SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry I already posted this in Just Found Out but it fits better here.

Often I see individual therapy for the WS as a condition of reconciliation plans. How do people deal with the "privacy" of therapy? In my situation my WS started therapy soon after we started giving reconciliation a shot, but WS is very adamant that her therapy is for her and not for me to know or pry about. I am not trying to recount every bit of therapy, but over time I want some assurance that the therapy is helping my spouse move towards a better place in our relationship… like once in a while spouse sharing with me for example "I am working on X which I have come to understand was part of what led me to the affair." At this point my sppuse’s therapy has actually become painful to me because it’s this big wall into my spouse’s life that I can’t see through. For all I know her therapist is helping her "cope" with me or bide her time until she is ready for divorce. I have no way to know or trust that she is being consistent with another reconciliation commitment we made to each other - which is to keep anyone who is not a friend to our marriage out of our life.

When WS and I were working on R his therapist encouraged him to come home and talk to me about how he was doing, what he was learning, etc.

I don't think they should report back about every thing that is discussed (I don't think that is what you are saying anyway), I do think they should have privacy and a safe space. But WS therapist told him it was trust building for him to talk to me about what he was working on and what he was learning.

DoingGreat

FWIW, my struggle with my wife's IC is that I don't really know if she talks about her issues, or if she is really just doing discernment counseling and building up strength to D.

This may or may not be what you're saying, but I ultimately decided for me, that worrying about that was a form of the pick-me-dance that I need to avoid.

I don't believe she has attended IC for probably two months now. She never told me, and I never asked.

My situation though, is I can't say that we are in R. Things would probably look different if we were in R.

"I am working on X which I have come to understand was part of what led me to the affair."

Do you agree with this understanding? Look I mean, this is pretty foggy to me, but I have agreed and disagreed with these types of understandings.

"What led me to the affair." is a turn of phrase I would not let my wife get away with anymore. Maybe you are OK with these kind of euphemisms, but I need a little more ownership of actions.

My ex used her IC as a place to get reinforcement for her lies and did not actually work on or resolve her issues. At some point if they are not doing the work you have all the facts you need.

You should add a comment to the thread in General directing people here and ask for it to be locked.

My WH IC ended up calling me to tell me that wanting transparency and to know where he was all the time was causing him to much stress.

She didnt think his cheating was cause for me to have access to his phone or social media.

Needless to say he was given a choice, find another IC or get the hell out. He stopped IC and never went back.

Ask to attend one of her sessions. That's not uncommon when infidelity is in play. It gives the therapist some additional insight into the M. You're not going to get the therapist to talk to you about everything they are doing, but you should be able to at least understand if your WS is being totally lying to the therapist. Because WS lie and omit by definition.

She’s not doing anything to provide a good environment for you. My H did this as well. I always suspected he was going to counseling to get the courage to D me (as he did months later after counseling ended).

This is not a good sign sad to say. She doesn’t have to tell you everything BUT she should be bending over backwards to let you know YOU are her first priority. And that she’s doing all she can to make amends.

I’d be very wary here. It appears she has a cheater’s mindset. And that is not good.

One of my requirements was that my W sign a release that allowed her IC to talk to me about her therapy. Her IC added a provision that she (IC) would call me if W revealed another A.

She told us that she'd ask for a joint session if I asked any question that wasn't answerable by 'yes/no'. I was OK with that.

I meant 'requirement' - D unless W signed the release.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:40 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]