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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 3:59 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Having read through the forums one possibility occured to me that I had never thought of before, that after a period of separation we could end up trying again once we had both had some time apart. Now I am in no way suggesting I am now thinking I want to get back with her, just that it's a possibility I'd never considered that is now planted in my mind. What if after rebuilding myself, discovering what I want from a relationship, being better mentally equipped to work through this, being more confident and assertive (not a door mat) and that I do still have love for her in 6 months time or whenever that if she was still single, showed remorse, she had grown as a person too and realised she does love me that we couldn't try dating again? Build a new relationship from the beginning with new rules and boundaries rather than just jumping straight back into what we had previously.

Let all this shit go.

People who are as dishonest, disloyal, disrespectful, and as deceitful as your ex has been rarely, and I mean rarely, ever change in any meaningful way.

She may be on her best behavior with whomever she may be with next but, unfortunately, you will always be a reminder to her of how much she failed as a human being - and it is very probable she will resent you for it even though what she did had nothing to do with you.

She needs a villain to justify and blame her despicable behavior for - and you have been mentally cast in that role in her mind.

It’s just the typical mental acrobatics of the emotionally immature and the morally bereft.

Hopefully, for the sake of your child, she genuinely sees what she has done, genuinely changes and emotionally grows up into a respectful, honest, and compassionate adult.

But for you, it’s best to focus solely on yourself and your child and render your ex to eventually just being nothing more than the biological mother of your child.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 5:22 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1148   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8689535
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TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 6:15 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

You need to stop looking for the good in her. There is none. She's not a good wife nor is she a good mother. A good mother would not blow up her children's home and security. She's not even a good person on any kind of basic level. Kick her off that pedestal and stop hoping to get back with her.

As you gain time and distance from her, the fog will clear and you will see how she dragged you down in your life in more ways than just her infidelities.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8689565
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

If you get mind movies, see what happens if you let them run until the end

This is a great suggestion - one that I've never read before. Even though mind movies have largely dissipated at my stage, they still come back. I'm going to try this myself.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8689568
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 3:25 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Legend10 -

I'm trying my best to just say yes to things now, even if it's taking me out of my comfort zone in some instances.

This is great!! You’re doing well considering, with the cycling and swimming and being outgoing. It’s encouraging. You know you need to stop speaking with your EX re anything other than visitation and assets. Work harder! I’m w/keptmyword and T.W.O., let that shit go about possible reconciling later and looking for the good in her. Stay focused on detaching and moving forward :)

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8689655
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 11:07 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Just wanted to post a quick update as I had quite the day yesterday!

The father of my WS contacted me yesterday, a nice message basically saying sorry for what's happened, that he hopes we can still be friends and I'm welcome at his house whenever I like. I replied back saying thanks, that I don't know how much WS has told him but I'm happy to give him my side of the story if he likes.

We'll, you can read my first post for full details of what happened but the version of events she gave him was she got drunk, had a kiss with a random guy, messaged that guy for a few days afterwards and then came clean to me and we split!

Upon learning the truth he was pretty shocked, was telling me I'm better off without her, that he can't believe she's done this etc etc. Her brother then learned the details from her father, he also contacted me apologising for her behaviour, said he's blocked all contact with her but he would still like to be friends, offering to meet up occasionally with our kids etc!

Word obviously then gets back to WS who contacts me, asking why I'm talking to her family? Why am I lying to them? Why am I turning her family against them and such like.

She's now disputing the fact she had an 18 month affair and that I'm wrong for telling people that. Whilst she's been calling him for 18 months it wasn't an affair, it was just a kiss, it's a joke that she's been vilified for this bla bla bla. "Yes I've made a mistake but I will not be judged for it for the rest of my life. It happens, I'm not the first and I won't be the last" were the exact words out of her mouth. She even said that even if it was an 18 month affair she doesn't deserve to be vilified for it, admits she was in the wrong but she doesn't expect to lose her whole family over it.

Also blaming me now for affecting our son for any strained relationships now with his Grandad and Uncle.

I've tried to tell her that she's still in the fog, she isn't thinking clearly if she is trying to justify this in my mind that it was just one kiss then she needs to take a step back, look up what an emotional affair actually is and then try applying this to whatever she's been doing with this other guy for 18 months.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some support that I'm in the right here, I'm not doing anything wrong by telling the truth of what happened to her family and if that results with her friends / family thinking less of her then that's none of my problem. After so many years of manipulation and gaslighting it's hard sometimes to not think that you're in the wrong about everything all the time and that she has a point.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8689996
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:55 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Cheaters HATE the truth. It pokes holes in their lies and justifications of the affair.

You did nothing wrong. You told the truth to people who also DESERVE the truth.

Maybe you need to stop explaining yourself to the cheater and have a set response such as "I’m

Sorry you feel this way" or "unfortunately the facts don’t lie and paint a different picture".

And then just walk away or end the conversation.

Or don’t engage in conversation at all. It appears to be pointless.

My H told his family he cheated. He forgot to tell them he was kicking me to the curb to be with the OW. He left out some pretty important details. So I filled them in on the person he really was during the affair. Just so they knew if we D that I had some damn good reasons.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:57 AM, Friday, September 24th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10924   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690001
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

You have nothing to work with here. You’d be wise to get out of the self imposed limbo you keep yourself in.

She is who she is. You cannot fix her. Concentrate on yourself. You are your biggest problem. Let her go.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690033
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:03 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

"Yes I've made a mistake but I will not be judged for it for the rest of my life. It happens, I'm not the first and I won't be the last"

Now you're seeing it. Entitlement, self regard, lack of empathy, lack of accountability, minimization, rationalization. Worst of all a DARVO attack on you (look up DARVO).

"Mistake" - no, infidelity is not a "mistake." It is a series of willful choices and actions (thousands of choices and actions every single day) by a person who is fully aware of the transgressive, toxic, destructive nature of those choices and actions.

A mistake is forgetting to buy something at the grocery store. People don't accidentally trip and fall on each other's genitalia.

Adultery is not a mistake. It is willful, intentional abuse (some try to repeatedly argue the point of intentionality here on SI, but there's no doubt at all that an adulterers intentions are not good intentions. So what are those intentions? And if you dig deep enough there's always a component of resentment/animus against the faithful spouse in spite of claims "it wasn't about you")

"I will not be judged" - Translation: you are judging me appropriately and I don't like the results of my shitty decisions as a person with free will.

"For the rest of my life" - Translation: I lack the basic requirements to be a remorseful spouse.

"It happens" - Translation: I'm a situational ethicist who regards my own decisions from a passive observer point of view.

"I'm not the first, and I won't be the last" - Translation: Get over it, pal.

Disengage. I repeat, disengage.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:05 PM, Friday, September 24th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8690051
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 5:18 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

She is 100% a narcissist, I am convinced of that.

I've unfollowed her from all forms of social media but unfortunately someone has just sent me a meme she posted on her instagram which stated:

I think it's time to forgive yourself for ...

- walking away from people who you outgrew
- for not knowing then what you know now
- for not being where you thought you'd be in life
- for doing what was best for you, even if it disappointed others
- for not reacting to a situation in the way you would have liked
- the mistakes you made in the past

Rather than facing up to what she did she's clearly in the mindset of supressing everything and convincing herself what she's done wasn't that bad or that she deserves immediate forgiveness and can move on with her life.

The idea that she "outgrew" me or that the life we built for ourselves wasn't "where she thought you'd be in life" hits me like a dagger to the heart to be honest. I gave her everything.

I just wish I could fast forward 6 months or so and not have to deal with this bullshit.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8690060
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:18 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

I read this somewhere, it might even be here. If you tell the truth then you don’t have to worry about which lies you’ve told. She’s trying to go back and make up a bunch of lies but she can’t because the truth is already out there. Her family is eventually going to forgive her and they’re all going to get on with their lives. Unfortunately that’s what happens. In my family there was a divorce and the betrayed spouse has remained good friends with all of the family of her ex. It’s because the family of the W said, point blank, there’s no way they were giving up the friendship they had had with her. Everything settled down and everybody found a new love. Life has going on.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3008   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8690058
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

She's headed for quite the reality check when she hits "the wall." self destructive. Let her go and you focus now on living your best life.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8690064
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

My ex did the same crap. She asked why I was talking to her family??? They were my family too for 10 yrs..LOL She was upset that I named her AP, b/c this really blew up her plan to just say that they met after our falling out and that it wasn't some sort of affair. I suggest you do the same.

My ex also wrote a bunch of nonsense on social media, which I quit back when this was all going down. So my friends would send me updates of what she was posting from time to time. Lets just put it this way. Someone whose not Racist does not start a conversation by saying, HEY I"M NOT RACIST BC I hAVE SO AND SO FRIENDS. Just think about her post in the same way. If she was so secure in her thoughts and her convictions are in the right and up and up, she doesn't need to MEME it to the world. Really need to laugh at the need for false affirmation from the fake social media friends.

Dude, let her go. Sounds like your ex FIL and BIL's heads are in the right place, but you should also know that blood is always thicker and they will give her a chance to tell her side of the story. So unless you have verifiable proof you plan to share with them, and then end it there, she will in the end just end up telling her side and making you the bad guy. So if you have the info at hand, I'd share it now, and just let it go.

posts: 1193   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8690075
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Honestly, everything you have done is 100% right. If she thought what she did was perfectly okay, why did she lie to her own Father about it? The fact that she lied to her Father shows that she knows how wrong her actions were. She is just angry that the rest of the world is starting to find out who she really is, and she cannot deal with it.

No matter how much self-serving, deluded crap she posts, and no matter how much she tries to pose as a persecuted martyr, nobody who hears what she really did would approve of it. For some reason, she has left her 18-month affair and repeated lies out of her posts. I wonder why?

Someone here said a brilliant thing that really hit the nail on the head when it comes to stuff like this: nobody is the villain in their own story.

Your wife was a villain for 18 months, and it is only in her story where she isn't. The rest of the world knows, you know, and we know. And we are all here in your corner, whenever you need us.

Take care, my friend. It will get better.

posts: 1213   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8690090
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 3:54 AM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Instagram huh.

How about a wistful post on Instagram from you "It's so difficult co-parenting with a cheating narcissist".

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8690156
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TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 9:41 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

If necessary simply lay the evidence before her family and allow the truth to work for you.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8690502
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 11:19 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

She is 100% a narcissist, I am convinced of that.

I've unfollowed her from all forms of social media…

If you are active with social media, I would advise you outright BLOCK her and anyone who supports her and her behavior.

Your WW sounds very much like my XWW.

Same behaviors, same selfishness, same emotional immaturity, and same narcissism.

Her reaction was to deflect blame, invoke victimhood, and try to rationalize her irrational bullshit.

She used social media to manipulate her despicable behavior into some introspective, noble journey of walking away from a horrific marriage via memes like that pure horseshit that your WW posted.

She failed to mention that her "noble journey" was simply trading sex and blowjobs for cheap compliments from a friends neighbor while her husband and children were at home.

She also failed to mention that she got caught too.

That’s great that your in-laws seem to be supportive.

My in-laws were also supportive and very disgusted with their daughter’s behavior- something she also failed to mention to her social media crowd about her shitty internet-derived wisdom.

Consider yourself fortunate, because many in-laws instantly take their son/daughter’s side regardless of how incredibly despicable they are acting.

Keep distancing yourself from her dysfunctional bullshit.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1148   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8690531
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 5:08 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

So here's a bit of an odd one. How do you deal with a remorseful WS who doesn't want to R but at the same time want's to be civil with you?

So now the dust has settled a bit with everything and we're now 3 weeks out from DDay it's kind of like everything we could argue / talk about has been done to death and there's nothing for us to do other than move on with our lives. We weren't married so we don't need to go through a divorce or anything messy like that but she's being civil to the extreme!

As an example, I had my son at the weekend and I'd taken him out somewhere, I asked if she could collect him from the place we were at and then I was going to walk home from there myself (about 20 minute walk), she came to collect him and then offered me a lift! I turned it down but she's even gone as far as to say I can still use her car if I ever need to take my son anywhere! She's then told me how her friend and her former WH are now amicable and can even take car rides together to go and watch their son play sports and that it gives her hope that I can one day tolerate her!
I mean, on one hand all of this is nice, it's better to have an amicable relationship like this when my son is involved but on the other hand it's only been 3 weeks! It seems WAAAAY too soon for either of us to be at that stage.

As I mentioned at the top, she is remorseful, she's told me she's sorry so many times, that she's struggling with the fact she's done this to me, she's admitted she's having IC to deal with the guilt and shame, she'll ask if I'm ok from time to time etc.

She's the one that cheated so I can accept that maybe she's a lot further down the road of being ready to move on than I am considering I still thought she was going to be the person I spent the rest of my life with 3 weeks ago but that still doesn't make it any less painful that she's thinking like this already.

So I don't really want to be difficult but can I realistically keep up a relationship with her like this so soon? I don't want it to affect my recovery and not get over her due to the good level of communication, it would be a lot easier if she was being horrible!

[This message edited by Legend10 at 5:10 PM, Tuesday, September 28th]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8690649
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:49 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I think you need to be very realistic. She reminds me of several women I know who know stop loving their SO but felt guilty about it. Once they had made the decision to leave the relationship they were gone. This is what you are dealing with. She’s found someone else but she feels guilty. Your best chance at happiness is to sever the relationship. If you don’t share children you don’t need each other for anything.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3008   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8690661
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:58 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

What you're seeing is regret - her focus is on herself. How SHE feels about herself after this exploded. How SHE will be tolerated. How SHE looks like to you and others by being civil and offering you things. Saying sorry is something but it doesn't mean it's based on remorse especially if she expects you to forgive her and get over it mere weeks after she blew up the relationship.

Remorse is a genuine focus on YOU. How terrible she feels because of the pain she caused YOU. How she would do anything and everything to help YOU heal and move forward. If you wanted R, that means R. If you wanted D, that means an amicable D. A WS who wants to separate when the BS wants to R is at odds with remorse because remorse is about fixing what you broke and you can't do that when you run away from the mess you create.

Accept that she's being civil but ultimately self serving. Don't keep any additional ties to her for any longer than you have to. Only use her car if you absolutely have to and not a minute more than when you have figured out a way without her involvement. Keep in mind - she doesn't want R. The longer you tell yourself that she is a good a candidate for R except for [reasons] is time spent preventing yourself from healing and moving on solo. It also greatly increases your chance of getting hurt again when you realize she's moved on, is dating OM/someone new, and R will never happen. So do yourself a favor and rip that bandaid off.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690665
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:09 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Definition of friend _ loyal, honest, trustworthy. No contact is your best friend. Why stay tied up in this?

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690668
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