. That's why we see addicts searching for non-traditional sex images, kiddy porn, snuff porn, same sex porn even if one is cys-gendered.

The actors in porn are often trafficked people of both genders. There is often forced drug use. Anyone who uses porn needs to be aware they are supporting the abuse of these people.

It completely cheated me out of a normal sex life. Addicts often cannot perform with a marital partner, we are too "normal." Various forms of impotence occur, including failure to orgasm. That's what happened to my H, until eventually he stopped having any interest in me despite my fitness, energy and initiation.

He had a long period of sobriety until he didn't, went into full relapse. I didn't know about that because snooping wasn't what I was interested in. Inevitably, they slip in terms of secrecy or, deliberately reveal their actions because in many addict/spouse relationships, they believe that we can save them.

Snooping is terribly traumatic to us, except NOT snooping can result in us being gaslit in our own marriages. I don't feel safe, I never will. There have been too many discoveries.

Sex addiction is terribly shameful to addicts (and US!) which leads them to engage in a shame cycle that isn't easily thwarted. Even if they appear invincible, they feel shame in some form which is sometimes rationalized away. MANY sex and porn addicts experienced some form of childhood sexual abuse and many of them suffer from undiagnosed bipolar 2, formerly called hypomania. The feelings of grandiosity, what I call sex addict bigshottedness, is common.

Even with years of therapy and regular attendance at SA meetings, my H is in danger of slip and relapse. Every week he and his counselor work on relapse prevention.

I will never get back all those years of neglect and abuse and never have someone who truly and healthily loves me. He bends over backwards every single day to prove he is sorry, but I have built tall and strong walls against the possibility of new discoveries. If I had had a crystal ball at 48, 50, I would have left.

Your H shows NO SIGN he gets any of this. What you can do is control your own actions, you have no control over his. You can say "I refuse to stay in a marriage unless my partner is working to get healthy" NOT "I will divorce you if you don't stop." This is about setting boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate.

Self care is paramount. Do something nice for yourself every single day, a walk, a nice coffee, a sweet smelling candle. My biggest regret is that I spent so much time trying to figure out what was happening in my life that I gave up a long standing exercise routine. It's taken me years to get back to it.

Sex/porn addiction is so tough to deal with. Even if they are no longer visiting the strip clubs, or logging on to the porn sites, they can furtively practice "scanning" engaging in sexual fantasies while seeming to be going about their ordinary day.

I encourage you to read the first few pages of the thread in the "I Can Relate" forum, "Spouses of Sex Addicts." There are some good books listed on the first page and some web resources. I personally found the writings and youtube videos by Milton Magness, and the book by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means to be helpful, although they were published a long time ago and I've not kept up with current literature. The thread, BTW, is visited by some of the most compassionate, knowledgeable and helpful people I've ever "met."

Sex addiction isn't about sex. It's about people unable to form true intimate relationships, and intimacy disorder.

And finally, if any addict of any drug of choice ever says "I can't help it, I'm an addict!" don't buy it. That person is NOT in recovery and is a poor candidate for a healthy relationship.

((((Hugs))))))

Thank you for your insight. It is so wonderful to know that I am not alone in all of this. I have held it in for years and it is so isolating. This is not something that I am proud to share with friends and/or family. If I give my H an ultimatum or anything to the like, he simply says, "if you don't like it, then leave!" Divorce and packing his things along with the emotion of pure rage is how he always reacts to my "unfounded allegations" each and every time although I have ample evidence to back it up. The truth is, he just feels entitled to watch porn and tries to hide it more effectively, ignoring the issue altogether, watching porn at work, in the car, bathroom, home, etc. I don't know exactly how to navigate this, I am trying to actively stop snooping/searching, and have made it a point to join a COSA group and find a therapist, since he is unwilling to acknowledge that he needs help. He holds a high powered professional career and possesses what I perceive to be narcissistic type traits, feeling superior, commenting that all therapy is a waste of time and money, and once again, he continues to gaslight me claiming that this issue is all mine (insecurity and lack of trust-this is the crux for him). He threatens to leave due to my insecurity and lack of trust in him, and more importantly, whenever I attempt to introduce the subject of porn in any way, shape, or form, he gives me the ultimatum that he will never discuss it with me, and that should I bring it up again, he will again pack his things and file for divorce. Where does that leave me? I feel as though he is actively attempting to invalidate my thoughts and feelings on the situation and subject. In fact, the last time we spoke about the issue, and I told him that it was either porn or I, he said: "I refuse to discuss this ever again. Do you understand me?" I don't know where to go from here. I am so grateful for all of you and your advice, sharing your experiences and emotions so openly, etc. Thank you all in advance! I will keep you posted and will refer to the existing pages/resources as you've recommended. How do I view people's profile on here? Since I am new, I am still learning how to navigate this page. Thanks all!

Do you see the smiley face icon in the upper right of each post? That will take you to the poster's profile. The 2 smiley faces take you to a page where you'll be able to send a private message to that poster if you've posted 50 times yourself or, I believe, have opted for a premium subscription. You can, however,respond when someone else sends a PM to youm

You can also click on the usernames in other places to take you to the profile.

Do you see the smiley face icon in the upper right of each post? That will take you to the poster's profile. The 2 smiley faces take you to a page where you'll be able to send a private message to that poster if you've posted 50 times yourself or, I believe, have opted for a premium subscription. You can, however,respond when someone else sends a PM to youm

You can also click on the usernames in other places to take you to the profile.

Do you see the smiley face icon in the upper right of each post? That will take you to the poster's profile. The 2 smiley faces take you to a page where you'll be able to send a private message to that poster if you've posted 50 times yourself or, I believe, have opted for a premium subscription. You can, however,respond when someone else sends a PM to youm

You can also click on the usernames in other places to take you to the profile.

Do you see the smiley face icon in the upper right of each post? That will take you to the poster's profile. The 2 smiley faces take you to a page where you'll be able to send a private message to that poster if you've posted 50 times yourself or, I believe, have opted for a premium subscription. You can, however,respond when someone else sends a PM to youm

You can also click on the usernames in other places to take you to the profile.

Do you see the smiley face icon in the upper right of each post? That will take you to the poster's profile. The 2 smiley faces take you to a page where you'll be able to send a private message to that poster if you've posted 50 times yourself or, I believe, have opted for a premium subscription. You can, however,respond when someone else sends a PM to youm

You can also click on the usernames in other places to take you to the profile.

I have held it in for years and it is so isolating. This is not something that I am proud to share with friends and/or family.

I am so sorry. This is not your shame to bear. You deserve a husband and life partner who honors you and sees you as the fulfillment of his desire, as opposed to the illusion of porn.

You might consider looking at the litany to St.

Joseph. It describes the qualities of a real man.

Hi Thumos,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I am working through my shame, guilt, and pain having gone through this for years. I want and deserve more, but it Is difficult for me to just give up on my family as well as the assets that I have to build and earn with this individual. I have always blamed myself after being gaslit by my H for so long, countless times, and every time that I introduced the pain caused by his porn use and addiction. The few times he did reply, he would claim that he would "work on it," but obviously, has continued to do so. I don't even have the desire to snoop anymore, and he always says that if he catches me snooping one more time, that he'll leave and that it will be final, no turning back from his decision, etc. He says that this is not a threat, but a fact. This is such a difficult and complex situation and set of circumstances to work through, and we recently had a baby. I feel that he's dated women prior to me who are accepting of his porn usage in that they haven't questioned it. He always tells me that if I was being unfaithful to him, he wouldn't go searching for evidence and wouldn't want to know. That's just him rug sweeping and blame shifting all over again, in my opinion; he is just backing into it from a slightly different angle, as if he is an angel and martyr in this situation. I can't make him take ownership for what he has done, but I have taken ownership for my part in all of this which obviously is the snooping. Unfortunately, every time I snooped, I was devastated at the findings, and then he would simply change all of his passwords in order to make it impossible for me to access his phone etc. I am the type of spouse who always wants to bring things out Into the light and work through the issues until they are resolved, but I realize that I am only one person and can't accomplish that alone. I am personally unable to simply rug sweep or to look away when my heart has been broken or something has been bothering me, and he does not want to hear about it anymore, so where do I go from here? Thank you all This community is a blessing!

(((Doggiemommie)))

I am so sorry to find you here. You deserve better, my friend. we all do.

Unfortunately, he has already told you where he stands. He has already chosen. He has chosen his images of strangers over a real, loving relationship with a real, loving woman. Whether he has said it in so many words or not, his message is loud and clear: "I want what I want, and I don't give a rat's ass what you want or how you feel about it.

I bet, if you think about it, you will see that the porn isn't the only area in which he is cruel and abusive. I left my porn-addicted (apparently) asshat 4 months ago, and I am in the process of unpacking all the deep and systematic abuse I have been putting up with for 20 years.

I understand that you are reluctant to walk away from your life as you know it, but if you stay, nothing will ever change. You will spend the rest of your life exactly as you are now, or worse. This kind of shit eats away at you as a woman and as a human being. It will chew up your soul.

I can't tell you how to live your life, but I will tell you what I did. When it came to a point that I knew I was unwilling to put up with his crap any longer, I did a hard 180 and started making plans to get out. It took me 8 months to be ready to go. Now I have been free for 4 months and I feel a thousand times better about myself.

Good luck, sister. Keep on posting here and remember, know your worth. You are worth far more than some BS images of make-believe sex.

Don't allow yourself to be dismissed out of hand. Regardless of whether or not porn is the problem- you're allowed to make anything you want into a dealbreaker. That is always, always your choice.

But you are the one who is responsible for enforcing your boundaries, not him. If you said you don't want porn in your life and he is continuing to watch porn and ignoring what you say? It's up to you to protect yourself. Otherwise, you are allowing him to do whatever he wants with no consequences.

You get to decide what you are willing to accept.