SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tell your doctor...they can give you something else to fix that.

Everyone has to start somewhere. It’s the beginning of you getting yourself out of infidelity or limbo hell. Keep going!!!!

Listen to this it might help.

In youtube: Ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma's short talk on attachment and clinging.

I'm not sure what else there is for you all to contribute, but I need an outlet!

Adopt a cute dog, that'll get you out of the house and people love to talk to people walking dogs...

The dog we have is actually at the mother in laws because I can’t bear to be tied down to the house. Hopefully able to figure that part out soon but he’s well loved there.

Change/adjustment is always hard upfront but keep this in mind. You will be fine.

Continue to use SI and us as an outlet.

I attended two different BAN support groups. Not at the same time but one followed the other. BAN is Beyond Affairs Network. SI is a terrific support system with thousands of members. BAN is small groups of betrayeds at different stages of finding out and progressing. Some were separated and divorcing. Some were going to attempt R. The value was in meeting face to face in a small group. It was terrific, too. I drove 2 hours one way for each of them.

I should have done this before I started preparing this. I can't remember exactly how to find the support groups. I think if you google BAN you'll get a website that will have a link to find a BAN group close to you. They are all over the US with a few in Canada. None close to me now. I'll look it up and add a post on how to find the site.

ETA: beyonfaffairsnetwork.org. Then click on "Affair Recovery Support Groups" in the top banner. Scroll down to find your country, scroll down to find your state and then your city. You will get an e-mail process to contact the coordinator. That's to protect participants.

Hopefully, you can find something close. The first time I went I almost didn't go in. I'm very glad I did.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 2:46 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

Thanks Chevy. Email sent. Looks like I’m about in your position in terms of distance. But if I can make it out I will.

Moving here

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=654180

Continuing here since the other thread is more quiet and I still need the support.

On the paperwork side of things I’m discovering that either; my wife is terrible at managing her finances or she has hidden funds from me…She made a significant salary (6 figures) for a number of years and had limited expenses through helping out with utilities and food, otherwise her funds were all her own. I kept mine largely separate and thought we were doing a good thing. Looking back I should have dug in more just to know where “we” were. I can’t fathom where it has gone…and have to say if I were to find there was a long running plot here I could lose my self in the continued betrayal. It makes me sick to think she can do what she did and then take so much from me. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid.

We are still trying at a dissolution so collecting things to present ourselves. I have an attorney involved so I guess I’ll need to talk to the atty about my concerns and what to do.

She is living her life normally aside from being displaced after leaving (voluntarily) and probably in an active affair. She’s not asked to come back, talk things out, or anything similar and has asked to pick up more belongings next weekend. She was here Thursday doing the same. She remains disinterested in anything but moving forward with separating things. That said she did show some (suppressed) signs of emotion over the whole thing on her last visit. Which, if my recent learnings are a guide, means there’s actually a lot going on behind the curtain.

No change in plans.

Also can’t get any of my work recommended therapists to call back or answer their phones. Didn’t talk to a single person this week to even schedule something. Very frustrating.

On that level my emotional mind refuses to let go. In a very real and odd way. I see thoughts like “maybe it was all a test or a joke” float by. And continue to wait to “wake up” I’m in such strong denial that I know I’m in it. It’s bizarre…I can’t say I’ve ever been in this situation before.

If the amount is significant, a forensic accountant would run you about 5-6k. You can talk to your attorney about whether it's worth it or not and to get some referrals. You've been together for 12 years, but only married for five, so I'm thinking it would need to be quite a bit of money to be worth the expense.

Talk about the finances with an attorney. The first hour is often free.

In some states 'separate' accounts don't matter and everything is considered equally owned.

If you go to court, the court will likely require you and your wife to disclose all assets.

Do you file a joint tax return?

Can you access her checking account statements or her check register/record of checks she wrote?

Unless she put cash in a safe deposit box, there's usually a paper trail/record.

Long brisk walks get you out of the house. Its great exercise and it’ll help clear your mind. There are plenty of places to walk if you don’t have it near your home. Hell you can even walk at malls.

Variation on this, get a bicycle and go cycling for an hour.

I see thoughts like “maybe it was all a test or a joke” float by. And continue to wait to “wake up” I’m in such strong denial that I know I’m in it. It’s bizarre…I can’t say I’ve ever been in this situation before.

I had the exact same thoughts in my own situation -- even the “its all an elaborate practical joke” -- I don't think it is uncommon.

Hang in there. This is reality and you will make it through.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:31 PM, July 18th (Sunday)]

9(11) days since the discovery of the affair (11 days discovery of pictures):

As much as I needed it before, I now wonder if I shouldn't have deleted my access to the texts as I can be certain (yes Marz I see you) it would help me remain vigilant looking forward. Whether or not it would be worth continually ripping open the wounds is only something time will tell.

For those who have become aware of their spouses infidelity I'm sure they can relate to the pain of having to see the exchange. It is worse than just knowing.

WW is on a family vacation (99% this part is actually true - long history). But the theme that she continues to choose leisure over any discussion here continues. We are talking about property split, documents, etc and it inevitably slips into something other than that. I am unable to fully avoid it. However reading the "Tactical Primer" post perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. It cites 3-6 months for stage 5 and 3-12 for stage 6 and I'm here on day 9...

I feel like I don't know what's left to return to. If I could eventually forgive the infidelity the constant lies, moral boundary issues, and general terrible decision-making of some of these actions would taint my future life. In 12 years this is the first time we hit a true hard spot in our relationship. And the response was 'better find someone else!' I would be in the mode of policing her actions always. But despite betrayal and these concerns the feelings remain. I want to yell at them to be rational.

In terms of actual news I learned she is looking for apartments and that the text she sent to her mother admitting of the cheating (yes, a text) said she "decided" to see if she had feelings for someone else because she thought the spark in our marriage was gone. Seems like a pretty clear 'exit affair' and yet through all these actions she won't give me the closure of admitting it's over for her.

In summary, I provide you my current feelings in the form of a horror film snapshot.

I have attempted escape from this terrible situation. I hopped over the privacy fence, leaving the proverbial yard of my marriage. I am now looking back through a peephole at the green grass bathed in a beautiful sunlit glow...knowing but unable to see the terrors that stalk barely out of frame waiting to pounce if I were to come back over.

Don't do it protagonist!

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:35 AM, July 19th (Monday)]

Seems like a pretty clear 'exit affair' and yet through all these actions she won't give me the closure of admitting it's over for her.

She won’t give you closure because it would be exactly that. Closing off plan B in case she misses her grab onto the next branch. If this explodes in her face today (as opposed to down the road when Mr Wonderful decides he doesn’t want to climb on the divorce/alimony carousel for a shot at winning a cheater)believe me her spark for you will all of a sudden be front and center.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 7:56 AM, July 19th (Monday)]

Perhaps you could make a list of the pictures you saw, Maxwell. It wouldn't be the same as having them but can be a record.

My IC suggested I make a list (point form) of all of the things XWW did in adultery and after DDays. You loved the woman. As time passes you soften somewhat and start thinking that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance of reconciling. You wear rose coloured glasses. The hurt and deceit seems to shrink. But nothing has changed.

I made the list. It's very lengthy and incomplete. I looked at infrequently after I made it but it's still there. I haven't looked at it for a long time now but I still have it on my computer.

As you indicated, you are only days out. The pain and betrayal level is high. The vicious roller coaster is real. When it settles down a little you don't want to lull yourself into thinking well that wasn't so bad. You don't want back on.

In terms of actual news I learned she is looking for apartments and that the text she sent to her mother admitting of the cheating (yes, a text) said she "decided" to see if she had feelings for someone else because she thought the spark in our marriage was gone. Seems like a pretty clear 'exit affair' and yet through all these actions she won't give me the closure of admitting it's over for her.

She has clearly moved on. The best advice is for you to move on as well.

Focus on your side only. She will continue to stall, stonewall, general head-in-the-sand approach. Basically she wants you to do the dirty deed of officially ending the marriage. That way she can spin the narrative that she was just unsure but that you insisted on ending it. Very textbook.

It's natural to pine for the good-old days. We've all been there.

If you really are intent on D then focus on the business side of that. Just get her to agree and sign.

To steadychevy's point, I still wonder if I could take my XWW back. I'm 3 years divorced, 4 years post Dday. But I play back all of the things she did during her A and post Dday - all of the lies, manipulation, deciet, total lack of remorse or accountability. How could I take her back? I suppose I'm still in the bargaining phase of all of this.

My point is, you should only be considering R if she has shown you through her actions that she wants R. Right now she's showing none. Zero. Zilch.

Instead, she's made every effort to show that she's as uninterested in participating in your marriage as ever. Could she change her mind? Sure, possibly. But if threat of divorce hasn't woken her up, it's likely nothing will.

Keep this current behavior in your focus as you process things going forward. The "old her" that you so long for is gone. In fact, she was probably never really there.

If I could eventually forgive the infidelity the constant lies, moral boundary issues, and general terrible decision-making of some of these actions would taint my future life.

Keep in mind, much is predicated on her owning it all, admitting it all, working very hard to become a safe partner, fixing her self-absorbed predisposition, becoming filled with genuine empathy, remorse, and a desire for making amends.

You cannot make peace with or live in harmony with someone as broken as your wife unless she becomes something vastly different than she is. Forgive or not is up to you, but being able to find peace and contentment with an unrepentant still broken fWW would be impossible.

And keep in mind, D does not prohibit possible future relationship. It just gets you out of the current M that is already dead.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:27 AM, July 19th, 2021 (Monday)]

Your WW seems to be giving you every indication that she has moved on, as others have said.

I understand your frustration about this. You are only 9 (or 11) days into this, so it seems shocking. However, your WW has been at this for quite some time, so she has adjusted to it already. Keep that in mind.

Give yourself credit, you have been handling the situation pretty well. You are still dealing with a lot. Keep focused on yourself and your healing.